Giving Yourself

A Teen Titans Fan Fiction by Jacob McDonald

Standard Disclaimers Apply. I don't own Teen Titans.

Chapter Four

After that first night, Roy seemed to slip into a constant state of slight delirium. He would have bouts of waking lucidity, when he would wince in pain every time he moved as his joints seized up, but those were few and far between.

This went on for a week.

Raven was shocked by how his body was recovering. The worst parts of the withdrawal hadn't even hit yet, and he was still burning the drugs out of his body. He must have been using almost constantly for months.

She'd checked his weight against his last Titan medical exam and had found him to be down almost thirty pounds. Almost all of that was muscle mass. He was weak, and could barely move without her help.

A week after the first night, she had him with her on the couch. He had just come out of another bout of delirium and was semi-lucid, so she was reading to him from one of the books Karen had brought over.

As she finished a chapter, she checked on him, "Roy? Are you still doing okay?"

"Okay is relative for me…" he muttered back.

"I know that. But I can't use pain killers… I already explained that."

"I know… why are you really doing this Raven? Did Karen ask you to? Or Robin?"

"Dick has nothing to do with this, and Karen didn't even know until she got here last week. I told you before, Roy." She lifted a cool cloth from a bowl on the coffee table next to the couch and placed it on his forehead, mopping away the sweat there.

"You'll have to remind me then."

Her eyes softened, and she smiled gently, "I'm doing it because I don't like to see my friends suffer. I care."

"You're being so kind now… you're never like this to anyone."

"You only need me to be mean sometimes. Recovering like you are… I'm pretty much the only Titan qualified to help you through it, and you need kindness more than anything right now."

"I need someone to understand…"

"Then explain." Raven put the book aside, "Tell me why you did it, Roy."

He took a deep breath, then let it out. She knew that hurt him to do, so she wasn't surprised when his body shuddered in pain a little. He turned slightly and looked up at her from where he lay with his head on a pillow in her lap.

"When I did it the first time it was just to try it, you know? There was this cute blonde thing… she wanted to get high and have sex all night, and who was I to deny her that?" he chuckled mirthlessly. "After that, she told me about the orgies. More fun I couldn't pass up. I have no idea what ever happened to her. We lost track of each other months ago."

Raven found her hand stroking his hair. For some reason, she didn't stop.

"By then, even though I'd just used a few times, I found myself craving the stuff. It wasn't hard to track down Luke, and he started selling to me. I got a few back up dealers in case he was ever busted, or I wanted some and I was on the other side of town… it all seemed so logical.

"By the time the rest of the team started to suspect something, I was already so far in to it that it seemed like they were less important than getting high. Heroin was my life. The drugs and the sex and the thrill… like beating the crap out of super powered metas wasn't enough for me."

He reached up and gripped her hand, and she held his tightly. Staring at their intertwined fingers, she wondered at the magnetic feeling they seemed to have. This was new to her, this odd feeling. She'd have to meditate on it later. As he started speaking again, she turned her focus back to him.

"So then… then I stated to organize the parties. There were always people to invite, and as long as we got at least eight we were good. Ollie gives me money, and I hardly ever use it, so I had a fair bit stashed away. When that ran out I stated skimming from different parts of the Titan funds. I'm surprised no one caught it.

"When that got too dangerous to do anymore, I started working deals. For Luke it was protection. Half price if I made sure the Titans never came down on him. He started to get more bold in his dealing after that, and my job got harder. I should have known Karen would catch on. She found him in a few weeks, I guess.'

Raven's thumb stroked the side of his hand in time with her hand stroking his hair, "Why'd you keep it up? You knew it was wrong, and you knew it was dangerous."

"It made me feel alive, Raven. I know the super hero gig isn't all a bed of roses, but all in all, I've had an easy life. Sure my parents died when I was young, and I was raised on a Native American reservation by a guy who thinks bows should still be the world wide weapon of choice, but after that, Ollie took me in. From eleven years old and on, I lived with the worlds biggest playboy. And he's loaded, so that never hurt anything. I grew into a man thinking of women like objects, just like he did…. Karen beat that out of me really quick, but still…"

"You did it to get back at him?"

"Some of it. Some of it was to throw it in the faces of all of you. To show the Titans that we're not perfect. That we… we…" he suddenly curled into a ball and winced, "Oh… God…."

"Roy…" Raven quickly put her hands on his chest and they glowed white. After a moment, he relaxed and looked up at her. Her forehead was crinkled, and her eyes were squeezed tightly shut.

"Raven?"

"I have taken the burden of your pain this time, Roy… just stay with me a little longer and talk. You need to."

"Okay… thank you."

"You're welcome." Their eyes locked, aqua blue on violet, and both of their mouths opened a little.

The TV blinked on, and the equipment above it flashed to life. It doubled as a communications hub when the Titans needed it to, just like the main screens in the Towers.

Raven frowned. She'd been sure to block access to her T-Comp and to the hub from all Titans on the network. No one could call unless they had master override codes, and the only one who had those was-

"Robin." Raven glared as the Boy Wonder appeared on the screen.

"Raven." He didn't sound happy. "Cyborg got back yesterday, and told me that you'd be spending more time out there doing something."

"That's correct."

"It took me until an hour ago to brow beat him into telling me what it is you're doing." Raven's eyes narrowed at the same time Robin's did, "Let me talk to Roy."

"No." she moved off the couch where Roy was facing away from the screen and stepped in front of the camera on top of the TV so that Robin couldn't even see him.

"No?" Robin scowled, "Raven, that wasn't a request. That was an order."

"One that I'm sorry I'll have to disobey."

"Raven-"

"Shut the hell up, Dick." She stepped forward to where she knew he'd only be able to see her face on his screen, "I'm not letting you talk to him so you can scold him and tell him what an idiot he's been. He knows, trust me. He doesn't need you to be harsh with him, and he doesn't need you to tell him to clean up his act. I'm doing fine on my own here, and you're not going to help by butting in and being an ass."

Robin glared hard, "Give me one good reason I shouldn't come over there and drag both of you out and put you in a mental ward."

"Because I'd rip your soul out of your body before you could." Raven's eyes burned red for a moment, then she had control of herself again, "Stay away, Robin. And don't call again."

"Don't you cut this transition Raven, or you're off the team!"

"Then I quit."

Robin looked stunned for a moment, then fell back from where he'd been leaning forward and shouting. He shook his head, "Fine… call me with updates at least."

"No."

"Then consider both of you suspended from the Titans until further notice."

"That's okay. I'm sorry you have to make that call, Dick."

"I am too." Robin looked at her sadly, "I am too. Robin out."

As the screen went blank, Raven used her powers to tear the communication hub out of the wall and slam it into the floor. Satisfied it would never work again, she went back to the couch and sat down behind Roy again, cradling his head in her lap. She took his hand again, and he pressed the side of his face down into the pillow.

"Thank you." He whispered.

Raven just squeezed his hand and placed the cool cloth back on his head.

Later that night, Raven sat up on the couch where she'd been sleeping. Something had dragged her out of her dreams, and she glanced around trying to figure out what it had been.

Even with all the rain they'd been having in Steel City, it was still getting warm as they moved into June. She'd been keeping the windows shut to keep the apartment dry, so it was quite stuffy. She was sleeping with only a thin sheet covering herself, and wearing only her white tank top and her black underwear.

Shaking her head, she tried to focus on what had woken her. She couldn't remember her dream, and it wasn't too hot, and-

A cry snapped her head around towards the bedroom. "Roy." She muttered. His pain must have woken her. She quickly flew up off the couch and to his room, not bothering to pull on her pants. When she got there, she was shocked.

He was thrashing around in the bed, the sheets tangled up with his limbs and preventing him from moving. His face was screwed up in pain, and his eyes rolled about like he was having a seizure.

Acting quickly, she used her powers to remove the sheets. They shredded as she pulled them apart and away from him. She climbed up on the bed and grabbed him, holding him still while she got behind him.

Wrapping her arms around his chest from behind, she held him down to her as she leaned against the headboard. Making sure to keep his head from snapping around too much and hurting his neck, she held him tightly.

"Ra…. Ray… ven…" he stuttered out, "God… kill me…"

"Stay strong Roy." She squeezed him once, "This is the bad part. You make it through this, you can make it the rest of the way."

"Hurts… need some of the stuff… give me."

"No… push past it." Raven found her throat was tight and her eyes were blurry and burning, "Push… past it…"

"Ray… ven…"

"Stay strong…" Raven held him tightly and buried her face in his neck. He was in such pain, and it hurt her to see him like this. What was wrong with her? Why was she suddenly so upset? She'd expected this. She'd known it was coming.

So why did it make her heart feel like it was about to stop?

As her tears mingled with his sweat, Raven's body shook with a single sob. Roy continued to thrash about, and she held him tighter.

"Hold on, Roy. Just keep holding on."