Chapter Eight
Tears filled Jay's eyes, while Paige, who also had a glazy glare, and Spinner remained silent. In some cases, maybe saying nothing at all can be more comforting than words that perhaps don't have proof behind them. Spinner asked which room Emma was staying in at the desk, and they all shuffled towards the open elevator door. The ride up was silent, Paige only clung to Spinner, thankful she wasn't alone; and wished she could do something, say something, to comfort Jay, which seemed next to impossible. They turned the bend, and walked into room 511.
Toby turned around as he heard footsteps, breaking his view through the window. Manny pulled her head back up from JT's shoulder.
Paige nodded in acknowledgement to JT, who quickly reverted to his view on Emma, as well as Toby, who turned back around to watch outside, maybe because it was too hard to face reality this time.
"Hello Paige" Manny said as she got up and walked towards her, pulling Paige into a hug.
"I'm so sorry..." was all Paige managed to say before she and Manny began tearing up.
Spinner stood watching Paige, and Jay walked over to the side of Emma's bed, and stood completely still, his eyes fixated on her even though it hurt to see her, like a car crash, when everything's been busted up and the scene is dreadful, but you can't look away. Spinner noticed, and whispered over to Paige.
"I think we should leave him alone for a couple minutes with her."
Paige nodded in agreement, and Manny walked over to her best friends, and told them the same. Neither understood the reasoning, but walked out anyway.
"Why are we leaving him in there?" Toby asked as all five stood in the hallway.
"Because... he needs to let it out before she's gone..." Manny replied.
"What are you talking about?" JT asked.
"He's in love with her..." Paige simply said, "it's kind of hard to miss it, hun."
"You knew?" Spinner asked.
"Of course I did... we all know his little Greenpeace is the only one who makes him happy, and less of a jerk." Paige replied, looking at the closed door.
"You know Paige, the tragic thing is, you're probably right.. and there he is," Manny pointed to the door, "probably pouring out his soul to her... and she won't even know..."
"Maybe it's easier for him to see the part that she's still alive, and so he might as well treat her like she is." Toby remarked.
"I guess you're right," Manny replied, "I just wish she could have seen all the times he stared at her, looking like he was trying to say something that was long overdue.."
"At least he's doing it now." Spinner said, "before it's too late."
"He shouldn't be waiting until she's in the fucking hospital to be 'professing his love' for her or whatever." Toby snapped.
"Tobs, you're one to talk." JT replied.
"Guys, just shut up. It's not about who loved Emma first and the timing... it's about the fact that our friend, the girl that tried to juggle all our pathetic problems at once and make them right again, might just be about to leave us..." Manny said, tears falling once more.
"I'm sorry, Manny." JT pulled her into a strong genuine hug, her tears splattering on his shirt.
"Me too." Toby said.
Back inside the room, Jay took JT's seat, leaned over, and grabbed Emma's hand with both hands.
"Emma? ... It's me. Jay."
No response.
"I know you're wondering why I'm here, the thing is, I don't think I ever really got the chance to explain to you...about like what happened..."
Still, no response came.
"... I only stayed with Alex because... well she was like suicidal, she said she'd kill herself if she didn't have me to help her deal with her problems and stuff... and well I just didn't feel the same, she became more of a sister for me... so at first I started going to the ravine... hoping Alex would find out and dump me... and then I started having... feelings... for you, and I admit... the way I went about it to get my way with you and Alex wasn't smart... but when have I ever said the right thing or done the right thing... It's like a disease, Emma... anything I have, I want gone, destroyed... maybe because life taught me that people let you down... and maybe I just think I should cut to the chase... and anything I want, I can't seem to keep a steady hold on it, like I know I'm doomed to fuck it up, so I stop trying..."
Jay sighed.
"The thing is, I knew I fucked it up by asking you to the ravine. It was stupid, and I wanted to make it up to you, to show you I'd change if you let me... but I didn't know how... I didn't know how to make myself stop being the outside me, the part that just doesn't seem to care and is unaffected... I didn't know how to show you the inside me... the part that just dies to want to make you happy... the part that never ever meant to hurt you, that promised I wouldn't abandon you like Cameron... the part that just wanted to scream I love you..."
He drew in a breath.
"I know after a while we became friends, and hung out and talked, and maybe we both thought it was easier to ignore what had happened, and I'm sorry it took this long for me to just say it... I thought maybe pretending the feelings I had when we were together as friends weren't there... that they'd go away, that we could eventually pursue a strong friendship and nothing more... but I couldn't... and no amount of cold comforts made your image go away in my mind... and that's when I knew, I could try and forget, and drown you with booze and drugs... you'd still be there... in a sense reminding me of what I could have been, and what I wished I could take back to make it right..."
He looked down, searching for a way to make it sound right.
"I need you Emma, not want... I need you to make me the better person I know is in me somewhere that only you can bring out... and I need you to see I'm serious, and that I'm seriously falling for you... you can't leave..."
Tears welled in Jay's eyes.
"Don't leave me to fend for myself... I can't go back to who I used to be after feeling love like this... just...don't go..."
Maybe in the perfect movie or scene, Emma would have opened her eyes and reached out to touch Jay's salty cheek and smiled at him... but she remained silent, and the heart monitor kept calling out to Jay, a horrible reminder that her life depended on the flow of the beeps, that she was half-dead, but half-alive, still incapable of responding to words Jay never had the nerve to say.
