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If This Isn't Love

Chapter Ten: Scheming


Cupid was scheming. Not something that he did often, but he had an inherent talent for it. Some people simply revel in exploiting any and all situations for personal gain. Artemis Fowl was one of these people, as were most of the Fowls to date. Believe it or not, Cupid was another. Not that he thought of it quite like that. He preferred the term 'opportunist' to 'exploiter.' And anyway, in this case, it wasn't so much his personal gain as his personal amusement. He wasn't after money, or love – I mean, he was the love fairy – he wasn't out to extort anyone. He just wanted something that he could look back on when he was sitting at home bored, and be able to laugh.

His scheming went something along the lines of figuring out a way that he could make all hell break loose at LEP headquarters. If the way was legal, that was a bonus, but Cupid actually wasn't much concerned with the law. He was only concerned with achieving his immediate goal. His goal, of course, being to get every officer in the LEP professing their sincere love to those who they happened to sincerely love.

Of course, legally Cupid really shouldn't just shoot any old person. Legally, there should be some sort of reason, generally a good one, to shoot somebody. Legally, Cupid had to fill out all kinds of paperwork before he could even go near someone with his arrows.

Nowadays people tended to complain when Cupid chose to interfere with what he thought of as their pathetic love lives. They thought it was an invasion of privacy. So if there was any interfering to be done, it needed to be backed up by weeks of paperwork, complex records and some solid reasons for his actions. Just in case of an enquiry.

But, as Cupid had to explain time and time again, he couldn't help it. It was his job. By some inexplicable quirk of fate or destiny, he was linked to every person on the planet who knew how to love. And they thought they were annoyed when he spiced up their personal lives…they should try sitting at home and feeling the guilt of every adulterer, every bride- and groom-to-be, every bloody teenager with hormones running wild who were trying to decide whether to ask Cindy Crawford to the Formal…

So, all in all, Cupid felt that he deserved a little fun. Getting caught didn't worry him unduly. This was partly because even though he would be bending the rules slightly, it was all for a legitimate reason and therefore perfectly - if not technically - legal, and also because the Council was always on his side in matters like these. Not that they had a choice. Not unless they wanted their crush in the evening edition of the Haven Herald. It might have been morally unsound, stooping to blackmail like that, but it was effective. And it was one of the only advantages to being a love fairy.

Although he supposed Vinyáya was out for the count in terms of blackmail material now, her secret love having been rather embarrassingly revealed…but there were still six members of the Council left, and they could easily overrule any objections Vinyáya might have had. If she'd been in any condition to make objections. Which, she wasn't.

Having figured out his defence, Cupid chuckled quietly to himself and took to the air again. It was time to shoot some fairy behind.


Holly walked into the main office area of the LEPrecon Department to see a sight that she'd never before seen. They were using hand-held communicators. Nothing particularly unusual about that, unless you count vague surprise that the Recon jocks actually possessed the brain power to make the communicators work. But they were all using the communicators. Every single one of them. Holly stared. Was this some kind of joke? There were babbling conversations erupting from every corner of the office, as though there were some kind of emergency. But what kind of emergency would require every single officer talking into separate communicators?

As Holly made her way towards her cubicle, she could have sworn she heard the words 'I love you' repeated at least a dozen times. But that wasn't possible. Personal calls were forbidden from the LEP.

That was when Holly felt it. A sharp pain between her shoulder blades, reminiscent of the time she'd accidentally backed into a particularly sharp wall hook during her basic training. But unlike the hook, this pain vanished in only a few seconds. Holly reached over her shoulder and ran a hand over her back. Nothing there. That was odd. She could have sworn she felt something impact with her back…

Holly blanched as she slowly realised what had happened. Cupid. He was here. And he'd shot her.

Taking a deep breath, Holly tried to calm down. But she knew it was useless. Cupid never failed, Cupid never missed. The entire LEP was about to find out precisely who Holly Short was in love with. And the truth was, Holly Short was about to find out too.

She hadn't been entirely honest with Equette. No, that wasn't true. She had simply…excluded certain facts. Holly thought back to what she'd said the night before. It already felt like weeks ago.

'I know him from work, and a relationship would definitely be forbidden…'

The truth was, there were two men in Holly's life fitting this description, and she thought she might like both of them as more than friends. But she obviously could only really LOVE one of them. And she was about to find out which one it was.

Juliet was spinning idly from side to side in a standard-issue LEP office chair – designed to be uncomfortable, cheap, and tacky. She was waiting inside a secretary's cubicle – void of its usual occupant – hoping to catch a glimpse of a telltale shimmer in the air somewhere. It was a waste of time, as far as Juliet was concerned. Cupid hadn't hurt anyone, and if what she understood from Artemis' little lecture was true, even the fairies couldn't see Cupid. And if the fairy people were helpless when it came to sight, what chance did an eighteen-year-old girl have?

Butler was standing a few metres up the main hallway, stationed just inside the doors that led to Police Plaza. Foaly had decided that allowing the public to get a glimpse of the giant Mud Man would be bad idea, So there was absolutely no going outside. But from his position, Butler could ensure that Cupid remained inside the Headquarters. At least while he was contained there was a chance that Cupid could be detained for questioning. If he got out into Haven…well, there was nothing anyone could do. Not Artemis, not Butler, not even the LEP.

Tired of spinning and bored with looking for something she wouldn't be able to see if it danced in front of her, Juliet stood and left her cubicle. She was in the middle of the fifteen-metre walk to visit Butler and see how he was doing, when she felt it. A sharp, intense pain in her left forearm. It vanished quickly, but Juliet knew what had happened. Figuring she had maybe ten seconds before extreme amounts of endorphins flooded her system, Juliet did the only thing she could.

Butler looked up to see his little sister sprinting up the hallway towards him.

'Butler, I need you to restrain me.'

'What?'

Butler had seen and heard all kinds of insane things in his life, but those words coming out of his sister's mouth had to make it onto the top five. Up along with Artemis announcing that fairies existed, and the sight of Mulch Diggums disappearing into the desecrated floor of the wine cellar at Fowl Manor.

'Right now,' Juliet looked insistent. 'And whatever I do or say, don't you dare let me free.'

Butler hesitated. Bad idea. Juliet may have learned everything from him, but she wasn't technically fifty years old, and she had creativity on her side.

'Listen Dom. If you don't tie me up right now, I swear when this is over I will throw you into the foulest river system I can find. You know I'll do it.'

Butler stared straight into his sister's stony expression.

'What happened?' he asked.

'He shot me.' Juliet stated simply. That was all Butler needed to hear. He understood Juliet's need for independence. Coming onto a guy – any guy – was a situation that would be totally humiliating for her.

In the end, he didn't need to do any tying. Not that he had any rope anyway. He simply picked her up, carried her to the cubicle she was supposed to be guarding from, and left her there. On the way out he locked the door, first making sure there was no way of unlocking it from the inside. Even as he slammed and locked the door he could hear Juliet yelling some sort of name. Unfortunately, her being on the other side of a steel-reinforced door meant that he couldn't understand the word.

Butler looked around, a deadly look in his eyes. If Artemis had been there, he might have recognised the look. It was the same look that Butler had given him after he had tranquillised himself, Butler and Juliet. It was a look that plainly warned doom upon the person who had harmed his baby sister. In this case, Cupid.

It was at this point that Cupid was marking Butler as his next vi- er, target. But as he was about to release the arrow into Butler's back, the bodyguard turned around, and his merciless eyes seemed to stare right through the fairy. Even though Cupid knew the Mud Man couldn't see him, he still shivered. He decided – very quickly – that shooting this particular person was unnecessary. An image of yourself broken into several pieces can have that effect.


I'm sorrysorrysorry! I know this took ages, and I don't have an excuse that doesn't sound totally lame. Please forgive me, I'll try to do better. Review?