Disclaimer: Gotta love these disclaimers, don't you? So just so we all know extra-extra-extra well, I do not own Artemis Fowl.


If This Isn't Love

Chapter Twelve: Revelations

Holly had been walking pretty much blindly through the corridors of the LEP when she had run into Equette. Literally. Equette didn't seem to be in the greatest mood herself, looking halfway between furious and depressed. But when Holly ran into her she took one look at the elf's face and dragged her straight off to the toilets.

It seemed to Holly that she was spending far too much time in these toilets. And they weren't a particularly pleasant place to be in. Hence, she supposed, why they were toilets.

'What's wrong?' Equette stood in front of Holly with her arms crossed. Holly sighed.

'Nothing.' She said.

'Oh, very funny. Come on. You cannot possibly tell me that you normally walk around looking like you're considering committing suicide. This is about that Mud Boy, isn't it? Artemis Fowl?'

Holly nodded miserably.

'Okay. So what happened?'

Holly sighed. 'Cupid…he – ' Holly mimed the use of a bow and arrow. 'And I went and I kissed Artemis. And then…he kissed me back'

Equette bit her lip thoughtfully. 'Right. So, what's the problem? Was he a really bad kisser, or something?'

'No, that's just it! He was really good, considering I don't think he's ever been kissed before.'

'So why are you so depressed-looking then?' Equette asked in bewilderment.

'Well, Trouble walked in…'

'Oh no.'

'…in the middle of the kiss. And he didn't take it very well.'

'I see.'

'And then Artemis said…he said that he only kissed me because he was taking advantage of me, and he'd never do it again. He didn't even look at me.'

'Oh, honey!' Equette clopped over and gave Holly a hug. At first Holly just stood there, then she hugged the centaur back.

'Look, it doesn't matter anymore. I think I'm over it. I don't think Cupid can have such a strong effect on me, for some reason. Maybe because I'm related to him…'

Equette smiled. 'Atta girl. You show that worthless Mud Boy that you don't need him.'

Holly nodded decisively. 'I'm going to go talk to Trouble.'


Juliet was, at that moment, in the middle of constructing a stepladder using items she had found around the cubicle in which she was locked. This was both harder and easier than it might sound, so it was probably exactly as difficult as you might expect.

Anyway.

It was harder than it sounds because there really wasn't a lot in the cubicle to make a ladder out of. What she had so far mostly consisted of a disassembled standard-issue LEP desk chair, and an upended desk.

It was easier than it sounds because the point of making the stepladder was to reach the thick plexiglass window above the door, and since she was in LEP headquarters, the window was somewhat closer to the floor than it might have been if it were above the ground.

Eying the gently wobbling pile that was supposed to support her weight, Juliet decided that she would just have to risk it. She had already tried the computer and found that it didn't have any power. No doubt Butler had asked somebody to cut the power to this cubicle. Something in the back of her mind whispered that this was a good thing, and there was a reason why Butler would want to cut her off from the rest of the world, but the rest of her mind was much louder. And it wanted her to get out.

Juliet placed a tentative foot on the side of a filing cabinet attached to the desk. The surface, whatever it was made out of, sagged slightly, but held. Juliet stepped to the topside of the desk. From here she could reach and unlock the window. The lock – a traditional padlock that seemed out of place amongst the fairy technology – resisted for a moment, but popped open when Juliet tapped it against the wall.

She opened the window and, twisting herself painfully, managed to manoeuvre herself out and into the hallway below. She landed on the floor in a crouch, then straightened and smoothed her blouse. She checked her nails. Not a single one broken. Excellent. Not bad for a spontaneous prison break.

Cupid was still flying around the LEP headquarters, searching for somebody he hadn't shot yet. Officers had been leaving the building in droves, presumably to locate the object of their affections and profess their love. Of those who were still there, about three quarters were already hit, but were hanging around for various reasons.

Deciding he'd probably done enough for one day, Cupid started to head home. The huge Mud Man at the entrance was gone now, hunting for the very person who was about to fly straight past his designated post. If Butler had known he probably would have shot himself. Or at least the people in the immediate vicinity. But he didn't know, so Butler and his companions were (relatively) safe.

Cupid was flying towards the exit when he spotted a lone LEP operative making his way slowly down the hallway. The fairy couldn't resist. Conjuring an arrow, he took exact aim at the figure's back and shot. He watched just long enough to see that his arrow made contact with the intended target, then flew out the door, hardly able to contain his glee. Maybe he should handle more of these cases personally. This was turning out to be one of the best days he'd had all year.

Trouble felt the arrow hit his back, but didn't really comprehend its meaning. Actually, he missed the meaning completely.

'Damn muscle cramps,' he muttered, kneading his shoulders.

Juliet looked up from her nails. The macho LEP elf was standing a few metres up the hallway, rubbing his back.

'Hi.' Juliet said breathlessly. The macho LEP elf stared at her for a moment.

'Hello,' he replied.

Now, if these two persons had been similar heights – or at least, similar species – this would probably be thepart where the violins would start to play as they run towards each other in veritable slow motion, somehow finding a way to end up in a passionate, full-frontal pash without breaking their teeth. Or other importantbody parts.

That was what they were each visualising. The reality of it was...somewhat different.

In reality, there were no violins. Trouble just beckoned to Juliet, who obediently followed him all the way to the LEP supply room. There, Trouble strapped on a pair of Hummingbird wings, hovered at about seventy centimetres, and turned to face Juliet, who was laughing behind spangled fingernails.

'Hi, again.' She laughed, enjoying the novelty of being able to look him straight in the eyes.

'Hello,' said Trouble.

Then they kissed.


In the Operations Booth, Foaly's jaw had fallen wider even than the average tunnel dwarf's. Needless to say, he was going to be sore tomorrow. What the heck was going on here? Trouble and Juliet? It was... it was just WRONG! Absolutely WRONG! Wrong, wrong, WRONG! It should be illegal! It was…Foaly shuddered.

Actually, now that he thought about it, it probably WAS illegal…

Artemis was suffering similar amounts of shock, but he was coping with the situation slightly better than Foaly. For example, he was still in control of his basic bodily functions.

But…Juliet! And…well, Trouble…were…well, they were…UGH! It wasn't often that Artemis was lost for words, but he felt that the occasion was an acceptable excuse. Still, he made a mental note to reread his Complete Oxford English Dictionary when he got home. And perhaps some foreign dictionaries, too. Surely someone, somewhere would have come up with a word to describe the image of Trouble and Juliet, well…UGH!

Artemis shook his head slightly to dislodge the image, and turned away from the wall. Distracted by the movement, Foaly also turned to face Artemis. He found the Mud Boy looking at him stonily, ready for the fight.

'Will you do it?'

'Look, Artemis, its not so much whether I will as whether I can…'

Artemis' lip curled. 'You can't possibly mean to tell me that there is something that you really can't do, Foaly.'

Foaly scowled. 'Look, Mud Boy – I get that you want to make it up to Holly – I get that –but something like this is just a little extreme, don't you think? I mean, how will you explain it to Butler? And Juliet? And your parents? You know we can't let them know about us.'

Artemis nodded thoughtfully. 'I understand that.'

'Good! So you see, it's impossible! Its insane!'

Artemis faced Foaly straight on, looking him straight in the eyes. 'Look, Foaly. You promised you would help me, no matter what I asked for.'

Foaly muttered something incomprehensible.

'Yes, you did. You agreed, and now I'm asking you to fulfil your promise. It's a simple as that. I only want to be the most basic fairy. Not to be magic, not to be intelligent – although I doubt you could make me any more intelligent than I am now – I simply want to be smaller.'

Foaly shook his head. 'It's not as simple as that, Mud Boy. You knew this would be illegal, but did you know it would be sacrilegious? I won't do it. Nothing you say can change my mind.'

Artemis felt like stamping his foot. Instead, he turned sharply on his heel and marched out of the Ops Booth. A determined Fowl always got his way. And Artemis had never been more determined than he was now.


Hmmm, wonder what he's going to do? Dum, dum, DUM!

This is getting pretty dumb, dumb, dumb...

Sorry about my corny humour...reviews?

Oh, and because I just got Brizo's review, I'll answerit – Trouble isn't actually commander, he's acting commander because Root has been 'compromised.' And he was just going a bit overboard with the rank thing because he was cranky with Holly…so I guess he never did become commander…I just used the word commander three times...four if you count that last one...