Chapter 69
Jack tore through the bushes, Locke's words like demons at his heels; he couldn't get away from them, they dogged his steps. Why couldn't he be happy? He never had been, really; when he healed Sara maybe, was the happiest time he could remember. Even when he married her he hadn't been content, doubts about why he was doing it had driven away any pleasure; in fact, as hard as he tried, he couldn't think of a single instance of prolonged happiness other than Sara's miracle.
Because he hadn't had any doubts. She was whole, healed; there was no question. It was perfect.
And that, in a nutshell, was it. Jack could only find happiness in perfection; it drove him to exhaustion, the need to live up to his father, to be what his father said he could never be. It was why he needed to fix things; every time he repaired someone's broken body he moved a step closer to erasing doubt from his heart and mind. Without the uncertainty holding him back he could be happy.
And then there were the Red Sox. Tears blinded him briefly; Christian would have hated to see them win, it would have proved him wrong and Jack right. His breath seized in his chest and he stopped cold, looking back towards the others; could Locke be right? If he was going to be sent a sign from his father, wouldn't the Sox winning the Series be it? He looked skyward, the stars twinkling at him merrily and whispered, "What are you trying to tell me, Dad?"
Locke spoke in his ear and he jumped; he had been far behind a few moments ago. "He's telling you that you don't have to be perfect."
For once Jack didn't get angry. "I don't follow, Locke." He hesitated, then said, "But I want to."
A gentle smile touched Locke's lips and he put his hand on Jack's shoulder; Jack was asking for help and he was ready to give it. "Okay, Jack," he said, "The Red Sox haven't won the Series in what, eighty something years? They were cursed, the fans said, and they tried everything under the sun to break that curse; as a result, the Sox have some of the most rabid fans in baseball. But those fans, the ones possesed by them, they suffer, because they eat, sleep and breathe their team. Their family. And they lose, and lose, and lose." Jack was nodding; he knew the feeling. "Those fans, they are meant to suffer. By virtue of being a fan they're just made that way, right? They love their suffering because it makes them special and it gives them a reason to come out and cheer harder next season, itdrives them." He lowered his voice, and said kindly, "Your father saw those things in you, Jack. You like to suffer because it drives you harder, and without that drive what are you? Just another man in a white coat?" Locke paused as Jack struggled with tears, and he shook his head, "Don't fight it, Jack. Emotions don't make you weak."
Swallowing his tears, Jack said, "I'm okay."
"Nobody is perfect, Jack, and nobody expectsyou to be. It isn't your destiny ."
Locke could see the sarcstic remark on the tip of Jack's tongue but he held it back, smiling weakly at him instead. "And what is my destiny, Locke?"
The bushes in front of them shook and they both drew their guns; Locke dropped his as Kate and Sawyer came strolling out of the trees. "Well, were just looking for you. We heard shots."
Sawyer grinned and hugged Kate's waist happily. "Freckles tried to kill me."
Jack sneered at her; he was still a little freaked out at her attacking Cassidy, and said, "Seems to be a trend with you lately. Too bad practice doesn't make perfect."
Kate snapped back, "I can always use an extra target, Jackass. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky."
Sawyer was already laughing at her use of 'Jackass' and he laughed even harder at the implication that Kate would get lucky with Jack. Grinning at her cockily he said, "Oh, you will, Freckles." His breath tickled her ear as he whispered, "Later."
Kate laughed, too, and kissed him; Jack turned away, disgusted, to find Locke staring at him, eyebrows raised. "Like I said, Jack. You don't have to suffer." Shrugging, he said to everyone, "Let's go back to the chapel, spend the rest of the night there."
With one last glare at the sickengly cozy Kate and Sawyer, Jack turned and disappeared back the way they had come; Locke smiled and said, "There were two shots, a long time apart. Did you try to kill him twice?"
Kate was grinning as she said, "Nah. I only tried to Ishoot/I him twice." Sawyer kissed her hungrily, acting as if John wasn't even there; when his hand slid up under Kate's shirt he'd had enough and he followed Jack back towards the chapel.
As he left Sawyer's eyes followed him until he disappeared, then he laughed against Kate's lips, sending them both into hysterics. "It worked, they're gone."
Kate hugged him, still giggling a little. "Good call, baby," she said, "How did you know it would gross them out enough to make them leave?"
He shrugged, his eyes shining at her in the starlight. "I knew it would work on Jacko, but I had my doubts about Kojak." He squeezed her, grinning, "I guess we're just revolting." They started to trail Locke and his arm draped itself over her shoulder as her fingers slid around his back, hooking themselves into his belt loops. They stayed behind the others, content with just themselves.
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Jack reached the others; they were waiting in a circle, Vincent close to Eko as he growled menacingly at Cassidy every few minutes. Eko was beginning to wonder about her; Vincent ususally liked everybody, and it wasn't because she was a stranger; he had taken to Ana and himself quickly. He supposed it might have something to do with Sawyer and he resolved to ask him about it when he could.
As Jack came into the clearing he went straight to Ana and kissed her; her eyes widedned in shock but she gave in without hesitation as his tongue traced her lips softly. He broke it off and without a word to anyone else he led her back towards the chapel, leaving Eko and Cassidy staring uncomfortably in their wake.
Locke came into the clearing, and noticing that Jack and Ana were both gone, he smiled. Maybe he had reached Jack a little tonight. He hoped so.
Eko looked concerned. "Where are Kate and Sawyer?"
"They're coming." The double meaning of his words were not lost on himself and he chuckled and shuddered at the same time. "They should be right behind me."
"Why was there shooting?" He wasn't as worried now that they were both alright.
"Kate tried to kill Sawyer, according to them." He smiled at Eko. "Somehow I don't think that it was exactly the truth." He scratched his head, chuckling again. "Although with those two itcould be true."
Cassidy was listening with interest. She wasn't done with Bonnie and Clyde yet, but she could bide her time. A good con required patience and attention to detail and so did revenge; she had learned that from Sawyer, too.
Locke eyed her with a little concern; her face looked horrible and he was sure she was in pain. "Are you okay? Come on, let's go back to the chapel and get some rest; we'll decide where to go from here tomorrow."
She was exhausted and still pretty scared; she looked at Locke in surprise. "What? We're not going back to your camp?"
Locke shook his head. "No, we have some business to attend to first." Smiling at the confused and worried look in her eye he said, "They took two of us, Walt and his father, Michael. We're trying to find them before...well, we're trying to find them." He didn't even want to articulate the possibility of what was happening to Michael; Walt was fine. "Come on, you need some sleep."
Smiling ruefully, Cassidy said, "I'm hoping I'm already asleep."
Gazing at her thoughtfully, John smiled and said, "Most of us already are, Cassidy; but I can tell you that being awake is so much better." He started back to the chapel, then stopped, waiting for her to join him; she did after a second's hesitation and he smiled genuinely at her. "Life is better with eyes open, Cass. Yousee so much more."
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Kate and Sawyer made it to the chapel long after everyone else was sleeping; they crept into the church silently and Kate peeked out into the garden; she shut the door quietly and grinned at Sawyer. "Sleeping like the bunch of babies they are," she said, and he chuckled softly, staring at her in the beams of moonlight that shone through the holes in the roof. God, I love you, Kate. "Eko and Vincent aren't there, I wonder where they are?"
Sawyer swept her up and said, "You worried about Ed or Fido?" He kissed her neck, nibbling it and goosebumps dimpled her skin as he growled softly, "You got somethin' for Rover? I bet he's got a doggy bone for you."
She shoved him away, disgusted. "Gross, Sawyer." She giggled anyway; she couldn't help it. His hair hung in his eyes and he was grinning at her playfully, dimples deepening as he chuckled.
"I thought you were only gonna call me James from now on," he teased, and her stomach lurched as she thought, He is mine. I can touch him, love him, have him any time I want. I did get lucky.
She threw herself on him and he caught her around the waist, lifting her up against him. "James would never suggest what you just did. So until I hear something a little more romantic- no, no, just something a little less repulsivefrom your mouth, Sawyer you will be."
He leaned into her ear and whispered, "I love you, Katherine. I don't want you to love any other dogs but me." His breath tickled her neck, bringing the goosebumps back, she shivered slightly and he held her closer, feeling the delicious beat of her heart against his chest.
She laughed and kissed him softly, wrapping her arms around his neck. "That's a little better, James.Andyou get points for honesty."
They were close to the fountain; it was still burbling merrily and the stars reflected in it, casting glowing sparks along the walls. Sawyer set Kate down and took her hand, leading her to the pool he sat on the edge, drawing her onto his lap. They just held each other for a few minutes, touching and caressing; Sawyer held one of Kate's hands in his, rubbing it gently as he stared into her eyes. Lifting it to his cheek he pressed it to his skin, feeling the sweaty warmth; he turned his head and kissed her palm, flicking his tongue against it, tasting the saltiness and making Kate gasp a little.
She reached under his chin and drew his face to hers; she kissed his forehead, then slid her mouth down to meet his; it was soft and sweet and they moved in and out of the moonshadows as the kiss grew stronger, more intense; Kate moaned and pressed against him and he lost his balance, flailing wildly as he toppled over into the water and knocking a couple of stones loose from the side of the pool. He spluttered as he shook the water from his eyes; the pool wasn't deep but he had made a hell of a splash and he noticed with satisfaction and a little lust that Kate had gotten wet too; her shirt stuck to her in a most alluring way, and the waterwas chilly.
She caught him staring and glanced down at her chest; rolling her eyes with disgust she crossed her arms, covering up as Sawyer grinned at her. "Freckles, I've seen 'em before, you know."
She giggled a little but didn't move her arms, and a wave of love washed over him; shy, modest Kate was an unusual side of her and he loved it, to see parts of her that no one else got to see, to have a Secret Kate who belonged to him alone. He held his hand out to her, grinning slyly. "You gonna help me out here, Kate? You know what cold water does to me."
"Do I ever." She reached out and grabbed his offered hand, expecting him to pull her in but he didn't; he levered himself out of the pool with her help and as he stood he pulled her tight against him, pressing their wet bodies together. Kate grinned and laughed teasingly, "I guess the water wasn't that cold."
"No, Freckles, the water was cold, but you ain't." He kissed her again, trailing his lips down her neck to his favorite spot at the base of her throat where he could feel her pulse; it was thumping wildly and he kissed her there, feeling her heart against his tongue. "You keep me warm, baby."
She groaned and it wasn't from pleasure. "That was cheesy, James."
"That's what you got to look forward to. I told you I'd be a different person." He kissed her again, but she didn't respond and he looked up at her, questioningly. "What?"
"You haven't done it, yet, Sawyer. You were going to. So do it now." She brushed his hair back from his eyes and the trace of her fingers on his skin made him willing to do anything. "Aren't you ready, James?"
He pulled the letter from his pocket; it was ruined completely after his dunk in the pool and all it was now was a lump of soggy paper. He stared at it for a few minutes as Kate watched him, smiling softly; he was giving up one reason for living to take on another and it was a scary step even though he loved Kate more than anything. "Guess I can't burn it," he said, trying not to stop himself. It was time; he had Kate and after losing her, however briefly, he never wanted to take that chance again. "I don't know what to do," he laughed, shaking a little, and Kate wrapped her arms around him, giving him strength; she knew what he was giving up and she knew he was doing it for her and the thought made her glow with love for him.
She looked at the pool where he had knocked the stones loose; smiling she said, "Bury it." Nodding at the space where the rocks had been, she said, "There's a hollow space in between those rocks. Bury it and cover it with the stones."
He sighed and bent over the space about to drop the letter in; his eyes widened and he pulled out a small cloth pouch like the one Kate had found in the drains. "What's this?"
