Chapter Eleven:
What Did He Tell You?
Raxet slammed the door to her room behind her violently—so violently it hurt her arm. She didn't care though. It wasn't real pain she was feeling anyway, was it? Or were Nobodies allowed physical sensations still? She tossed her whip and scimitars into the corner of the room, hearing them score on the wall, and not caring one whit. She half-hoped they broke. It would offer some sort of satisfaction. Maybe. Unless satisfaction was an emotion, in which case, never fucking mind, right? She told herself.
She found herself crying loud, wet sobs into her pillow, hugging it to her chest and weeping openly. What was the matter with her?
Simple.
Something…something that boy…that keyblade bearer….had said. How dare he? He…he…she couldn't even form coherent thoughts around her tears. This continued for some time.
She clutched at her pillow, hiding her face in it, her whole body shaking with the force of her sobs. Dammit. She'd managed to sound so sure when she was telling Sora off, but what if he was right? What if she really did have nothing...just the idea of something? Could a memory of an emotion be this painful? If they could, did she want real emotions?
"So…what'd he say?" Raxet nearly fell of the bed with her start. She choked as she tried to compose herself.
"Go away," She muttered. She didn't turn to look at him, but quieted her sobs, letting the tears drip silent. Axel stood there for a moment, before asking quietly again.
"What did Sora say to you?"
"I told you to go away."
"I'm not going away until you tell me why you're crying. Then I'm gonna go kick his ass."
"He's just a little boy."
"He's fifteen—old enough to be responsible for his own actions!"
"Leave him alone, Axel." She sniffed into her pillow. "And leave me alone, too."
"…I still wanna know what he said." Axel took a step closer to the bed.
"…doesn' matter."
"…after I'd just gone to all that trouble to cheer you up," He muttered into her ear, brushing damp hair away from her face.
"I can't be cheered up, because...I'm...not depressed." Now she was hiccuping. "Nobodies...don't HAVE...emotions..."
"Oh. OH. That little prick…" Axel sighed, sitting down on the bed. "Raz…we have feelings. If we didn't have feelings, we wouldn't exist….we'd have no reason for anything at all. It'd be like being dead." He spoke very softly and slowly, as if his own words were meant as much for him, healing him, as they were to help her.
She didn't answer, trying to stop her hiccupping, still sobbing into her pillow, which was very wet by now. Eventually the sobs subsided into a series of shudders and whimpers.
"We have hearts, but not in the same way as Sora and the 'normal' people," Axel continued, leaning closer to her. She could feel his body heat seeping into her, melting her. "We have hearts in other people. People that make us feel like we have hearts—it's just as real as having a heart with you all the time, do you understand?"
Raxet took one last sigh, as if she'd finally reached a state of composure. She sat up, and wiped at her eyes, trying to smooth her complexion before turning around. But when she did, her resolve shattered all over again. She didn't want to grab him, but she needed something, and her body was responding to her need without checking in with her mind, first. She flung her arms around his neck and cried.
Axel bit his lip, closing his eyes. She felt him sigh, and then he wrapped his arms around her, rocking her back and forth.
"S…sorry," She muttered after a while, pulling away from him. He wiped at her eyes with his sleeve. "I…I….sorry…" Her whisper was broken by her shaky breathing.
He studied her for a long, quiet moment.
"Raz?" He asked, his voice a low whisper. She looked up questioningly. He took a deep breath. "You know something?"
"What?" She was leaning into his chest, feeling too weak to even sit up on her own.
"Those people we nobodies have…that make us feel like we have hearts? You're one of mine." He leaned down so he could whisper it in her ear. Then he nipped it, biting gently. She couldn't help it. She had to giggle.
"Don't…" She pushed his face away.
She sighed, closing her eyes. She wasn't sad anymore. She felt…strange. Was that the feeling he spoke of? Feeling like she had a heart? Was this a taste of completion? It was so heavy, this pseudo-heart; it fluttered in her chest, and yet still felt leaden.
She suddenly felt very, very tired.
"Axel?" She lifted her head to speak into his cheek, her lips barely brushing his warm skin. "If we keep this up…we won't need Xemnas or his stupid Kingdom Hearts. Do you think?"
"I don't know, Raz…" He tightened his embrace unconsciously. "I think...I think I hope you're right..."
