Chapter 17
The party set out early the next morning, heading back to their camp. Locke had gathered everyone together and explained his and Eko's meeting with Alex, though he didn't tell them who she was. Discretion, John thought, would be best. Michael seemed to understand that going with the Others would not be in his best interest but Jack kept a close eye on him anyway. He wondered what they would do when they got back to camp; he couldn't watch Michael twenty-four hours a day. He toyed with the idea of setting up a schedule of people to tail him, keep tabs on what he was doing, and he resolved to ask Ana about it later.

Ana. He shook his head. She had barely spoken after the Others took Sawyer; Jack thought he read a little guilt in her eyes. He sighed, reluctantly admitting to himself that she had kind of set things in motion; but, truthfully, blame could be laid on any of them. Except Sawyer. He had done nothing wrong, unless it was stopping Jack from breaking them up. But Jack knew deep down that he couldn't have stopped them; Kate wouldn't have let it go. He was scared of her, almost; he'd never seen someone so icy, so desperate. If he had gotten in between them he had no doubt that Kate would have just as easily pointed that gun at his head. Just as easily as Sawyer had, probably, but he hadn't really been worried about Sawyer shooting him. They do deserve each other, he thought, a little sadly, glancing back at Kate. She walked like a zombie, staring straight ahead at nothing. Eko was next to her, speaking gently in her ear, she smiled a little, then her face went slack again. It was painful to watch her, and Jack turned away, his stomach clenching with anger at Them. He wondered for the millionth time what was happening to Sawyer; the possibilities made him sick with dread. He glanced back at Kate again; she was still staring off into space. She hadn't even argued for going to find Sawyer, going after Them; her docility frightened Jack a little. Maybe I'd better put a watch on her, too, he thought. Just in case.

Kate wasn't seeing the jungle; her eyes saw nothing but him. She stayed close to Eko, only talking to him; his presence was calming and it soothed her ragged heart. She was ripped in two; the best part of her was gone, and she craved the comfort of Eko's wise words and the hope they offered. She clung to that hope; if she lost her grip on it she would slide away into empty darkness. Eko spoke quietly now and then, telling her interesting things about the plants and birds they passed, things about books, history; anything to keep her in the world, keep her holding on. She would answer occasionally, even asking him questions here and there; her natural curiosity would win out in flashes, though they didn't last long. Most of the time she was silent and withdrawn, seeing Sawyer everywhere she looked. She tried not to think about what could be happening to him; she couldn't bear to imagine what They would do. And the guilt. He did it for her; because she had been stupid enough to let Them get her. She didn't remember anything; just a sudden silence in the jungle, and then blackness. The next thing she remembered was getting shoved into the torchlight, hands bound and mouth gagged; Sawyer was there, staring at her in terror and fury and helplessness. She wanted to tell him she wasn't worth it; she screamed it into the gag as he was walking to her, his eyes shining with something she had never seen in them before. He kissed her; she was crying, she couldn't feel him, she couldn't touch him -and then he was...gone.

She sobbed a little; Eko reached over and touched her arm, gently, giving her a little shock. She was getting used to them, though, they didn't bother her as much as they had at first. She glanced up at him, and he smiled at her reassuringly, whispering in her ear. Smiling slightly, Kate wiped away a stray tear. "You have to lift it up, Kate," Eko whispered, "Lift your heart." She did. It worked almost every time, if only for a few minutes.

Her thoughts strayed to the plane. Tossing it in the fire had been easier than she imagined, though still not too easy. Her life had been wrapped up in a tiny piece of metal; all of her guilt and shame and self-hatred had been trapped in that plane and she carried it like a talisman, hauling all of those things with her wherever she went. Even when she didn't physically possess the plane it ruled her life; she knew it was out there and she needed it in her hands. Now it was gone, destroyed, taking with it the burden she had been carrying ever since Tom's death. But not completely; there would always be traces of it on her heart.

They stopped briefly a few times during the day, to drink and rest in the sweltering heat. Michael and Jin walked together, not talking too much. Michael was stunned by what Sawyer had done. He was a hero, Michael thought, whether he believed it or not. He glanced up at Kate's back; she and Eko were in front of them, walking slowly. He couldn't imagine what she was thinking or feeling; his mistrust of her notwithstanding, he'd always liked Kate, ever since the day they went boar hunting together. She'd been nice to Walt, too, he remembered, always making sure he got some of the fruit she picked. He felt a little guilty about snubbing her when she was cutting Sawyer's hair, but part of that had been surprise of walking up on them kissing. He thought about going up to talk to her, but what would he say? He sighed and turned his thoughts to Walt. He knew going after him again would be stupid; Eko had whispered in his ear when the Other wanted to take him, telling him to stay, to have faith- and he touched his arm, sending a shock running through him. And he did have faith; he decided to wait. He still wanted to go, but something was telling him to be patient, to look at things from a different perspective. It wasn't easy, though, to rein himself in.

Ana was trailing everyone; she didn't want to talk. Kate's eyes haunted her; the empty grieving stare reminded her of herself after she lost her baby. She'd just wanted to needle her; how could she know Kate would react like that? She hadn't planned on taking it so far, but when Kate hit her she snapped. Kate holding a gun the day before had jarred her memory- the bank had a surveillance camera, and she had been on it, plain as day, shooting her boyfriend and his buddies. It was a little hypocritical, Ana knew, but she was a cop; her life was dedicated to catching criminals, and Kate was a murderer. Well, it was a lot hypocritical. She was a murderer, too, wasn't she? But he killed my baby, she rationalized. I did a good thing.

It was a silent, pensive group that trailed slowly through the jungle.

-----

They finally made it back to camp, late the next evening. The rest of the hike had been uneventful; no sign of monsters or Others. Everyone separated, quietly; Jin went to Sun, who alternately hit him and hugged him; Ana went to her tent alone; Michael found Vincent on the beach; Locke and Jack went to the hatch. Eko left Kate at the beach, by Sawyer's tent; she paused before going in. Eko smiled gently at her, "Are you alright?"

She nodded, gazing into the dim light. "I'm fine," she said, and she smiled at him as if to prove it. But the smile didn't reach her eyes, and he touched her gently.

"Kate," he said, "Maybe you should not do this right now."

She shook her head. "No, I'm fine. really. I...need to be here."

"Alright then. You know where to find me." He turned and left her. Alone.

She couldn't bear to go in yet. She stood at the flap for a long time, staring into the dark, trying to feel him in there. She finally took a step, taking a deep breath and holding it. She half-expected to see him lounging on his cot grinning at her, and she lay down on it, her face to the cloth, trying to breathe him in, smell him, taste him. He wasn't there; her tears soaked the fabric. She finally fell asleep, her face still pressed to the cot.

-----

"What do you think, Sayid?" Jack asked, looking at him seriously. He and Locke had just told Sayid all of the events of the hike; Sayid seemed especially interested in Danielle's involvement.

"You said the Other you spoke to was a female, Locke?" Sayid studied his face, looking for a lie.

"Yes."

"Was she older? Younger? What did she look like?"

John sighed. He didn't like where this line of questioning was going. "She was young. I'd say in her late teens, maybe a little older. She had dark hair. That is all I can tell you."

Sayid studied him closely. He smiled to himself. "Are you sure about that, John?" Jack glanced at Locke, who was rubbing his forehead.

"Yes, Sayid, I'm sure." He returned Sayid's gaze.

Sayid nodded. "Okay." He paused. "So now the question is, what do we do? They are going to be coming after Michael, and they have Sawyer and Walt. Do we go to them? Or do we wait for them to come to us?"

"Well," Locke said, "Neither one has ever worked out too well for us, has it?"

All three of them sat silently, at a loss. Sayid finally spoke. "I think our best bet will be to set up sentries on the beach; arm anyone who knows how to use a gun." He glanced around at them; they both looked skeptical. "I know, it did not work too well last time. But do you have a better idea?"

Jack sighed. "Alright. Let's get down to the beach. Start setting up posts, getting people for guard duty. We should probably post a guard here too, someone has to stay for the button." They all stood.

Sayid put his hand on Jack's arm. "How is Kate?" he asked softly. He could sympathize after losing Shannon; he knew her heart must be breaking. He had always seen something between the two of them, and judging by Sawyer's surprising action, there was a lot more than he had guessed.

Jack flinched. "I don't know." He hadn't spoken to Kate; he wasn't sure what to feel about her. Or what she felt for him. He hadn't exactly been a friend lately, and now he was sorry; he was afraid it was too late for them to salvage anything of their relationship. When the man had his gun to Kate's head forcing Jack to make a choice he had been torn; did he want to save her? Was she worth it? His heart said yes, his head said no- if Sawyer hadn't done what he did, Jack wasn't sure how he would have answered. He didn't want to face her.

Sayid looked at Jack with a little pity. "Go talk to her, Jack." he said quietly. "She needs you right now. Believe me."

Jack stared at him for a minute, then ducked his head and nodded. "Yeah," he said, "maybe I'll do that."

-----

Kate sat staring blankly at the ocean. The sun was high; she had slept a long time. It had been a restless sleep plagued by nightmares and tears, but she had been unwilling to give it up; returning to the world was worse.

Jack came into the tent. He stood silently for a minute, giving her a chance to say something first; he didn't know how to begin. She didn't speak. "Hi, Kate."

She didn't raise her stare from the ocean. "What do you want, Jack?"

He hesitated. Her voice was so empty and cold; he didn't know how to continue. "I'm sorry." It was all he could think of to say.

"Sorry for what? You didn't make him do it."

"I could have stopped him. I could have-"

Kate turned her cold, dead eyes on him. "Do you really think you could have stopped him?" He looked down at the ground, then back up to her, swallowing hard. He shook his head. "No. You couldn't, unless you shot him. But you're not a murderer, are you?"

"Kate, I-"

"Don't, Jack. I saw how you were looking at me after she said all those things. After I pulled the gun. You looked like you hated me and I don't blame you if you do. I'm not good, Jack. I'm not worth it." He couldn't meet her eyes; he looked away, sick at heart. "I wasn't worth him."

"He obviously thought you were." He stepped closer to her, and she didn't draw away. "Kate, he loved you. Don't ever think you weren't worth that."

Her shoulders shook as she started crying again. He went to her, wrapping his arms around her comfortingly; she leaned into him and he held her, soothing her as she wept.

-----

"Kate!" Sun was yelling at her, running as fast as she could towards the tent. "Kate! They found him! He's at the hatch-" but Kate was gone before she could finish her sentence.

She ran until her lungs felt like they would burst; the hatch seemed so far. She couldn't think about anything other than seeing him again, touching him. She put her head down and redoubled her efforts; she didn't want to waste another second.

Eko was waiting for her at the door of the hatch. He put his arm out and caught her before she could get to the door and she fought him, desperate to get in. "Kate," he said, holding her back, " Kate, please, listen for a minute."

Sudden terror gripped her and she stopped struggling. He was dead. She couldn't breathe. "He's dead, isn't he?" She didn't want to hear his answer.

Eko sighed. "No, he is not dead." Her knees went weak with relief. "I found him in the jungle about a mile from here. He does not look good, Kate, but Jack assures me that it is all just superficial. I wanted to tell you so you would not panic." He smiled at her kindly. "Now, go to him." He let her go. She opened the door and ran in.

She wasn't prepared. He was bruised and bloody; Jack was stitching a particularly nasty gash across his forhead. She went to him, slowly, her hands over her mouth. Jack had his shirt off; his chest and shoulders were a criss-cross of cuts and bruises and stitches. He was covered in blood; his face and neck were smeared with it. One of his eyes was swollen shut, the other had a huge gash over it. She went to him, touching him and crying softly; Jack watched her quietly as she covered Sawyer with kisses, her tears leaving streaks in his blood.

"He's okay, Kate. He's just a little beat up. I've put in a few stitches and I just need to clean him up a little." She couldn't take her eyes off of him. He was here. He was back; she wanted to laugh and cry and scream all at once. "You should see this." He pointed to Sawyer's shoulder. The bullet wound was gone; completely healed. There wasn't even a scar.

Kate looked at Jack, questioning. "It's gone? How is that possible?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "I'm going to clean him up now," he said, then he smiled. "Unless you want to do it?"

Kate smiled her first genuine smile in three days. "Yeah," she said softly. "I do."