these are the days
that i won't get back
i won't hear you cry
or hear you laugh
and when it's quite
and i don't hear a thing
i can always hear you breathe

"You always look sad."
She smiled at the irony, he sounded sad.

"I am, in a way. I think a part of me will always be sad."

She didn't feel like lying today.

Both sat in the empty on call room. Many of the other doctors and interns had named it the "Sheppard on call room" considering both of them, well Addison in particular, spent the majority of their free time in there.

And though Addison knew the Chief had probably received numerous complaints from other floors for the inconvenience of finding surgeons sleeping in their on call rooms he had yet to say anything to either one. She was sure he had heard the hospital gossip and knew both needed time to themselves.

Going through the pain of losing a child was hard enough. To hear butchered stories of the events was more than he knew they could bear.

And Addison was already so fragile.

Today Derek had brought sandwiches. He was willing to venture into the outside world much more than she was. Addison walked through the halls with purpose, never lounging at the nurse's station to fill charts or watch a fellow surgeon perform from the gallery.

A sinking feeling that if she was out there too long she'd stop breathing. She had been fine thus far but the thought, the threat, remained. They'd come back, she knew, it was just a waiting game now.

"What are you afraid of out there?"

What wasn't she afraid of?

"You're not the one they called Satan." The humor clearly visible in her tone.

He smiled at her, "I'm sorry for that."
She looked back at him, a light in her eyes, "I know you are. I guess it was all too easy with my amazing red hair."

She took a bite of her sandwich. She didn't mind being in the on call room all the time, her and Derek spent more time together. They held one another. And at the end of the day they would drive home together.

It was quite a change.

But it really wasn't, it was like when they fell in love. Like when they were interns but she wouldn't scare Derek by mentioning that.

"I don't know Derek. It doesn't seem right. They didn't know her; they don't know how bright her star was."

Maybe too bright.

"I know, but maybe we should tell them. Maybe they should know how much joy she brought to our lives."

Was it really that easy?

"Sometimes I feel like I'm losing her. Like the memories are slipping from my mind."

"They're always here." He pointed to her heart. He's so simple sometimes.

"And here." She pointed to his heart. He made her smile, something she felt she hadn't done in ages.

She still couldn't shake it. There were so many things people didn't know.

They used to go to church every Sunday.

But no one cared about that. That didn't fit in with who Addison was. Or at least who she was supposed to be.

It was true; they were completely different people today.

"What if they think I was a bad mother? That I didn't do something. That I could have saved her."
She never felt like she was enough.

"Then we'll tell them how it was. How we loved her more than life itself. How we had everything."
And she couldn't help but think how quickly they had lost it all as well.

"I'm always here Addison."

But for how long?

"I know."

She kissed him. He was there right now and she had missed him.

He shifted so she was beneath him. They had done a lot of this since seeking exile in the on-call room as well.

"We can make it through this, together." He whispered into her ear, and she felt goose bumps all over.

She nodded and went for his lips again.

She wished this was her world. She needed nothing else and she prayed that Derek didn't need anything else as well.

And though she felt happy, she still felt like she was walking on a wire and that she could simply slip and lose it all at any moment.

you know there's nowhere else
i've wanted to be
than be there when you need me
i'm sorry too
but don't give up on me
and just remember that when you get asleep
i got a little bit closer to you

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Wallflowers

i could end it now but that would be too easy. there are a few details we need to work out but i thought addy needed a break from being jerked around. and i felt in need of a simple, somewhat happy chapter.

thank you for reading.