Ok, so I lied, I am still addek, just a hurt addek fan. I mean, one step forward, six steps back are the way the writers are writing Addy and Derek. But now I'm over it, I'm done with Grey's itself but the wonderful world of fanfiction will keep me going! And so will reviews ;).
And I am still a diehard member of Team Addy!
And I don't think I'll ever be mer/der, they represent everything I hate in a couple. And I'm not an Ellen Pompeo fan. If it matters to anyone.
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Tonight feels like a million miles away
And these times just won't change
Life just stays the same
I'd give anything to see the light of day
"You see, Derek has this story he likes to tell. He likes to believe I broke him and Meredith Grey put him back together. The truth is Derek broke me and along the way he broke himself."
She sat still, her legs crossed, the knee length pencil skirt still sitting on her perfectly. Her black Malanos shining even in the dim light of the office. Her shoulders back and her hands lying softly across her knees.
She was perfection in the form of a woman. She looked put together almost unbroken. She made angst look good.
But then again who knew of her anguish? She was Addison Sheppard, the highly frustrated, passive aggressive, but relatively happy neonatal attending at Seattle Grace Hospital.
She had looks, money, success. What could she be sad about?
Was everything too large of an answer?
"After we lost our daughter, we stopped talking; I lost a part of me then. And when we stopped going home together, I lost another part. When we stopped making love to each other, I lost another part. And when I miscarried, I lost another part of me. Somewhere along the line I lost so many pieces I fell apart. I broke."
He was still looking at her. A sad understanding.
"I can see how you broke Addison; my only question is, if Meredith put Derek back together, who puts you back together?"
Who was going to fix her?
The husband who broke her?
He was the only person who could.
"Maybe I'm meant to be broken."
And with that she took a deep breathe. She always felt shaky; even if her body was still inside she was falling apart.
"No one's meant to be broken. Some people choose to be broken but no one is meant for it," he looked at her, concern filling his eyes, "I need you to know that Addison."
She fiddled with her hands, being nervous was a new habit.
"Schedule your next appointment with my secretary. Maybe in a few more sessions Derek can join us. I think he needs to see the progress we've made."
What progress had they made?
She was still just as broken and sad and Derek still did not care.
Even if Derek came, he could never see just how deep her pain was. Derek couldn't even see her.
She gathered her things and still scheduled the appointment.
She walked to her car and sat down, shut the door, and buckled her seat belt. And before she could do anything else was felt tears running down her face.
She was but a shadow of the woman she used to be.
She remembered happiness, smiling, laughing for the sake of laughing.
She remembered being strong, being confident. She remembered waking Derek up in the middle of the night to make love to him.
When had that Addison disappeared?
She wanted to yell, break things, anything to make the pain less. But what was the point in screaming, no one was listening anyways.
She dried her tears, life went on and she would have to learn to live with this new weakness.
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She leaned on the railing looking over the lobby outside the Chief's office. Her meeting with him stressful but he understood. He prayed it wouldn't come to that but if it was what she needed; he would give it to her.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breathe. Her hands shaking only slightly.
She prayed it wouldn't come to that but life had a way of taking unexpected turns.
She turned her heel, she had patients, she had labs to run, she had surgeries, and she had no time to wallow in self pity.
She had reached the nurse's station when Derek tapped her on the shoulder.
"Richard said I should talk to you. He said there's something I need to know."
His voice still indifferent, as if Richard had ordered him to inquire about his wife.
She wanted to keep walking, Derek didn't need to know.
Perhaps he didn't deserve to know.
"It's nothing you need to worry about."
She took a step forward. What was the point in telling him, his continued indifference would certainly only kill her further.
It simply hurt too much to tell someone who didn't care.
"I try Addison, I try, and now you walk away."
She stopped, she walked away? After everything, he had the audacity to say she was walking away.
"It hurts Derek. It hurts to say and I can't tell you if all I get is apathy. Everyday I find myself losing another piece; you can't ignore me this time."
Once again it wasn't anger. She felt like she may never have the strength to yell at Derek again. Like she would never be strong enough to feel any emotion other than sadness.
He continued to stand his ground, no words necessary between the two.
"I told Richard that I may need to take a leave of absence. I'd stay on as long as I could but I just don't know."
She remembered her life without medicine, it was her escape. Without it all she could do was obsess over the thousands of mistakes she had made in her short life.
She felt so weak, so helpless once again. And she dreaded going back to that sad place within herself.
"Leave for what?"
She stepped closer, her body next to his but both remained stiff.
"My attacks," her voice so shaky, "If they get worse, I don't want to be here."
"They won't get worse. I'm here."
He said it as a matter of fact, like he could cure her. Simple as that.
"I don't know if that's enough anymore."
She was scared. And for a second she thought she saw fear in his eyes. For the first time, in a long time she saw real emotion from him, like he understood how much they hurt her. How much he hurt her everyday.
Fear that he may not be enough anymore. Like she knew she wasn't enough.
"After you left I stopped doing surgery. I just couldn't do it without you."
So sad, so slow.
They were silent and she knew it was in that moment that Derek realized just how important he was to her. And the idea that he may not be enough would mean her end.
He brought his hands up to her elbows, cradling her slightly. Both their bodies relaxing at the touch.
"But I'm here now," he whispered into her ear, his voice so low it sent chills down her spine.
"You're not really here Derek."
So sad, so slow.
She stepped away from him long enough to catch a glimpse of his eyes.
Oh, his eyes always got her.
And as soon as they weren't touching all she wanted was his touch and he understood.
He kissed her, hard but still full of passion. She needed him, and it almost seemed like he needed her too. She prayed it wasn't just in her mind.
They stumbled backwards, towards the on call room, a hunger between the two they thought they had lost.
The door was open and shut and she was sure more than a few people had seen them but she didn't care. He felt so good and she hadn't felt good in a long time.
He draped kisses along her neck and unbuttoned her shirt quickly. His hands not moving fast enough for either one.
He pushed her against the door. And she wished he'd push harder so she'd have marks to remember the feeling of being of being held.
Her arm snaked around his neck bringing him closer as he finally removed her shirt and propped her up, her legs wrapping sleekly around his torso.
Slowly key clothing fell aside and they explored each other's bodies, daring to believe it wouldn't hurt more in the morning.
It felt like home, like nothing bad had ever happened to her and he had never been hurt.
She tried not to cry.
"I don't want you to be broken"
His voice hoarse. She didn't know what it meant and she was sure she never would.
"Then don't stop."
It was easier to pretend that was all she needed. And she knew it would only break him further to know she was already shattered on the floor.
And for a moment she dared to believe she was the only one who could fix him.
Their breathing heavy as he set her down. A glistening layer of sweat covering their bodies. She didn't know what to feel but it felt almost like happiness, though she wouldn't kid herself with thinking that that was what she was feeling or the idea that she may feel it again.
She felt Derek's tears in the crevasse between her neck and shoulder, a place he always rested his head when he was unsure what to do.
"I meant it."
His voice tired. They were both dieing.
"I don't know if I can believe you."
She kissed him before she found her clothing. Life was too hard sometimes.
It scared her to tell him anything else. He was everything to her. She'd do anything; give up anything just for him. But to let him know that, that was too much.
And most of all she was scared of what to do because Derek was finally listening and no one had listened in a long time.
we walk in your footsteps
though i've had my ups and downs
and i'll stand in the silence
until i figure it out
one might fall and the other will stand
and one might give where the other won't bend
the night is bright as the sun
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Lifehouse
I didn't want to write the sex scene in detail. I mean we don't need to see panties dropping to get the picture. Plus I am horrible at writing it, angst is much more my forte. I don't know what I'm trying to get across; their relationship is a mess at this point so I guess it makes sense the story is a mess too ;).
Thanks to all my reviewers--ya'll make the world go round.