Disclaimer: Blerk…This is so pointless. How can I even prove that I actually even write these disclaimers? I mean, if somebody were to go 'hey, she's deranged and thinks she owns Artemis Fowl, lets sue her!' and I said, 'hey no, look, I wrote all these disclaimers on all my stories, to say that I don't own Artemis Fowl,' how could I even prove that I actually did do that? What if some random was just hacking into my account and adding these disclaimers to all my chapters?
Wow, that's a freaky thought. Who would be pathetic enough to do that, anyway?
If This Isn't Love
Chapter Thirteen: Resolutions
Artemis had been pacing the length of a deserted hallway for around ten minutes when he suddenly turned at one end and ran into Equette. Literally.
The centaur made an exasperated noise and continued past Artemis, barely sparing time to shoot him a deadly look.
Normally Artemis formed ideas carefully, after hours of careful planning and reason. But occasionally – very occasionally – ideas came to him all at once, fully formed, and ready to be realised. This was one of those times.
It was obvious that Foaly couldn't stand Equette. To be standing in a room with one present whilst the other entered was to feel the air conditioning cranked up with the temperature lowered significantly. Which was, incidentally, exactly the kind of atmosphere that Artemis needed. Or at least, it was the kind of atmosphere that he could exploit.
Artemis coughed delicately. 'Excuse me, Miss Equette?'
Equette was already several metres past him, but she turned around to glare at him when he coughed. 'What do you want, Mud Boy?'
The undisguised venom in her voice took Artemis aback. What had he ever done to her? Then he recalled the earlier exchange between she and Holly. Putting two and two together, he deduced that Holly must have told her about what he had said, and kicked himself mentally. It was a landmark moment for Artemis Fowl to do something so undeniably stupid.
'Well, you see, Miss Equette…I realise that I am not Hol – er, Captain Short's favourite person right now – '
'Understatement of the century!' Equette scoffed. 'She hates you!'
The expression on Artemis face didn't change, but he felt his left middle finger twitch involuntarily. 'That being the case, Miss, I need your help to make it up to her.'
Equette rolled her eyes. 'Enough with the 'Miss.' My name's Equette, okay? And why do you need my help? Surely a big, strong Mud Worm like yourself can brave the sarcasm of Monsieur Foaly?' Equette spat the word 'Foaly' as though it were synonymous with a particularly dirty swear word.
Artemis shifted slightly. 'Foaly is a little, shall we say, reluctant to help. I am counting on you being a little more open-minded than him.'
Now Equette was suspicious. 'What exactly do you want me to do?' she asked.
'I…well, I wish to be a fairy. Or, more precisely, I wish for you to make me a fairy.'
Equette didn't answer for a long time. Artemis awaited the reaction that he was sure would be forthcoming: either she would burst out laughing or ask him if he was serious.
It was a compromise, actually.
'Are you SERIOUS!' she clapped her hands gleefully, and giggled noiselessly.
Artemis frowned. Just because he'd anticipated this reaction didn't mean that he appreciated it any more. 'Yes, I assure you, I am perfectly serious. Will you do it, or not?'
Equette wiped an imaginary tear from the corner of her eye. 'Okay, little Mud Boy. I understand that maybe you don't really comprehend the Fairy world properly, so I'll try to explain it to you.'
A vein twitched in Artemis' temple. Nobody who'd had a conversation with him had ever been this condescending to him following the first exchange of words.
'Listen, Miss Equette, I understand the Fairy world completely. In fact, it is most likely that I understand it better than you. I know that what I'm asking for is neither easy nor straightforward, but believe me when I say that I will do whatever it takes to achieve it.'
Equette stopped giggling. 'Gods, you really are serious, aren't you!'
Artemis didn't answer. It wasn't really a question.
'But…why would you want to do that? Don't you have a life, like…on the surface?'
Artemis frowned. 'That is none of your concern. I am perfectly capable of handling my life, and this is what I want.'
'You want it because of Holly?' Equette thought she knew the answer, but it didn't hurt to ask.
'Perhaps.' Artemis said. Vague and unassuaging.
Equette considered. This boy was for real, she could tell. He was really willing to give up his entire life for Holly, so he was obviously very special. But there was just one question lurking in her mind. It wasn't a pivotal issue, but it was niggling at her, like a rock in your shoe – you could ignore it, but its much more satisfying to stop walking and get it out.
'Okay, I'll help you.' Equette agreed. 'But I need to tell me something first.'
Artemis nodded. 'Very well. What?'
'Why did you say you'd never kiss Holly again?' it was a little blunt, but Equette had never been very diplomatic.
Artemis looked slightly surprised, but he recovered quickly. 'Well, I said that because…Trouble was standing there. I didn't wish to lower Holly's position in his eyes. I thought it was the best way to prevent her becoming the subject of another investigation.'
'All right.' Equette smiled. 'Good answer. Lets go.' She resumed her walk in the direction of the Operations Booth.
'What, now?' Artemis couldn't contain his surprise.
'Sure, why not? You say you've taken care of everything, and thought this all out? This is the best time to do it, while everyone is distracted with this Cupid thing.'
Artemis recognised in her words the mind of a practised troublemaker. He'd obviously come to the right place for such a patently illegal operation. Which really didn't help him one iota, because he didn't want her to do it. Shrugging inwardly, he followed Equette down the hallway.
When they got to the Ops Booth, they found Foaly sleeping in his chair. That wasn't good for Artemis' plan. In Artemis' plan, as soon as Foaly realised that Equette was going to do the operation, he got jealous and agreed to do it instead, like Artemis had wanted in the first place. Unfortunately, Artemis hadn't counted on the technical genius needing to sleep. Foaly was snoring loudly, and his foil hat was slightly askew. Artemis eyed the sleeping form with trepidation.
'Oh, don't worry about him,' Equette reassured Artemis, misreading the worry on Artemis' face. 'He won't wake up, even if you blew a foghorn in his ear. Believe me, I've tried it. I thought he might be drugging himself for a while, but then I took a blood sample – while he was sleeping – and it came up clean, so I think he must just be a really, really heavy sleeper.'
Artemis frowned. This was definitely not good. It seemed that his only option was to let Equette do the operation, which really wasn't an option at all. Because there was only one thing Artemis hated more than people who talked down to him, and that was people who babbled. Equette had officially done both, putting her pretty much permanently in his bad books. Along with sixty million other people that Artemis had met over the years. But beggars can't be choosers, and Artemis was resolute that this procedure be completed before he left Haven.
'Could we get on with this, please?' he asked impatiently.
'Certainly,' Equette replied. 'The first thing I need to know is – do you want some plastic surgery while you're out, or do you want to maintain your…er…natural good looks?'
Artemis suspected that he might have just been insulted, but decided to pursue the issue at a later time. Like, when he wasn't about to become a different species.
'I'd like to retain my natural appearance, thankyou,' Artemis scowled at the centaur to emphasise his point. Equette didn't take any notice.
'Okay, then. I'll be back in about five minutes with a sedative, and then I can start.'
'What?' Artemis was confused; something that didn't often happen, but normally resulted in some sort of catastrophe. 'Don't you need a…surgeon? Or a cosmetic consultant? Or…some sort of expert?' he was beginning to feel a little panicky.
Equette smiled in a way that was vaguely familiar to Artemis. 'Lucky for you, Mud Boy, I minored in cosmetic surgery at university. I can do this whole thing myself, so the chances of what I did getting out are minimal.'
Artemis realised why he knew that smile. It was the vampire smile that he so often gave people when he was about to tell them something that they wouldn't like.
'Well…all right, but – how are you going to shrink me? I very much doubt that there is a surgical procedure for making me a metre tall?'
'You're right, of course.' Said Equette dismissively. 'I was just going to cut off a few bits, here and there – '
Artemis blanched to the colour of snow.
' – But I thought that might make walking a little difficult. Luckily, I have a machine that will do the job just fine, and without crippling you for life'
Artemis raised an eyebrow; already recovered from the unpleasant shock Equette had delivered him. 'You have a machine for turning humans into fairies?'
Equette shrugged. 'I didn't build it for that express purpose, no, but I think it'll do the job okay. It's a molecular re-arranger. I just give it a collection of atoms to detect – in this case, you – and program in the shape I want them arranged into.'
Now Artemis was scared. That was not the kind of thing he'd had in mind. Even an idiot could see the number of things that could go wrong with a plan like that. The machine could mistake part of his clothing – or even part of the air – for a part of him, and he'd end up stuck with it in his molecular structure for the rest of his life! Which probably wouldn't be very long. Or he could end up with something extra added on, built from the excesses of his molecules, or – Artemis felt himself going pale at the thought – he could end up with something missing.
'Absolutely not.' He declared.
Equette stuck out her tongue. 'Don't worry about it, Mud Boy. Something like this is simple. Since you want to look the same as you do now, all I need to do is scale down a scan of you to fairy size, and you'll be all set! I promise not to add anything on. Or,' she smirked, 'take anything away.'
Artemis shot her a deadly glare. Just because he'd been thinking it didn't give her any right to think it. Or say it.
'Fine.' He muttered. 'Do your worst. But if I wake up without a head, I swear I will have Butler find you and turn you inside out.'
'Right after you grow a new head, you mean?' Equette laughed.
Artemis' mouth didn't even twitch. Some things just weren't funny.
Equette retrieved a strong anaesthetic from her personal medical supply room, as well as a magically enhanced blood thickener. Centaurs didn't have magic, and she didn't want her patient bleeding to death. Something like that looked really bad on a CV.
'Any last words?' she asked, holding the adhesive patch that would release the anaesthetic into Artemis' bloodstream over the boy's wrist.
Artemis was lying on a chair, looking – and feeling – surprisingly emotional. The back of his mind was whispering that it wasn't too late to back out of this. It wasn't too late to stop this craziness before it got really out of hand, to forget about Holly and just go back to the surface and see his parents and tell his father that he would be a hero with him…it wasn't too late to go and see his mother, and apologise for making them worry about him, and it wasn't too late to just be a normal boy in a normal family with normal friends…
But Artemis Fowl II wasn't normal, and never could be. Artemis Fowl II was…extraordinary. He was a prodigy, a genius, or a freak…he was, simply, Artemis. Backing out wouldn't achieve anything.
'No last words,' he whispered.
The last thing he saw before he fell into a swirling pool of blackness was Foaly jumping angrily out of his chair.
Artemis is insane...and OOC...but oh well.
Reviews? Please. Thankyou. Erm...yeah.
Work Experience finished, so I now have one week of holiday left to write my little heart out. YAY!
