Everyone's tired when they get back, and they disperse to their rooms. Dean sees Cas go with Jack. Eileen is with Sam. When Dean gets into his room, he just stands there. It's quiet. He glances at his desk, and the book Cas lent him is open and face down. Sam hates when Dean keeps books like that. He hadn't meant to leave it for so long. There's a half-empty beer bottle on his nightstand. It almost doesn't feel real that he's back. It's like not even a day has passed. But it's been over two months. Two whole months are gone. And Dean isn't even sure if he wants to be back here. Dread settles heavy in his stomach, and he clenches his hands into fists.
What is he even going to do tomorrow? And the day after that? …Probably what he's always done. Hunt. But now…but now things are different. He's probably going to be hunting alone. Was it all really worth it for this?
Someone quietly knocks on his door, snapping Dean out of his thoughts. Dean quickly walks over and opens his door and is surprised to see Sam. He was expecting Cas.
"Hey," Sam says. He still looks tired.
"Hey."
"Is Eileen with you?" Dean asks.
"No. She, uh, she left."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
They both stare at each other for a moment. The fluorescent lights in the hallway buzz quietly.
Sam asks, "Can I come in?"
"Yeah," Dean replies while opening the door.
The second Sam steps into his room, he pulls Dean into a hug. Dean stiffens at first then returns Sam's embrace. Sam holds Dean tighter than he has in a long time. Dean's beginning to think they're hugging for too long when Sam finally takes a step back. He's staring at Dean.
"Dean," he says softly. He brushes a strand of hair from his face. It falls back. "What happened?"
Dean frowns. "What do you mean?"
"How—" Sam's voice wavers. "How did they get you?"
Oh. Well…this is awkward. And completely his fault. And incredibly stupid. Dean shrugs and looks down at his feet. "I was just bein' dumb, I guess."
"And then you kept being dumb?" Sam's louder this time.
Dean looks up sharply. "What?"
"Dean, it was two months." Sam's rapidly blinking back tears. "Were you even trying to get away from them?"
"Of course I was!" It isn't a lie. Dean wasn't trying his hardest to get away, but he wasn't giving up. He still put up somewhat of a fight when they fed on him. Well…most of the time. …Maybe he did give up a little.
"Don't." Sam's voice is thick with emotion. "Don't lie to me, Dean."
And—because it's the only thing he can let himself feel without breaking down—he's angry. Dean glares and says, "Then what do you want me to say, Sam? Seems like anything I'll say will be the wrong answer."
"Dean." Sam turns away and runs a hand through his hair. He quickly wipes tears from his eyes. His hands are shaking.
Dean's blood runs cold. Something is seriously wrong. Everything in him shifts into protective brother mode. "Sam?" Dean steps closer, voice softer. "Hey, look at me."
Sam's eyes are bloodshot and shine with tears. "You really don't get it, do you?"
"Get what, Sam?"
"Why I'm so upset."
"No, no. I get it. I was stupid. I shouldn't have le—"
"Dean, I thought you were dead." Sam's staring at him intently. There's too much pain in his eyes. And Dean hates that he knows exactly what kind of pain it is. It's the haunted look Sam gets when he thinks about the people they've lost.
Dean can't look at his brother anymore. Maybe if he acts nonchalant, Sam won't be as upset. So Dean shrugs and looks at floor and says, "Almost was."
"And—" Sam's voice breaks. "And you're okay with that?"
Dean looks up and steadily meets Sam's gaze. "It's been a long time coming, Sam. We both know it's gonna end like this for me."
"No. No." Sam steps closer. Almost too close. "Maybe that was the case when Chuck was in power, but he's gone, Dean. It's over. We're in charge now. If you want to die on a hunt then—then, fine. That's your decision." Sam swallows and fixes him with a look. "But you can also choose something else."
"Oh, yeah? Like what?"
"Like anything."
Dean rolls his eyes. "Yeah, okay."
"Like Cas." And Sam is looking at him harshly. He won't look away.
Dean huffs and glances at the wall behind Sam. "Dude, Cas is moving away with Jack." When he looks back at his brother, Sam is still looking at him with the same firmness as before.
"Okay," Sam says. "Then go with him."
Sam makes it seem so simple. It's never simple. Dean doesn't get simple. He doesn't deserve it either. Dean glares. "He didn't ask me to go with him."
"You didn't ask to join him either."
"Okay, fine, whatever," Dean dismisses.
Sam sighs in resignation. He knows he lost this one. "Dean?"
And, dammit, it's the pleading tone that never fails to get Dean to do whatever Sam wants. "What?"
"I can't—" He takes in a deep breath. "I can't lose you, okay? Not after everything. We've fought so hard for this. There's no one else I want here with me."
Dean raises his eyebrows. "Not even Eileen."
A shy smile spreads over Sam's face. "Well, yeah, that would be nice, but…no one can replace you, Dean. You're my brother. And you're all I've ever had. I'm not giving you up."
Now it's Dean's turn to fight back tears. "Sam…" But he doesn't know what to say.
But Sam does apparently. "I know it's supposed to be easy now, but…I dunno. It's just so different. And…and it's like a different kind of hard. We're not fighting monsters all the time like we used to, but…I guess regular life is kinda hard too. And I know it hasn't been easy for you. And…it hasn't been easy for me either. I know I've tried to leave the life before, but now I… Dean, I have no clue what I'm doing. I just know I want something better than this. And I want it for you too."
Dean's throat is tightening, and he tries to swallow to relieve the tension. It doesn't work. He nods. "Okay." Dean sniffs. "And you think…" He wipes away a couple stray tears. "You think we can do this? Live regular lives?"
Sam smiles. "God, I sure hope so."
Dean chuckles. "Yeah, me too. And…" He stops.
"And what?"
Dean swallows. "I think you were right when you said regular life is hard too."
"Yeah." Sam's smiling, but there are a few tears on his cheeks. He wipes them away for a few seconds. Eventually, he says, "I don't think I can sleep tonight. Wanna watch something?"
Dean doesn't know how he has a brother as good as Sam. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."
Dean and Sam fell asleep on the couch. They watched a couple movies then discovered a really shitty reality tv show and couldn't stop watching. But now Dean's back hurts. He woke up when Sam woke up. It was too early. He tried to go back to sleep but couldn't, so now he's making coffee, and it isn't even 8am yet.
"Dean!" Jack says excitedly. Dean didn't even hear the kid walk up. "You're awake so early."
Dean points at the coffee machine and tries to say, "coffee first" but it sounds more like "mmmff."
"Oh. Yeah," Jack says. "You need coffee to wake up because you're old."
Dean turns at that, and is about to start a very intellectual argument because he can function without coffee, and he isn't old, but then Jack is hugging him. He squeezes Dean tightly before letting go and wandering further into the kitchen. Dean blinks. What the hell just happened?
The coffee maker beeps, causing Dean to jump. "Son of a bitch," he mutters. Maybe he is getting old.
Dean pours himself a cup of coffee and sits next to Jack, who's pouring the super sugary cereal into a big bowl. Jack pours the milk next and splashes some onto the table. Dean's still too tired to care and idly watches Jack make a mess while he sips on his coffee. As Dean continues to drink and slowly wake up, he notices Jack keeps looking at him.
"Something on your mind, Jack?"
Jack swallows his cereal. "Well, I was thinking—and you don't have to answer right away—but I was thinking, maybe, if you wanted to, you could live in the new house with me and Castiel."
"You guys found a house?"
"Not yet, but we're still looking. You can also come look with us. But only if you want to."
Apparently Dean's still waking up, and Jack's words finally sink in. "Wait, you want me to live with you guys?"
"Yes."
"And Cas agreed to this?"
"Oh. Well…" Jack's eyes skate around the room. "I haven't told him yet." He quickly adds, "But I'm sure he'll say yes."
"But, wait. So…wait, you want me to live with you?"
Jack frowns. "Do you need more coffee?"
"Huh? What? No. I just—why?"
"Well, caffeine makes you wake up faster."
Dean chuckles. "No, I meant why do you want me to live with you?"
Jack stares into his cereal and swirls his spoon around. He scoots up further in his chair. "I…" he begins quietly. He looks up. "I really missed you. When you were gone." Jack swallows then says, almost in a whisper, "Everyone thought you died."
Well, shit. Now Dean feels like an asshole. He knew if he died people would be sad. Of course that would happen. He's not stupid. He just didn't think everyone would care this much. He clears his throat. "Yeah, Jack, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let that happen."
"It's okay." And Jack genuinely sounds like it's okay. He doesn't sound angry at Dean at all. "I know it wasn't your fault. I guess it made me realize I still want to be close with you. And Castiel. And Sam. I…I talked to Sam when you were missing. I asked if he'd want to live next to us. He said yes. So, uh, Sam is gonna be there too. I guess you can live with him instead if you want."
"I wanna be with you. And Cas."
Jack's face brightens, and he smiles. "Okay, good. Me too. I was hoping you'd say that."
Dean smiles back. He somehow feels lighter. "Thanks for asking me, by the way."
"You're welcome."
"Guess we should tell Cas sometime, huh?"
Jack shrugs. "Or it can be a surprise."
Dean laughs.
Dean hates the weak whimper that escapes him when the next vampire sinks their teeth into his neck. Their fangs go right where the previous vampire's just were, and the pain is sharp and familiar. The ground is cold and hard, and Dean pulls against the chains. The skin on his wrists is so raw. He thinks it might completely rub off someday.
The vampire drinking from him sinks its fangs even deeper, and Dean tries to pull away. The vampire grabs onto his neck with an iron grip. Dean struggles to breathe. And the vampire keeps drinking. It's going to drink all of Dean's blood. Dean is suddenly sure of this. Dean struggles more, but his movements are restricted. He feels like a fish uselessly flopping on the ground. The grip on his neck tightens, and his vision begins to fade.
This is it. This is how he's going to die.
Dean wakes up with a gasp, his hand automatically reaching under his pillow and grabbing his gun. He pulls it out and points it at the dark room. His blood is roaring so loudly in his ears that he can't hear anything else. Panic grips his chest, and the image of Charlotte standing in the corner of his room pops into his head. Dean turns on the lamp with one hand and keeps the gun pointed with his other.
The room is empty.
Dean breaths in deeply, forcing himself to calm down. He's alone. He flicks the gun's safety back on and slips it under his pillow. He lays down on his back and shifts uncomfortably. His shirt is sticking to the sweat on his back. He takes in another deep breath and presses his palms into his eyes. He's alone. Everything is fine. Nothing is here to hurt him. Dean opens his eyes and stares up at the ceiling.
The silence is deafening.
He can't be alone anymore.
He should've had a drink before bed. Or several.
Dean sits up and yanks the covers off himself. The floor is cool to his bare feet. He crosses the room and opens his door.
Something is staring at him.
Dean immediately jumps back and reaches for his waistband for a gun that isn't there.
It's Cas.
The angel is leaning against the wall opposite Dean's room.
Dean releases a breath in relief. "Jesus, Cas, you scared the shit out of me."
"I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't mean to startle you." Cas pushes off the wall.
Dean's adrenaline is still racing, and he blurts without thinking, "Were you just standing there? Wait, were you looking at my room?"
Cas freezes. "I…" His eyes don't meet Dean's. "Yes."
"Oh. Uh, okay. Why?"
Cas swallows. He looks at his feet. Then the wall behind Dean. His eyes drift and finally settle on Dean's. "I wanted to make you sure you were alright. You were missing for so long, and I…" He trails off. "I suppose this is just an excuse." He looks back down at the floor.
Cas is worried about him.
Dean's beating heart finally seems to calm down a little, and the blood roaring in his ears dies down. He's still a bit too shaken to think about why he likes the idea of Cas worrying about him and watching out for him, so he ignores it and takes a step closer and places a hand on Cas' shoulder. "Cas, it's okay."
Cas looks up at him skeptically with narrowed eyes.
And that look is so familiar and endearing that Dean can't help but smile. "Really, it's fine," Dean reassures.
"It's not…creepy?"
Dean shrugs. Cas' uncertainty is adorable. "I mean, maybe a little."
"Oh. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."
"Yeah, but I have a feeling I wasn't supposed to find out."
Cas looks away.
"This isn't your first time doing this, is it?" Dean ducks his head to try and catch Cas' eyes.
"Dean, I apologize. I know yo—"
The idea of Cas waiting out here to ensure he's okay makes Dean giddy. A wild idea pops into his head, and before he can second-guess himself, Dean moves his hand down from Cas' shoulder to his wrist and tugs the angel back towards his room.
"What—" Cas starts.
"Just c'mere." Dean pulls Cas into his room and closes the door behind them. He glances at Cas, and the angel is staring at him with wide eyes. Dean grins at him before walking over to his desk and pulling the chair out from under it. "Here. Now you can get a front row seat to all the fun."
Cas blinks before slowly walking towards Dean. "Dean, are you sure?"
Dean shrugs. "Yeah, you might as well be in here since you can't actually see anything from out there."
"Who says I couldn't see you from out there? I am an angel, Dean. I have heightened senses."
"Well, for one, I'm pretty sure I'd know if you could see through walls by now, and, two, I woke up pointing my gun at nothing, so that would've caught your attention."
"You what?"
Ah, shit. He shouldn't have said that.
"Nothing, I'm fine, everything's fine," Dean quickly says.
"Dean." Cas steps closer. His blue eyes are filled with concern. He tentatively raises a hand up to Dean's face. He searches Dean's eyes for half a moment before gently cupping his palm to Dean's cheek.
Dean's eyes flutter shut at the touch. Cas is so warm.
Cas comments, "You do seem a bit pale." Cas' thumb gently traces just below Dean's lower lip. "And your skin is clammy."
Dean opens his eyes. He swallows. "No, yeah, you're right."
Cas looks surprised at Dean's admission and takes his hand away. Dean mourns the loss.
Dean continues, "I, uh…I guess I can't sleep."
"Would you like me to put you to sleep?"
"Uh…"
"Dean, I don't mind."
"But you'll stay?"
Fuck. He hadn't meant to say that out loud. Why can't he keep his damn mouth shut? What's wrong with him?
"Stay?" Cas asks.
Dean swallows. He might as well commit. He's gone this far. "You'll stay in here?"
"If that's what you'd like."
Dean nods. "Uh, yeah. It is. I'd like that." He inwardly cringes at how awkward he is.
Cas smiles softly. "Then I'll stay. Can you lay down for me?"
Dean nods again and quickly gets under the covers. He looks up at Cas, and Cas is still smiling at him. Dean has no clue why. He must look completely ridiculous right now. Like some little kid all tucked in his bed waiting for his mom to give him a goodnight kiss.
Not like Dean wouldn't mind a goodnight kiss from Cas, but—
Cas is standing over him. Gently, he says, "Goodnight, Dean." He taps Dean on the forehead, and Dean is instantly asleep.
Dean slowly wakes. He's first aware of the blankets surrounding him and his head on his pillow. He tries to fall back asleep, but his body seems determined to wake up. He moves one of his arms to feel more comfortable. He turns on his side and cracks his eyes open.
Cas is there. He's sitting on Dean's desk chair looking at him. He gives Dean a gentle smile.
Dean's eyes widen, and his sleepy brain struggles to make sense of what's happening. Then he realizes he doesn't care. He feels the most well-rested he's been in months. All soft and relaxed. He's comfortable in his bed. He could probably stay in bed all day if he really wanted to. And Cas is here, smiling at Dean like that. So, Dean can't help but smile in return.
"Mornin', sunshine." And Dean's voice is still rough from sleep. That can't be very attractive.
But Cas' smile widens. "Hello, Dean."
And it's… Dean isn't sure what. Something about the way Cas greets him like he always does. Like he's genuinely happy to see Dean. Or how Dean feels stress-free and peaceful from a good night's rest for the first time in practically forever. Dean just—God, he needs Cas.
Dean rolls onto his back and stretches. He thinks Cas will get up and leave soon. Dean rubs a hand over his face, and it's then that he realizes that Cas really stayed the whole night. Dean sits up and looks at the angel.
"You didn't really have to stay, man."
Cas shrugs. "You asked me to. And I…I wanted to."
And, oh boy. This is going to be the highlight of Dean's year. Cas wanting stay the night. It sounds dirty, but it's actually way sweeter than that. It might even mean more that Cas wanted to stay and watch him instead of wanting to stay just to sleep with him. Not like Cas would ever want that, but…
Dean feels his face heat up. "Oh, uh, thanks." And he doesn't know what else to say, so he awkwardly picks at a loose thread on his blanket.
"Jack texted me earlier. I think I'm going to join him in the kitchen." Cas suddenly adds, "If that's alright."
Dean's face still feels hot, and he chuckles. "Yeah, of course it's alright. You don't have to stay in here just because I asked."
Cas smiles again. "Yes, I know."
Dean feels his own smile grow, and it's all a bit much, so he grins down stupidly at his lap.
Cas says, "I'll be in the kitchen."
"Okay. Yeah." Dean winces. That was awkward.
Dean hears the door open and close. Then Cas is gone.
The relaxed, peaceful feeling lingers as Dean gets dressed. He brushes his teeth and combs his hair. He still feels relaxed when he walks into the kitchen. Jack and Cas are sitting at the same side of the table. Sam is leaning against the counter and drinking a smoothie.
"Mornin'," Dean greets and walks over to the coffee maker.
"So you're coming with us?" Sam asks.
Dean squints up at him in confusion.
"To go looking for a house," Sam elaborates. "Jack said you were."
"Oh, uh." Dean looks over at Jack. Jack is staring at him in anticipation. "Yeah, if that's okay with you guys."
Sam nudges Dean's arm and smiles. His eyes light up in excitement. "Yeah, dude, of course it's okay." He takes another drink of his smoothie and sets it on the counter. "I'm gonna shower then I'll be ready." As Sam leaves, Dean returns his attention to the coffee machine.
Dean hears a phone ring and Jack says, "Oh! It's Claire. I told her I'd facetime her today."
Cas replies, "Tell her hello from me."
"I will!" A chair scrapes, and Jack's footsteps fade away.
Dean finishes making his coffee and sits across from Cas.
Cas says, "Jack told me you were going to live with us." Cas' eyebrows are raised, and he's staring at Dean curiously.
Dean looks down at his mug. "Yeah." He brings it up to his lips and takes a long drink.
"Do you want to? Or is this something Jack wants?"
Dean takes another sip before answering, "Both, I guess." He still doesn't look at Cas.
Cas is silent for a moment. Then, quietly, he asks, "You really want to live with us?"
"Yeah, Cas. If that's alright with you." He finally looks up and locks eyes with Cas.
"And not with Sam?"
Dean huffs and looks down again. "Dude, if you don't want me to, you can te—"
"Dean, I'm just clarifying. I want to make sure I have this right."
"Well, you do." He drinks another sip of coffee, and with a confidence he doesn't have, Dean says, "I wanna be with you and Jack."
When Dean looks up, Cas is giving him this look. It isn't exactly surprise. It's more like awe. Like Cas can't believe Dean would want to live with him. And that Cas is thrilled with the idea. But…that can't be right, can it?
Dean shifts uncomfortably under Cas' gaze. "What?"
"I'm a bit surprised is all."
"Really? I'm like the most codependent person on the planet."
"Dean," Cas admonishes. "I meant I'm surprised you'd rather live me and Jack than Sam."
Dean shrugs. "Well, I've lived with him my entire life. Might as well shake things up a bit." Now that sounds like Dean doesn't want to live with Cas. Which isn't right. "And, uh, not really looking forward to third-wheeling with him and Eileen." And it still sounds like Dean doesn't want to be around Cas. "And I—you know—I like being around you." Well, this is a catastrophe.
Dean glances up, and Cas is still staring at him with that awe but now there's this…fondness there too.
Cas replies, "I like being around you too."
"Oh, cool," Dean responds lamely.
"Yes, I agree."
Dean laughs, and Cas smiles wider.
Dean wishes this moment would last forever.
A/N: Well, this turned out way longer than I was expecting it to. The next holiday I'm planning on doing is Sam's birthday, which is next week on May 2nd, so stayed tuned for that if you're interested. As always, thanks for reading!
