Disclaimer: How much do you suppose I would have to pay to own Artemis Fowl?

Probably more than I've got. Therefore I don't own it.


If This Isn't Love

Chapter Nine: Cupid's Intervention

In a few minutes, Artemis and Holly arrived at the viewing room. Butler and Juliet were already there, as were Trouble and Foaly. All three humans should have been nursing headaches, but typically of Juliet and Butler, neither of them gave any indication of pain.

Trouble was in the middle of an arm wrestle with Juliet, who despite her larger size seemed to be having some difficulty winning. Their hands were clasped so tightly around each other their knuckles were white. Artemis shuddered to think of the damage such unruly behaviour would cause to his hands. They were not made to be snatched or squeezed. They were made for…holding a paintbrush, and playing the piano.

Foaly appeared to be sulking about something, and the reason soon became apparent. There was a centaur behind him that Artemis had never seen before. She smiled as he walked in, a look that Artemis returned with a cold, still gaze. The smile faded for a moment, then lit up again as Holly walked in.

'Holly! How are you? Recovered from last night yet?'

Holly rolled her eyes. 'Equette. I'm not talking to you.'

Equette looked upset. 'Why not?'

'Because it's your fault I came to work this morning with mascara smudged half-way down my cheeks.' Holly scowled, feeling her cheeks grow hot at the memory.

Equette giggled. 'Oh, Holly! You didn't!'

Holly just glared at her.

'You know, you really should check your reflection for things like that before you go out in the morning.' Juliet had looked up from her arm wrestle. Trouble took the opportunity to force her arm to the table. Juliet took that opportunity to tip his chair over with her foot. Trouble tumbled to the ground while Juliet stood up and joined Equette and Holly. Holly was making her excuse. 'I was in a hurry. Thanks to Equette I was an hour late for work.'

Juliet turned to Equette. 'Defence?' she asked.

'We were at a sleepover. She wanted to go to bed at ten o'clock.'

Juliet looked outraged. She turned to Holly with an incredulous expression on her face.

'Defence?'

Holly shrugged. 'I had work?' she tried pathetically.

Foaly chose that particular moment to interrupt, leaning over and whispering in Holly's ear. 'Holly, could I have a word? Outside?'

Holly turned around, noticing Foaly there for the first time. 'Outside? Sure.' Leaving Equette and Juliet, who were suddenly arguing about the advantages of glitter mascara, she followed Foaly into the hall.

'What's going on here? Why are you talking to the supplanter?'

Holly looked at him in surprise. 'Who, Equette? She's not so bad, Foaly. You should try talking to her instead of just hating her.'

'I do not hate her! I just think she's useless!'

Holly snorted. 'Yeah, useless enough to make inventions faster than you.'

Foaly sulked, adjusting his tinfoil hat to buy time. He eventually muttered something about inventors block that Holly didn't even try to understand.

'Don't make excuses, centaur. She's every bit as good as you and you know it.'

Foaly didn't dignify that with a response. Having had enough, he stomped back into the viewing room in the worst mood he'd been in all week. Which was saying something, when you think about it. Especially as Julius was out of commission.


Foaly clopped back into the room, closely followed by Holly,and immediately played the surveillance tapes of the...er...incidents. First he showed Lili's attack on Grub, then the incident in Root's office, complete with recorded PA announcement.

Juliet watched the video with a vague expression of disgust on her face, while Butler smiled mistily the whole time. Artemis watched with interest. When the video of Root and Vinyáya froze, there was silence. Artemis turned to Holly.

'Am I to assume that this is not normal behaviour?'

Holly cuffed him open-handed of the side of the head. 'Good guess, genius.'

Artemis scowled and rubbed his head. 'Violence is not the way, Holly,' he said, smirking.

Butler looked confused. 'What's the problem here, anyway? They're just in love. Its romantic.'

Artemis shook his head. 'I think I know the problem.' He tapped the screen with a slim, tapered finger. 'Its Cupid.'

Butler smiled and nodded contentedly. 'Yes, young love. So romantic.'

'No,' Artemis frowned. 'Not love. Cupid.'

'There's a difference?'

'Certainly there is a difference. What you see here – ' he pointed at the screen ' – is an escalation of love. These are relationships that probably wouldn't exist without intervention. In this case, Cupid's intervention.'

Artemis gazed around at all the people gathered, trying to impress upon them the significance of what he'd just told them. Six blank faces stared back at him. One of them silently mouthed the word 'what?' Artemis sighed.

'All right… Do we agree that love is a very strong emotion, usually characterised by hugging, kissing, and feelings for another person? Or oneself, I suppose.'

Six heads nodded mutely. Artemis continued. 'Well, it makes sense to extrapolate that while you can love someone, that doesn't necessarily make you in love with them. Do we agree?'

No answer. Artemis took it for agreement.

'Okay. Well what you have here is people in love, but they shouldn't be. Or perhaps they should – that's a question of fate and destiny, I suppose, which is really all academic. That's not our focus. Our focus is this distortion – ' Artemis pointed at the screen ' – between love, and being in love.'

The faces were blank again. Butler spoke for all of them.

'Artemis…'

Artemis sighed. 'Would you like the easy version?'

Rapid nods.

'Cupid is here, in LEP headquarters, and he is shooting people. He's basically making them fall in love.' The babble of conversation following this declaration almost overpowered Artemis, but he held up a hand.

'Listen, please. There is obviously a reason that he is here. I doubt that Cupid simply flies around and picks targets at random. I think that perhaps…there may be some sort of emotional imbalance here – the emotion being love.'

Holly shook her head. It couldn't be…

Foaly shook his head. 'It can't be!'

Artemis gazed at the centaur implacably. 'And why not?'

'Because,' Foaly began in a condescending voice, 'somebody would have noticed a little man flying around the LEP with a crossbow. Me, for one. Even if he shielded, my cameras could pick him up.'

Artemis nodded. 'Perhaps. But you must consider – Cupid has a highly unique job. It seems likely that he would possess highly unique talents to assist him. Perhaps even a stronger shield than most fairies, making your cameras obsolete.'

Foaly pouted. His self-esteem had already taken quite a beating, without a Mud Boy insulting his inventions.

'In addition,' Artemis continued, mindless of Foaly's mood, 'I sincerely doubt that Cupid looks that much different to most elves or sprites. For all that he is a love fairy, he is still simply a fairy.'

'He's right.' Holly took this as her cue to join the conversation.

'Of course I am,' Artemis smiled.

'Cupid looks like an ordinary fairy. Actually, he a looks a bit like me.'

'Like you?' Trouble raised an eyebrow. 'How do you know?'

Holly shrugged. 'He's my great-grandfather. My father's mother's father. But don't think that it'll carry any weight. I haven't even spoken to him since I was twenty. He probably wouldn't even recognise me.'

'Right.' Trouble absorbed these facts in the same way that he did everything else: without understanding why, but calculating exactly what the consequences could be. He turned to Artemis. 'So what do we do?'

Artemis shrugged. 'I don't know.'

'What do you mean, you don't know?'

Artemis gazed calmly at Trouble's inflamed face. The Captain seemed to be borrowing a page from Root's book.

'I haven't had time to formulate a solution.'

Trouble rolled his eyes. 'That's just great, Mud Boy. You've got nothing at all to offer?'

Artemis made a noncommittal movement. 'The only thing I would advise, Captain, is extreme caution. There is an inherent risk that Cupid may shoot any of us.'

Trouble nodded his unwilling understanding, andstomped out ofthe room. He considered announcing the danger to the LEP, but there was really nothing to warn them about. How do you tell people to watch out for something that they can't see?

Butler and Juliet were led out of the room by Foaly and Equette, presumably to be prepped for some sort of security job. Even Cupid might think twice about taking on somebody the size of Butler. As for Juliet…well, she was like an iceberg – eighty percent of what she could offer was under a glittery, ditzy surface. And Juliet had learned time and time again that underestimation could be her greatest strength. This Cupid sleaze would be begging to undo the damage he'd caused once she got through with him. That was, if she could find him.

Holly stood, stretched, and prepared to leave. She had a Rubik's cube to puzzle over. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing they could do about this Cupid thing. He'd leave when he was done, and not before.

'Holly,' Artemis touched her arm gently. Holly looked up in surprise. For a moment she caught his eyes and she could have sworn she saw fearin them. But a nanosecond later it was gone, replaced by the characteristic coldness.

'Holly, I really think you should be careful. There's only you and Juliet for girls left in the LEP now, everyone else is male. Think about it…'

Holly grinned toothily. 'Don't worry, Fowl. I can handle a little male attention.' She drew her gun matter-of-factly. Artemis gulped.

'Yes…I'm sure you can…' following the gun with his eyes, Artemis decided it would be wise to shut up just then.

'Gee Artemis. You weren't worried about me, were you?'

Artemis swallowed again. 'No… I merely feel some concern for your workmates. If, for some reason, they happened to – if, that is to say – if they, perhaps…'

'Came onto me?' Holly supplied dryly.

Artemis nodded. 'Uh, yes. If such a thing were to happen, I wouldn't wish for any of them to beshot –'

Holly's eyes narrowed. 'Just thinking about my workmates, are you? Thanks a lot, Artemis.'Holstering her gun, she stalked out of the room. She was halfway down the hallway when Artemis called out to her.

'Holly! Look, I didn't mean t–'

Holly spun around, glaring at him. Artemis sighed.

'Be careful.'

Hewatched her walk away, his brain wondering why it was that he was so afraid to see what Cupid could do to her love life.


Yay, another chapter done. This means I can finally focus totally on my Chemistry revision. Doesn't that sound like infinitely more amounts of fun than writing fanfiction?

No, it doesn't sound like that to me either.

I just realised I've stopped responding to reviews. Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry! I kept forgetting...oh well. Thanks for reviewing, everyone!

And and to explain what happened in the last chapter - Butler, Artemis and Juliet all had Seeker-sleepers, and that's how Holly knocked them out. Sorry, I should have made that clearer...