After the season finale I am no longer Addek, but I have a vision for this story and I plan to carry it out regardless of what smut ABC puts on.

I really hate the way they've written Derek in these last few episodes particularly so I'm going to clear things up and make the time setting post "Yesterday." That was back when it seemed genuine. When I believed this show might be different.

Hence, angst feels good, feels right.

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so when are you coming home, sweet angel?
you leaving me alone? all alone?
well if i'm drowning darling, you'll come down this way on your own

It didn't anger her, no, it saddened her to a degree, but most of all, it disappointed her. And though she wouldn't admit it, it hurt her, more than anything else Derek could do.

"You don't have any pictures of her," her voice slow and soft and most of all deliberate. Each syllable emphasized to make sure he understood that she had meant for the conversation to occur.

"What?" He was distracted. The words she spoke not even registering.

She looked at him, trying hard not to yell or scream. Most of all trying to pretend it wasn't Meredith on his mind.

"Pictures, Derek, pictures. You know, she was our little girl."

He looked around at the trailer as though he'd never taken notice to the fact before.

"I suppose I don't"

She took a deep breath, so shaky even her hands were unstable. The thick dark liquid threatened to spill.

"That's why I didn't look for you Derek. I suppose that's when I knew you'd changed."

She brought the glass to her lips, trying to steady herself.

"Addison." His voice was strained, like her name pained him to simply say. Did she pain him to stay as well?

"I kept thinking one day I'd come home and there'd be things missing. Clothes, shoes, even your laptop. And her pictures. I made copies because I was afraid you'd take my favorite ones. But nothing Derek."

He took off his glasses and stared at her. Disbelief written across his face.

"You didn't just walk away from me Derek. You walked away from her too."

"We aren't having this conversation Addison. You've had too much to drink and I don't want anyone to say something they regret tomorrow."

They sat only a few feet apart but they might as well have been in different rooms, even different cities. And they sat with that distance for a moment until Addison got up and stood in front of Derek.

She wasn't sure what she was going to say now. It was all planned in her mind but things had a way of never making it out of her mouth quiet how she imagined they would.

"What's wrong Derek? You didn't want your perfect girlfriend to think her perfect boyfriend had an imperfect daughter? With an imperfect heart? Huh, Derek, would it ruin your perfect appearance, your perfect hair, your perfect life?"

She wasn't angry. She wasn't at a place to feel anger, it was always sadness. She was sure Derek saw that but chose to ignore it.

And with that sadness was strain because it hurt so much to say.

She waited, waited for him to yell, scream, something. But nothing came.

The file closed and he walked to the bedroom where without even looking she knew he was loosening his tie with the two top and bottom buttons of his shirt undone while sitting on the edge of the bed. His shoes tossed to the side. The right one lying slightly on top of the left.

She knew so much about him. Noticed every detail. Even when he was walking away.

Had he noticed her in the past few months? Had he ever noticed her?

Her breathe caught in her throat and she tried, tried hard to breathe but it seemed impossible.

She stepped back slowly and returned to her sitting position. She was so tired, she was sure her feet wouldn't have supported her for much longer.

She was crying, though she had no idea when she had started, maybe she had been for the entire conversation, if you wanted to call it that.

She was shaking, not just her voice or hands now, but her entire body. The apathy was going to kill her, just like the feeling she was chocking.

She tried to steady herself. Closing her eyes and thinking about what it felt like to be calm.

She still couldn't breathe. Sometimes she wished they would kill her instead of simply putting her in so much pain.

She felt a nudge and opened her eyes to see Derek holding a paper bag.

She took it, feeling so very wretched. She screamed helpless, she screamed broken. At least it was the truth.

Something they had seemingly not shared in months.

He stood there for a few moments, watching as her breathing returned to a normal pattern and then spoke. Slowly and softly like she had. And just as deliberate.

"No, Addison. I never thought I was perfect."

She held the bag for a moment. Making sure she could say what she wanted to say.

"Good Derek because I was starting to think you thought of yourself as God because that look in Meredith Grey's eyes is worship Derek and I can't give you that."

She brought the bag back to her mouth. The feeling of breathlessness returning.

They remained as is for the moments to come. Uncertainty between both.

Removing the bag, she looked up at Derek. She was still crying and she was sure she was never going to stop.

He was looking elsewhere. She hoped he was remembering the good times. She was tired of his dreams of Meredith.

She remembered their happiness. And compared to the sadness it was much more plentiful.

Somewhere it got lost.

"Please Derek." Her voice interrupted their silence once again.

He simply nodded and helped her to the bedroom where she curled up. Here breathing still uneasy.

She knew her dreams would be restless though knowing Derek's frame lay next to her gave her some comfort.

He was still with her. Though she'd never tell a soul, she prayed one day his heart would be with her as well.

i wanted to see you walking backwards
and get the sensation of you coming home
i wanted to see you walking away from me
without the sensation of you leaving me alone

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Counting Crows

I hate making Addison seem so pathetic but the way I envisioned their relationship for now makes her seem broken. I don't like the idea of a man breaking a woman but when you love someone so deeply they can hurt you in the worst ways. But they can also put you up and that's hopefully where this goes.

And boo on ABC for using the concept of not being able to breathe. I felt violated when Meredith said that. Ok, so I might be getting a little possessive of something I don't know ;).