4: Coffee Bombs and Fish
Disclaimer: Our only possessions are our strange, strange minds.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
There was chaos. The school's supplies of Firewhiskey had run out, and the professors, in need of a drink, were doing strange things. Professor Vector had taken an overdose (175 bars) of chocolate, Remus Lupin, who was there, trying to wipe everyone's memory so that he could get his job back, had bought 70 bottles of Diet Coke, and Professor Slughorn was trying to create a fake version of Firewhiskey in his lab.
What they didn't know was that Severus Snape had stolen the Firewhiskey to use in a potion to make some weapons for which ever side he felt like giving them to. Today he was feeling evil, rather than good, so he was going to bomb Hogwarts! Would anyone discover his evil plan? Well, someone was about to get a clue: Professor Slughorn, when searching through his potions ingredients, had noticed that the coffee was missing.
"Oh no! Coffee and Firewhiskey make coffee bombs! Only one person would be evil enough and know enough about potions to make them: Severus Snape!" he said, and so he ran up to the Staff Room and announced it to everyone. But then he added, "The next Slug Club meeting is on Thursday" so no one payed any attention to him. Then he got hit by a coffee bomb and exploded.
"Slughorn is gone!" commented Hagrid. "And what's that brown liquid on the ground?"
Then Lily, Hermione, Ginny and Luna, who had been spying through the keyhole, burst into the room. Lily was distraught because Slughorn had exploded, and also because of his pending marriage. She ran to the coffee and tasted it tentatively, much to the disgust of everyone in the room.
"Tea?" she said finally. "It's tea! Have a taste, Hermione!"
Hermione, wincing, bent down and had a taste. She thought about it for a second and then said, "That's not tea! It's coffee!"
"Coffee! The next best thing after Firewhiskey! Hooray!" yelled the professors.
So then a disco started, because they were all in a good mood. All the male professors were limboing, and all the female professors, as well as Lily, Ginny, Hermione and Luna, were arm-jiving. Suddenly a coffee bomb hit the stereo and it disappeared. Most of the professors started to cry, and so the four heroines had to comfort them, with lots of hugging and psychiatrist like techniques. Finally all the professors started babbling incoherently.
"Oh my!" gasped Professor Vector.
"SLUG CLUB!" yelled Slughorn.
"Woot," said Professor McGonagall.
"Squee," added Ghost!Dumbledore, and then they started singing karaoke, despite the lack of a backing track, or a microphone.
"Marry me!" yelled out Professor Anderson, the Ancient Runes teacher.
"No!" replied everyone, except for Professor Arthur, the Muggle Studies teacher, who said, "Yes!"
They blinked at each other and then kissed and went off to get married. This effectively shut up all the other professors as they watched their colleagues' backs receding into the distance.
"Didn't see that one coming," commented Professor Flitwick, and then, as a coffee bomb fell onto Professor Sinistra, Luna asked,
"Who do we think is doing this?"
"Well, Slughorn thought it might be Snape," said Lupin.
"Snape! Of course!" chorused the heroines, and then they looked out the window to see another coffee bomb shooting towards them from the Shrieking Shack. "The Shrieking Shack! Let's go!"
The four heroines ran down the stairs and through the building, going down many secret passages and even more non-secret ones. They soon arrived at the Shrieking Shack, having slipped under the Whomping Willow, and came in on Snape, poised to throw another coffee bomb.
"Snape!" yelled Ginny, pointing at him dramatically. Snape froze, like a hedgehog caught in headlights, and then used his emergency super disguise potion, which he kept in his pocket, to be in disguise, and Apparated away before anyone could distinguish what this disguise was, although there were many theories. Luna thought it was as a Crumple-Horned Snorkack, Ginny thought it was as someone invisible, Lily thought it was sad that Slughorn had exploded, and didn't care, as she didn't know Snape's full history, and Hermione thought it was as a girl.
"Don't be stupid, Hermione!" said the others, but, as it turned out, Hermione was right. However, they didn't know that yet, and instead found the coffee bomb antidote, decaf, and brought it back to Hogwarts to use on Slughorn, Sinistra and the stereo. This cheered Lily up considerably, as Slughorn was alive again, and everyone, not only her, rejoiced. The disco was restarted, with the male professors and the female professors swapping roles, until Professor Vector looked at her watch.
"We're late for our wedding, Slug Bug!" she exclaimed. "Let's go!"
So the couple hurried off to go to their wedding. Lily burst into tears, and although her friends tried to comfort her, there was little they could do. Her heart was effectively broken and it would be impossible to salvage it. However, Luna, Ginny and Hermione were soon distracted by Professor Binns falling out of the window and into the lake.
"Are you all right, Professor?" yelled Luna, looking horror-stricken. Ginny was laughing shamelessly and loudly, and Hermione was puzzled.
"How can a ghost fall into a lake?" she wondered.
"Honestly, Hermione, you know nothing!" chastised Professor McGonagall. "It's because of the simple law of Osmotic-Ecto-Lako-Fallo-Itis."
"Oh," said Hermione, who didn't really understand, but vowed to look it up later. However, at the moment she had to worry about Professor Binns, who was worryingly still.
"PROFESSOR BINNS!" yelled Luna, Ginny and Hermione, with all their might. There was no response.
"He's probably finally kicked the bucket," said Lily sourly.
"Don't be silly, Lily!" said Ghost!Dumbledore. "He's merely morphing into a fish."
"What?" gasped Hermione.
"Muto-Transfigury-Dimensionitis!" explained McGonagall, rolling her eyes along with everyone else. Hermione just nodded again, still completely mystified. But that didn't matter, and she went down to the lake, along with everyone else, to find a ghostly fish in the water.
"Professor?" asked Luna quietly. "Can you hear me? Two fishy-things for yes, three for no." Professor Binns flapped about a bit. "I'll take that as a yes then. Anyway –"
However, Luna was interrupted by Professor Slughorn appearing, panting for breath and wearing a suit. Lily gasped in distress, and then Slughorn blurted out, "The wedding's off!"
"YES!" screeched Lily. Slughorn didn't seem to notice, however, and continued,
"Professor Vector and I were waiting for Professors Anderson and Arthur to finish their wedding, when suddenly there was a flash of lightning, and my fiancée turned into Voldemort! It turned out she/he/it'd been Voldemort all along and was putting the Imperius Curse on me to marry her/him/it! I don't know why though. I'll go and get Harry Potter and his friend Ron – it'll give them something to do."
He walked off. Lily was doing a victory dance, Luna was still talking to Professor Binns, and was turning him back into a human ghost, and Ginny and Hermione were looking at each other anxiously. Professor Vector was Voldemort? And she/he/it had been trying to control Slughorn, for some reason? This was worrying. Suddenly Luna gave out a shrill giggle.
"You're right!" she said happily, talking to Professor Binns. "Pink does make the boys wink!"
She whipped out a sparkly pink hair tie and quickly tied her hair back. She took out her wand and charmed her clothes pink, and then did a twirl. All the Hogwarts boys, except for the Slytherins, the first-years, Harry and Ron, appeared and winked exaggeratedly at her. She giggled again. Hermione groaned. This had gotten to be too weird, and so any further adventures would have to wait. Luna had to calm down first.
Coming up next time:
Professor Grubbly-Plank arrives!
Voldemort returns!
And who are the people of the Tribe of DUCK?
Review replies:
vegetarians will rule the earth: Thank you! We're glad you like it!
Hepsa and Larka (not Lamia this time... so her denials are valid sometimes. Most of the time, actually, but still.)
