Sandy's Treedome, the autumn of 2002…

It was Wednesday afternoon, three days after Bikini Bottom's annual snail race, a race that originally included only one participant, and two more joined in only after the first one informed them of the event, just 24 hours prior? Seems ol' Squidy didn't really need to waste 1,700 bucks to win this one.

Words could not describe how much SpongeBob regretted putting his beloved pet snail through such torturous training, which led to the latter getting severely injured during the snail race, even if SpongeBob only did it to protect Gary's honor after Squidward had called him a worthless mutt while flaunting his purebred race snail, Snellie. Wait, weren't snails the underwater equivalent of cats?

The only thing weighing on SpongeBob more than his guilty conscience was the heavy barbell he was forced to carry on his back. And by "barbell" I of course mean a teddy bear and plush bunny stuck on a pole. Making matters worse, SpongeBob had to carry this heavy load while running on a treadmill, wearing a sweatband and his water helmet.

With bloodshot eyes, the sweaty sponge glanced to his left and saw Gary, his right eye swollen shut and his shell covered in bandages, sitting in a beach chair and munching on popcorn while watching his overcompetitive owner getting his comeuppance.

"Oh, Gary…" SpongeBob sniffed "…I'm so sorry I let my pride get the better of me and force you into all that horrible training. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Meow…" Gary groaned, having already accepted SpongeBob's apology two days ago, while also watching his former coach being put through the wringer (dang, that's much harsher in hindsight…).

"I promise, I'll never again force you to do something without your consent. On my honor as a fry cook!" SpongeBob tearfully promised.

"Meow." Gary replied evenly. He had his doubts his owner could uphold that promise for another ten seasons.

Trying not to buckle under the immense weight, SpongeBob added, "And I'm sorry about Snellie. You two really were a cute couple."

"Meow…" Gary sighed sadly. Things just weren't meant to be between the two of them, not with Squidward's disdain for snails taken into account.

"But if it helps…" SpongeBob panted "…Mrs. Puff has a fetching lady snail that looks nigh-identical to Snellie? Maybe I could hook you two up-"

An ear-piercing noise made both of them cringe and SpongeBob gulped as a royally ticked-off Sandy, dressed in a red tracksuit and wearing a cap, along with a coach whistle around her neck, marched up to him.

"Nuff chitchat, stretch dem scrawny lil' calves!" she yelled and threw a second barbell made of plushies onto SpongeBob's back, making his eyes bulge out and he was forced to hunch over trying to support the extra weight.

"Sandy…" he whined feebly as he continued running in place "…how much longer do I have to do this?"

"Till ya learn yur lesson!" Sandy barked. "Which is?"

SpongeBob sniffed. "It's wrong to force your pet to do something against their will."

"Aaaand?" Sandy raised an eyebrow.

"And it's wrong to use "lady" as a pejorative term to put others down." SpongeBob whimpered. "Boy and girls are equals, always were equals, and always will be equals. Only insecure, misogynistic, backwater sidewinders think otherwise."

"Dat's better." Sandy perked up a bit before pressing a button which made the belt go twice as fast. With his teeth clenched and eyes pulsating, SpongeBob struggled to keep up.

"We're makin' progress. Keep it up fer thu rest of da week, and yur free ta go." Sandy said proudly before walking off.

"Speakin' of no-good sidewinders…" She checked up on her giant hamster wheel and found Squidward running inside it, likewise wearing a sweatband and water helmet, along with his usual power-walking getup. He too was struggling and wheezing from exhaustion.

"Why am I getting punished!" he complained. "SpongeBob's the one who abused Fred with his excessive and inhumane training?"

"Maybe." Sandy put her hands on her hips. "But ya sold off yur snail thu moment dat race was over! Pets are meant ta be loved and nurtured, not ta be used as disposable tools ta further yur own selfish ambitions."

"Oh, puh-lezee. Pets are nothing but disease-ridden freeloaders." The sweaty octopus rolled his eyes haughtily. "Will ya get off your soapbox, Sandy?"

Glowering, Sandy jumped onto an actual soapbox, grabbed the wheel, and spun it to go faster.

With a nervous squeak, Squidward struggled to keep up until his four legs got tangled up and he started bouncing around inside the wheel.

The Texan squirrel smirked with satisfaction when Patrick walked up to her, with his usual dopey smile and utterly oblivious to his two neighbors' suffering.

"She's right, Squidward." He said simply. "The key to forging a healthy and loving relationship between pet and owner is mutual trust and support. You should always think of them first and what makes them happy."

Sandy gawked at him in surprise and grew an awkward smile. "Wow? Dat…was surprisingly profound, comin' from ya, Patrick?"

"I know, right?" Patrick giggled dumbly. "I told Rocky to just do his best and have fun, and he ended up winning the race. Right, pal?"

He lifted his hand up but found it to be empty.

"Rocky? He looked around, while Squidward was flung into the air and smashed into the glass ceiling.

"Pain…" Squidward said feebly.

Patrick and Sandy found the rock in front of the glass, seemingly gazing at the horizon.

Lifting his hand above his eyes, Patrick tried to see what Rocky was looking at and spotted a cluster of wild rocks in the distant, and the one in the front was a beautiful maroon-colored rock with a bow.

Even Patrick was smart enough to know what this meant. "Oh…you want to be with your own kind, right?" he asked despondently.

Sandy put her paw on his shoulder, while Squidward slowly slid down in the background and collapsed on the lawn.

"Ya know what they say? If ya love somethin', set it free." The squirrel said wisely, while a screaming SpongeBob crashed into Squidward, leaving the two lying in a heap, along with the plushie barbells.

With big, goodly eyes and trembling lips, a tearful Patrick placed Rocky on the sandfield, accompanied by Sandy, now in her suit and helmet.

Sniffing, Patrick hugged Rocky one final time and started bawling like a baby, before getting up.

"I'll never forget you, buddy." Patrick cried and wiped his eye. "You were the best pet I could have ever asked for. Now go! Be free!"

Rocky didn't move an inch, making Patrick miffed from heartbreak and shoo him.

"Don't make this so hard. Just go, ya stupid rock! Your pack awaits you!" he cried before turning his back on Rocky and breaking down in tears.

"Let's jus' leave 'em be." Sandy advised him and led the devastated Patrick away, who had his face buried in his hands while sobbing uncontrollably.

"Did I do the right thing?" Patrick whimpered, his voice barely coherent, while Sandy nodded and comforted him.

"Ya did, Pat. Sayin' goodbye is always hard. C'mon, let's git some ice cream? Dat will cheer ya up."

Patrick grew a weak smile as they passed by Mr. Krabs, who was walking his worm on a leash.

"Good day, lads." He waved at them.

"Howdy, Mr. Krabs." Sandy returned the favor.

Humming happily, Krabs and his worm entered a building and a few moments later, Krabs walked out, still humming but also carrying a bag of money over his back.

"So long, Mr. Doodles!" he said goodbye and went on his merry way, whistling some old chantey.

We zoom out to see the disheveled building sporting a big sign saying "Worm Fighting Ring".

A police car parked in front of it and Officer John and Officer Nancy came out, sporting stern looks before smiling excitedly and holding up wads of cash.

"C'mon, the show's about to start!" the female cop exclaimed and rushed in, followed by her partner.


This turned out better than I thought it would. Season 2 of this fic has been pretty rough and slow, as I just haven't been feeling as inspired as I was when I originally started it. I wasn't even thinking of tackling any of the select few stinkers from the Hillenburg era but I ultimately opted to do "The Great Snail Race" next, because fixing this episode was, in my opinion, incredibly easy. It just needed an epilogue.

Out of the generally accepted "bad episodes" from the Hillenburg era, I think "The Great Snail Race" is honestly the least bad. As a matter of fact, I think this episode works pretty well…until it crashes and burns during the final third, much like poor Gary himself. The episode has a lot of great jokes, including the iconic "Squidward Tortellini" gag. The plot is unique and solid, especially since it's one of the few instances where SpongeBob gets mad at and vindictive towards Squidward, due to the latter personally offending him. In "Employee of the Month", it was because Squidward belittled SpongeBob's passion for his job and work ethic, and here, it's because Squidward mocked his pet. SpongeBob is undeniably a huge jerk in this, but it feels justified in the story.

Where it falls apart is the ending. Besides Gary's horrifying crash, which is needlessly graphic and drawn-out and honestly feels like something straight out of seasons 6-7, the ending doesn't resolve anything and just kind of peters out. SpongeBob realizes he did wrong but he hardly offers any kind of apology to Gary, let alone try to make it up to his snail, and instead, Gary gets all better via a cliché last-minute hook-up with Snellie, which was painfully predictable and sloppily executed. And SpongeBob doesn't receive any major comeuppance for his misdeeds (besides getting his butt kicked by Sandy, which was pretty funny, XD). Honestly, this episode could have had a good message about unintentional pet abuse, with both Squidward and SpongeBob callously mistreating their snails in different ways, just to satisfy their own egos, but it didn't do it.

And to you humor-impaired readers, I ain't trying to make some grand feminist statement with Sandy here, this is just another joke (much like the "lady" brick joke in the original). And I know SpongeBob has little to no continuity, especially at this point in its history, but I thought these were humorous and in-character explanations for why Rocky, Snellie, and Mr. Doddles all went MIA, so I went with it. Plus, just focusing on SpongeBob and Squidward getting punished would have made the chapter too short and lacking in substance.