A/N: Hi, guys! Boy, it's been awhile, hasn't it? I wanted to push this chapter out sooner, but college always comes first, and I didn't want to publish some half-assed chapter, hence the long delay. The next 1-2 updates should be as usual, but by the end of January/beginning of February I'll have my semester finals so there will be no updates during that time period. For now, please enjoy this chapter!

Anyway, Merry Christmas to you all! I wish you all to have happy holidays, and remember to spend them with your families!

Enjoy the chapter!

Replies to the latest reviews:

Chapter 38:

Rock Raider: You were awfully close, but it's slightly different. And Toffee has already won; you'll see soon enough.

Chapter 39:

Bedrock Armor: Sadly, that wasn't an actual update :P.

RoaringWall: Yeah, things are going to be very hectic this year, but I'll manage.

Rock Raider: VERY much is in store! I can say with near certainty that I have the most expansive plot in the svtfoe fanfiction universe!

Guest: Either I make it happen or I don't. That's up for me to decide. But I'm sure that you'll be happy in the end.

Chapter 40:

Rock Raider: Yes, next time, which is in about 2-3 days.

Beta read by ElleFreak.

Story cover by Luzz015. Be sure to check her out on DeviantArt!


Star vs. The Forces of Evil: Staring it up!

Chapter 7

The Royal Wimps

Part 5 (B)

"Commander Toffee! Commander Toffee!"

Toffee sighed irritably and put down the cup of tea he'd been peacefully drinking just a moment ago. Through the opening of his tent rushed the owner of the frantic, squeaky voice, one of his many goblin scouts. While the small monsters were of little to no use in combat, they did make for excellent scouts as their diminutive stature allowed them to crawl into the narrowest of gaps and hide in the most unconventional of places without ever having to fret about being spotted.

Toffee stood up from his classy and comfy chair and offered the spot to the panting goblin, who'd probably run the entire length of the way to convey whatever information he had to his commander. The small creature hesitantly accepted the offered seat, as though this was some cruel test to see whether he was stupid and daring enough to take away the seat that rightfully belonged to his superior. That worry melted away as he sunk into the soft armchair, feeling as though he were sitting on a cloud of the softest wool known to both man and monster.

Toffee picked up the beige porcelain tea-can and poured a cup full of tea, which he offered to the goblin.

"Thank you, commander Toffee," the green creature said as he accepted the fragile cup filled with the steamy, hot, herbal liquid and carefully took a sip so he wouldn't burn his tongue.

After a time of silence, Toffee asked, "What have you learnt, Mizzik?"

Surprised and somewhat taken aback that Toffee had remembered his name, the name of a common and expendable scout, the goblin looked flustered as he gazed at Toffee with eyes as big as plates.

"Um..."

"Go on, just say what you have to say."

The small goblin nodded, and spoke, "We- I've gathered some, um, information that will please you, commander Toffee. While scouting in the vicinity of sector 11, I came across the most interesting sight. I saw an assemblage of mewman nobles sitting on the outskirts of the castle, out in the open! What's more, the King and Queen themselves were present at the event, along with 'the one'!"

"Hmm..." Toffee didn't seem particularly taken aback by the sudden news, which would have had any other leader shaking with excitement at the thought of having the advantage over his opponents without them even realizing it. Then again, he was always a step ahead. Instead, he calmly took another sip of tea as he contemplated the report and ran through the list of options that were now available to him, seeing as how he was one step ahead of the mewmans.

Toffee sat the cup of tea down onto the table and walked out of his tent wordlessly. The goblin rushed after him and soon caught up.

"What are we going to do?" the tiny monster asked as he walked beside Toffee, taking three steps for each one of Toffee's in an attempt to keep up with the tall lizard, who responded lazily.

"We're going to attack them while we have the element of surprise on our side. How many guardsmen were you able to identify?"

"I counted six in total, plus that traitor, Bulgolyubov!"

"That's a very scarce number. Scarce indeed... How were they dressed?"

"Four were dressed like normal soldiers."

"Alright. And the other two?"

"Armour from head to toe."

"What kind?"

"Looked like reinforced plating."

"They were knights, then," Toffee concluded. It was rare to see a pair of knights outside the mewman castle, which meant that the mewmans still thought that Toffee and his horde of monsters were farther away from the castle than they were in reality.

Mewman knights are fearsome warriors, but even the strongest warrior will fall if opposed by an entire army.

"Do you remember the way, Mizzik?"

"Always!"

"Then tell our forces to rally around my tent in 5 minutes. We march at once!"

"Yes, commander Toffee!"

With those words, the goblin began running from monster to monster, relaying Toffee's orders to each one. Toffee disappeared into his tent, sat down in his comfy armchair and poured himself another cup of tea.

"Honestly, a lizard can't even enjoy a good cup of tea these days," he mumbled indignantly and he took a sip of the hot, herbal drink, and sighed. "What has the world come to?"

At the trial:

"What manner of nonsense are you spewing!" River yelled, aiming a glare at Sir Lorkins, who looked at the diminutive king with a flustered expression. "This was never a challenge!"

"Sir Lorkins!" Moon exclaimed angrily, glaring at the announcer.

"What?"

"Be mindful of your phrasing! You're misleading the boy and everyone present at this event!"

"I beg your pa-" Lorkins cut himself short and giggled awkwardly. "You're right, my Queen. My bad..." Sir Lorkins cleared his throat and corrected his earlier mistake. "I meant to say a battle with the deaf champion swordsman of Mewni, Sir Lotkame. My sincerest apologies to you all." Everyone stared at him silently. Sir Lorkins raised his arms in a fake-cheerful fashion and exclaimed, "Yay! Homophones, everyone! Aren't they fantastic?"

Marco stood there, dumbfounded. Did this mean that he wouldn't have to potentially kill someone?

Or the other way around...

Sir Lorkins, as if having heard his thoughts, spoke up.

"In short, there will be no deaths this day."

Lady Maizewall and the majority of the gathered mewmans grumbled and groaned, disappointed at the lame turn of events, whereas Marco let out a long sigh of relief and brushed a drop of sweat from his forehead.

Sir Lorkins waited for a time to let things settle down a bit, then cleared his throat and said with a booming voice, "Without further ado, I present to you Mewni's champion swordsman who has yet to be bested by any, man, woman or monster - apart from that one guy - Sir Lotkame!"

With those words, the crowd erupted into a loud cheer anew. They clapped, whistled and hollered loudly; some even threw their hats into the air, like a group of graduates. Marco tensed up, his safe-kid instincts telling him that, despite the favourable outcome of the misunderstanding of the third and final trial, a tough challenge awaited him yet.

It was only after a full minute that the audience's euphoria died out. Despite Sir Lorkins's announcement, a legendary swordsman had yet to present themselves before them.

"I said," Sir Lorkins said, louder this time, "Introducing our champion swordsman, Sir Lotkame!"

Silence befell the audience again and everyone began looking around confusedly. The nobles soon began mumbling something among one another and shaking their heads disapprovingly at Lorkins. After calling the champion swordsman for a third consecutive time and looking like an unorganised fool, Lorkins's patience finally evaporated and erupted in a violent explosion.

"I said, introducing Sir Lotkame!" Lorkins shouted at the top of his lungs, scaring the nearby wildlife as birds fled the safety of their nests to escape the roaring lunatic. Even the people present seemed startled by Lorkins's sudden outburst. As there was still no sign of the swordsman in question, Lorkins lost it.

"For the love of sweetcorn! Where is that old scarecrow!?"

"Oh, shut up! I heard you the first time, I did!" responded a cranky, aged and rugged voice from amid the audience. The crowd parted in half to reveal an old, hunched-over mewman male, with a grey beard whose tip reached the ground and more folds on his skin than a blanket on an unmade bed.

The old man, with the help of a wooden walking cane, slowly limped forward, step by step. He stopped a few feet short in front of Marco, who was looking at him with a blank expression.

"Hmm..." Sir Lotkame mulled something over as he analysed Marco from head to toe, squinting as his vision was not what it had been several decades ago. He lifted his cane upwards and tapped Marco on the head experimentally.

"Ouch!" Marco whined, rubbing his forehead and glaring at the old man in irritation.

Sit Lotkame ignored Marco's protest towards his actions and continued eying him for a time, then voiced the conclusion he'd established with a smile on his cracked lips.

"You're a tough one, you are!"

"Oh, uh, thank you."

"...what?" Sir Lotkame placed a hand on his right ear. "Could you speak up, sunny?"

"I said thank you!"

"No need to shout at me! I heard you the first time, I did!" Sir Lotkame said angrily and walked past Marco to greet Queen Moon, each one of his limpy steps supported by his wooden cane.

As if the rules were suddenly turned upside-down, the royal couple bowed before the elderly swordsman.

"It is a great honour meeting you in person, Sir Lotkame."

"...what?"

"I said-" Moon silenced River by placing a hand over his mouth rapidly. She knew what would follow should her husband speak more loudly, and she'd grown weary of people shouting for no reason.

Moon smiled graciously at the man before her and knelt down so that she was on eye-level with him. She leant in closely and her lips nearly touched the nub of his right ear as she spoke, "We are thankful and honoured that you for agreed to partake in this sparring match with Mewni's future prince."

"The pleasure is all time, my Queen. Besides, I haven't had a good workout in ages! These old bones do need some exercise from time time. I just hope the boy can offer me some."

Both looked at Marco, who waved at them awkwardly, feeling jitters run through his body.

"He'll be up to the task. I hope..."

The two were interrupted by Lorkins, who cleared his throat and spoke proclaimingly, "Will you please tell Sir Lotkame to fetch his weapon of choice and ready himself for the sparring match, my Queen?"

Moon did as requested, and Sit Lotkame laughed loudly.

"My dear Queen, I'm already holding my weapon!"

To elaborate his statement, the old man tapped the round bulb at the top of his walking cane several times.

"Ol' Gretta and I have been partners for over ninety years! I haven't used any other armament than her since my tenth grandchild was born!"

"Why is he your champion swordsman if he doesn't even use a sword? How does that make any sense!?" Janna muttered to a nobleman standing next to her as she kept observing the events from within the crowd of nobles, dressed as one thanks to the stuff she'd nicked from them throughout the day.

Marco waited patiently for Sir Lotkame to walk over to him and a slow and gradual pace. Despite the old man's hunched over posture and seemingly fragile appearance, Marco had seen enough kung-fu movies in his life to know that the physical appearance of a warrior means close to nothing, and he knew very well that movies never lied about that kind of stuff.

Sit Lotkame grabbed one of Marco's hands unexpectedly and mumbled out an audible "hmm" as he examined it carefully. Marco allowed the elderly man to finish his examination, albeit it did make him feel a tad uneasy.

"These hands have seen combat plenty of times," he asserted, looking up at Marco who was a head taller than him. "Do you often fight?"

Marco mimicked Queen Moon by leaning in very closely to the old man's ear and spoke louder than usual.

"Uh, yeah. Star and I often fight monsters, plus I train karate."

Lotkame nodded approvingly, pleased with Marco's answer.

"Good. And do you trust yourself with protecting our princess?"

"Of course!" Marco declared boldly. "I'd never let anything happen to her. She's my best friend."

"And do you plan on taking on the responsibilities of being a king wholeheartedly? Not everyone is up to the challenge, you know."

"Yeah but, um, not to sound rude or anything but, um, why exactly are you asking me these questions?"

"With dreams to be a king first one should be a man," Lotkame said flatly, having ignored Marco's inquiry. "Are you a man?"

The two were interrupted by Sir Lorkins, who approached them closely enough so that even Sir Lotkame could hear him.

"I'd hate to disrupt your conversation, but we must proceed with the final trial. Mother will be upset if I'm not home for dinner." Sir Lorkins turner to Marco, who gathered all of his willpower to not laugh at Lorkins's statement, and spoke, "Which weapon are you most familiar with, Marco? A sword, perhaps? Or a pair of bodkins? Or are you perchance fond of battleaxes or warhammers? Or maybe-"

He was cut off by Lotkame, who spoke while looking at Marco.

"I think the boy would prefer to use his bare hands in combat. Or am I mistaken?"

Marco shook his head.

"No, I normally use my hands when fighting monsters. I've never really used an actual weapon."

"How distasteful," Lady Maizewall muttered to herself, mumbling going unheard by anyone else. Lorkins, Marco and Lotkame continued with their discussion.

"Very well," said Lorkins. "As you wish, Marco." He turned to Sir Lotkame and spoke much louder so that the old man would hear him. "Sir Lotkame, your weapon of choice is your cane, right?"

"She's called Gretta," Lotkame swiftly corrected him. "Yes, I'll use her."

"Alright. The rules are simple; whoever is incapable of continuing the fight first or concedes the fight is the winner. No breaking each other's bones; no foul language, we are civilised, after all; no blows under the belt; no throwing dynamite around and calling it a martial art; oh, and no using the audience members are living shields. Understood?"

Both participants nodded affirmingly.

"Very well then," Lotkame said aloud. "Please walk ten paces away from each other." Marco and Lotkame did as instructed, and Lorkins continued, "Now, without further delay, may the strongest combatant win! Gentlemen, you may begin!"

Marco took a deep, calming breath, exhaled heavily, then assumed a defensive position, his eyes focused solely on the opponent before him. Sir Lotkame, on the other hand, was much more relaxed and even had a smile plastered on his aged, wrinkly face. He hummed to himself as he approached Marco, step by little step. He stopped around halfway and said, "Are you going to make an old man like me walk over to you? My legs aren't what they used to be, you know."

Marco narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the man. Something about he lighthearted smile and his way of speaking was setting off numerous alarms in his head. It felt as though he was being baited into a trap of some sorts.

Marco stood still for a time, then reluctantly lowered his guard and approached the old man with great caution. His senses kept screaming at him to watch the man's every move, as though he'd pounce on him, like a cat after an unsuspecting mouse. His worries got the better of him and he nearly bumped into Lotkame before coming to an abrupt halt.

The elderly man chuckled merrily.

"You're the cautious type. Good. That'll keep you alive," he said, looking pleased. Marco nodded briefly in appreciation of the man's remark, then assumed a defensive stance by placing one foot forward and taking a step backwards with the other while spreading his shoulders wide and raising his arms defensively in front of his body, clenching both of his hands into solid fists that were angled upwards. Focus was written in his eyes as he waited for his opponent to strike.

"Monsters!"

A cry of terror sounded from one of the guardsmen as he emerged from the nearby forest and grabbed everyone's attention. He ran frantically towards the rest of his companions but was stopped in his tracks as an arrow pierced his throat, the bloody tip of the arrow through the front of his throat and the man collapsed onto the ground, dead on the spot.

The nobles sat frozen upon their seats, their mouth agape and their eyes the size of plates.

Moon was the first to move, rushing towards Marco and Sir Lotkame while ordering the nobles to remain seated and calling the remaining guardsmen to her side.

"What's going on!?" Marco exclaimed frantically, a sudden panic overtaking him.

"We're under attack if it wasn't obvious enough!" Moon said, irritated by the boy's ignorance and frustrated that the monsters had picked now of all times to launch their attack.

The knights and guardsmen and Buff Frog were by her side at a moment's notice and awaited her instructions. While Moon relayed her orders to them, which involved evacuating the nobles and helping her fend off the monsters, Marco Spotted King River carrying the body of the fallen soldier on his back. He knew that the small king was fast and strong, but, even so, the speed at which he'd recovered the body was impressive, even for him. River laid the body down a few feet away from Marco and tested the man's pulse, then murmured something under his breath and stood up and walked over to Marco.

"Well, boy," River began, "Looks like your third trial is going to have to wait a bit longer! Go to the nobles and flee with them to the castle, you should be safe there and-"

"No way! I'm staying right here!" Marco said firmly, determined to help fend off the incoming attack in any way he could.

"Absolutely not!" Moon shouted, having overheard Marco. She had evidently finished giving orders to the men and was now stomping over to Marco with a dangerous look on her face. "I will not allow you to partake in this battle, Marco! What if something happens to you!?"

"I could say the same thing about you!" Marco retorted, surprising the queen. "There's, like, only a handful of soldiers here to help you! Face it; you need all the capable heads you can get!"

Moon growled furiously at him.

"Listen, Marco, I will not allow-"

"Oh, let the boy do it."

Moon looked down at the owner of the voice that had dared to cut in on her command. It was Sir Lotkame, who was smiling pleasantly.

"The boy looks like the stubborn type. You won't talk him out of it, no matter how hard you try." He looked at Marco and winked at him, to which Marco responded with a friendly smile. As Moon was about to protest, a warhorn thundered in the distance and she could see the shadowy silhouettes of monsters emerging from the surrounding forest.

"Also," Lotkame continued in a friendly manner, "It doesn't look like you have the time to argue about this with him, do you?"

Moon blinked twice, then sighed irritably, signalling her surrender. She looked at Marco, shook her head disapprovingly. "If you die, I will personally kill you!" she told him before rushing off towards the assembly of fleeing nobles. She would be serving as their last line of defence, should it come to that.

"Great! What should I do?" Marco said just as an arrow missed his head by the skin of his teeth and buried itself into the ground.

"Didn't you hear the queen?" Lotkame asked with sarcasm in his voice as he removed his long-sleeved shirt to reveal a very muscular and well-built body underneath it, which was commendable, considering how old he was. River, too, tore off his clothes, exposing his muscular chest and arms, and tied a loose piece of torn blue cloth around his forehead. Both looked at Marco expectingly, who raised his hands defensively.

"No thanks. I prefer to fight with my clothes on my body..."

"Your loss," River mumbled and turned away from Marco, then grinned eagerly and cracked his knuckles as he saw the first monster, a giant troll with a club, emerge from the trees and let loose a menacing roar.

"Let's kick some butt!" River proclaimed with fire in his eyes and charged at the beast without so much as giving it a moment of thought.

"You sure you want to do this?" Lotkame asked Marco. "Now's your last chance to back away and let us handle it. Are you sure you're ready?"

"Honestly, no," Marco admitted with a nervous grin. "But I've got a feeling that if I don't do this, Star will never let me live it down. And she'll probably wanna divorce me before we're even officially married..."

Lotkame chuckled loudly at the boy's remark.

"Hah! I'm starting to like you, boy! Just make sure that you don't die by the end of this. I've still got a score to settle with you, after all! Haha!"

Marco nodded once and took a calming breath as he turned to watch River knock the giant troll out with a single punch.

At that moment, a single thought crossed Marco's mind.

I am screwed.

To be continued...


Chapter end notes: I hope you all liked it! Don't worry, the next update will come shortly! Anyway, remember to leave a review and a favourite, and see you next time!

Bye!

Expected update: 2-3 days