Slight language ahead--very slight. enjoy.
cold, and the whiskey is wearing
and i'm on the edge of my breath
ohh...
and i'm thinking of leaving
i could just lay down
lay down and freeze to death.
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"Derek thinks I had Mark. He doesn't understand."
It was the darkest time in her life and Derek thought she had Mark.
She was shaken. How could he even think that?
The alcohol was still in her system but now in the form of a hangover. But then again, it wasn't the first time.
She woke up in the bed of the trailer, every inch of her body aching. Derek had come back at some point and taken pity on her passed out self. He was, of course, gone before she woke up.
But the simple fact that he had come back meant he cared, right? Or at least she hoped that's what it meant.
They had been moving forward. But now she just didn't know.
Waking up with the knowledge of what Derek believed made it feel maybe they had done nothing at all in the past few months. She was right back where she started.
She didn't know who would understand. Though sitting in front of a man she barely knew she thought perhaps she had made the wrong decision.
But then again who else could she go to? He was the closest thing she had to a friend in Seattle.
"Why did you have Mark?"
Why? Because Derek was gone. Maybe not physically but that didn't matter. Derek wasn't there when she needed him the most.
She couldn't be alone after everything that had happened. Someone had to pick her up.
She wanted Derek, she needed Derek but Derek didn't need or want her.
Or at least that's what she thought.
Maybe she had made a mistake.
She closed her eyes before speaking, trying desperately to keep breathing.
"Maybe Derek thought I didn't need him. And I thought Derek didn't need me."
And what they really needed most was the other.
Maybe there was no hope.
She didn't let Derek in. He was there and she just didn't see him. Maybe she had broken Derek.
"What do I do?"
Her voice strained. Someone had to tell her what to do because she was lost.
Someone had to help her.
"Addison, you've connected the pieces. You don't need me to tell you anything."
She felt weak. He couldn't tell her. And she knew she couldn't tell herself anything.
That was why Derek had left in the first place.
She felt tired and she couldn't think straight.
"It's ok to cry Addison."
He said it simply, like he thought she hadn't cried in ages.
"I know, but I'm too tired to cry."
Crying meant hope, fear that you could lose it all.
She had already lost everything and it was her own fault. She couldn't blame Mark, or Meredith, not even Derek.
The emptiness she felt threatened to devour her. It even seemed too hard to simply carry on with her life. But that feeling wasnt anything new.
"I have to be at work. Thank you for seeing me at such short notice doctor."
She got up steadily though her legs still felt so shaky.
The doctor said something but she wasn't listening, she just kept walking, she'd make it somewhere eventually.
She wasn't going to work. She never wanted to go to work. How could she give other people hope when she had none herself?
She started her car and drove to the trailer. For a moment she thought about leaving. Leaving Seattle. Leaving everything. Disappearing forever.
But that wouldn't solve any problems. And she'd still be as empty inside.
And the only idea which seemed to make sense was getting more liquor since she had already finished the bottle of brandy she had hidden from Derek.
She of course stopped; it was all too easy to drown her worries in alcohol. And it did help to dull the pain.
She looked at the clock; it was just past two in the afternoon.
Was this the woman she had become?
No one who knew her before Derek left would recognize her. That much she knew.
She wondered if Derek realized how much she had changed. His strong, beautiful, confident wife was no longer present. She was merely a shell of her past self.
She'd never admit it but sometimes she felt as much in need of a savior as Meredith.
She pulled up next to Derek's car; he was home, much to her surprise. She had assumed he'd be working long hours once again. She knew they were doomed to repeat their past mistakes.
She walked in, setting the bottle down on the table and looking for a glass.
"Richard said you took a personal day. I thought I'd come check on you."
She ignored him. He almost seemed interested in her though she knew she was probably reading too much into the statement.
He carried on, after taking notice that she continued to search for a glass and pretend he wasn't there.
"I want to apologize for last night Addy. My mind was somewhere else."
His mind was always elsewhere, on the woman who now held his heart.
She choked back a sob. Where the hell were all the glasses?
He remained standing where he was, between the kitchen and bedroom, leaning against the wall.
What did it matter anyways? Whether it was Meredith or Mark or anything else she had lost Derek along time ago. She was holding on to him by a thread now, a simple word like obligation.
"Addison, are you ok?"
She turned towards him. She didn't look perfect today. Her hair was still a mess and her shirt and jeans wrinkled. Her shoes scuffed and her makeup nonexistent.
"I don't think I'm ever going to be ok Derek."
And she could see the surprise on Derek's face that her voice wasn't bitter, just raw and heavy. So much so that the weight of it caused her to sit down.
She was there in front of Derek, walls down, simply falling apart. Open to him like any patient on an operating table. It was maybe the first time he had taken notice to just how unshielded she was these days.
"I think I'm going to leave."
She didn't know where that came from. But it seemed like the right thing to say.
"Leave where?"
He played dumb. Meredith didn't want anyone but him, and he didn't want anyone but Meredith. She was tired of this game they were playing.
"I'm too tired of this Derek. All of this. I can't do it anymore. Richard, he'll let me go. I need to go."
Her voice so desperate it hurt to hear and she saw the pain clearly written on his face. Her chest moved erratically, like she'd been crying for hours when really the tears had only really started.
"I don't want you to go."
He didn't want her to be broken either but there are things you can't help.
And it seemed like there was some honesty in his voice but Derek had stopped telling her the truth along time ago.
She looked at him again, trying hard to look through him. She hoped eventually she would stop seeing Derek like he stopped seeing her.
"I was in so much pain Derek, every moment of every day. And I thought you didn't want to help me. Maybe I was too dense or maybe I was so fucked up I didn't see things the way they were but I lost you Derek. I thought you didn't need me so I tried to find something to fill this hole you left inside of me," she looked into his eyes before continuing. She had to make sure he understood that she knew she'd never be whole again.
"I made a mistake and my life fell apart. I thought you weren't there Derek but I'm starting to realize you needed me then too. Maybe as much as I needed you, maybe more," she stopped again, catching her breath which came in short gasps now, "But now, now you really don't need me. It's ok Derek. I know its time to let you go."
They stood in silence. Everything so powerful she felt that the walls of the trailer would come falling down around them.
"I need you like air Addison. I need you like water. I need you like sleep, like rain, like medicine. I don't know how to make you understand but I need you to stay. I need you to know I'm trying."
He didn't move. Just looked up at the ceiling like he was fighting back tears.
She still loved him, and she knew she could never stop.
"You don't need me like that Derek. Maybe a long time ago but not now."
He needed Meredith and only Meredith.
"Those kinds of things don't change Addy. They're always with you."
Everything changes. Seasons, people, even love. She would've thought Derek understood that.
"You need me like that too Addison."
She looked over at him so stiff against the wall. He looked tired; he probably hadn't slept all night.
Maybe she did need Derek like air, that's why she couldn't breathe. He wasn't there and she was suffocating.
He turned to look at her and their eyes met again, "I'm afraid Addison. We're getting closer and there's this voice inside that tells me it's too good to be true. Like one day I'm going to wake up and it'll all be gone. Maybe I keep hurting you so I won't get hurt again."
We always hurt the ones we love the most, right?
"Tell me it's wrong. Show me I won't get hurt again," his voice just as bare as hers was.
She got up slowly and pressed herself against his frame. Somehow her curves still managed to fit perfectly into all his corners. Their lips slowly meeting, reassuring both that there was still something worth trying for.
They slept the entire afternoon. Addison hadn't slept like that in years.
i'll wait, back here
or will you notice
a moment in time
a photograph lost here
since you were mine
i'll wait back here
or shouldi start pushing my way back
yeah, should i start pushing my way back?
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Howie Day
who knows what i'm doing here? maybe some addy and mer interaction next time. R&R, thanks.