i have a cold--reviews are like chicken soup...enjoy.

then looking upwards
i strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites

She took a seat in the nearly empty gallery. Her husband was performing a routine surgery and he had one observer besides herself.

It was no shock to Addison to see Meredith Grey sitting two rows in front of her. She was so lost she had not even noticed Addison entering and taking a seat. It was not until Addison shuffled her patient files that Meredith even realized that she was no longer alone.

"Dr. Montgomery-Sheppard, I didn't hear you come in. I just had a moment so I thought I'd see Der—Dr. Sheppard operate."
Addison smiled, "We're friends Meredith, call me Addison."

She didn't have friends outside New York. Richard a mentor, Preston a colleague. No room for friends.

"I would have thought Dr. Bailey had more interesting things lined up for her interns."
Meredith stumbled, she was caught so off guard.

"I'm supposed to be in the pit but it's been a slow day so I thought I'd come here and learn something."

Addison nodded her head, "He is amazing to watch. Perfection."

The word rolled off her tongue and she knew she didn't mean it. Derek was no where near perfect, he himself would admit to the fact.

Meredith simply turned her head and watched Derek play God on the operating table.

It wasn't surprising to Addison that Meredith had agreed, though a part of her hoped Meredith really didn't think he was perfect. Perfection meant devotion, and who could compete with devotion?

But maybe it would help Meredith understand.

"He's not perfect Meredith. I hope you know that."
Meredith turned; stunned at the words Addison spoke. Maybe a little offended at being seen as so naive.

"I know he isn't perfect."
The words said with no conviction. Addison looked at the girl. She was still so young. In her eyes Derek couldn't be anything but perfect.

She took a quivering breath. It was a sad realization for Addison, Meredith had to know. Though she really deserved to know nothing. No one deserved to know but it was out of her hands.

"He hates taking out the trash. And he never makes the bed. He tosses his clean clothes with the dirty ones and he tells the difference between them by smelling them."

Addison paused, a look of longing on Meredith's face. She knew all of this.

"He hates talking about his emotions. He'd rather bottle it all in because he thinks he's saving people from being hurt. And he hates funerals. He hasn't been to one since Kaelyn." Addison's voice was a whisper. And the hint of humor in Addison's tone disappeared.

Meredith looked confused.

She didn't deserve to know, Addison's heart screamed.

"When Derek and I buried our little girl I suppose we buried part of ourselves. A part only the other person even knew we ever had."

"Addison, I…I never knew. Derek never mentioned."
Of course she didn't know, Derek didn't talk about those kinds of things. Seattle was something new, something away from the pain.

"How we dealt with losing her was so very imperfect. Maybe that's when it started to fall apart, but there were things we both did. Mistakes we both made. But we both pray we can find that piece we lost in the other person."

An uncomfortable silence filled the room and Addison even contemplated whether it was worth continuing.

"And do you know what takes away from his perfection most of all? That he stayed with me, that he broke your heart."

Meredith looked up at Addison, emotions Addison couldn't even begin to explain written on her face, "No, that's what makes him perfect, that's what makes him Derek."
And as Meredith said the words Addison knew she realized that no matter how much Meredith denied it, Derek was perfection to her.

"No Meredith, it doesn't make him perfect. His faults make him real. Make him human. Can you love someone who is perfect? To love means you see those shortcomings. You see them and you vow to make up for them. Derek is on a pedestal to you. You can't even admit that what he did to you was wrong. It isn't love Meredith."

Meredith looked indignant. Like she had been slapped in the face.

"Who do you think you are?" Meredith's voice quickly rising and Addison was glad they were alone.

"You march in here, perfect hair, perfect clothes, 3 inch stilettos like you're on some New York runway and you think you have any right to talk to me about perfection? You think you can tell me that I don't love Derek. Since you have been here, I have seen Derek make up for none of your faults because you don't have any Addison. Even your affair was because of Derek's faults. You tell me you aren't perfect but all I've seen is perfection. And that's all you demand from Derek. You are perfect."

Tears were streaming down Meredith's face and it took everything in Addison to keep herself together.
"Meredith, please. I never said I was perfect and I never wanted people to think I was," maybe that was a lie, she just, she didn't want to be pitied, "I had to protect myself."

Meredith had turned her gaze to Derek once more, who was completely unaware of what was going on above him.

"I am no where near perfect, Derek knows that and he knows he is no where near perfection himself. But we try to complete one another. Derek is already complete in your eyes. You don't even see how broken he is."

Meredith collected herself, wiping her tears on her much too long sleeves.

"I didn't want to hurt you, that was never my intention; I just needed you to see how you see Derek."

Meredith was already half way out the door but she stopped and turned back to Addison, "If Derek is broken, it's because of you."

She heard the door shut and Addison was alone. It didn't hurt to hear those words, they were true. The only thing Meredith missed was that Addison was broken as well. They both had an equal hand in the destruction of the other. But Addison knew Meredith was in too much pain to see that Addison was no where near complete without Derek.

She honestly didn't want to hurt Meredith; she just wanted to save her marriage.

It would be different now, now everyone knew. Her image shattered, but if it meant Derek, it was worth it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She sat alone in the on call room, her eyes quite red she was sure.

The door cracked open, and Derek stepped in.

"I told her. She knows. They all know."

Her voice caught deep in her throat. It hurt to say, it hurt to imagine the scene outside. The interns, the nurses, everyone.

Derek sat down next to her, and kissed the side of her forehead, "I know."

"Are you upset?"
She prayed he wasn't upset, she'd never make it otherwise.

"No, I should never have run from it."

His voice sad. Maybe a little upset that all the pain was truly a reality. They'd both been living in denial for so long it was hard to distinguish what the truth was.

"You will make up for what I lack, right Derek?"

"I always have and always will."

"Then I'll make it."

She laid down, her back to him. She still felt so tired. Tired and sad.

Derek put his head down next to her, pulling her closer to him.

In that moment, she felt like she was enough. She prayed it wouldn't pass.

when you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
when you need directions then i'll be the guide
for all time
for all time

---------------------------------

Death Cab for Cutie

i think they'reready to moveforward in their relationship--hopefully no more crazy set backs like him leaving her in the trailer. we'll see (bc this story really goes where it wants).

and thank you.