on we go, and thank you.
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so why do you fill my sorrow
with the words you've borrowed
from the only place you've known
She needed to be alone. Truly alone.
She was tired of being around people and still feeling alone.
They all laughed and smiled and she played along. But the act was getting harder and harder.
She always felt so tired and lieing took so much effort.
So she took herself away from it all and escaped to the roof of Seattle Grace which overlooked the bustling downtown.
A light snow was falling even in end February.
The city lights twinkled and she could hear traffic down below, it almost felt like New York.
She missed the city. Or maybe she missed how she felt in the city.
She knew it wasn't the city, or how she felt, it was how she was with Derek. It was being close to Derek.
Regardless, Seattle had grown on her, though it wasn't home.
She hadn't been home in ages. Home was when she was happy with Derek.
Once upon a time she thought home would be wherever Derek was, but Seattle made her doubt this. Seattle made her doubt everything she believed in.
"I'm starting to think you've become a recluse."
She turned her head to see him standing in the doorway of the stairs. He wrapped his coat tighter around himself as he walked out onto the roof.
She knew it was cold, colder than any other day in February but she was already numb to it all.
"You should be wearing a coat Addison."
He stood next to her, trying to keep her warm.
Was this his effort to be a good husband?
"I'm ok Derek. I just needed a minute away from everything downstairs."
She turned and sat on the ledge of the roof.
Her fingers playing in her lap. This conversation made her nervous, Derek made her nervous.
"Are you having trouble breathing?"
He remained off to the side of her now, looking out over the city.
"Not anymore than usual."
She had learned to live with the pain in her chest every time she inhaled. A reminder she was alive.
Did it worry him to know his wife was becoming accustomed to being incomplete?
"Maybe you should see a doctor."
She smiled, "I am a doctor. And so are you. What's your prognosis?"
"This isn't funny Addison."
"It should be."
She was a joke, wasn't she? Wife of Dr. McDreamy who was in love with Meredith Grey. The nurses all gossiped, poor thing, she had no clue.
She knew, she just chose to ignore it. That's how broken she was.
She looked up at him. He looked so composed as they stood there. She wondered how he did it. How he woke up everyday, how he went to work, how he simply lived, simply breathed.
"I think about jumping sometimes Derek. Sometimes I think there's something better."
He didn't move.
"You scare me sometimes Addy."
She smiled again, "I scare myself."
She wasn't going to jump, no. She'd only think about it every once in a while but she was much too afraid of life without Derek to actually do it.
She wondered if he knew that.
He kept her alive.
"How did you do it Derek?"
"Huh?"
She shook him from his reverie.
"How did you do it?" Her voice cracking.
"Did what?"
He was looking at her, and she swore she saw tears in his eyes.
Why do we always hurt the ones we love the most?
"How did you move on? How did you keep living your life when mine fell apart?"
She sobbed softly. Her fingers feeling numb now from the cold. And it hurt but it still felt good to feel something again.
He knelt in front of her, holding her hands within his. He felt warm. He felt alive.
"Is that what you think Addy? Is that how you see us? That I am perfectly fine and you are broken? I can't be whole without you and I tried but every time I see you and I see you in pain, I break."
His voice so desperate, so hurt he had to pause, compose himself.
"You were in so much pain in New York, and I tried but you wouldn't let me help you. It was so hard seeing you like that and not being able to do anything. So I stopped. I couldn't bear standing outside the bathroom door listening to you sob inside and then walk out like you were perfectly fine. You stopped letting me in, and I just stopped trying to get in. I thought you didn't need me and I needed you so much. I didn't know how to fix it Addy," he chocked slightly, "I still don't know how to fix it. I never meant to hurt you. I just don't know what to do. Tell me what to do, please."
He was crying softly, and she saw Derek break in front of her eyes.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, allowing him to rest against her chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist, his cries became deep sobs which shook his entire body and shook her small frame too.
She felt so close to him, closer than they had for a long time.
"This Derek, just do this."
we might kiss when we are alone
when nobody's watching
we might take it home
we might make out when nobody's there
it's not that we're scared
it's just that it's delicate
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Damien Rice
Short but we get to see Derek break. It shows they share the heartache, Addison's pain is Derek's pain.
Inspiration from "Round Here" by Counting Crows--look at the lyrics, they played a big role in where this chapter went. And once again, thank you.