Chapter 3
Back at the Griffin residence, Lois was in the kitchen, setting the table for lunch. She then placed ham sandwiches at each plate on the table with apple juice. On Stewie's high chair, she put some baby food and a sippy cup full of milk. She then went into the living room and called the others for lunch. "Lunch is ready!"
The Griffins milled into the kitchen and sat down to eat. Brian was there as well. He only drove taxis in the morning, so he had the rest of the day off with the family. Lois opened the back door and called Stewie in. "Stewie, time for lunch!" she called. But there was no response. There was no sign of Stewie anywhere as a matter of fact. "Oh my gosh, Stewie's missing!" she cried.
"What's wrong, Lois?" Peter asked.
"Stewie's gone!" Lois cried, coming back in. She turned to the others. "Does anyone know where he is?" The Griffins shook their heads, except for Brian. Brian looked very nervous, and he began panting in fear. "Brian…" Lois asked warningly. "Do you know where Stewie is?"
"Um…no, Lois, I don't as a matter of fact," he fibbed. Lois gave him a hard stare, and he grinned sheepishly at first, but then gave in. "All right, all right," he sighed, "I was driving my taxi in the city, and all of a sudden, Stewie called me over."
"Stewie was in the CITY!" Lois shouted.
"Now hang on, Lois," Brian said. "He then wanted me to take him to the airport so he could go to France and get married to some guy named Pierre."
Lois passed out on the floor. The other Griffins looked at her with concern. "Um…Lois…are you going to eat that sandwich?" Peter asked.
Meanwhile, Stewie's plane flew over the desert of Afghanistan. "We're here! We're finally here!" exclaimed Stewie.
"Not quite," said the passenger next to Stewie. He was a man wearing a gray jacket. "We have about half an hour to go before we arrive at the airport, which is in the urban Afghanistan."
"I don't have time for this," complained Stewie. He smashed the window of the plane and somersaulted out, tumbling thousands of feet to the sandy mountains of Afghanistan. His fall was softer than he anticipated. He then wandered around. "Yoo hoo…Osama Bin Laden…where are you?" he called. There was no reply. "I've got a helpless American for you! Come get it, boy!" Stewie shouted.
Just then, Osama Bin Laden and other Al-Quaida members rushed over to Stewie. "Are you the helpless American?" Bin Laden asked.
"No, I'm not the helpless American, you skinny little jackass!" Stewie sneered. "I have a wager for you…"
"This better be good," Bin Laden growled.
"Okay, okay…I'll loan you my teddy bear Rupert in exchange for all your stockpiles of smallpox."
Bin Laden and the Al-Quaida members mumbled amongst themselves in Arabic. But then, they looked at Stewie with an angry stare. "Are you kidding me…a teddy bear named Rupert?" Bin Laden grumbled.
"Wh-what? You want something else?"
"Oh, hell no! I always wanted a teddy bear named Rupert! Bin Laden rushed inside one of his caves and pulled out several barrels of smallpox. "Here's all I got."
"Thanks, Mr. Bin Laden," Stewie said sweetly. "Always nice to do business with an evil, insane military leader. And by the way, here's Rupert." Stewie tossed Rupert at Bin Laden and drug all his barrels of smallpox away.
"Ah, look at him, guys, isn't he so cute?" Bin Laden said in a bubbly way. The other Al-Quaida members "awwed" at Rupert, but suddenly, a loud explosion was heard, and lots of smoke emitted from where they once stood.
"HA!" Stewie laughed as he looked back, seeing the smoke. "Those bastards should have known that there was a bomb implanted in that 'fake Rupert' toy. Ha! Thank goodness the real Rupert is intact." But then, a blue bear fell out of Stewie's overalls. "What's this?" Stewie asked. He saw that the words "FAKE RUPERT" were written on the belly. "Then…that means that…I BLEW UP THE REAL RUPERT! Noooooooo!" wailed Stewie. "What have I done?" He sobbed hysterically for 5 whole minutes.
Stewie wandered for several more hours, eventually making it to an Afghan city. He located the airport and went as a stowaway on another plane to America. He was just about to enter the gate to the airplane, when a security guard stopped him.
"Whoa, whoa, there, little guy. Just what's inside those barrels?"
"Um…nuclear waste for Iran?" Stewie said.
"Oh, okay then," the guard said, letting him onboard.
"Ha! That dullard forgot that this plane is for America! What a dunce!"
Stewie arrived at the Quahog airport several hours later, and he drug his barrels of smallpox through the city with him and returned to the Griffin house within an hour.
It was nighttime, and the Griffins were a bit anxious about Stewie. They did not call the police, however, as he was not gone long enough to be called a "missing child." Stewie crept into the backyard with his barrels of smallpox and looked through the kitchen window to see if the Griffins were present. He could see that Lois, Peter, Meg, and some short boy with short brown hair and a plaid shirt were in the living room. Stewie quickly went to the screened-in porch and looked through the door to see what was going on. Meg and the boy walked out the front door with their arms around each other. Stewie opened the door to the screened-in porch quietly.
"Have a good time with Joe, Meg," Lois called as she shut the front door. Then, Lois and Peter saw Stewie. "Stewie!" cried Lois. She rushed over to him and hugged him. "Where have you been? Mommy's been worried."
"I'll bet she has," Stewie said. "For your information, I was stuck in a tree the whole day! But nobody came to my rescue! And don't believe any of that bullshit Brian said about me. It isn't ture."
"Oh, I'm so glad I have my baby back," Lois said, hugging Stewie to her face affectionately.
"Agh! Get off me, vile woman! I hate your guts! I can't stand you! I…uh…" he stopped, realizing he liked the close feeling with Lois. "You're…soft…" he purred as he hugged her face, then falling asleep.
Lois took Stewie off and took him upstairs to his crib. She placed him inside and shut the door to his room. Stewie slept for about half an hour, but he awoke when he realized that he was no longer clinging to Lois's soft, warm face. "Agh! Where am I?" Stewie looked around, realizing he was in his room. "Back in my room, am I? I'd better go back outside and get my barrels of smallpox before someone else gets it."
Stewie raced out of his room and went downstairs, passing by Lois and Peter, who were making love on the sofa. Just then, the front door creaked open. Stewie hid behind the sofa, and he watched who entered the door. Meg and the boy, Joe, went inside the house, but they looked shocked when they saw Lois and Peter on the sofa.
Joe looked especially shocked. "I…think I'll be going now," Joe said. "See you later," he said to Meg, racing home as fast as he could.
"Now look what you've done!" Meg yelled. "If you're going to make out, do it upstairs, or at least lock the door!" She ran upstairs to her room. Peter and Lois continued to make out, and Stewie watched the movement from the side.
"Ew, she's right, how can they do that in public? No matter, I have biological weapons to import," he muttered, hurrying outside.
Stewie dragged his barrels of smallpox onto the patio and then looked through the door to see if Lois and Peter were still on the sofa. They were, unfortunately, but they were turned to the side, so they couldn't see Stewie. He opened the door and quickly took his barrels of smallpox up the stairs and into his room. He had several close calls when he thought Lois and Peter caught him, but fortunately, they didn't see him.
Stewie placed his barrels by his window, and then, he got back in his crib and fell asleep. He smiled, knowing he would have his sweet revenge on Brian the very next morning.
