Chapter 21

He wandered the beach in a daze. How had Locke known that? Maybe Sawyer told him, he thought, but he pushed that aside; Sawyer and Locke had never been real buddy-buddy and that wasn't the kind of thing that just came up in idle conversation. Besides, he couldn't really picture Sawyer telling anyone else about their talk in the jungle that day; he could keep secrets, he just didn't always choose to. So how did Locke know?

I'm not like him, he thought viciously. He was cold and uncaring; he thought he was God. He didn't suffer, he just thought he did. But maybe he did, Jack, a little voice said from the back of his mind. Maybe he just didn't know how to ask for help. Jack stomach rolled and he glared down at the ground. His feet were carrying him, he didn't know where; he'd been looking for Michael when he ran into Locke, but now he was just wandering aimlessly.

The ugly truth was staring him in the eye; he didn't want to be like his father, but he was in many ways. There was the obvious, of course, he was a doctor; if he'd really wanted to be everything his father wasn't, why would he become a doctor? To help people? There were plenty of other professions where he could have done that, or even another branch of medicine, why surgery? And he was committed, his father had been as well, you don't become Chief of Surgery without a great deal of commmitment and drive to succeed. The only real difference, in fact, between the two of them was caring; Christian didn't and Jack did too much. But what if Christian had started out giving a sht about what happened to his patients; what if the years of losing them- of not fixing them had just taken its toll? What if he wanted to fix himself, but he didn't know how to do it and the frustration and guilt drove him to drinking? I could have helped him, Jack thought despondently. I could have reached out and helped him, but instead I just hated him. Tears dripped into the sand.

As yellow bullet streaked past his legs, nearly bowling him over. He looked up and saw Michael and Ana-Lucia talking a little way down the beach; Vincent came up behind him, barking and jumping, trying to lure Jack into a game. Wiping his eyes on his shirt, he pushed aside his thoughts and started towards the two of them. "Hey," he called out, and they both turned to look at him. "What's going on?"

Michael glanced at Ana and shrugged. "Nothin' man, just talking about the old days." He smiled at Jack. "What are you doin' out of the hatch? Locke makin' you crazy?"

Jack flinched and laughed bitterly. "Yeah, you could say that." He looked out at the ocean, squinting. "Your friend Rousseau visited Sayid today. She said They are coming for you." He looked back over at Michael, who looked resigned and a little scared. He hadn't seen Sawyer, but he had heard about what happened to him, and he suddenly thanked God that Jack hadn't let him go when They wanted to take him. "We want to take you to the hatch, set up armed guards, keep you down there until...well, until it's safe for you to come out."

Michael looked at him like he was crazy. "That sounds a lot like jail to me Jack." He shook his head. "No, I don't think I want to do that, man."

Sighing in frustration, Jack snapped, "Well, what is your suggestion, Michael? Because I am fresh out of ideas."

Ana spoke up. "I have an idea." They both turned to look at her. She sighed and turned her head away. "After we were attacked the second time we decided to move. So we went further into the jungle and made another camp. When we thought the Others had found us, we moved again." She looked at Jack. "We take a group into the jungle and we stay on the move. Maybe we find a hidey hole, maybe we find a way to end this... maybe we find Walt." She directed the last at Michael, who nodded.

"Yeah, man," he said, nodding enthusiastically. "I like that idea a lot better. At least if They try to take me I got a chance. In the hatch I'm just a sitting duck." Plus the hatch creeped him out; though he could always try to use the computer to contact Walt again...he dismissed that; there would always be someone down there with him, he'd never have a chance. At least this way he would be doing something, not just sitting on his hands waiting for Them.

"I don't know, Michael," Jack was uncertain; taking a group into the jungle was just inviting trouble but if trouble was coming to them anyway...Michael was glaring at him. He sighed, nodding. "Alright, Michael. We can try it." He looked over at Ana with a little disappointment; he had kind of expected her to follow his lead. "We don't have to go right away. Rousseau said she'd give us a warning."

Michael cocked his head at Jack. "Why do you believe her, man? After what she did to us? She's crazy."

Jack sighed. "She had her reasons, Michael. Believe me. But we don't have to wait. If you want to go, we'll go. We need at least two days to prepare for something like this, get supplies together, figure out who's going. Why don't you meet me at the hatch before dark, we'll start planning, okay?"

The glare in Michael's eyes died out a little and he smiled warily at Jack. "Okay, man. Sounds good. Want me to spread the word, get everyone together?" Jack shrugged and nodded. "Okay then. Ana, I'll see you later." He flashed her a smile and took off down the beach, calling Vincent.

Jack turned back to Ana. "Good call," he said sarcastically. "I suppose you want to go too?"

She smiled at him uncertainly; they had hardly spoken since the Kate incident, and she could tell that she had disappointed him just now too. "Is that an invitation?"

Jack laughed, rolling his eyes up to the sky. "Yeah, I suppose it is." He glanced back over at her, a question in his eyes. "What happened out there with Kate, Ana?" He asked her softly.

Feeling guilty, Ana looked away. "It just got out of hand, Jack. I was just trying to mess with her, you know, because...because I worked that case. I saw what she did." She glanced up at him from the corner of her eye. "Do you know what she did originally?" he shook his head, staring at her, afraid she was going to tell him. She saw the look on his face and smiled grimly. "Don't worry, Jack. I'm not gonna tell you." She hesitated. "I'm sorry I said any of those things. But when she hit me, I just...well, I'm just sorry, okay?" She looked at him, her eyes pleading.

He stared at her for a minute, then smiled a little, ducking his head. "Yeah. Okay." She smiled in relief. He was quiet for a few seconds, gazing at his feet. Her stare was making the side of his face hot; he turned back to look at her to find her gazing at him, smiling a sly little half-smile. He smiled back, suddenly wishing he had the nerve to kiss her; she read his smile and leaned in, brushing her lips against his.

He stood shocked for a breathless second, then he wrapped his arm around her and kissed her back. She gave in for a second, letting his tongue play against hers, then she pulled back, still smiling, but looking away a little abashedly. Grinning, he let her go and glanced down at the ground. I feel like a guilty teenager, he thought. The silence stretched on for a tense minute...two minutes... Ana finally spoke. "So."

"Yeah. So." Their eyes met and held, briefly, then they both chuckled and turned away, breaking the tension. "I guess I'll see you at the hatch." He smiled at her one more time, then turned away, going back up the beach.

"I'll be there!" She called after him, grinning happily. She looked at the ocean for a second; something had flitted by too fast for her to see. Shrugging, she turned her attention back to Jack and she gasped. Something black was hovering behind him, in between the two of them and as she watched it took form, turning itself into the distorted gargoyle she had seen before. Only bigger. She watched in horror as it snapped at Jack, but she couldn't scream, she was frozen, her mouth open in terror.

The gargoyle turned to face her. It was grinning maliciously, smoky drool running from it's jowls, its eyes just holes in the smoke; they were a scary, ghostly white against the darkness of the cloud. As she stared back at it, it began to change, to shape-shift; it elongated and thinned, and then two legs appeared, then a torso, then two arms, then the head took shape. The edges sharpened and Ana stifled a scream. He smiled at her from the cloud, grinning evilly; she closed her eyes against it, hoping it was just a vision. She kept them closed for a long time; when she finally opened them again she was alone on the beach, only the waves to keep her company.

-----

The paper was brittle and it crackled dangerously as Sawyer tried to open it. He grimaced, and pulled gently at the edges, but it stared to tear and he gave up, furious. But it wasn't necessary to read it, really, he knew every word by heart; they were etched there. He hadn't thought about the letter in over a week- it had been in his pocket when the raft blew up and he'd taken it out and tried to dry it, but it was too late. The damage was done. But it was still there and in the back of his mind he knew it was there, it's presence a comfort. He hadn't needed that comfort; he'd had Kate, and the letter had barely even crossed his mind; Frank Sawyer, his parents, his past- none of it had mattered when Kate was there. Then she'd said that name; it was just a coincidence, he knew, she couldn't know what connotations that name held for him, but it had struck him like a bullet in the heart to hear her call him that.

He glanced in the direction of the shower; he could hear it running and he allowed his mind to dwell for just a second on Kate, naked and soapy under the running water, but he still was in no condition and he pushed the thought aside before he became uncomfortable. He ran his fingers over the water-stained paper, feeling the self-hatred and guilt soaking from the paper onto him. He was used to being hated, it was like a comfortable coat; he liked being hated- it made the world easier to hold at arms length. It made working his cons easier, too. But deep, deep down, he liked being liked too. Sayid and Hurley's comments to him had freaked him out a little because he felt-good- when they said them, and he wasn't sure how to respond to that. He hadn't gotten a lot of practice at it.

He heard someone coming and he stuck the letter quickly into its envelope and slid it gently into the pocket of the jeans he had lying across his legs. It was so fragile he was afraid it would turn to dust if he wasn't careful. He glanced up at the door, and Eko came in smiling. Sawyer grinned; Eko was quickly becoming his third favorite person on the island, behind Kate and himself. "Well, if it ain't my savior! How many times is that now, Ed?"

Eko grinned back; it was good to see him doing well. He could sense that the Cowboy was a good man; beneath that rough exterior was a diamond that just needed some shaping and polishing. He was on the right path already, but there was much more in store for him; Eko grinned. Kate was not the only person the Cowboy would be called upon to rescue- but the question was which path would he choose when the time came? "Too many to count, my friend." He motioned to the edge of the bed, "May I?"

Sawyer hesitated; he wasn't sure he liked the guy that much yet. Celibacy? he thought. What a weirdo. But he nodded, and Eko sat on the far corner, leaning against the wall. "So, what brings you down here, Padre?"

"Jack asked everyone to come here for a meeting of some kind. I came a little early to see how you are doing." He ran his eyes over Sawyer, taking in the absence of his bullet wound. "What happened to your shoulder?"

Sawyer glanced down at the spot where the wound used to be. "I don't know," he said. "It's just gone. Been tryin' to figure it out, but I can't remember anything." He hesitated, looking up at Eko, whose understanding eyes urged him to continue. There was something about Eko that made him feel like he could be trusted and that was rare for him. "I have...these..." he didn't know how to say it, "...visions," he said, confidentially, glancing at the shower room to make sure Kate wasn't coming, "but they're like flashes, just flickers and I can't really see 'em, you know? I feel like I should, but I just can't grab 'em." He looked away, embarrassed. Eko smiled, and touched his shoulder gently. He felt a shock- he was getting used to them too, but it was followed by an image- the man he'd seen earlier, just flickering, but this time he stayed, and he saw the man step out of the darkness into the light and he knew him, he knew the face, he could see it...in the cloud. He had seem him in the cloud. Then he was gone. He screwed up his face in concentration, trying to remember...but it was gone. Dammit.

Eko was watching him closely, his smile gone. "Did you see something?"

The shower shut off and Sawyer glanced in its direction, shrugging at Eko. "Nah. Just a twinge." He looked back at Eko. "What's Jack callin' a meeting for? We electin' him President?"

Eko smiled. "No. He wants to discuss a plan for dealing with Michael. They should all be here soon." He stood, and Sawyer sighed, rolling his head in the direction of the shower. "Hey...uh...Kate told me you...helped her after..." he stopped, a little flustered; he wasn't used to saying things like this. "Thanks, you know...for everything." He looked down, embarrassed, and Eko patted his shoulder gently. "You're welcome, James. Perhaps one day you can return the favor."

Sawyer glanced up at him, questioning him, but Eko just smiled and walked out toward the computers. He passed Kate, who was wrapped in a towel, squeezing her hair out as she came into the bunk room. She looked a little surprised to see Eko, and Sawyer grinned as she wrapped the towel around her tighter as she passed him. Shaking his head he wondered, With women like that in the world, how can a man give 'em up? Ed's got some willpower.

Kate came to him, smelling fresh and dewy from the shower. Water beaded on her neck and Sawyer pulled her close, kissing the droplets away. She leaned against him, kissing the top of his head, her hands in his hair; he moved his lips lower, his hand teasing the edge of the towel down; his other hand slipped beneath the bottom edge of it. Kate moaned softly and pushed against him harder, moving her hips against his exploring fingers and her body against his wandering lips. He stopped abruptly and let her go, scowling. "Get dressed, Freckles. The gang's all here." He nodded in the direction of the computers where Jack and Micahel had just come in.

Kate put her hands to her eyes, muttering, "Oh, shit." She glared at Sawyer, who laughed as she hastily pulled her clothes on, praying that they hadn't seen anything. "You think that's funny?"

He laid back against the pillows and smirked at her. "Freckles, I never really had you pegged as the modest type." Cocking his eyebrows at her, he ran his eyes up and down her still-damp body appreciatively. "Course, now I'm glad you are. I don't want anybody else gettin' a peek."

She rolled her eyes at him. "Keep it up and you won't get a peek." She nodded toward Jack and Michael, who had noticed her and Sawyer and were headed in their direction.

Sawyer rolled his eyes and sat up in the bed, hissing a little as he moved. His back still burned like fire. Jack came up to him, looking concerned. "How you doing, man?" he asked, and Sawyer nodded, his teeth clenched. "You want a pain pill?"

Sawyer shook his head. The pain was passing leaving a dull throbbing ache behind, but at least it was bearable. He let out his breath and glanced at Jack.
"What's up, Doc?" He couldn't resist.

Jack rolled his eyes at Sawyer, chuckling. "Gee, Sawyer, I never heard that one before." He looked at Kate; she was laughing with them and she looked so happy he made a promise to himself to try to be friends with Sawyer no matter how hard he made it. He glanced at Sawyer; he was gazing at her too and Jack thought to himself, maybe it won't be so hard after all.

Michael stepped up and nodded at Sawyer. "Hey, man, I'm glad you're okay." He was shocked but he tried to hide it; what the hell had They done to him? He felt sudden terror for Walt, and he resisted the urge to run screaming for him into the jungle.

Sawyer eyed Michael carefully. "I'm glad you're okay, too." he said. Michael nodded and looked away.

Kate watched them, smiling. She couldn't believe the change in Sawyer; he was like a different person. He was still an ass, but he had softened, just a tiny bit. That hard, wild edge had lessened; not a lot, but enough to be noticeable. She supposed part of it was her...them, but she didn't flatter herself that it was all that; something else had changed him, like he wanted to be a part of things, not just the outsider. He wanted to belong, just a little; but she suspected that part of him wanted to stay Outlaw with her, too. Sawyer glanced at her, catching her watching him; he flashed her a grin that made her knees watery. She smiled back, then shifted her attention to Jack. "What's going on, Jack?"

"We've come up with a plan, for Michael," Jack nodded at him, "and we just want to run it by everybody, see who wants to be part of it." He looked back at the hatch, where Sayid and Locke had just come in. He glanced at Kate, who had her hand protectively on Sawyer's shoulder, looking a little worried. "You coming?" Sawyer looked up at Kate curiously.

She nodded, taking her hand off of Saywer's shoulder. "Yeah," she said, looking down at Sawyer. She looked worried and scared as she continued, "We'll be right there."

She felt Sawyer's hand slide gently under her shirt and grip the small of her back. She smiled at him, and leaned into his hand. Nodding, Jack turned away and headed into the computer room, Michael following behind him. The hand on her back slid lower and squeezed again; she laughed and batted his hand away. "Come on," she said, "I don't think you want to go in your skivvies. I'll help you."

She helped him stand, painfully, and he wobbled just a little. She steadied him, her hands drifting over his body, teasing him with her fingertips. He reached over her and grabbed his jeans, handing them to her, a little roughly. "You better put those on me, sweetcheeks," he whispered, hoarsely, "Or you ain't gonna be able to zip 'em up." She burst out laughing and dropped her exploring hands, grabbing the jeans.

"I think you flatter yourself, Tex," she grinned as she bent down, holding the waist of his pants open. He smirked at the back of her head and put his hands on her shoulders for balance; he groaned a little in pain as he lifted one of his battered legs to put it into the leg of his jeans.

Kate could feel his fingers clench in pain as he lifted the other leg, setting it gingerly back inside the pants; her heart lurched, and she wanted to kiss him, badly. He straightened, and she pulled the jeans up leaving them unbuttoned in her haste to get her mouth on his. He was a little taken aback at the intensity of her kiss, but his arms came up automatically around her and his tongue met hers with the same force. The intensity waned a little, it became slower and sweeter. Kate finally pulled away, gasping a little and she leaned into him, panting. He held her, enjoying the feel of her against him, the closeness of her; he breathed her in, her damp hair sweet against his face. Her fingers fumbled with his waistband, he heard a zip and she pulled back, smirking. "Told you you flattered yourself."

He cocked his head at her. "Mmmmm...well, I don't recall hearin' any complaints the other night." He patted the bunkbed and looked up at the ceiling wistfully. "If this mattress could talk..."

She rolled her eyes. "Thank God it can't." She took his hand, leading him out to the computers. "Come on, let's get out there."

He pulled her back and hugged her, holding her tight for a second. Smiling, he let her go, and she grinned up at him. He took her hand again. "Okay."