9: Going to Petunia's… or rather, not going to Petunia's
It was the week before seventh year started. Harry had decided that he did want to go back to school after all, because he had no idea what to do about the Horcruxes, and also because at Hogwarts he could ask Ghost!Dumbledore and various random people about them, so it would be more productive to return. Hermione was pleased, as it meant she could do her NEWTs, but, at the moment, she didn't have to worry about that. Lily was taking Hermione, Ginny and Luna to visit her sister, Petunia.
"Don't go!" Harry had advised. "She'll be freaked out, and she hates you, and magic. And also, it's weird."
"It'll be fine!" Lily had protested, and so now the four were setting off, on a bus, to go there. Ginny was talking animatedly to Harry on Hermione's ever-useful mobile, and Luna, Lily and Hermione were making silly lists about guys.
"OK, so who would be the grossest guys ever to go out with?" asked Lily, taking the pen away from Hermione and turning a page of her friend's notebook.
"Ooh! Ooh! Hagrid!" said Hermione.
"Hagrid would be gross," agreed Lily.
"What's wrong with Hagrid? Hagrid's nice!" said Luna.
"What? Please tell me you don't like Hagrid!" said the other two.
"N-no… I just don't think you should be so quick to condemn him, that's all," said Luna, blushing. Luckily for her, Hermione and Lily didn't notice and returned to stooping over the notebook.
"Well, I suppose he's no grosser than Slughorn," contributed Hermione, and Lily hit her lightly. While they were distracted, Luna sighed sadly, because she had a deep and burning passion for Hagrid, and knew he would never love her. Suddenly they heard weird noises from the seat behind them, and turned to look. It was Umbridge and Voldemort (in drag), making out.
"Why are you in drag?" demanded Hermione.
"And – wait a second, Harry - isn't that, like, completely ripped off that other random story, by Megx?" said Ginny.
"Yes, well, I always wear drag, for example when I'm in disguise as Professor Vector," said Voldemort. "And anyway, when this was first written, the authors hadn't read it."
"I suppose," said Luna. "Then continue."
Suddenly they spotted two horrified faces in the seat opposite Voldemort (in drag) and Umbridge. It was Lavender and Trevor, who were hiding in Lily's handbag, which they had expanded, with their eyes peering out, watching the snoggers.
"Lavender! Trevor!" greeted Lily.
"Hey!" squealed everyone else. Alarmed by this, Umbridge and Voldemort (in drag) Disapparated. Unfortunately, they weren't very good at Disapparating, so they landed on the bus driver, who, not able to see where he was going, swerved into a van. All the random passengers rushed off, and went, grumbling, to a different bus stop, while the bus driver, the four heroines, Lavender, Trevor, Umbridge and Voldemort (in drag) went over to the van.
"I'm sorry I banged into you!" said the bus driver. "I'll pay for any damages!"
"It's quite all right, there aren't any!" said a familiar voice. It was Slughorn, and he was standing up, out of the window, as the van was knocked over. "Your bus looks in pretty bad shape though." He gestured to the smoking rubble on the ground nearby. "Want to come with us?"
"OK!" said everyone, and they turned the van the right way up, and everyone piled inside and on top. It turned out that all the Hogwarts professors were in there, singing 'We're all going on a summer holiday'. Everyone joined in, and then they had an encore. Any couples (Lavender and Trevor, Umbridge and Voldemort (in drag) and Professors Anderson and Arthur) started snogging when it was over, and Lily, rifling through her bag, yelled, "Hey! Where's my five pound note?"
Suddenly Ginny gave a squeal of happiness, and ran over to Harry, who had just appeared.
"Harry-poos!" she yelled.
"Gingingin-nynyny-evraevraevra!" he yelled in reply.
"You really need a shorter pet name for me, and besides, I hate the name Ginevra," commented Ginny, but then they started snogging as well, so she didn't care anymore.
"STOP IT!" yelled Lily, Hermione and Luna. "It's depressing for us!" Luna glanced at Hagrid, and Lily at Slughorn, and Hermione thought of Ron. She shook this thought out of her head, and then dimly registered Ginny yelling at them.
"If you don't like it, go away!" she yelled, and she pushed Luna, Lily, Hermione and the random bus driver, just for the sake of it, away from her. Unfortunately, they fell off of the van, and landed in the road. Sadly, they started walking toward Petunia's, on the pavement, when the van turned back and stopped in front of them.
"Sorry-poos!" squealed Ginny. "Come with us!"
"Where are you going?" asked Luna.
"France!"
"What about Petunia?" demanded Lily.
"Let's go to France instead!" said the bus driver. Lily still looked uncertain, so Hermione, Luna and the bus driver started convincing her. Ginny and Harry soon got bored, and started talking to each other.
"I thought of a new pet name for you. How do you like Gin-gin-poos?"
"Eh, it'll do."
"Come on already!" yelled the professors. "We're getting cold!"
Lily, Hermione, Luna, Ginny, Harry and the bus driver turned to them and realised, in horror, that they were wearing bikinis or speedos, depending on gender. They all goggled at them in morbid fascination, not noticing the van starting to move, until there was a sudden gust of wind. Ginny, Harry, Luna and Hermione managed to hold onto something, but Lily, who had accidentally spotted McGonagall in a bikini, and was too shocked and disgusted to move, and the bus driver, who has no further purpose in this story, blew away.
"Lily!" shrieked Hermione, and she grabbed Harry's broomstick, which he was conveniently holding, and flew off. The van was on a motorway, and going 3984 miles per hour, so it was a long distance to Lily, but Hermione finally spotted her, in a field. Hermione waved at her, but Lily was too wrapped up in looking at something on the ground. Hermione lost concentration and banged into a tree. Lily ran over, worried, to her friend, who was lying, dizzy, on the ground.
"Oh, no! Hermione, are you OK?" asked Lily.
"I'm fine, but Harry's Firebolt snapped," said Hermione, holding up the pieces of broom, and looking at the tree, which was a Whomping Willow. "What's that you're holding?"
"I don't know. It's weird."
She showed it to Hermione, who gasped.
"Oh my God!" she said. "That's a Horcrux!"
"What?" said Lily. Hermione quickly explained what they were, and Lily nodded wisely.
"But never mind that," said Hermione dejectedly, once she had explained. "We're stuck on a random motorway, and we don't know how to get back to the van, or where we are!"
"I know!" said Lily. "We can use this Horcrux to kill part of Voldemort!"
"How will that help us find the van?"
"It won't! We'll have to use our magic-joint-telepathic-powers™ to find it!"
"We have magic-joint-telepathic-powers™?"
"No, well, yes, now we do. Never mind how, Hermione, they're an author's tool. Let's use 'em!"
"Sure, whatever."
They destroyed the Horcrux and used their magic-joint-telepathic-powers™ to get themselves back onto the van, where everyone was singing 'We're all going on a summer holiday' again, and Voldemort (in drag) was doing a strip show. Hermione and Lily looked on, confused, but then shrugged at each other and joined in (singing, not stripping). Suddenly, they noticed someone come up behind them. It was Grubby-Pank.
"Huh?" said Luna, who had come up to them as well, with Ginny and Harry. "Aren't you over there being Voldemort (in drag)?"
"I thought I wiped your memory! You're not supposed to know I'm Voldemort!" said Grubby-Pank.
"We remembered. It wasn't a very good memory charm," said Ginny.
"So, answer our question," said Harry.
"I'm a illusion over there," explained Grubby-Pank, in a freaky voice so that it sounded sort of like 'illoooosion'.
"OK…" said everyone, and then Lily and Hermione grabbed the pieces of Harry's Firebolt and knocked Grubby-Pank out.
"Hey! That's my Firebolt!" said Harry, outraged.
"It's a small price to pay for a Horcrux, Harry," said Hermione wisely.
"What?"
"We destroyed one," explained Lily. "Using our minds. Muhahaha!"
"Oh… Horcruxes! Damn! I knew I was meant to be doing something!" gasped Harry, and he Disapparated (he was good at it, unlike Umbridge and Voldemort-(in-drag)-illoooosion).
"Harry-poos! No!" yelled Ginny, but he was already gone. She pouted and sat down sadly. There was silence for a while, apart from the random professors making noise, but they didn't count, when Lily went up to Lavender and Trevor, who were still snogging after all this time (and seriously out of breath), and said, "So… what did happen to my five pound note?"
Coming up next time:
Luna gets knocked out!
Voldemort in drag appears again!
And where is Ginny through all of this?
Hepsa and Larka
