Chapter 9

The Quest for Pie

The Academy was never the same from day to day. There were all sorts of complicated twists in the space-time continuum to allow the thing to even exist without many adverse affects on the host continuum. Usually, normal language gives up at this point and has a drink since it really can't explain it.

Think of it this way:

The Academy is hovering just outside the boundaries of space/time, preventing the thing from falling prey to degeneration from time gates, plot holes, and general neglect, and from preventing Zeal's Day of Lavos from prematurely ending the Academy. It also keeps anyone inside from actually dying, per se, because if they aren't in the space/time continuum they can't have really existed, thus they couldn't've died- they just kind of… go poof, shall we say, and have to be pulled back with some well-aimed magic. However, at that same exact time, they are just inside the boundaries of space/time, so that the usual passing of seasons and general existence can occur. …It's actually not like this at all, but it's a damn good lie.

Now, the problem with all this switching, which is an unfortunate side affect of the unstable nature of the Time, is that you can never find anything. There are only two exceptions to this rule: the student dormitories, and the Staff Section. However, to maintain the balance between switching in and out of Time something's got to move.

Hence, the existence of the Moving Pillars, and why they don't turn up, say, in the Auditoriums. They stay in the general area of the Staff Section and dorm halls.

There is only one real way to get anywhere in the building. It's a very simple concept, one which has been used in other unstable areas, like PPC HQ- the traveling person just forgets where they're going, then they aren't lost and are where they need to be. A lot of people don't realize how nice and easily this works, however, until they have done one thing: gotten hopelessly and undeniably lost.

"Um…" Charlotte looked down one hallway that should've been on the other side of the school. She turned to look down another hall, and found classrooms that she had already passed.

"We're lost," Asamoya said bluntly. "Hopelessly and undeniably lost."

"We are not lost, thank you very much," Charlotte replied. "We're just temporarily misplaced."

Asamoya blinked. "That is possibly one of the most stupid things I have ever heard."

"I think I've heard of this sort of thing before," Charlotte went on, completely ignoring that comment. "To get un-lost, I think we've got to not pay attention to where we're going. Then we won't be lost."

"I stand corrected," Asamoya said after a moment. "That is probably the most stupid thing I've ever heard."

"I'm pretty sure that's how things work around here," Charlotte explained. "It's all about what you think."

"So, according to you, if I think that a mini-Lavi is not barreling down the hall towards me hell-bent on breaking all my bones, or at least giving it a good try, then it isn't?"

"Um, no, the minis have kinda already got it into their heads that they exist, so they're staying."

"Damn."

Charlotte paused to consider all the most probable reasons to say 'damn' after that explanation. The number one choice was not nice at all.

"Do I want to turn around?"

"No," Asamoya replied, looking past Charlotte. "You want to run."

So she ran, without looking behind her, partly because she was more interested in getting away, mostly because she knew that the view wasn't going to be very pretty. Asamoya had already gotten to be six or seven feet ahead of her, almost to the three-way fork in the halls. She sprinted down the left path; Charlotte turned down the right. The mini, presumably Shcala, possibly Copy-Write, stopped at the split for a second to consider which fangirl to chase down. Then it zoomed down the right hall with redoubled speed.

As she skidded around another corner, Charlotte managed to get a halfway decent look over her shoulder, which only told her that she wasn't running fast enough.

She puffed, her speed faltering, to the end of the hall, and threw herself into a convenient closet, praying to whatever deity might be listening that the mini would pass by. Unfortunately, there was no deity that smiled down on the poor student, although she was pretty sure there were a few doing something else down on her, but it sure as hell wasn't smiling.

The door was half smashed, half-torn off its hinges. And in that doorway hovered a very pissed off mini-Lavi- and that's the worst kind of mini to have.

dash-star-dash

Charlotte woke up in the Hospital wing of the Academy. Miss Selima stood over her, dabbing her swollen eye with a cotton ball soaked with something that stinged, and she wasn't being very gentle.

"First a sprained wrist, now mauled by a mini, and does anyone say 'thank you'?" the nurse muttered darkly. "Of course not. They just go and stampede somebody at the first chance and end up back here. Ungrateful little…" Charlotte didn't hear the rest, as Miss Selima went to get some bandages.

"…don't even get a damn assistant, goddess knows I need one…" the muttering continued in that general pattern for another half-hour, until Charlotte was patched back up.

"Get out of here," Miss Selima said when she was done. "The swelling'll go down in twenty minutes, the bruising a half hour after that." So saying, she pulled the startled Charlotte out of the bed and pushed her towards the door. As she did, Charlotte couldn't help but glance into another clean, white room, where a student sat in bed, looking vaguely familiar…

"Go! Shoo! I've got a student with seven broken ribs and a squished arm to deal with!"

Charlotte turned, trying to stop the insistent pushing, but found herself outside the door anyway. She huffed in frustration. It had just hit her like a half brick- the student in the other room was Twist. Of course it was Twist, just because she couldn't talk to him now. Charlotte began to pace, trying to wrack her brains for a plan to get in there without being interrogated by a disgruntled nurse. Fortunately, the answer hit her. Too bad it was quite literally.

The wing's doors opened again, and out came a startled Asamoya, who had been tossed out by the irate Miss Selima. She crashed into Charlotte, sending both students stumbling backwards until they came to the stairwell- then they just fell backwards. And down the steps.

Thud.

There was a snapping sound. Charlotte wasn't quite sure if it came from her ribs or from the door to the Hospital Wing being flung back on its hinges. At the top of the stairwell stood a wrathful Selima. The nurse looked down with some horror and a lot of anger at the two students who lay at the foot of the steps, bandages undone and Asamoya's leg most likely broken. Legs do not bend at such an angle and still work right.

"What the HELL do you THINK you're DOING!"

The changes in pitch were severe enough to shatter glass. In fact, a window near her cracked and busted, taking care to be very quiet so as not to anger the nurse further.

"I just finished patching you up, and you FALL DOWN THE STEPS!" There was a string of expletives after that which caused the paint to curl and burn on the walls. Selima swept down the stairs (and she could sweep very impressively), dragged the stunned and vaguely broken girls back up the stairwell by various limbs, and pulled the door shut with a bang. Silence then descended on the hall.

"Stay!" Charlotte found herself tossed unceremoniously back onto a cot. Asamoya was dragged into the next room, and Charlotte caught her frightened look just before she disappeared behind a curtain.

Charlotte stood, testing her weight on her ankles and legs. Everything seemed all right, so she proceeded stealthily into the room where Twist was.

She pulled aside the curtain around his bed, and slipped inside.

"Who the hell are you?" Twist blinked up from the bed, somewhat confused. He was a nice-looking guy, in a bookish kind of way. He wore glasses, and they slid down his nose in a ridiculous fashion. He was also sporting a full-body wrapping of gauze and bandages, and seemed to have some very painful bruising.

"Er… Charlotte Albshire," she said awkwardly. "Nice to meet you, I guess. Um… I need you to tell me something."

"Kitchens?" he asked with a grin. "Simple. Head down the hall, go to the left, and concentrate really hard on singing the Spam Song. You'll get there soon enough. Oh, and remember to find the pickle."

"The Spam Song? What's Monty Python got to do with any of it? And pickles?"

"All right, you can sing another song if you like," he sighed. "Anything will do. You can riverdance for all I care, but if you want to get to the damn kitchens you'll forget you're going there."

"Hah!" Charlotte cried in triumph, perhaps a little too loudly. "I knew it! I was right! You do have to forget where you're going!"

"Yup," he replied with the indulgent smile of someone who thinks he's talking to a nutter. "Enjoy your pie."

She paused, blinked, and said, "I didn't… I never… how do you know about the pie?"

He tapped the side of his head with a bandaged finger. "I'm psychic. I put that on my enrollment, wouldn'tchaknow. Too bad I got caught sneaking up on Lucca, otherwise I wouldn't be here."

Charlotte thought about that for a moment. "But if you're psychic… shouldn't you have been able to…?"

"See it coming?" he sighed heavily. "Yeah, I though so, too. It doesn't work that way. Trust me."

Charlotte nodded in sympathetic agreement. "I've noticed. They like to make things tough, don't they."

"Yeah…" Twist blinked, and his eyes went a disturbing shade of blue. "Get out of here. Selima is coming back. Er… it won't be nice if she catches you here…" His voice had taken a very strange tone, sort of like two people were talking almost-but-not-quite at the same time- he seemed to be going into some sort of fit. Charlotte, however, needed no more prompting, and rushed out, and managed to get in the vicinity of her cot when Selima returned.

"What are you doing standing there? Sit down!" Charlotte obeyed the still-angry Selima, and sat down. Selima, once again, patched her up, fixing several cracked ribs and various new bruises with some special potion she had- presumably a mid-tonic or something of that nature. Then, Charlotte found herself once again thrown out of the hospital wing. After a few moments, Asamoya came hurtling out of the door as well.

"Ow," she muttered darkly. "That's the second time today I've been kicked out like that."

"Let's not go for three," Charlotte replied, pulling Asamoya to her feet. "I know where the kitchens are."

"Really?" she grinned. "Let's go!"

And so, the students set out yet again in search of pie, towards an uncertain fate.

After about a minute and a half of metaphorically walking into the sunset, Asamoya coughed slightly.

"Um… how exactly do we get there?"

"We sing, Asamoya. We sing."

"…Just how much painkiller did that nurse give you?"

"Absolutely none," Charlotte said. "Do you really think they even have any?"

"Probably not," she conceded. "But still. Sing?"

"We sing Monty Python," Charlotte nodded, turning a corner and narrowly avoiding a gaggle of students of various races and colors. She cleared her throat with some embarrassment.

"Er… some things in life are bad… they can really make you mad… some just make you swear and curse… come on, don't leave me hanging…"

Asamoya rolled her eyes. "When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble… give a whistle."

"And this'll help things turn out for the best… annnnd…"

In not-quite perfect harmony, they began to sing.

"Always look on the bright side of life…" Whistle. Whistle whistle sputter. "Always look on the bright side of life…"

Charlotte tried an improvised dance step, which only succeeded in making her look like a complete idiot. Asamoya giggled, tried to whistle, and failed spectacularly. It's not easy to fail spectacularly while whistling, but one way or another she managed.

"For life is quite absurd, and death's the final word… you must always face the curtain with a bow," Charlotte tried a bit of tap dancing, having taken some lessons a few years back, but discovered that on carpet all you got was a wad of static electricity. "Forget about your sin, give the audience a… ow!… grin, enjoy it! It's your last chance anyhow…"

Several tap dance attempts, one interesting try at breakdancing, and one high-speed waltz with a random (albeit startled) student later, the pair was just reaching the climax of the song.

"Life's a piece of shit… when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show, keep 'em laughing as you go! And remember that the last laugh is on you," they sang, just before hitting an ornamental Christmas tree and nearly knocking the thing over.

"What the…!" Charlotte cried, rather upset that the song had been interrupted. "…Oh."

While singing, both of them had completely forgotten to pay attention to where they went. This, of course, was a good thing, except that they were now utterly lost, and it didn't look like they were at the kitchens yet.

"Are you sure that was all Twist told you to do? Sing?" Asamoya asked, idly poking a brightly colored bauble.

"Yeah…" Charlotte said, thinking back to the conversation. "And… something about finding a pickle?"

"A pickle," Asamoya repeated flatly. "A pickle." She turned and looked at the tree. "Find a pickle… in a tree?"

Charlotte gave her a very odd look.

"Wasn't that some old German thing? You hid a pickle in the Christmas tree, and whoever found it got a prize?" she said. "…We're dealing with a very strange sense of humor here."

"So we find an actual pickle in an actual tree."

"I guess so."

Charlotte pulled down one of the branches, and peered into the tree. Asamoya took the other side of the tree, and the girls systematically searched the full length of it, and completely failed in finding anything resembling a pickle.

"Well, I'm out of bright ideas, then," Asamoya said. "You're on your own now."

Then, out of sheer dumb luck, Asamoya looked on the wall behind the tree. There was a little picture of a pickle.

"Um… I think I found our pickle."

"What do I do with this thing?" Charlotte asked in frustration, and jabbed a finger at the painting. She then poked it.

A miraculous thing happened that was not really all that miraculous.

The pickle moved. Then, the entire Christmas tree slid into the floor, and the section of the wall behind it moved to the side, revealing a door.

"…Right," Charlotte said. "I've had my daily dose of strangeness, now I want pie."

"Pie is good," Asamoya said.

Neither of them opened the door.

"You can go first," Charlotte said.

"No, you can," Asamoya replied.

"You go."

"No, you go."

"You."

"You."

"Rock, paper, scissors?"

"All right."

The two girls faced each other.

"Rock, paper, scissors…"

"Shoot!" Asamoya cried. She held out scissors.

Charlotte looked down at her hands. Paper.

"Damnation," she muttered, then smiled. "Best two out of three?"

"No."

"Darn."

Charlotte took a deep breath and cracked her knuckles. She took another breath, hesitated, and opened the door. "Here we go."

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A/n- Er… I did say that I was going to update this more frequently, didn't I? Well… I guess this was up quicker than that other chapter, eh? - Anyway, keep sendin' in those applications- I like hearing from the small group o' people that actually reads this. Oh, and Wingnut- I think Hotmail ate your application, so couldja re-send it? Thankee! Cheers!