7: The Day Everything Was Weird

Disclaimer: No, we don't own the Harry Potter universe. Yes, we do care.


It was the summer holidays. Hermione, lying on her bed at home, let out a peaceful sigh in her sleep, and Lily rolled over in the spare bed across the room. She was beginning to wake up. Groggily, she groaned, as it was far too early, and, keeping her eyes tightly shut, because the light was too bright, swung her legs out of bed, started putting on deodorant (all by feel, remember) and got up to get changed. She fell over, because she still had her eyes closed. She opened them, and looked down.

"No. God no. How the hell…? What? No! That's…" she muttered, and went over to the mirror, hoping she was seeing things. But no, the mirror confirmed what she had just seen. She screamed very loudly. Very, very loudly. Hermione let out a huge groan and sat up.

"Hermione! Hermione! I'm heavily pregnant! What the hell do I do!"

"Uh? I must be hearing things, Lily; I thought you just said you were heavily pregnant. And it's too early."

"I'm up, Hermione. Therefore, by definition, it is not too early. And yes, that's what I said. Look!"

Hermione opened her eyes fully, took in Lily's bulging belly, and then looked down at her own, and shrieked, "Lily! Me too!"

The Floo that Hermione had installed in her room suddenly roared to life, and Luna came through, also heavily pregnant.

"Oh God, Luna! You too!" said Hermione, horrified.

"What?" asked Luna.

"You're pregnant!" said Lily.

"Don't be stupid, I'm in my pyjamas!" said Luna.

"Huh?" asked Lily and Hermione.

"It's worse. I'm bloated."

"That's not worse, Luna," said Hermione.

"Trust me. It is."

"Why!" said Lily incredulously.

"I want to chat up someone?"

"Was that a question or a statement?"

"A… question. I don't know, it's too early. Moving on, who are the fathers?"

"Luna, I have never ever had sex," said Hermione.

"Really? But you and Ron–"

"ESPECIALLY NOT WITH RON!"

"And I haven't had sex either," said Lily.

Then Hermione's mobile rang, and she put it on speakerphone. It was Ginny. She was yelling, although this was not unusual on the phone, but what she was saying was unusual.

"Guys! Guys! Help! I'm giving birth!"

Everyone gasped.

"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Hermione. "Don't worry, we're coming over!"

Suddenly the Floo Network turned off, emitting a slip of parchment. The three girls crowded around it, which was difficult with their big bellies, and read it.

"Apologies, but the Floo Network is down for maintenance. Please try again later," read Lily.

"How are we going to get there?" gasped Hermione. "I don't know how to get to the Burrow by Muggle means!"

"We could Apparate," suggested Luna, and so the three Apparated off. However, they didn't realise that pregnancy affects Apparition abilities, and ended up at Hogwarts.

"Wha?" said all the teachers, who had been discoing.

"Um… do you know how to get to the Burrow?" asked Lily.

"Wha?" they repeated.

"The Weasleys?" said Hermione tentatively.

"She said Diagon Alley!" yelled Professor Flitwick, and then the teachers hoisted the three girls onto their shoulders and brought them to Diagon Alley, and left.

"Oh, dear God," said Lily despairingly, as they were alone, pregnant, in Diagon Alley.

"Indeed," agreed Hermione sadly.

Suddenly Ginny appeared… although she looked very different. Heavy make-up was on her face, and she was wearing a mini-dress, revealing lots of cleavage and thighs.

"Hey guys," she said, leering at them. "You're looking sexy today…"

"Argh! What happened to you, Ginny?" yelled Luna.

"Ginny?" said the girl, confused. "Oh, right. I'm not Ginny, I'm Ginnay, an AU Ginny who's obsessed with sex."

"Oh. OK, then."

"Ginnay, come back here!" yelled someone who looked like Harry, but only wearing underwear.

"But Happy, dear, I wanted to bring some friends," replied Ginnay, pouting.

"Later, Ginnay."

"Fine," mumbled Ginnay, and then she leapt onto Happy and started kissing him passionately… very passionately. Lily, Hermione and Luna turned around and headed to Quality Quidditch Supplies, and bought broomsticks. Despite being pregnant, Lily and Hermione got on their brooms fine, but Luna fell off.

"Oh no! I'm all heavy! I need a harness. I'll be two seconds," she said, and waddled off, leaving Lily and Hermione waiting. Then Ron and Harry, the real Harry, came up with their brooms.

"What's happening to Ginny?" asked Harry, worried.

"She's giving birth," explained Lily.

"OH MY GOD!" gasped Harry. He looked nervously at Ron, but he was too wrapped up in chatting with Hermione to listen to the conversation. "I'm not the father, am I?"

"Nope. It's just randomness," said Lily, and then Luna returned with the harness and the five set off. Suddenly they all simultaneously fell off their brooms, because of a freak gust of wind, and they felt like they were going to die. But then they saw two people on brooms appear on the horizon, it was Ginnay and Happy.

"NYAH! Bad brooms! Bad brooms!" they yelled repeatedly, and the brooms put their people back on, and they continued flying to the Burrow. Suddenly Harry, Ron, Happy and Ginnay screamed.

"What?" asked the three heroines.

"We're all pregnant!" said the other four.

"Even you, Harry, Ron and Happy?" asked Lily.

"Yes!"

"How is that possible?" asked Hermione.

"Mpreg, duh," said Ginnay, and then she moaned, "Oh god. No one's going to want me now!"

"We're suffering Mpreg, Ginnay," said Harry. "Your problem is not that bad!"

"And I'll always want you, Ginnay," said Happy, and the two kissed, and, before they could get any further, Lavender appeared in the sky, as a vision.

"Ginny… Ginny…" she said mysteriously.

"What? Windy? Shnah?" said everyone.

"GINNY!" yelled Lavender, irritated.

"OH! Ginny!" gasped the others, and they flew off at top speed, not hearing Lavender mutter resentfully about her lack of thanks. Hermione and Lily landed first and ran up to the Burrow door, and banged on it.

"It's not locked," said Ron, and they burst inside. Fred and George were in the kitchen, raiding the cupboards.

"Fred! George!" everyone shouted. "Where's Ginny?"

"She's –"

"Not –"

"Here –"

"Right –"

"Now –"

"But –"

"Please –"

"Leave –"

"A –"

"Message –"

"After –"

"The –"

"Beep!"

"Where is she, then?" demanded Hermione angrily.

"She's at our Muggle accountant cousins'."

"Why?" asked Ron, bewildered.

"Because she is. Now leave!"

They all flew off. The twins decided they would find out what was going on, so they picked up Hermione's mobile, which she had dropped, and pressed a button to phone Ginny, but instead accidentally called Professor McGonagall.

"Hello, Minnie, love kitty supreme, here –"

The twins screamed and hung up. They then really phoned Ginny.

"What's –

"Up –"

"Gin-Gin?"

"I'm having a baby," said Ginny.

"Who's –"

"The –"

"Father?"

"No one. It's randomness."

"Oh," said the twins simultaneously, and hung up.

Meanwhile, Luna, Hermione, Lily, Ron, Harry, Happy and Ginnay had zoomed to the Muggle accountant cousins' house. They entered the house, greatly confusing said cousins, and ran upstairs to the bedroom, where Ginny was. They then entered the room, and Ginny lay there, panting.

"Geez! Hurry up next time!" said Ginny angrily, and the seven hoisted Ginny onto their brooms, and brought her to Hogwarts, where they once again interrupted the teachers' disco, and found Ghost!Dumbledore.

"Ghost!Dumbledore! We're all pregnant! Help us!"

"How about some music?" suggested Ghost!Dumbledore, ignoring them. "I picked up this nice little ditty when trying to convince Mrs. Patil to let her daughters come back to Hogwarts."

The eight heroines/heroes rolled their eyes, and forced smiles upon their faces.

"Naked snogging, naked snogging, Lav and Pav and Padma all like naked snogging! Naked snogging! All the girls around the world like naked snogging! Naked snogging! All the girls want me to do some naked snogging!"

Ghost!Dumbledore sadly dropped the jazz hands at the look on all their faces.

"Please help us, Ghost!Dumbledore," begged Ginny. Ghost!Dumbledore sighed.

"Only if you let me sing the naked snogging song again," he said.

"Deal," said Ginnay irritably. "Now get us back to normal!"

"Yay!" said Ghost!Dumbledore, and then their bloated/pregnant bellies all disappeared, and Ginny stopped giving birth. The eight heroines/heroes looked at themselves approvingly.

"How did you do that?" asked Hermione.

"I'm Ghost!Dumbledore."

"Um… how did you do that?" repeated Hermione.

"I'm Ghost!Dumbledore, I told you! What other explanation do you need?"

"Fair enough," said Hermione, and she went to talk to Ron. Harry and Ginny were snogging, as were Happy and Ginnay.

"All's well that ends well," said Luna cheesily.

"Be quiet, Luna!" said Lily. "Ghost!Dumbledore's singing!"

And so the two watched Ghost!Dumbledore sing the naked snogging song.


Coming up next time:

A lead on Draco Malfoy!
Why is Crookshanks talking?
Who is Parvati's mysterious boyfriend?

Hepsa and Larka