"Mom, please put it back in the closet. I can manage." I pleaded struggling down the steps heaving the overgrown suitcase with one hand and clinging to the rail with the other. To be honest I was more dragging it step by step behind me than actually carrying.
"Are you sure? I can ask Phil to...honey! Why are you taking your luggage down? Phil can do that. You're going to hurt yourself. Phil!" She shouted and hurried away while I concentrated on the last few steps. Feeling accomplished I took the backpack off my back and put it next to the suitcase. I already regretted not thinking further than this because having both hands occupied I couldn't bring down the one thing with me that could get me farther than this. Sighing I slowly lowered myself to the last step and waited for Phil and my overwhelmed mother to come back.
Only after we landed in Seattle and made my way through the rows of the plane did it fully settle that my mother had hugged me before sending me off. She hadn't done that in weeks. Not counting holding me up when I couldn't do it myself. I didn't blame her. Charlie had agreed to meet me at the baggage claim so I wasn't faced with the impossibility of trying to get everything out of here, including myself, without incident. He greeted me with a tight hug so uncharacteristic for him. I buried my face in his chest Inhaling the scent of tobacco that I hated but was oddly comforted by right now.
"Hey, Bells. Everything go okay?" I nodded untangling myself and leaning back on my trusted companion.
"Is this everything?" He looked skeptically at my meager collection of luggage. "Yeah. I didn't have much to bring." That's the result of the nomadic life our mother made us live. Not that I didn't appreciate the experiences I had because of it. As to everything in life, there are advantages and disadvantages. While he took my luggage and herded me through the airport he kept looking at me adjusting his speed and glaring at other pedestrians who came to close for his liking. I smiled while shaking my head. This should get interesting.
"Ahm, your mother told me about the car thing... I'm sorry this is such a long ride. Did you already take something?" He looked so unsure. I ducked my head to conceal the spreading heat on my cheeks. The car thing that's a new way to describe it. It doesn't go unnoticed that there is no negative tone to his inquiry.
"Yeah. When we landed. It takes a while to work." He nodded and continued his glaring giving me the time and space to get over my stupid reaction. There is nothing to be ashamed of I told myself. Trying to dig up the words of Mom and Alice. Positive enforcement. Dad put the luggage in the trunk while I tried to fold myself into the passenger seat of his police cruiser without making a fool out of myself. The trick is to sit down first and then try to get my leg to cooperate enough so I can get the rest of me into the car. Dad had obviously already put the seat back as far as he could. Closing the door I take a deep breath. Having shut out the busy sidewalk with rushing people shouting into their phones struggling to hear anything over all the noise I try to concentrate. I needed to focus. I could feel the underlying panic through the light fog of the medication. I toyed with the thought of taking out my hearing aid to center myself but quickly threw that out. Not being able to hear what was coming was not an option so instead, I steeled myself against the onslaught of emotion and memory. By now dad was sitting beside me and had started the car. He looked over at me with questioning eyes.
"Can you roll down the window a little?" "Of course." He seemed grateful to be able to do something to help. I could emphasize the crushing feeling of helplessness. When you just wanted to do something to alleviate the pain of a loved one. The difference was that I was partly the cause of my mother's pain. So the only thing I could do was make it worse. Which is what brought me here. Dad turned on the radio distracting me from my dangerous thoughts. Without realizing I had dug my nails into my arms. The pain shocked me out of my daze. Trying to relax my hands and rubbed them over my jeans to have something to do. The swishing of the car tires on the rained roads I could hear through the crack in the window creates a unison sound in the background. Like white noise. Dad cleared his throat.
"Is there something you need for school or at home? We can stop at the store before we go home." I swallowed. "No, I packed a few notebooks and stuff. It'll probably take a few days to see if I need anything else. The school is going to provide the books. Did you go grocery shopping recently?" I was rambling but I needed the conversation to continue now that we started talking. He smiled and winked at me.
"Yes. I went earlier today. Got everything I could think of. See, I can take care of us." I couldn't stop the smile from spreading on my face.
"I'm sure you can." I joked. Surprising myself. He chuckled and we continued to talk until we got to the driveway of his little townhouse. Home. Despite only being here once or twice a year all my life I've come to think of this little White House as my home. It was the only constant one I had and coming back here every year filled me with a sense of comfort. Just like it did now. Only was I not leaving again in a few weeks. This was it. Dad stopped the car and was at my door in a second but I had already opened it not being able to get out of the car fast enough. Being hindered by my physical state made the jumping out part just a little difficult. He took my hands and pulled me to my feet before retrieving the cane from beneath my seat. "Well...welcome home." He started, getting a little misty-eyed. He wasn't an emotional man but the last months took a toll on him too. Coming home shouldn't be like this. Something was missing. It was obvious to us both. He took a deep breath kissed me on the cheek and went to get my luggage while I made my way to the front door. Being careful of the muddy ground that threatened to make me go unintentional horizontal. My thoughts stopped instantly, so did my breath. The phrase punching a hole in my stomach and robbing me of the comforting feeling I just felt. Without my permission, a string of memories came at me like a tsunami and threatened to drown me. A dimply smile, brown locks, slipping feet, bruises, fingers wiping tears from my cheeks. I couldn't stop them so I endured them. one after the other bringing with them happiness and anguish in the same image. Of course, my state didn't go unnoticed by Dad. When my vision cleared and the images faded into the background his worried face appeared before mine replacing the fingers from my memory with his calloused ones, wiping at my cheeks.
"Hey, there you are. What happened? Did I say something? Do something?" I couldn't take his self-deprecation. It's unnecessary for something so unpredictable. If someone was at fault it was my faulty brain.
"No, just a coincidence. It happens all the time. Don't worry." I had to swallow to continue.
"It's normal." I had to learn that myself, I still did. So I said it as often as I could force myself to. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but closed it again. The second time he said, "what can I do?" I forced a small bitter smile. again the helplessness.
"Nothing. Just...be there." He nodded contemplating my words then put an arm around me guiding me to the door over the treacherous muddy ground.
"I'm going to put a spiked metal cap on this thing so it doesn't slip as easily." He mumbled almost to himself. He had already brought the luggage to the door while I stood in the slight rain. I inhaled the fresh air scented with the smell of the woods that surrounded us to try and stop from shaking, my hands still clammy, mouth dry.
We spend the rest of the day putting my stuff away and figuring out how I could best function in the new environment. It wasn't easy but doable. The only staircase was much smaller than I was used to. That was a plus. I could easily put my arms out and touch the walls on either side. The bathroom was trickier because it was smaller too and I shared it with dad. Being so slow I would take a lot longer than him and we had to come up with a plan so we didn't hinder each other. With a sheepish look, he showed me the wheelchair he had purchased. That was our only disagreement so far. I didn't need it. He said mom made him promise. I relented. If I had my way it would collect dust in the closet and I'd never have to see it again. After a relieved Charlie had made us sandwiches and we watched a game on TV I went straight to bed. Exhausted from the trip and the magnitude of everything. I still had trouble wrapping my head around my new reality. Dad came up not long after me and checked on me. I was still awake but content for the moment. Sleep would come. It always did eventually. As always, when it came it lowered my defenses, and the wall between my barely functioning self and my memories didn't hold. It was a lost battle before it even started.