3: The Arithmancy Test

Disclaimer: We don't own any of the usual stuff, but we do own Diet Coke. Well, a couple bottles of it, at least.


After the concert, everyone was waiting around as the Floo was broken. They had all drifted off into friendship groups, with Luna humming to herself in the corner, and Professor Flitwick watching the rest of the concert, the bit which didn't involve Hogwarts. Hermione, Ginny and Lily had gone up to the café to escape the reams of people swarming around the gift shop, and all its fabulous Muggle contraptions. Hermione was thirsty, and so she bought her favourite Muggle drink.

'Oooh, what's that?' asked Ginny as Hermione sat down at the table with her newly bought bottle.

'Diet Coke,' replied Hermione, opening it.

'Oh, Diet Coke!' said Lily, 'Back in the day, I used to drink that occasionally!'

'Oh,' said Hermione pouring herself a glass. Ginny and Lily both raised their eyebrows and grinned suggestively at her, in an attempt to get the Diet Coke. She looked at them, and closed the bottle.

'Oh, Hermione!' moaned Ginny, while Summoning a cup, much to the confusion of the Muggles in the vicinity, 'Give me some!'

'Ple-eas-se!' whined Lily. Hermione sighed, and looked as if she was going to relent, but instead she snapped,

'You pair of scavenging cows. You always borrow my stuff! Well, I am having none of it anymore, you mark my words! I am never buying a Diet Coke again!'

'Oh,' said Ginny. After a pause, she added, brightly, 'Can we have yours then?'

'No. I should have said: I will however drink this one.'

Ginny pouted, and Lily went and bought an egg, cress and mayonnaise sandwich, and threatened to strike up a conversation with Professor Slughorn, who had come to watch, and was now mixing all the drinks in from the vending machines and seeing what happened.

'You're completely adorable,' Ginny suddenly said in a monotone voice.

'Yeah, you're so sweet,' agreed Hermione, with the same quality (or lack of it) to her voice. This confused Lily greatly, so she forgot about Professor Slughorn for a while, and just ate her sandwich, looking bewildered. This being the result the others had hoped for, they started doing their own thing. Ginny was daydreaming about Harry, and Hermione was drinking her second Diet Coke, as she had decided her plan not to have anymore was a stupid plan. She had also shared out her first Diet Coke between Ginny and Lily, as she felt sorry for them, Ginny for never having had Diet Coke, and Lily for being stuck in a different time than what she was used to.

Lily finished her sandwich and sipped demurely on her Diet Coke, while Ginny slurped her drink. Some came out of her nose, ruining her beautiful white choir robes. She didn't care, but merely laughed. Hermione, squicked out by this, turned to Lily.

'Go and invite Professor Slughorn over! Anything but the Diet Coke!'

Ginny snapped out of her laughter and looked sharply at Hermione.

'You don't mean that, do you?'

Hermione considered this, while Lily looked ready to bounce up and fetch Professor Slughorn at any second.

'You're right, Ginny, I don't mean it.'

Lily sighed sadly and dramatically, and moaned, 'Are you sure?'

'Yes,' said Hermione definitively.

'I can honestly say I whole heartedly agree, my dear Hermione,' chipped in Ginny, 'Slughorn is awful and ugly and, well… Slughorn!'

'I hate you guys!' said Lily, 'He's LOVELY!'

She took out an empty potions bottle and stared at it for a while. Hermione and Ginny exchanged looks, and sipped their Diet Coke, until Professor Flitwick then came in, the concert having finished. Everyone took the Floo back to Hogwarts, including Professor Slughorn, much to Lily's pleasure. Suddenly Lavender came up to the three heroines, looking anguished.

'We have an Arithmancy test!' she squealed. 'NOW!'

'Do you even take Arithmancy?' asked Ginny suspiciously.

'I might, I don't know!' said Lavender. 'But TEST!'

Hermione screamed. Considering all the recent events – with Lily, and the choir – she had forgotten to revise. She had also thought the test had been cancelled because of said recent events, for some reason, but it had obviously not been.

'Don't worry, Hermione,' said Ginny. 'We'll borrow Harry's invisibility cloak and help you with the test!'

'Do you even take Arithmancy?' asked Lavender. 'And you're not in our year!'

'And?' replied Ginny, rolling her eyes. 'Lily does, doesn't she?'

'Erm, yeah, whatever,' agreed Lily. 'I'll figure it out.'

'Girls! Come in!' came Professor Vector's voice.

As the sixth-years filed into the Arithmancy classroom, the thought on all their minds was, 'Please save me!' It wasn't just Hermione who hadn't revised. In fact, had anyone? Hmm… let me think about that… maybe… NO! Everyone had some notes in their hands, trying desperately to learn how to tell which number meant what. Unfortunately, as soon as they came in, they saw that Professor Vector was pinning things up over the helpful charts that were always on the wall, which had been everyone's only hope. Hermione sat down, desperately trying to revise, when she heard Lily's voice from nearby.

'Psst,' she said. 'We're here now.'

'We'll help you,' added Luna.

'Why are you there? And where's Ginny?' asked Hermione, confused.

'I'm now your friend,' explained Luna. 'And Ginny's right here, she just didn't have a line.'

'Oh. Right.'

They all bopped their heads for a while, until suddenly the Invisiblity Cloak was pulled off and they heard a strange voice coming from the vicinity of their feet.

'Cheater!' yelled the voice, which turned out to be Trevor.

'Huh?' said almost everyone, too confused to make note of the fact that Lily, Luna and Ginny weren't supposed to be there.

'You can talk?' said Hermione.

'Yes, of course,' said Luna and Trevor at the same time. Luna continued, 'All amphibians can speak English. It's a well known fact.'

'Cool,' said Lily brightly. 'But why are you here?'

'Just to amuse myself by watching Neville look for me,' shrugged Trevor. Suddenly they heard a sigh. Everyone turned to Lavender, who was looking longingly at her past love. Suddenly Trevor and Lavender jumped at each other, snogging passionately. Our four heroines were again grossed out. They shuddered, and then Ginny said, as a joke,

'You shouldn't kiss unless you're married, or maybe engaged!'

Lavender suddenly stopped the kissing, with a strange look on her face, and said, 'Sorry, Trevor, but… I'm married!'

'What? To who?' asked Professor Vector excitedly.

'&#!# off,' snapped Ginny, not even bothering to turn around.

'What about the test?'

'GO AWAY!' yelled the rest of the class, and Professor Vector went back to pinning up things, such as sexy lingerie.

'Anyway, Lavender, who are you married to?' asked Luna.

'I'm married to… Snape!'

'SNAPE?' yelled the whole class.

'But he's my fiancé!' said Professor Vector. Suddenly, from the direction of the door, they heard the words 'hey sexy', and someone walked in. It was Professor Slughorn, waving to Professor Vector.

'NOOOOO!' yelled Lily.

'Are you married to Lavender Brown, my Slug-Bug?' said Professor Vector, poking him.

'What?' said Professor Slughorn.

'I'm married to Snape,' volunteered Lavender.

'Oh, sorry, misheard,' said Professor Vector, and she wandered off with her Slug-Bug, forgetting the test. No one celebrated, because they had forgotten it too. Instead, all of them except for Lily, who was sobbing, turned their attention to Lavender.

'Are you really married to Snape, Lavender?' asked Luna.

'Yes,' sighed Lavender.

'Then you know where he is?' said Hermione hopefully.

'Come to think of it, no, I don't,' replied Lavender, looking confused.

'That's because you're not really married to Snape,' said Trevor, 'It was me, in a human disguise. You see, it's easier to snog if we're both humans.'

'Oh, Trev-Trev, you sweetie!' squealed Lavender, and then Trevor turned into Snape and they kissed again. Lily was still sobbing, and ignoring Lavender and Snape-Trevor.

'It's just… NOOO! He's… engaged!' she wailed.

'It's a good thing,' muttered Ginny to Hermione. Luna, meanwhile, was watching Lavender and Snape-Trevor with amusement.

'Oh my!' she said.


There is a plot pending. A long, slow-moving plot filled with randomness.

Coming up next time:

They get another, real lead on Snape!

They get a lead on Voldemort!

And just what are the mysterious coffee bombs?

Review replies:

Becka Klein: There will be recurring themes, and a (strange) plot, but we need to set the scene and introduce some highly complicated concepts first.

sdfg: Ooh. That sounds like a nasty fate. Here is an update; are we safe from your sardines now?

Hepsa and Larka (and Lamia: deny it not, Lamia, deny it not!)