Disclaimer: I have a dream that one day I will rise up and claim Artemis Fowl as mine. Until then, it is owned completely by Eoin Colfer. Who, obviously, isn't me. And I don't own the beginning of the disclaimer either. That belongs to Martin Luther King.


If This Isn't Love

Chapter Eleven: Complications

Artemis had requested the use of one of Foaly's computers in order to conduct some research into Cupid's motives and possibly his weaknesses, but the request had been declined. Foaly had muttered something about the amount of space left on the network hard drive, and then handed Artemis his own wafer-thin portable laptop. Artemis didn't even bother to ask where they had found it.

His fingers were flying over the keyboard at an incredible speed as he compiled a list of every fact that he had gathered about the love fairy. He was up to the eighth page of notes when he sensed, as much as heard, somebody enter his cubicle. He was working in the deserted space of a traffic gnome who had called in sick. Artemis didn't bother to stop typing as he swung his chair around sideways to check the identity of his visitor.

'Hi Holly.' Artemis greeted the fairy, and then swung back towards the screen.

'Hi.' Said Holly uncertainly. She sat hesitantly on the chair next to the Mud Boy. Artemis was still typing. After several moments of rather awkward silence broken only by Artemis' soft tapping at the keyboard, Holly spoke.

'How are you?'

Artemis raised an eyebrow. 'Absolutely dandy. You?'

Holly might have smiled a little, or it might have been Artemis' imagination. 'I'm fine. I was just wondering…' she stopped.

'Wondering what?'

'What you would do…'

For the first time, Artemis halted his typing, giving Holly his full attention. 'Please, think about what you wish to say and say it, Holly.'

'I was wondering what you'd do…if I did this.' Holly leaned forward and kissed Artemis full on the lips. When she pulled back, Artemis didn't move. To tell the truth, he didn't think he could move. His brain seemed to be stuck, and the fact that Holly was staring at him didn't help.

'I – I –'

'Think about what you want to say and say it, Artemis.'

'I…don't know…'

Holly looked uncertainly at her lap. 'Or don't say anything.'

Artemis nodded, and then after a split second of indecision, he leaned forward and kissed Holly back.

Holly was taken by surprise, but once she got over the fact that this was exactly what she had hoped would happen, she started to enjoy it. Wrapping her arms around neck, she hugged him closely.

After a while, she broke the kiss. 'Are you sure you don't want to say anything?' she asked teasingly.

Artemis looked thoughtful. 'Not right now.' He said finally. Holly nodded, and resumed the kiss.

'Holly?'

Holly looked up, and immediately felt waves of guilt wash over her. None other than Trouble Kelp was standing in the door of the cubicle, his face looking like it couldn't figure out how to arrange itself.

'Trouble, I –'

'That's Commander Kelp to you.' Trouble growled. His face had finally settled, and the look on it left Holly feeling scared, an uncomfortable emotion to associate with your closest friend.

'Don't be stupid, Trouble. I know how this looks, but I can explain.'

'Can you?' Trouble looked even angrier for a moment, then hopeful, then doubtful.

Holly's mind was reeling. How was she going to explain this? 'It was…uh…'

'It was my fault, Captain.' Artemis stood decisively, in the process of neatening his slightly tousled hair and clothes.

'Your fault, Mud Boy?'

'Indeed.' Apart from his rather flushed face, and the fact that he was slightly out of breath, Artemis could have been addressing a student at some sort of lecture. 'I'm afraid I rather took advantage of Captain Short. Believe me, I regret it. It won't happen again.'

Holly felt like she had been slapped. She maintained her composure, but it was a close thing.

Trouble was scrutinising Artemis closely, trying to detect a hint of the lie. 'All right,' He muttered finally. 'I think I can turn a blind eye to this. But if I see you within one hundred metres of Hol – er, Captain Short again, you wont be so lucky.'

Artemis inclined his head graciously to Trouble. Holly was not so calm. Not trusting herself to speak, she stalked out of the room without looking at either of them.

Trouble turned and watched her leave, making a mental note to find out what was wrong with her.

'Okay Mud Boy, Foaly wants you in the Operations Booth immediately.'

Artemis wasn't listening. He was too busy thinking about what had just happened with Holly. He knew what he'd said had upset her, but he had a plan to remedy it.

'I'm sorry, what was that?'

'Foaly wants you in Operations.'

Artemis nodded. 'Very well.' Foaly was just the centaur Artemis needed to see.


Foaly was doing his best to ignore Equette. Whilst at the same time failing miserably. It was difficult to ignore someone when every time he looked at his computer he was reminded of her.

When Foaly had come back from giving Butler his surveillance instructions he had found Equette had already finished with Juliet, and was typing busily in HIS chair.

'What are you DOING?' he cried, outraged.

'Oh, you're talking to me now, are you?'

'Not talking, yelling. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?'

'Nothing. Anymore.' Said Equette. She stopped typing, pressed a single key decisively, and turned Foaly's chair around to face him.

'The network harddrive was out of space, did you know? I fixed it for you.'

'You what?'

'I. Fixed. It. For. You.'

Foaly rolled his eyes. 'I heard what you said. How did you do it?'

'Oh, it was easy. I can show you, if you like. I was wondering why it was so full. You should have said something, if you can't even increase the size of a hard drive.'

Foaly almost exploded right then. Instead he pointed at Equette as calmly as he could, and took a deep breath. 'Get out of my chair.' he ordered, his voice dangerously quiet.

'Oh! Er…yes. All right. Sorry.' Equette jumped up, as though embarrassed by something.

Foaly grabbed the chair and sat down in it huffily.

'So…does this mean you'll talk to me now?' Equette asked cautiously, standing awkwardly behind Foaly's left shoulder.

'No.' said Foaly shortly. Deciding it was time to do some real work, he pressed the intercom button for the connection to Trouble's office.

'Trouble, get me Artemis.'

When he turned back around from giving this message, it was to see the door of Ops sliding shut, and Equette walking stiffly away.

Good riddance, he thought victoriously. But the happiness was tinged with the guilt of seeing Equette's face fall when he had snapped at her. Foaly pushed the feeling aside. The supplanter had tried to turn the Commander and one of his only friends against him. If he could get a little revenge by making her life difficult, it wasn't even close to what she deserved.


Slightly less than two minutes after Foaly had ordered Trouble to find Artemis, the Mud Boy was knocking on the outside of the Operations Booth door. Foaly released the lock. Artemis entered, looking slightly flustered and finger-combing his hair.

'What happened to you?' Foaly asked, only half-interested.

'It's nothing. A small misunderstanding.' Artemis brushed the question away. That was what piqued Foaly's interest.

'Oh come on, you think I'm going to buy that?'

Artemis scowled, looking rather irked. 'I trust you didn't call me in here to discuss my personal life?'

Foaly smirked. 'No, I didn't. But I thought I'd ask. You know I'll find out anyway.' He pointed at his surveillance wall. Artemis blanched.

'Very well. I'll tell you, but only if you agree to help me.'

'Help you with what?

Artemis shook his head. 'You must agree first.'

Foaly considered for a moment. How bad could it be? Although you never knew with Artemis. And it would be easy to find out what had happened anyway, just by rewinding two minutes of tape.

'Okay, I agree.' Foaly punched a button on his computer to record their conversation. 'Spill.'

'I must warn you, what you agree to do may not be legal. In fact, it may break some of your oldest laws.'

Foaly hesitated for a split second. But Artemis' confession that it could be illegal just made him all the more eager to know what the Mud Boy had in mind.

'Okay, Mud Boy. But if I get busted for this, I swear I'll have you mind-wiped and dumped in the middle of Antarctica.'

'Very well.' Artemis knew the threat wasn't idle, but he was willing to risk it. 'You aren't going to like this, Foaly.'

'Yeah, yeah, just spit it out, Mud Boy.'

'All right. But remember, I warned you.' Artemis sighed. 'This is what I need you to do…'


You know, this is getting kinda melodramatic, isn't it? Sorry, I didn't realise, but hopefully its building tension as well?

Ooh, I know – you can review and tell me!