Chapter 28
"Where the hell did you get this?"
The green light on the door flicked on, but nobody noticed; they were frozen, staring at Sawyer. Kate was a little scared of him; he had a vise grip on her wrist and he jerked her a little, waving the badge in her face. The change in him had been so sudden and violent Kate couldn't get an answer out; she gaped at him, stunned, and he jerked her arm again, harder. "Where the hell did you get this, Kate?"
Jack stepped up, putting his hand on Sawyer's arm. "Hey, Sawyer, that's enough. You're scaring her."
Sawyer threw Jack's hand off violently; he knew he was scaring Kate; he could feel her arm trembling and see the look in her eyes and that pissed him off even more. "Get the fuck off me, Jack." He shoved Jack away, not releasing Kate's arm. Rage was getting the best of him; he was seeing red.
Jack glared at him, and threw his hands up. "Fine. Have your little lover's spat." He retreated and stood with his arms crossed, watching.
Kate shook herself out of her shocked stupor, and as her brain ground back into action she suddenly knew. "No, Sawyer," she said, shaking her head at him as he turned back to her, eyes blazing with fury. "It can't be. It's...It's him?" He stared at her, the rage in his eyes flaring.
"I'm gonna ask you one more time. Where did you get this?" His voice was deadly quiet; Kate shrank away from him, trembling. This was not Sawyer; he had been replaced by a red-eyed demon. His grip tightened, grinding the bones of her wrist together; she grimaced in pain and his stomach rolled in disgust at himself but he didn't loosen his grip.
Jack stared at them in frustration. What the hell was wrong with Sawyer? He glanced over at the LCD display to read whatever it was that had gotten him into such a frenzy, but the display was blank.
Tears were filling her eyes from pain; pain in her wrist, pain in her heart. She finally gasped out, "I found it in the drain." The hand on her wrist loosened just a little. "It was on the..." she hesitated, looking away from him; her voice was a whisper,"...on the skeleton."
Sawyer's heart stopped. He dropped Kate's hand and gazed blankly at the badge. He was dead? He stared at the picture, willing it to reveal itself. Maybe it's not him. His heart started beating again, but in an awkward rhythm, as if it was preparing to stop again and didn't want to get going. Surely there are plenty of Frank Sawyers in this world. They're both pretty common names. It's one hell of a coincidence if it's not him, though. Sawyer laughed bitterly to himself. Well, hell, it's a bigger coincidence if it is. Dread crept back into his heart; on this island it was no coincidence. It was him.
Kate was watching him, her heart in her throat. He was gazing at the badge, looking lost; she touched his arm but he flinched away from her. "Sawyer," she said, softly. "It's him, isn't it? The man from your letter." His gaze lifted from the badge to her eyes and she paled a little; it was filled with hate and loathing, pain and... loss. She nodded at him, eyes wide. "It is. Frank Sawyer? That's his-"
"Shut up, Kate!" He snarled it at her; he didn't want her lips to be dirtied by saying that name. He didn't ever want to hear her say his name again. "Don't ever say that again."
She flared a little; she knew he was hurting but she didn't know how to help him and her inability to cope with the situation irritated her. She swallowed her annoyance. "Sawyer, I-"
He exploded. "You got a hearin' problem, Freckles?" His eyes snapped with fury. "I thought I said don't ever say that again!"
Her irritation flared into anger; the words were leaving her mouth before she could stop them. "What, don't ever say your name again? Am I supposed to snap my fingers, clap my hands?" Her eyes narrowed. "Or should I just call you James?"
He glared at her and her stomach dropped; she opened her mouth to take it back but he cut her off, coldly. "James is dead." His eyes flicked over her and he shrugged. "Don't worry, Sweetcheeks. There won't be a need for you to call me at all." His words were like ice water; she shivered with dread as he turned his back on her and walked away.
He walked blindly, staring at the ground in misery. He hadn't meant to hurt her, though he knew he had; lashing out was always his first reaction to anything. Frank Sawyer was dead and he hadn't done it. He hadn't pulled the trigger. He hadn't read the letter. He had never even had a chance; it wasn't fair that he would never get that fucking spot off his heart now; he would never be rid of him. He could never be James again, ever; the chance to leave Sawyer behind was dead and crumbling in a drainpipe.
He heard Kate coming behind him and his heart lurched; he didn't stop. "Hey!" she shouted. "Hel-lo?" He heard her sigh in exasperation and he almost smiled in spite of himself. Damn her, how did she do that? "What the hell am I supposed to call you, then?" He still didn't answer but he slowed his pace just little. "I can think of a few names if you can't." His shoulders loosened a little; Kate noticed and smiled to herself. "Wanna hear 'em?"
He stopped, finally, turning to look at her. She was standing with her arms crossed, a smile playing around her lips. His eyes met hers and he couldn't hold her gaze; he dropped his eyes and muttered. "Not really."
She walked up to him, and he could see understanding in her eyes, not pity. "I know what it's like, you know," she said softly, "to hate someone so badly that the only thing you can think about is erasing them from the face of the earth; erasing them from yourself." His eyes found hers, and he believed her completely; she was speaking to him from her darkest heart, the one she kept hidden even from herself. "It doesn't change anything, Sawyer," she whispered sadly. "It doesn't ease your pain; it still grows every single second of every day." Her arm snaked around his back and deftly snagged the letter from his pocket. "This is a piece of paper, Sawyer. He ruined your life? Fine, he's dead, and if it makes you feel any better it looked like he died in a pretty gruesome and painful way. He's gone, nothing can change that." She leaned in, ignoring his angry glare at the letter; holding it in her hand she offered it to him, smiling sadly. "Don't let him ruin the rest of your life, Sawyer. Find something else to live for." The letter fell from her hands into the dirt; she turned and walked back up the path. She paused and turned back to him; he was frozen, staring at the letter on the ground. Feeling her gaze on him, he lifted his eyes to her; she flashed him a meaningful look then smiled. "I did." She disappeared up the path.
-----
Kate ran down the path after Sawyer and Jack sighed, shaking his head. Those two needed to seriously talk to Libby when they got back to the beach.
He turned his attention to the door; he was tired of worrying about them. He felt like he had been shocked back into civility; his anger and frustration was gone. He was still irritated, and pretty sure that Locke would piss him off again soon, but for now he decided to enjoy exploring the building; maybe they would get some damn answers for a change.
He glanced at Ana and pulled on the door; it opened with a soft swish and he looked in quickly. it was dark; he fumbled around in his pack for a second before remembering with an irritated pang that he had given Kate his flashlight and she had fallen into the ocean with it; it probably didn't work now anyway. Ana flicked on a light and handed it out to him smiling; he grinned back at her and took it, letting his fingers brush against hers. She glanced at him, questioning; he just winked and swung the light into the dark doorway.
They filed in silently; the flashlight was weak and didn't penetrate the gloom. Jack shook it, trying in vain to get it a little brighter, Suddenly the overhead lights flickered on and Jack spun in surprise to find Locke with his hand on the wall, flipping on light switches. Locke grinned at Jack and he swallowed a flash of irritation. "Power's on."
"Yeah, Locke, I see that." They were in a large hallway; there were benches lining the walls and a dried up fountain sat forlornly in the center of the room. Another large hallway intersected the main one. Directions were painted on the walls; to the right was the kitchen, living spaces, reference room, and general offices. To the left was the veterinary ward, genetic laboratory, and research laboratory. Jack pointed to the left. "I think we should split up, Ana and I will go check out the medical supplies and the labs, you three check out the kitchen and the reference room." Locke looked a little miffed at Jack's presumptuous attitude, but he decided to save that battle for another time. He was going to go to the reference room anyway; he thought he might find some answers about the island there.
Jack and Ana disappeared down the left hand corridor; Michael, Eko and Locke turned to the right. The halls were bleak and bare, probably stark white at some time but now a dingy green-brown that made it feel like they were still out in the jungle. They came to the Reference Room first; Locke turned the knobs on the double doors and they creaked open, dust falling from the ceiling. Michael blanched, and warned them, "Careful."
Locke glanced back at him and smiled, then turned to Eko, who was standing a few feet behind him. "Shall we?"
Eko nodded and said, "You first." Locke laughed and reached inside the door, flicking the lights on. Flourescent overhead lights popped and crackled as they came on unwillingly; a couple blew out leaving the room a little gloomy.
There were bookshelves lining the walls and several comfortable chairs spread out through the center with writing desks and tables scattered around. John went to the shelves and started looking at the books; they were mostly very technical textbooks and medical journals; he didn't bother to look through any of them; he wouldn't understand the technical jargon and such. Medicine was not his field. He continued perusing the books, one caught his eyes. It didn't fit in; it was just a plain old hardback novel. He leaned in and read the title, grinning to himself; maybe it did fit in. Doctor Doolittle. Curious, he reached up and pulled the book off of the shelf; he flipped through the pages; nothing. He went to slip it back on the shelf when a glimmer caught his eyes, he stopped, and reached into the space where it had been; his fingers touched metal and he pulled out a film canister very similar to the Orientation film he had watched in their hatch. Flipping it over he saw the title : Introduction.
He held up the film. "Eko, come here."
Eko approached as closely as he could, and John tossed the film to him. He caught it and read the name and looking up at Locke a slow smile spread to his eyes. "I think we need to find a projector."
Locke smiled. "I saw it over by the molecular studies section." He scurried over to get it; he returned quickly and Eko strung the film. They were excited; it felt like they were getting somewhere. The Island gave up the castaway's secrets to them, but it kept its own secrets its own.
Michael hit the lights and Eko plugged in the projector. They sat quietly, in anticipation as Eko turned it on; looking at Locke he smiled. "Okay. Here we go." He flipped the switch and the projector whirred to life.
