Chapter 15, Siren's dilemma
'WHAT?!'
Gogo's silent roar nearly sent Siren crashing into a mental wall, and she needed a few second to collect herself from the shock of his fury. It was obvious that he had used all self-control he had to keep himself from screaming loudly – especially as his breath came out in gasps, each one of them carrying a small bit of a broken word. The time Siren used to refocus, Gogo spent by expressing his set of mind within his thoughts.
'What… who would… why?! The hell? What are you saying?! Siren!'
On and on with small variations. Finally the esper regained her composure and quickly let a few notes of her harp float into the mimic's mind to calm him.
Slowly Gogo's breathing became normal and he took in a few breaths.
'Alright, alright… I'm fine. Sorry about that outburst but what the hell are you saying?' he thought, a growl returning to his thoughts at the end of the sentence.
Siren sighed.
'I'm not sure, but I can guarantee you that it wasn't the first time he got that dizzy. You saw that he was about to explode, and he could have gone ballistic instead of falling. Might be the lack of sleep, I don't know. Either that or…'
She grimaced.
'He doesn't want to kill me?' Gogo finally suggested after a pause.
'I doubt that he even knows what he wants. In any case…'
Unknown to the mimic, the esper's own mind raced with doubts and self-disgust.
'What in Doom's name am I doing?!'
Why would she force herself to enter the mind of the madman, now that he appeared less unstable? She wasn't blind as she had said, she knew what she was doing. Kerr might have momentarily thought that taking up his real name was just a show, but by the time he went to sleep he had begun to accept it.
No telling when he would break again, of course. But the danger had shrunk, and still Siren felt just as worried about not having the means to hold him back.
Hold him back?
She could have laughed like a madman herself.
It was that… fault – in lack of a better word – she had seen as he broke down. Staring at his mind from her current situation was like watching a distant dancer through a stained glass, but she had clearly seen something that reminded of tiny red lightning bolts in the twisting cloud. It hadn't been a natural part of the man's inner life.
So, getting to the point. The idea of the link was still a matter of preserving Gogo's and her own safety, but whatever Siren had seen boggled her mind. She was an esper who had mastered mind magic, things that could bring peace or drive someone to confusion and hallucinations. She knew madness, but whatever Kerr was under was not a natural case.
And she wanted to know what it was.
Wanting to know what a thing is means understanding it.
And why understand something?
To see what can be done about it.
Had Siren still owned a stomach, she would have gone to worship a bucket when reaching the end of the thought chain.
'I'm bloody NOT going to help that bastard!' she reprimanded herself, in the same voice that she would have used if she'd been fighting one of the eight ancient dragons single-handedly.
Just finding out what it was.
Yeah.
But no matter what she told herself, she was all too aware that once she knew… she might as well know the cure too.
That was definitely something that Gogo wouldn't know about. There were limits to what her contract stated.
'Siren, can you hear me?' the mimic called, snapping her out of her thoughts.
'Eh?'
'You were saying "in any case" then fell silent,' he said, concerned.
'Yes, sorry about that. I went down the worry lane.'
'Why, would it be dangerous for you or him?'
Siren quickly shook her head.
'No, I promise. I already said I wouldn't hurt him and I won't, I swear. The worst case scenario would be that he senses me and gets itchy, but that's only if I'm clumsy.'
He still didn't move.
'Please Gogo, it's just a safety precaution,' the esper assured, 'his mind seems to have settled right now, but there's no guarantee it'll last. The only thing I'll be able to do to him would be too make him fall asleep or loose consciousness so that he can cool off in a case of danger.'
'Hm.'
Gogo frowned in the darkness.
'But if you could do that, why haven't you or other espers tried to do it earlier? He would have needed it… quite a few times.'
The words brought back his almost forgotten bitterness from earlier.
'Why didn't you stop him?'
Siren sadly shook her head.
'Even if in a daze of insanity, he has always been fully aware when touching magicite before. I need to set things up while he can't notice me.'
'Promise again that you won't hurt him,' Gogo sternly said.
In her state of aggravation and doubtfulness, Siren had a hard time finding the worry for a brother touching. But she forced herself not to let it show. She couldn't afford to risk the mimic's trust in her, as he was her only chance to ever get out of the whole mess and the single friend she had in the snake pit.
'I promise, Gogo,' she said, surprising herself with the patient tone, 'I swear by Bahamut, the lord of espers.'
He hesitated for a moment longer, then he began crossing the floor. The carpet helped to kill all sound of the careful footsteps, and the whispering of Kerr's calm breathing didn't change.
The mimic had to lie down on the floor to reach below the wardrobe, and still it wasn't easy to reach the magic stone. He had managed to bring Siren as far in as possible, which was good in the safety case. Right then it was a nuisance, but eventually he came out victorious.
'Alright, now what?' he whispered, almost holding his mental breath as well.
'I ah…'
Siren pulled a violent face at the words she had to speak.
'Erk, my magicite needs to touch his skin, hand would be the best I guess,' she grunted.
Had he not been so nervous, Gogo might have mildly chuckled at the tone of her voice. He completely refrained from commenting as he sneaked closer to his brother's bed. The light from the magicite in his hand was hardly worth mentioning, only a tiny sparkle.
Still the light was eerily shed over the pale face, peaceful in the sleep.
Gogo pursed his lips, glancing at Kerr.
He looked so innocent, childlike when it was free of that stupid makeup and the smirk.
But considering all, were the crèmes he hid behind or those peaceful features the true mask?
Neither?
The mimic shrugged the musings off and turned back to the present, nervously moving his grip until the light found a motionless hand resting on the blanket.
Kerr still slept soundly.
Clenching his teeth Gogo moved Siren closer, she about to break by the tension herself. The mimic's hand shivered slightly as it neared the other fingers.
Holding his breath the sane brother brushed the magic rock against the still palm, as light as a feather's fall. He quickly withdrew and took a step backwards as Kerr muttered something in his sleep and turned over. Luckily the touched hand didn't bump into the green rock.
'We did it!' Siren sighed, more distant than usual, 'he won't wake up, you can relax.'
'Will you be alright?' Gogo asked, carefully.
'Don't worry about me,' she replied, smiling slightly of relief, 'his mind is relaxed when he's asleep, he won't feel a thing. You should just try to calm down, we both need that. I'll tell you if I find anything as soon as possible.'
'I'll try.'
Gogo stood hesitant by the bed for a few seconds longer, but Kerr showed no signs of being uneasy or in pain. Releasing the breath he had held the mimic turned and carefully found his way back to the wardrobe by memory only, searching in the darkness for the wood and the area below it.
When he had made sure the magicite was hidden again he went onto the next adventure; to get back to the collection of soft furniture without crashing into it or the wall.
It took him a minute or so since he was moving very cautiously, but in the end his fumbling hands found the outer armchair and from that he easily found the sofa. With no other options available he sat down and waited.
Meanwhile, Siren was trying to cope with what she found, and what it made her feel.
Silent minutes passed. Gogo waited, and the esper rushed through the tangled mess of the settled, sleeping mind as quickly as she dared.
It was the same everywhere.
She had been right, it wasn't natural. Well, perhaps to an extent, but that had been a small one.
It disgusted her.
Just to make sure she took a look at what actually was Kerr's brain, not expecting anything else than what she already had seen. After all, what actually generated thoughts and feelings is very much the same as what people call the "mind".
Yes… it was there too.
She sighed.
This wasn't how it should have been.
He should be a demon in a human guise, the ultimate personification of chaotic evil and carnage.
And Kerr was, in truth he was.
But it wasn't his fault.
Letting out a slow, mental breath Siren clutched her harp and reached for the golden strings.
"You damn bastard…" she growled and ran her fingertips over the tense threads, creating a simple melody.
The music was faintly visible in this strange "world", silvery threads melting into the unstructured mist around the esper. Everything that was touched by the tones glowed faintly, and Kerr muttered something again as Siren for a moment stood in a shimmering cloud of music.
She pursed her mouth as it faded. The anchor was created, but despite her earlier resolve there was a remaining dilemma. It had seemed simpler when she didn't really believe in it to the fullest.
Yes, it was apparent that she could do something about what she saw, she could feel that as she played.
But she'd be damned if she did.
Hell no.
'You and your sick, twisted soul can rot away for all I care!' she furiously thought and leaped out with a shudder of relief.
A great weight fell off her as she managed to reach the outside of Kerr's head. Good. Next problem…
She looked towards Gogo, clenching her teeth.
He was slumping again, cheeks in hands and fingertips worriedly drumming against his temples as he stared into the darkness, towards his brother.
How do you lie to someone like him?
Siren sighed and dove forwards. The only thing to do was to get it done.
'Done,' she announced, as gentle as possible.
'What did you find?' he lashed out, almost violently in his worry.
Again the esper was taken slightly aback by the honest care for Kerr. In that moment she dearly wondered if she'd ever get used to the bizarre oxymoron.
Looking back at all these events years later, the esper would never be able to stop herself from chuckling ironically. As for right then and there however…
'I was right,' she grimly said as she found no way around it, 'how can I explain it… there is… well, the best way I explain it is saying that there's mould in Kerr's mind.'
Gogo was silent for a moment. And when he spoke to her again, it was with great disbelief.
'"Mould"?'
The esper sighed.
'From within a mind "looks" sort of like a very misty and strange forest when it's settled in sleep,' she explained, 'I can't tell how it looks when he's awake so we'll work with that. To put it simply the mist is emotions and the irregular, swirling branches are resting thoughts, are you following?'
Slowly Gogo nodded, silently.
'Alright,' Siren continued, 'now, a normal mind is just clean, even if things often are confusing. An insane mind, a "normally" insane one, is a worse mess than that. It's almost impossible to get through. Now Kerr's mind… it's a little warped, so I think perhaps he was a little bit insane, nothing dangerous though.'
She pursed her mouth again.
'But there is… mould, as I said. Stains growing on the branches and things like spider webs in the mist. It's not natural, but I don't know what's causing it. Doesn't look like magic, I haven't seen it before.'
The mimic had closed his eyes somewhere halfway through Siren's explanation. The esper watched him as she finished, clenching her teeth.
She knew he would ask.
'Is there anything you can do?'
'NO!' she wanted to snarl.
But the despair in his voice, tainted with anger as it was screamed as loud as her rage, reaching for her gentle mind.
But it was still Kefka they were talking about!
'I… don't know,' she heard herself mutter.
A mediocre, bitter smile touched Gogo's lips as he bowed his head lightly.
'I somehow knew you'd say that,' he thought in a low manner, 'though I don't know if I trust you this time.'
It was a slap in her face.
'Gogo…' Siren began in a weak protest, thrown off balance by his sharp-sightedness.
He held up a hand and waved it slightly, dismissing. Still he didn't look up.
'Look, I understand that you wouldn't be caught dead doing anything for him,' he muttered, 'but if you can, please.'
It was pathetic. There was no force in the plea, it came out as a mental sigh. No hope in it, and wearing no shrouding veils of dreams it was nothing but helpless.
Siren knew Shiva would shriek and trample the prayer to dust in fury, goddesses knew what Maduin would do and even the gentle Seraphim would turn away in disgust.
But the slumping man carried the entire guilt that his brother and Gestahl should be the ones to feel, even if he hadn't known what would happen he kept blaming himself for the entire mess. Kerr had tried to kill him more than once but Gogo still couldn't hate him. In fact, deep down he blamed himself for that too, for not being able to save his twin from the insanity.
'And why must I be the one to see that?!' Siren snarled to herself only in frustration, 'oh!'
Gogo was silent, waiting for her to reply. His hand had fallen back into his lap, the fingers intertwined but now frozen. And still he hadn't looked up.
The esper gritted her mental teeth.
'Bloody pathetic, foolish, damn mortal! I won't, can't do it!'
That was what she wanted to scream at him. Not until later did she realize that the only way she would have been able to do so would have required looking in another direction. One didn't have to be a mind esper to read the surrender in Gogo's whole being; he had already accepted a no and was bracing himself to hear it.
'Poltergeist take you,' Siren thought in rage.
'I'll be the judge of whether "please" is appropriate, but I'll have to know what's causing the distortion,' Siren said in defeat.
Gogo quite literally jumped and opened his mouth before even a thought could form.
'And if you thank me I swear I'll rip out your liver through your mouth,' the esper interrupted in a much stricter voice, 'I'm not doing this to be nice. The others will tear me to pieces if they find out.'
There was a brief silence.
'You need an alibi?' the mimic finally thought, in a rather strange voice.
It was quite obvious that he had a hard time getting all his emotions under control.
Siren leaned her forehead in her hand, rubbing her hair as she did so.
'For myself too, mind you.'
She sighed.
'I have no damn reason to lift a finger to his aid, and I'm not going to outright help him.'
Straightening up she pursed her mouth.
'But if he's at least fairly sane I can bring him to justice,' she growled.
Gogo sighed.
'Ah.'
Looking down at him again the esper sighed deeply.
'Listen, espers aren't as cruel as humans but we're not fond of him either. There are however things that does speak for his cause, I guess.'
She added the last sentence in a reluctantly softer tone.
'And what would that be?' Gogo asked, watching his hands.
Siren rolled her eyes but gave in and listed what she could find for the madman's defense.
'First, Gestahl is the one who started it all, and Kerr is working for him. Second, whatever it is that's causing the "mould" is important, but we'll have to find it. Third, your views will most probably be accounted for.'
She massaged her forehead and pulled a face at what she had just done, what she was going to do in the near future.
'And against him, we have him,' she added to get herself straight.
Gogo buried his face in his hands.
'Fabulous. Just fabulous.'
He straightened up and glared at the darkness.
'But it wasn't he who found the way to the esper world or lead the expedition!' he growled.
'I know Gogo, and the rest of the espers too. Kerr is just a pawn but he has been torturing us the most, even if Gestahl has been the puppet master.'
She sighed, to herself wondering what the hell she was saying.
'Listen to me, Kerr would not survive a human trial, and probably not an esper one either. However, when standing beside Gestahl he does have a chance.'
Falling silent she shook her head before she continued:
'But I'm crazy and illogical even thinking these things and we both know it. What we need to focus on is to get out of here alive, not something that'll probably never happen. I won't let Kerr kill you now and he won't find me either, but we're not safe here.'
'I know…' Gogo sighed and glanced in his brother's direction, 'I know. But there's hope. You can't deny it.'
Siren wrestled the words for a moment before she had to, once again, surrender to another version of the truth.
'I have to agree, my friend,' she reluctantly admitted, 'but even though he's on your side, somewhat, he's not on anyone else's. And I highly doubt that he'll have much to do with whether you live or die should you be found here.'
'The room is protected,' Gogo pointed out in protest, frowning.
'But we're imprisoned here, there's no denying that either.'
She held up her hands as the mimic was about to start again.
'I know, I know. But let's leave it for now, alright? Creating that anchor was tiring and you're exhausted as well.'
'Siren…'
Gogo fell silent and nodded, understanding that she really didn't want to keep talking about it. Whether that was only dependant on her being tired, that was another issue.
'I understand,' the mimic nodded, 'we'll try to sort things out tomorrow.'
'Will take more than tomorrow to get this damn mess sorted out…' the esper muttered as she started to withdraw.
'And…'
The man in the more yellow robes gave a careful, faint smile.
'I won't say thank you since you didn't want to hear it, but I'll say that I'm grateful.'
Siren shook her head and sighed.
'It's on the borderline, but I'll let it pass.'
She tried to smile a little not to seem too harsh, failing miserably. With no other options she used her harp to make it easier for Gogo to fall asleep, finally leaving her alone.
As she drifted back towards her magicite she threw a bitter glance at the man in the center of the net. Now he was perfectly visible to her, body and mind at the same time.
Erk.
'I was defending him.'
Back in her rock she curled up, hugging her harp like a lifeline and resting her face in her hand.
'What the hell am I doing… Gogo must be contagious.'
She shook her head again, trying to free herself from the thoughts invading her mind.
'By Goddess, the others are going to kill me. Again. And then they're going to have lord Phoenix resurrect me so that they can start all over. I need to talk to the elder and try to get this mess sorted out.'
But how to reach into the esper world, she couldn't even reach Maduin and the others that had been saved from the chaos. Not without help, much more help than Gogo could provide.
Perhaps one of her friends in the esper facility was strong enough, but she wouldn't even go there if she could. The only way she'd be able to move around in the palace would be hanging on to the anchor in Kerr, but he'd notice her if she made a mental call. And Gogo wasn't going anywhere.
Sighing she tried to shut her own mind down, to little avail. It took her hours to fall asleep, fearing whatever the future had in store for her.
But very few of her thousand qualms came even close to the truth.
The sun rose above the desert of Figaro, slowly but steadily setting the sand on fire.
On the bridge of the world's last airship stood a young boy with long, blond hair tumbling down his back. By the wheel stood another blond man, his unruly and dirty hair lacking its normal ribbon and silky look. He wore a pair of tattered pants and long a dark jacket, which wasn't in any better shape than the pants. One hand was on the wheel, the other was rubbing his eyes in a desperate attempt to stay awake.
Apart from Gau and Edgar, the deck was empty.
The lawless king put both hands on the wheel and carefully made the Falcon move closer to the ground. Upon a nod from his older friend, Gau let out a now somewhat hoarse howl. Edgar's voice had given up almost two hours ago, and the wild boy had taken his place. Everyone else had taken the wise decision to go to sleep, but somebody had to keep looking.
The sound of the howl faded, and they waited. Again the boy called out, but his voice had started to fade in both force and hope.
But as the second signal began to die, Gau suddenly grabbed the railing and started jumping up and down in excitement despite his fatigue. Edgar blinked and hit the brakes, leaving the ship floating as still as the winds allowed as he hurried over to his young friend.
The sand below them was moving, and to the tired eyes looking like a lotus flower rising from the mud, Figaro castle emerged from the desert.
Edgar grabbed on to the railing as all the strain left him and he slumped to the deck, choking out mixtures of laughter and sobs with every breath.
"Egaarrr?" Gau whimpered in alarm, falling down beside him.
"I'm… fine…"
The king tried to straighten up, not ashamed of the relieved tears forming in his eyes.
"We made it, Gau… wake the others. We're safe…"
He turned to the lightly confused boy and gently grabbed Gau's arm, smiling and shaking his head to calm the young one.
"Don't worry, I'm fine," Edgar assured in a somewhat better voice, "it's just been so much happening lately. But we're going to make it, I know it!"
"Yeah!" Gau grinned, carefully – for him – touching the king's shoulder before he ran off to wake everyone else up.
Edgar straightened up and stumbled back towards the wheel to land. As he felt right then he could have grown wings of his own to fly down to his waiting home.
They had made it.
