Disclaimer: And what if I did own Artemis Fowl? What would you do? Be really freaked because Eoin Colfer is pretending to be a girl and posting stupid stories on a non-profit website?
Well, thankfully I don't own it, I am, in fact, a girl, I'm not Irish, and I get nothing except fuzziness out of Artemis Fowl.
If This Isn't Love
Chapter Fifteen: A Different Kind Of Resolution
Next evening, Cupid sat up and yawned stereotypically. If he'd been in a movie, it would have been the perfect rise-and-shine scene. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't a movie. And Cupid was actually in rather a lot of pain. On top of the Love Nausea - which he'd ignored for most of yesterday but which was back full force this morning – his shooting arm felt like he'd just run a marathon on it, and nothing else.
Luckily he didn't plan to use it that day.
After a light breakfast of instant coffee and Frond-Loops, Cupid was out the door and on his way back to the LEP. He bypassed the queues in Police Plaza, flying over them with his shield on, and alighted in the centre of the Recon Department. There, he lowered his shield and made his way in a more typical fashion towards the Operations Booth. He rapped on the glass.
Inside, Foaly looked out to see a fairy that he had never seen before knocking on his glass. The elf was short, with a hooked nose and cherubic mouth. But the most interesting thing about him were the wings attached to his back. They weren't a design that Foaly had ever seen before, either invented by him or by any other organisation. All in all, this didn't look a fairy who was supposed to be there. In fact, he looked like exactly the kind of person that Foaly had designed his foil hat to protect against.
Foaly buzzed him in.
'Who are you?' he demanded.
Equette snorted and woke with a start when she heard Foaly's question. She squinted blearily at the elf now standing in the middle of the Booth.
'Hello,' she said.
'Hello,' said the elf. 'I'm Cupid.'
Cupid wasn't quite sure what kind of effect he was expecting these words to have, but it didn't seem to be the one they realistically caused. Equette did a double take and seemed to squint even harder. 'You?' she said incredulously.
Foaly, meanwhile, seemed to be having some sort of fit in his chair. He was alternating between Root-like air-strangling motions and eye-twitches.
'You did all of this?' Foaly pointed at the screen on his wall. On it was playing the previously recorded videos of Commander Root and Vinyáyá, as well as Lili and Grub, Juliet and Trouble and even a little footage of Holly and Artemis.
Cupid studied the pictures closely. 'Not this one,' he said meekly, pointing to the square containing Holly and Artemis.
Foaly looked almost ready to kill the little elf. And Foaly didn't often resort to violence. It wasn't his strong point.
'But – you – why – I – can't – but – who – I – WHAT DID YOU DO?'
Cupid looked slightly scared. 'I…um…shot them?'
Foaly breathed deeply. He didn't seem to be in a fit state to talk, so Equette took over.
'Why, though? Why the LEP? And why all them?' she gestured at the screen.
The ghost of a smile almost made its way onto Cupid's face, but Foaly stopped him in his tracks.
'Oh, no! Don't you dare look pleased with yourself! Do you have any idea of the damage you've done?'
Cupid just shrugged. 'My job isn't about damage control. My job is about Love. And I do it well.'
'Do you.' It was more of a statement than a question. Equette raised her eyebrow. 'Okay. So why, then? Why now, why them, why bother?'
'Because of you,' Cupid said.
Equette looked confused. 'Me?' she asked.
'Yes. Or, well, not only you. Him as well.' Cupid nodded at Foaly.
'Me? What do I have to do with it?' Foaly's eyes narrowed.
'Well…you see…Let me explain this to you. Do you see that?' Cupid pointed at Foaly's screen.
Foaly nodded. 'How could I not see it?'
'Indeed.' Cupid looked a little amused. 'What would you say if I told you I could make it all go away?'
'I'd say…what do you want us to do?' Equette looked deliriously happy at the very prospect.
Foaly shook his head. 'No, Equette. I think there's a little more to it than that. Why would he do all this if he was just going to undo it?'
Hiding the pleasant surprise that Foaly using her actual name had been, Equette turned back to Cupid.
'Okay, Mister Love Fairy. Why did you do all this?'
'For you two, my dears,' Cupid told her patronizingly. 'You two have caused me more discomfort than any other couple in my experience at this job.'
'Us?' Foaly looked a little uncomfortable himself to hear it.
'Yes,' said Cupid. 'You two are generating more chemistry than most of the Mud People labs combined. Surely you realised?'
Foaly and Equette both stared at the ground, shuffling their feet and muttering something incomprehensible. Cupid tutted.
'This is exactly the problem. Neither of you will even admit it to yourselves, let alone to the other person. So I'm going to make you a deal.'
Equette didn't quite think this was fair. After all, she had admitted it to herself that she liked Foaly. But she wasn't going to argue with his while he was offering a deal.
'What kind of deal?' asked Foaly suspiciously.
Cupid leaned towards the centaurs conspiratorially. It was hardly necessary, considering the Ops Booth was completely soundproof, but it gave his words that extra emphasis. Foaly and Equette leaned forward too.
'If you two will admit to each other – in so many words – that you each like, and possibly even love the other, then I will undo everything I've done to your friends. Everything will go back to normal. They won't even remember, if you don't want them to.'
Equette abruptly stood up straight again, looking everywhere except at Foaly. Foaly, meanwhile, had turned slightly away from Equette and was staring out the tinted windows of Ops with his arms crossed.
'Take your time,' Cupid cackled. 'I can wait.'
The minutes ticked by, and neither centaur moved. Foaly was trying very hard not to think about looking at Equette, but every time he thought about not doing it, it made him want to do it even more.
Equette was thinking about how best to word what she knew she had to say. But every time she opened her mouth to speak, a sick nauseous feeling took over, and she became convinced that Foaly was about to talk at the same time. Finally, after ten minutes of near-total silence, she realised what was wrong. It made her feel cold, like somebody had replaced her blood with icy water.
He didn't like her, and he never had. He'd made that clear from their first meeting. He was just waiting for the crazy fairy who thought he was Cupid to get out of his Ops Booth. He'd never say he loved her, because he didn't. Equette felt her eyes fill with tears at the thought, but she blinked them back, and then turned towards the other centaur.
'Foaly, I know what you're thinking,' she told him. 'And I understand. But I think you should know, before you leave, that it's true what, um, Cupid said. I do like you. Maybe I even love you, but it's too hard to tell that. I don't know you well enough, either. I don't even know why I like you, because you've been nothing except mean to me since I came here. But I really liked you, I really did. And out of respect for how I know you feel, I know I should resign. I'll hand in my notice as soon as Commander Root is…himself again.'
'Equette – '
Equette shook her head. 'I haven't finished. I want you to know that you really hurt my feelings. I only took this job so I could get to know you, and you were a let down from the beginning. Like when you were just sulking and insulting me, yet I somehow found it endearing. But now I know that you aren't what you're cracked up to be. I don't know what all those scientific journals were talking about, but I guess they didn't know the real you. I'm sorry I came here. I wont bother you again.'
'But Equette, I want – '
'Don't bother, Foaly. I don't care what you have to say.'
'But Equette – I like you too.'
Equette froze. Surely she'd heard wrong. 'You what?'
'I like you as well.' Foaly muttered, scuffing his front hoof on the floor.
Cupid smiled. Equette stared.
'You do?' she asked, in a tone that was halfway between incredulous and delighted.
'I said it, didn't I?' Foaly snapped. 'I wouldn't lie about something like that. Especially not for you.'
Equette rolled her eyes, but her face was simultaneously breaking in half from grinning so hard.
'You know what, Foaly?' she said, turning so that she was facing him completely.
'What?' Foaly asked grumpily.
Equette smiled. 'Don't ever change,' she told him, and kissed him.
To say the least, Foaly was taken by surprise. He hadn't been kissed since – well, ever. He'd always been too busy dismantling this or inventing that, and his ideas had never lightened up enough to allow time for dating. But he'd probably have to make time, now. This was almost as much fun as hacking into Mud Man intelligence agencies. Nah, who was he kidding? This was way more fun that that.
He kissed her back.
Cupid grinned as the pain in his stomach subsided and became a happy tingling feeling. This was why he still he job.
He left the centaurs kissing for about two minutes, then tapped the female on the shoulder.
'Excuse me,' he interrupted. Equette broke the kiss and looked at him.
'Yes, Mister Cupid?'
'Did you want me to fix everyone now?'
Equette looked at Foaly, who seemed to be considering. 'Okay,' he decided eventually. 'And if you could – could you make it so that they don't remember?'
Cupid nodded. 'Sure. One normal police force coming right up.' He pulled out the only object he'd brought with him today – he'd left his arrows at home as a goodwill gesture. And because it was really quite bothersome to have to carry around a bow and quiver all day.
The gadget he was holding would send out a radio signal to anyone affected by his little shooting spree, and intercept the brainwaves telling them that they were in love with – well, whoever it was they thought they were in love with. It also removed most of the memories dating from the instant each person was shot to the instant the signal reached them. Unfortunately, it wouldn't remove the memories of those who hadn't been shot. In other words, anyone Cupid had missed, and anyone who had had love professed to them but hadn't actually been shot would still remember everything perfectly.
But that was the price that people who suppressed their feelings had to pay. And a little teasing at the hands of their crush never hurt anyone.
All over Haven, LEP officers woke as if from a dream. The lucky ones found themselves in the middle of a serenade. The unlucky ones suddenly found themselves kissing somebody they'd barely spoken to before.
Lili Frond found herself in the infirmary, surrounded by sketches of what looked like a giant worm. She checked her nails, and when she saw that they were covered in some sort of black crayon, she started to scream.
Vinyáyá woke in a holding cell. Looking around, she caught her reflection in the mirror and saw that her hair was a mess and her lipstick was smudged. Commander Root was watching her oddly from a corner.
'What am I doing here?' she asked him. The Commander raised an eyebrow.
Juliet and Trouble both found themselves on the floor of the LEP Supply Room, and sat up quickly, spitting and retching.
'WHAT DID YOU DO?' Juliet screamed.
'ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU?' Trouble yelled back.
They both shuddered.
The next day, Foaly and Equette arranged for a therapist to come and talk to anyone who needed it. That way, he hoped, they could at least avoid the majority of the nervous breakdowns that were sure to ensue.
Thanks for reading my fanfic, everyone. Please keep a lookout for my next story. I'm planning a rather less fluffy and romantic thing - just to see if I can do it, and because I don't really feel very confident with this romance stuff.
On your way out, please humour me and review. Even if you haven't reviewed before now, I promise not to kill you. Or even maim you. Even if you don't have anything nice to say, at least I know you read it. And constructive criticism is always very welcome.
Thanks to all my regular reviewers, including Crystalocean, hollybridgetpeppermint, Brizo, almostinsane (sort of), Koru-chan, spirochick39, Athemia, LandUnderWave, SusannaAnnaHannahPotter, Luvcaptainjack, xmetallicbooger and…well everyone else!
Sorry if I forgot anyone.
Thankyou, even if you only reviewed once.
Actually, thankyou if you reviewed never! I'm still glad you read it.
Hope you all enjoyed this, and I'll see you again soon!
