What's the matter with you?" questions Daphne on the way back to the common room after the theatre production.
"Didn't you like the play Pansy?" asks Tracey
"I did" replies Pansy curtly
"Well, you look like the grumpy monster bit you on the bum. Hard" retorts Daphne
Truth be told Pansy wasn't exactly grumpy as much as she was distracted and even frustrated. Granger had worked her up not only physically but mentally too. She had spent a good portion of the remainder of the play conjuring fantastic revenge scenarios, each more elaborate than the previous, each requiring maximum planning to execute and thought on how to get Granger alone, but then something happened. She couldn't quite explain what she was feeling but something didn't sit right with her.
She knows that Granger was teasing her to get her revenge for the bathroom incident in the most impactful and public way. Her initial reaction was indignation and annoyance that Granger had just stopped short of a beautiful release but the reality is she had done Pansy a favour. She's not quite sure that she would have been able to silently maintain composure had Granger not stopped. But something else began to surface something she couldn't quite put her finger on. Something so uncomfortable it made her feel sick in the very pit of her stomach.
She walks back to the common room in silence, a myriad of thoughts swirling through her head as she tries to piece together what this feeling is. Operating on auto-pilot she barely registers that they have arrived back to their dorm until she's standing near her bed.
"Right, spill it Pansy" demands Daphne "what's happened?. You haven't said a word since the play"
"Nothing"
"Oh come on stop being a hard-headed hippogriff and spill it"
The realisation hits Pansy like a bucket of ice-cold water. Nausea swirls unrestrained in her stomach. Hard, that was it.
"It won't be easy" she blurts out. The moment she says it, it finally all made sense
"Pansy, what are talking about?"
Her thoughts are like a hurricane relentlessly twisting and turning, jumping from one spot to another. The words start to spill from her like a cascading river.
"It won't be easy" she repeats with vigour
"Pans-"
"I can hardly walk up to the Gryffindor table can I? We can't sit together, we can't hold hands like others. Merlin, we can even be seen together" Pansy says desperately.
Her heart pounding against her rib cage. The air around her thickens making it just that little bit harder to breathe. The words come thick and fast. Her jaw quivers.
"Half of our housemates want to hex her and I'm pretty sure more than half of hers want to hex me."
Pansy could not contain herself, a gush of negative scenarios plaque her thought. "She's a muggleborn, I'm one of the bloody sacred 28 purebloods. I can't even go down to the kitchens to put a shoe on a cauldron let alone bring a non-pureblood home"
Ignoring the confused looks on her friend's face the most chilling of thoughts hits her. Her palms sweat a little, adrenalin courses through her, shutting down her ability to think logically.
"And what if You Know Who is back? She's not just a muggleborn, she's best friends with Harry Potter. She's known, she's a target. Sure she's good at magic and can conquer little yellow birds, but that's completely different to dealing with him and his followers. How many witches and wizards went missing last time he was here? How would I stay neutral, like our parents?
Her brain feels like it has overloaded. She can feel the fear in her chest ready to explode. Tears threaten to spill, this was all too much.
Her feelings now made sense, every time she envisioned an act of revenge she couldn't quite piece together how she would be able to coordinate it.
" Pansy," says Daphne softly as she slowly walks to her, placing two hands gently on her shivering upper arms "I'm not sure what brought this on, but you need to breathe." She says rubbing Pansy's arms gently
"We don't know what's going to happen. We don't know for sure he's back, and if he is we'll work all the things out together, all four of us" she says nodding towards Millicent and Tracey who were standing there silently watching them, both still sporting stunning looks.
Pansy couldn't blame them, she had been happy, confident most of the time but here she was having a mini-breakdown.
"I'm sure not everyone in Slytherin hates the Gryffindors and vice versa" offers Millicent quietly
"She's right," says Daphne "We don't know how some of our housemates feel about Muggleborns or Gryffindors of anything for that matter"
Pansy is momentarily distracted by the look on Daphne's face. It was as if you could see the cogs in her brain working overtime, Daphne had thought of something, something she wasn't quite ready to share but it was something. She must remember to ask her later thinks Pansy
"But, it won't be easy," says Pansy softly
"Maybe it won't be as hard as you think?" says Tracey hopefully
"Really?" scoffs Pansy raising a disbelieving eyebrow towards Tracey
Her heart clenches further at the next thought "I think it's better to end this before it gets too complicated or serious " she says softly
"I think it's a bit late for that," says Millicent matter of factly
"I think the best thing we can do is sleep on it," says Daphne decidedly "There is no need to make any rash decision".
"But-"
"Pansy. You can't do anything about it tonight. Just see how you feel tomorrow. And if you still feel the same, well, we support you" says Daphne drawing Pansy into a big hug.
Tears threaten to spill at the sincerity of Daphne's words and actions. Never had she appreciated the friendship that Daphne and she had then at this moment. A small warmth threaten to break through her sadness at the realisation that Daphne would be at her side, her supporter regardless, and help her back to her feet facing the right direction should she ever falter and fall.
"Come on let's go to bed". encourages Daphne's softly
Pansy readies herself for bed dominated by overwhelming sadness. The questions and insecurities still play a slow sonnet in the back of her mind. How could she and Granger ever work? So many would not accept her and Granger. Is she ready for that battle and does she even want to fight it?
A carousel of confusion plagues her thoughts as she slides beneath the cool sheets as the candles are extinguished. Deep agonising tears threaten to break free and stream down her face as she lies in the darkness staring at nothing at all. She bites her lip in an attempt to hold her composure, she knows that if even one tear escapes she will be unable to stop the flood of tears lingering at the surface.
"Pansy," says Millicent softly
"Mmmm"
"Why did you want to put shoes on a cauldron?"
While everyone chats jubilantly on the way to their classes the next day sadness was the only emotion being pushed from Pansy's being.
Her heart had galloped from her chest when she had seen Granger earlier in the Great Hall. Unlike other days where she had craved to see Granger, to catch a glimpse of her honey speckled eyes, share a secret smile, today all she wanted to do was crawl under her duvet and stay there until everything made sense or until they graduated at least.
"Have you decided what you'll do?" asks Daphne
"No" answers Pansy honestly
Knowing not to press the matter further, Daphne simply gives Pansy's hand a reassuring squeeze.
Pansy couldn't explain how she was feeling; a plethora of emotions swirl through her and would change from one moment to the next based on the thoughts she was having at the time. Fear, dread, hope, sadness. Was it even possible to hold such a range of emotions in one moment? All she does know is that there is a deep heavy feeling in the pit of her belly, it was as if she had swallowed a big boulder.
She had sensed Granger trying to catch her attention all day, but all Pansy could think to do was to politely ignore her. Her brain has felt like it has run a marathon and she wants it so much to stop. Pansy knows if she looks over and acknowledges Granger she will just continue to churn things over until her brain just pops. So it was logical that ignoring Granger was the best thing she could do.
By the end of the day Pansy is exhausted, even her muscles ache from the emotion. pull and push she has put herself through.
"Let's try and get a table at the back," says Millicent
"The back of what?" asks Pansy so deep in her thoughts she had completely missed any of the conversations around her
"Ths library."
"Urgh, do we have to?" says Pansy. Not only was Pansy utterly exhausted but if there was one place Granger would be it was the library.
"We have assignments due," says Daphne
"Fine" sighs Pansy. It's not like Granger would approach her in front of everyone anyhow
Walking towards the library Pansy's head feels heavy and clouded, everything and every conversation around her seems far away almost like being underwater.
She quickly scans the library upon entry and is relieved to see that Granger surprisingly is nowhere to be seen.
Operating on autopilot she places her parchment and quill on the large ornate desk. Millicent is excited they managed to acquire a table at the back of the library near the Restricted Section. Her curiosity in the area had peaked ever since Pansy had told her she had met Granger there. Pansy is convinced Millicent is desperate to step into the Restricted Section but is still scared there may be wards protecting it against underage students and somehow Granger had been able to bypass them that evening.
Pansy scans the ornate bookshelves with their delicate carvings and filled with perfectly stacked books bound in red, green and brown leather. She sighs deeply, she didn't want to be here and she didn't feel like studying this evening. Instead, she folds her arms on the table using them as a pillow to rest her head. Her eyes softly close and her body begins to feel floppy she can feel herself being lulled into sleep and she doesn't resist it.
In such a deep slumber she barely registers the hands on her shoulders gently nudging her awake.
"Mmmm" Pansy mumbles as she tries to burrow her head deeper in the nook of her elbow and ignore the intruder for a few more peacefully minutes.
"C'mon Pansy you're drooling. Everyone can see"
Pansy's eyes shoot open and desperately wipes around her mouth, but it's dry.
"I knew that would get you going, can't have perfect Pansy Parkinson slobbering on the table" laughs Daphne
"Oh you're blooming hilarious," says Pansy "What do you want anyhow?"
"We're heading back to our room"
"Already?" asks Pansy
"We've been here nearly two hours," says Tracey
Pansy looks over to her blank parchment sitting on the table. Had she dosed off for that long? She was positive it had only been a few minutes.
"Don't worry?" says Daphne "you can borrow our notes. Now come on it's getting late".
Swiftly Pansy packs up her things. She was quite glad to be going back to her dorm, and much as she wished she could she just could not shake this lurking feeling of dread.
The short nap had given her on momentary respite from the clouds of doubt and sadness floating through her thoughts. With every step towards the Slytherin Commonroom the feelings that had been plaguing her all day returned. Pansy was thankful they had not encountered any other students as they neared the Slytherin area, it was just the four of them.
The secret passageway to the Slytherin dorms was in sight when suddenly
"Parkinson"
Faster than she has ever seen, Daphne and Tracey have their wands drawn pointing into thin air. Millicent shrieks putting both hands to her mouth in shock. The voice had come from nowhere, there was no one behind or in front of them but Pansy knew this voice all too well.
"It's just me," says Granger appearing from beneath Potter's invisibility cloak
"Merlin Granger," says Tracey you near got yourself hexed
"Hardly" scoffs Granger "You were waving your wand about like you were conducting an orchestra you'll need to hold your hand and wrist steady to conjure a spell."
Pansy can't help but fight back a smile. It was typical of Granger to take any opportunity to lecture someone even if they still had wands raised and poised at her.
"We couldn't see you" defends Tracey
"That invisibility cloak is really good" admits Millicent almost as good as the one in the Tale of Three Brothers," she says in awe
"What do you want Granger?" hisses Daphne clearly annoyed
"I would like to speak to Parkinson," says Granger casting a glance at Pansy
"Well maybe she doesn't want to speak to you," says Daphne
Pansy's chest clenches a little at the hurt look on Granger's face before saying "it's ok Daph, you guys go ahead I'll be there soon"
"You sure" questions Daphne, whom Pansy has noticed still can't lower her wand
Pansy nods. As much as she wanted to she couldn't avoid this confrontation any longer.
Lowering her wand slowly and keeping an eye firmly fixed on Granger Daphne says "c'mon we'll wait for Pansy in our room."
Pansy watches as her friends continue down the corridor out of sight.
Before Pansy can even open her mouth to speak Granger blurts out "Are you seriously ignoring me because of the… the…the...incident at the theatre" with her hands on her hips
"I wasn't ignoring yo-"
"Because if you are " continues Granger not allowing Pansy to finish "just remember you started all of this"
Pansy could feel the intense energy permeating off Granger with every word she spoke. Granger was annoyed and no doubt and been stewing over Pansy avoiding her all-day
"It's not the-"
"And you should be thankful because I at least had the courtesy to stop"
Pansy may hate being interrupted but she hates being told off more. Anger and annoyance begin to simmer like a hot cauldron deep in the pit of her belly. Pansy can feel the static in the air, crackling and popping like dry wood on a bonfire.
"It's not-"
"Imagine if I hadn't. How would explain that Parkinson huh? Or are you upset you didn't win? Merlin knows you Slytherins turn everything into a competition"
"I beg your pardon. That's rich coming from the most competitive person in this school" spits Pansy
"Just because I get good grades doesn't mean I'm competitive. I just-"
"Have to be the best at everything. Better than everyone else, Miss Know-it-all. That sounds like a competitive person to me"
If looks could kill, Pansy would be Avada Kedavraed on the spot. Pansy knows she's avoiding the issue but she can't help herself. She will be damned if she lets Granger make assumptions and attack her house. Every blood cell is now racing around in her body on high alert. Pansy can feel her chest heaving in frustration.
"Why are you acting like this"
"Who's acting?"
"Right. If you're going to be like that, I'm leaving"
"Fine run away Granger. Give up"
Pansy notices Granger's pupils dilate into giant black orbs like an angry cat ready to attack its prey.
"I.am.not.running.away" breathes Granger "But one of us has to be mature here"
"Whatever. Just go, Granger"
"Do not tell me what to do Parkinson," Granger says steadily with a dangerous edge to her tone
"Or else what? You'll bore me to death with some facts about the History of Hogwarts " challenges Pansy
"Do you get a perverse pleasure from vexing me" screeches Granger "Because Merlin knows you have been foul and loathsome since first year"
"If I'm so foul and loathsome then what are you doing here?" replies Pansy her voice too now raised
"I have absolutely no idea" spits Granger turning to walk away
"Woah, someone sends an owl to The Daily Prophet. Hermione Granger admits she doesn't know something"
Faster than Pansy could have envisioned, Granger had launched herself forward and grabbed Pansy by her Slytherin tie.
Her heart pounding from her chest, Pansy would be lying if she didn't admit she was a little afraid. The fire in Granger's eyes was both terrifying and arousing
"You — complete — arse — Pansy — Parkinson!" Granger says gripping and twisting Pansy's tie harder with ever well-pronounced word.
Her lips slightly parted, her eyes wide. Pansy's breath quickens. Her brain feels as if it's on fire. Granger is within mere millimetres from her. The air around her thickens making it just that little bit harder to breathe. She could feel the heat of anger permeating from Granger and a shiver trips over her skin. Granger stares at her daring her to say something else, Pansy's pulse races in fiery heat of her look. She equally wants to slap and snog Granger at the same time.
The sudden clicking sounds of distant footsteps at the far end of the corridor accompanied by a deep voice causes Granger to straighten immediately and peer down the hallway as she pushes away from Pansy.
"Quick under the cloak"
"Don't you tell me what to do Granger" says Pansy her body still on fire
"Oh for Merlin's sake, someone is coming" whispers Granger harshly catching Pansy's robe and dragging her beneath the invisibility cloak.
"No-one would question me being here"
"Sshhhh"
"Stop telling me what to do" whispers Pansy firmly
Granger turns to her arching her eyebrow in frustration before staring intensely down the corridor.
They stand shoulder to shoulder, Granger, pressed tightly against her, alighting Pansy's body on fire yet again. Pansy breaths out. There's a wrecking ball of confusion inside her brain.
Pansy feels Granger tense against her, coming down the corridor are Potter and Weasley.
For a secret Slytherin passageway, it doesn't seem so secret with all these Gryffindors around thinks Pansy.
"C'mon Harry. Let's check around here" says Weasley
"I don't think she'll be here," says Potter softly running his hand through his black scruffy hair. "Maybe she's back at the library"
"We've already checked. I'm telling you Harry something is up with Hermione. Not telling us where she's going. Acting different" urges Weasley
"She's just found a new study spot," says Potter. Pansy sensing a tone of uncertainty in his voice.
"If you hadn't left your map in our room, then we would know where she is," says Weasley an edge of annoyance in his tone.
Pansy wonders what map Weasley could be referring to but she doubts very much Granger would tell. her now.
"Harry, what if she's in trouble and needs our help?"
Pansy notices Granger roll her eyes.
"Our help? We're talking about Hermoine Granger right?"
"Yeah"
"The girl who fought Death Eaters in the Ministry of Magic? Or is it the girl who captured Rita Seeker and kept her in a jar or is it the girl who wasn't afraid to look for the basilisk?"
Pansy's brain stutters for a moment as she tries to comprehend what on earth was Potter saying that Granger had done. She turns to her, mouth open in questioning surprise and receives a simple shrug of the shoulders in response.
"Ron, Hermione, has gotten us out of more situations than I can count. She knows we're her friends and if she needs anything we will be there"
There was something in Potter's tone that Pansy couldn't quite put her finger on. It felt like he was talking directly to her but that was impossible given there was no way he would know that she was here.
Granger smiles warmly at Potter, and Pansy's stomach clenches at the thought that Granger may never look at her that way after their argument.
"But-"
"Maybe you mean the girl who worked out how to get past the giant three-head dog-"
"Alright I get it, I get it" pouts Weasley "But something is up with her, you gotta admit that?!"
"C'mon I've still got chocolate frogs leftover from Hogsmeade, let's go," says Potter looking around the corridor "I don't think we should be here."
"Yeah I suppose slimy Snape might see us and take a million house points away for just breathing"
"Yeah, something like that," says Potter running his hands through his hair again. Casting one last look around before ushering Weasley
"Granger!" says Pansy, sounding both stunned and impressed when the boys were out of sight. Ripping the invisibility cloak away from her. "Is all that true? You fought Death Eaters?"
"Maybe"
"What do you mean maybe. You could have been killed!" exclaims Pansy
"And why would you care" snaps Granger
Pansy's shoulder slump in defeat and she lets out a big sigh. She realises that she would care very much if something bad happened to Granger.
Closing her eyes she shakes her slowly "I can't hold you're hand Granger" she admits
"What does that even mean," says Granger gruffly
"Exactly that. Did you not notice Romilda Vane and Ernest Bligh holding hands during the theatre or Herbert Fleet and Heidi Macaboy?"
"What have they got to do with anything," says Granger clearly frustrated " Romilda Vane will hold hands with anyone and a lot more I'm sure. As for Herbert and Heidi, they have been going out since third year and - oh - " Granger pauses for a moment "they are all from the same house" says Granger slowly finally realising what Pansy was trying to say.
"it won't be easy will it" mutters Granger
That moment that she saw that Granger came to the same realisation as her, that moment Granger stood silently looking at her, was the moment her heart broke because she knew Granger would come to the same conclusion as her. End whatever it is they had.
Pansy's heart skips a beat before proceeding to pound against her chest. Her stomach is in a twist waiting for Granger to say something to end this torment.
Granger gnaws at her bottom lip, her big brown eyes looking at Pansy fearfully, before whispering a nervous question "You want to hold my hand?"