Chapter 6—
The Many Forms of Evil, and When Fairies Attack
The morning dawned bright and clear. The morning seemed to promise an infinite possibilities and good times. Then, the bell-ringer was strangled, and the Academy was brought back to reality, however bizarre that it was.
Beauty can be deceiving. It was that beautiful morning that the first Evil 101 (Original, Ain't It?) class was to be. Charlotte awoke with sunlight streaming through her window, and the sound of birds chirruping softly. She began to think that perhaps life at the Academy wasn't quite so bad.
She was wrong. Predictably wrong.
Evil 101's classroom was already filled. It was the first lesson of the year, and most students wanted to make a good impression. It was exactly at seven o' clock that Lavos walked into the room.
"This is your Evil class. Let's start this off by defining evil," Lavos said, his tone almost…pleasant. "What exactly is 'evil'?"
He saw a sea of dumbfounded faces.
"I'm evil!" a student cried.
There was a collective cringe from the rest of the students. This would not end well.
"And why are you evil?" Lavos asked with a honeyed voice.
"Because, like, OMG, mi frends all say, like, 'Your like, like, so evil, or something!'! And I'm like, 'Yeah, like, I am, like, so evil!' And, like, my, like, teachers? They all, like, died? Like, they didn't like my speak, or whatever? And…"
"All right! All right! I get the point!" Lavos cried. His ears were bleeding, along with the rest of the class's. He forced a smile onto his face, and continued with the lesson. He quickly handed out very thick books to everyone in the class.
"There are numerous types of evil," he said, wiping blood off of his ear. "There is Classic Evil, which would be the people that went to Evil Med School and passed. They are normally slightly insane, creative, and very evil. They also take other people's ideas and say that they were their own…"
Lavos continued on the different types of evil. He covered the Psychotic Evil, the Evil Genius, the Sadistic Evil, the Sadistically Annoying Evil, and the Pyromaniac Evil. He assigned three chapters to read as an in-class assignment. There was a seven page pop quiz on said three chapters.
"Read through the quiz before you begin," Lavos instructed somewhat absent-mindedly, and then began to read a book titled 'Dr. Evil Overlord's Ways to Survive by your Wits Alone: Book Three Thousand and Twenty Two point Five'.
Charlotte stared at her quiz. It was still blank. She didn't bother to read through it.
Categorize the characters by Evil Type.
Professor Moriarty __________Professor Who-y What-y? Charlotte thought, staring at the paper as though she was trying to burn holes in it. After a moment's consideration, she skipped the first five questions.
List the specific types of evil, their attributes, and the square root of ninety-three.
What does the square root of ninety-three have to do with evil?! Charlotte's mind wailed.
Thinking fast, she began to scribble answers down on the lines. She looked over at the girl next to her. Her hair was a strange mix of brown and blue, and her clothes were…odd. Nevertheless, she sat proudly with her test face down on the desk.
Stupid fast people…
"That should be easily enough time," Lavos said briskly, and snapped his book shut. "At the top of your paper you should have written 'Icky Icky Icky Neow wum ping'. If you do not have that on your paper, and you have actually filled out the questions, then you have failed this test."
"What?" cried a girl with silver hair. "How did we fail?!"
"Look at the last page of the test."
There, written in small print at the bottom of the seventh page were these words:
'At the top of your page, write 'Icky Icky Icky Neow wum ping'. You do not have to fill out this test.'
Charlotte filed this test away mentally as the Most Sadistic Test Ever Made.
"Don't bother to pass them in, I already know your grades," Lavos said with a rather evil-looking smile. The tests on the desks actually began to shrivel and burn. Whether that was from the evil smile or the bad breath that accompanied it, none could tell.
Then there was homework.
"Let's see…" Lavos said to himself with a rather twisted smile, "what should I give the class for homework…? They must not have understood the material, since they did so poorly on the test…"
The class waited with bated breath, and leaned forward slightly in their seats.
Please… no homework… please… please… oh, please…no homework…Charlotte thought fervently. Please…
"I'd say that a seven-page essay on an evil category… single-spaced… with people or characters that fit into said category… Yes, that will do nicely… Due… in four days. Dismissed."
Gaaaaaahh…
Charlotte walked out of the classroom, her bag dragging along the floor. She was mildly surprised that the thing didn't bust at the seams with the fifty-pound 'The Evil Method' shoved in it.
The hallway was crowded. Very, very crowded. Charlotte's mood began to go in a downward spiral of doom. She was jostled by everything from ten-foot-tall tree spirits to two-foot sprites. After grumbling impressively for a while, she came to a spot that felt as though the air was being charged with energy. The entire crowd stopped, stared, and waited for the next bit of insanity to arrive. Then, a portal opened up. It was about ten feet above the crowd. Out of it came… Miss Cerberus.
Cerberus looked a bit worse for the wear. Her arms were looped around to Mini-Lavi, who slowly (and somewhat melodramatically) reduced altitude. The crowd parted.
"What are you people doing? Move along! Move along!" a voice cried from down the hall. Oma-Ona was swiftly dodging through the crowd.
"Come on, get to your—…" she began, but stopped in mid-sentence. She stared for a few moments.
"Cerby?"
"Don't call me that!"
"It is Cerby!"
"Have you been listening to a word I've said?"
Those present were treated to the bizarre sight of Oma-Ona giving Miss Cerberus a running hug. Cerberus was completely bowled over, and Oma-Ona practically had her in a headlock.
"Cerby!" Oma-Ona cried happily, and tightened her headlock. Miss Cerberus began to turn blue, then a lovely shade of violet.
"Can't…breathe…suffocating…let…go…please…!" Cerberus gasped.
Then, a figure floated over to the scene that became more interesting by the second. It was Semp.
With surprising agility and dexterity, she flew down, and zapped Oma-Ona with her wand.
Zzaaaapp!
When the smoke cleared, Oma-Ona was lying in a little smoldering pile on the floor.
"…I think I charged that too much…" Semp said, staring at the little smoking pile that used to be Oma-Ona.
Then, nothing happened. Miss Cerberus and Semp looked at each other for a moment, then at the students, then back to Oma-Ona. With a determined nod, Cerberus began to hobble away, her arms looped back over the mini-Lavi.
"You have seen nothing," Semp said in a clear voice to the students. "You will now go back to wherever you want, so long as it isn't here. Now." To make sure that it happened immediately, she held up a slightly sizzling wand in a very threatening manner. Needless to say, the hall cleared out very quickly. Semp sighed as she poked Oma-Ona again. The still-smoldering pile of Oma-Ona disappeared with a 'poof!' and a minty fresh scent. Hopefully Selima hadn't taken the day off…
"…Remind me again why I took this job?" She said as she caught up with Cerberus.
"The same reason I took my job. An incredibly spontaneous bout of insanity."
