Disclaimer: No, I don't own Artemis Fowl. Dare to imagine what I would do if I did...shudders Scary. Luckily Eoin Colfer is a mature, responsible writer who does, in fact, own Artemis Fowl and Associates and probably couldn't ruin the books if he tried.


If This Isn't Love

Chapter Two: Girl Stuff

Unfortunately, when Foaly came up with this little plan, he forgot to factor in one rather important fact – that Equette was every bit as clever as him, but she wasn't suffering from inventors block.

Equette started churning out inventions and Foaly started practically inhaling carrots. It was a habit he had picked up in university – he ate when he was nervous or bored. And at that moment he was both. Within a week, Root's office was stacked hip high with inventions awaiting approval. Because although Equette was doing an impeccable job at designing and constructing her inventions, making sure that Root actually understood what they did was a challenge that no amount of study had prepared her for. There was, therefore, a significant backlog of approvals to be made.

Very soon, although Equette was nowhere near out of ideas, the R&D Department was out of building materials and computer space, Root was out of patience and Foaly was nearly out of carrots. Not to mention bloated and in intense pain from the number and speed at which he had eaten his entire emergency stock.

Watching Equette working on a design document that was only functioning in the last, final bit of file space left in the hard drive, Foaly made a mental note to increase the size and storage capacity of the LEP network. That was something he COULD do. So there. He wasn't totally useless.

He would have done it immediately but someone was using the mainframe. In an attempt to give a hint without actually talking to Equette, Foaly shifted his hooves in annoyance and gave an irritated sigh. Feeling a touch melodramatic, he gave a frustrated growl and then sighed again. Finally, he flopped into his favourite chair, slapped a keyboard, and swore under his breath in French. TheFrench had such an comprehensive vocabulary of swear words…

'D'arvit, Foaly, would you be quiet! I'm trying to work.' Equette scowled at him in annoyance. This was obviously the effect that Foaly had been aiming for, but it strangely didn't bring him any satisfaction.

Actually, on reflection, there hadn't been much at all bringing him satisfaction lately. Even incensing Root had lost its humour value. And now that he thought about it, he hadn't been getting any amusement from anything for around a week. Not since Equette turned up. He supposed he might be a touch depressed due to this whole replacement thing. The time frame fit, and the feeling seemed to surge whenever Equette was around.

Foaly scowled. What had Root been thinking, hiring her? His face still screwed up, Foaly opened the door of the Operations Booth – HIS Operations Booth – and went to find some more carrots.

Sitting in a corner of Spud's Spud Emporium, Captain Holly Short of the LEPrecon unit stared at the rubbery looking burger in front of her and tried to decide whether to risk eating it. She already felt slightly nauseous from the small fries and milkshake that she had just finished. She had no doubt that eating the burger would result in some kind of chronic food poisoning on a scale even magic couldn't prevent, but on the other hand, if she spent the rest of the afternoon projectile vomiting, odds were that Root would send her home. And that would mean that she wouldn't have to spend the rest of the afternoon pretending to listen to Foaly sulking about Equette.

Holly was still gazing contemplatively at the burger when Trouble slid into the tacky, bright green seat opposite her.

'Hey Short,' he grinned. 'Whatcha doing?' Holly looked up in surprise.

'Wha…? When did you…?'

Trouble laughed. 'That kinda day, huh? I said, what are you doing?'

'Oh,' Holly stared glumly back at the burger. 'Trying to decide whether to give myself food poisoning,' she admitted eventually.

'Well, you've certainly come to the right place for that,' Trouble agreed. 'Any particular reason you're considering bringing up the entire contents of your stomach?'

Holly looked up at Trouble. He was an LEP officer – he'd understand.

'I just…well, I guess I'm bored. For the last month I've just come to work every day and supposedly done paperwork.' Holly attempted a smile. 'Truth is, I was out of paperwork three weeks ago. Now I'm reduced to playing with Mud Man toys. A d'arvited Rubik's Cube!'

Trouble looked around the Emporium anxiously. At Holly's last – rather loud – comment, the whole place had gone silent, and several mothers were glaring at the pair of officers while they covered their children's ears.

Lowering her voice, Holly continued 'You know what, Trouble? This isn't why I joined the LEP! I wanted fun and adventure, not mountains of paperwork.'

Trouble considered for a moment. 'Well…' he paused. 'if the LEP isn't always exciting…Have you thought about maybe a different kind of adventure?'

'Like what?'

Trouble gulped. He couldn't believe he was going to say this. Holly obviously wasn't in the mood for cryptic suggestions. She was definitely grumpy. And as Trouble knew, a grumpy Holly normally meant physical harm for whoever was irritating her. Or surprising her.

'I was just wondering if…you'd ever maybe…think about…thought about…you know…'

Holly scowled. Trouble gulped again. Time to change tactics.

'Maybe you could try dating? I mean, when was the last time you went on a date?'

Holly shrugged. 'I don't normally have time for dating.'

'Exactly!' cried Trouble. He said it a little loud, mostly due to the fact that he was so relieved to still be conscious. People started to stare again. 'You have time now! Who knows when you'll next get the chance to look around for a nice man…a nice person…'

Great, he was just digging the hole deeper. It took almost all his self-control to prevent himself slapping his own forehead in a classic cartoon gesture.

Holly, meanwhile, was looking thoughtful. It was a good idea. Sort of. Not the dating bit, that was ridiculous. But it was true about the free time. This might be her only chance for a little social activity outside of work. There were only so many things that a girl could talk about to guys. After that you get to either awkward issues for everyone, or uninteresting topics for guys. Generally these topics weren't that interesting for Holly either, but every girl needs girl talk occasionally.

But who? Holly racked her brains. There was the only other girl in Recon – Lili Frond, but privately Holly doubted that Lili could actually carry a conversation without collapsing from the strain on her brain.

Trouble interrupted her train of thought with an abrupt cough. 'Look Holly, I have to get back. Somebody left a pile of carrot peelings in the middle of a hallway and Grub fell over. He wont shut up about it, so I need to keep threatening to tell mummy.' Trouble rolled his eyes. 'I was just supposed to tell you from Foaly that he wants to see you.'

Holly groaned, and examined her burger with renewed interest. Food poisoning was getting more and more tempting. Trouble regarded Holly with sympathy. 'I think I understand about the food poisoning now. I only just managed to get away before Foaly went into full rant mode. Do you want me to tell the commander you're sick?'

Holly raised the burger to her lips and opened her mouth in anticipation. She shut her eyes – nobody could eat these burgers while looking at them – and took a bite. She chewed for a few seconds, then picked up her napkin and coughed the bite she had taken back into it. Retching from the aftertaste, Holly shuddered. She looked up to see Trouble shaking with laughter.

'Shut up, Kelp.' She mumbled. 'But tell Foaly I'll be there in a minute.'

At this comment Trouble laughed, if possible, even harder. This didn't improve the mood that Holly was in one bit. It was a mood Trouble really didn't want to aggravate. Not that he was paying attention to the common sense part of his brain at that moment.Scowling, Holly picked up her burger and shoved it into Trouble's mouth. Taken by surprise, Trouble promptly took a huge bite and swallow. The texture alone was so disgusting that he then couldn't help vomiting. Holly grimaced and shoved her empty milkshake container in front of his face.

Laughing as hard as Trouble had been a moment before, Holly slapped Trouble on the back to help him cough up the greater part of the burger.

'Sorry, Trub,' she cackled. 'You asked for it.'

Standing up straight again, Trouble glared at her for a moment, then grinned. 'I guess I did. But still, I'll get you back someday.'

'Ooh, was that a threat, Captain Kelp?' asked Holly, mock-dramatic.

'Oh no, not a threat,' said Trouble mildly, playing along. 'That was a promise.'

Before Holly could reply, Trouble turned on his heel and marched purposefully out of the room.

As he walked out the double doors of the Emporium, a centaur walked in. For about a millisecond, Holly thought it must be Foaly coming to find her, and accordingly ducked her head and slumped in her chair, anxious to avoid his sulks for as long as she could.

She was checking from under her eyelashes to see if he had spotted her when she realised that this centaur was a light blonde colour, and not only that, she was definitely female. And as girly as Foaly could be sometimes, there was no way that this could be him. So this must be Equette, the 'partner' Foaly had been in such a huff about all week. Holly watched her with interest. Equette took a seat by the front windows and read through the menu idly. She didn't LOOK self-absorbed or conceited, but then neither did Foaly at first glance. You couldn't really tell just by looking.

Equette began scanning the room, which was currently about ninety percent LEP officers on lunch break. The other ten percent were families with small children, and the occasional group of gothic-looking teenagers with excessive amounts of eye makeup. Eventually the centaur's gaze settled on Holly. Holly lowered her head and pretended to be staring at something riveting on the table. The rivets, for example, were absolutely fascinating…

She was concentrating so hard on concentrating that she didn't notice Equette was beside her table until she started to talk.

'Can I sit here?'

Holly looked up and nodded, more out of surprise than anything.

'I'm Equette,' the centaur introduced herself, holding out her hand. Holly shook it.

'I'm Holly,' she muttered. Equette smiled.

'I know. The only girl in the LEP on active duty. Also Foaly's best friend.'

Holly laughed. 'Possibly his only friend. Although he isn't really so bad, if you get to know him. But I'm betting you haven't exactly seen the nicest side of his personality.'

Equette grimaced. 'You could say that.' She said, her tone dry. 'I thought it was a sexism thing to start with, until I found out about you. I guess he's just competitive.'

Holly rolled her eyes. 'Competitive, sure. Also conceited, arrogant and immature. Brilliant though.' Holly paused and grinned. 'Just don't tell him I said that.'

'Me? Unlikely.' Equette snorted. 'He won't talk to me, or listen. All he does is sit there all day and eat carrots as noisily as he can.'

'He's probably trying to drive you insane so you'll quit.' Holly said. It sounded like something Foaly would do.

'Well, if that's true, its working. I've never met a more obnoxious person in my life.'

Holly nodded. Foaly was definitely obnoxious. Nobody could argue about that. Of course, Foaly had tried, several times, but each time the argument ended with a LEP-wide census that had unanimous results, causing Foaly to invariably lock himself in the Operations Booth until Root threatened to cut his budget if he didn't get out right NOW.

Holly grinned at the memory. Then she had an idea.

'Hey, Equette, would you like to come over today? We can have a sleepover. We'll watch some Mud Man DVD's and stuff. You know, girl stuff.' Holly grinned. She was fairly sure that about half of the LEP officers she knew would fall off their chairs if they realised that Holly Short even knew what girl stuff was. There were men in the LEP who were girlier than her. Grub, for example.

Equette looked thrilled at the invitation. 'Absolutely! I'll give you a makeover! No offence, Holly, but you could probably afford to put a little more time into your appearance.'

Holly might have been offended, but she knew it was true. Although she didn't go the extra fifty miles that Lili went to look good, it really helped a girl's self-esteem to feel good about her reflection in the morning.

'Okay. I'll see you around six?'

Equette nodded. 'Sure.'

'Okay. Hang on a sec…' Holly grabbed a napkin from the dispenser on the table and scribbled down her address. She held it out to Equette. 'Here. I'll see you later. I'm kinda extending my lunch break here…' Holly shrugged sheepishly.

Equette took the napkin and waved a Holly's quickly retreating back. Not bad, really. She'd only been working here a week and she already had a new potential friend. It wasn't bad, considering.


Okay, fun chapter...kind of. Kind of long, actually. Compared to my other story, anyway.

Oh, and I hate to sound spoiled/immature/lazy/cranky, but I'm not going to bother to keep writing this if I don't know people are reading it. And the best way to let me know you're reading it is to...REVIEW!

Please?

Thankyou to Brizo and Crystalocean for reviewing last chapter. You guys rock.