The Straw-hat's...MOTHER?

An ear-splitting yell made everyone jump.

"Luffy!" A gigantic figure rushed up and embraced said pirate captain.

Zoro quickly unsheathed his swords and jumped…only to be pushed back by a large pudgy arm. "None of that, sonny."

He landed hard. "Luffy, what the-"

His eyes widened as the arm snapped back to the enormous woman Luffy was clinging to. "I'll not have any funny business while I'm visiting my son the Pirate King."

Sanji, Usopp, Nami and Zoro all stared. "SON?"

Luffy laughed and squeezed her tighter. "It's great to see you, Mum!"

"MUM?"

She frowned in perplexion. "Is there an echo?"

Luffy scrunched up his face in confusion. "I was just wondering the same thing!"

Everyone else groaned. As if Luffy wasn't bad enough, now they have to suffer his mother!

Everyone took a look at her. She was a very fat woman with a big red dress (like from the thirties) and like luffy she wore a straw hat but hers was pink and covered in flowers. She had lips so big and red it looked like someone taped a baboon's ass on to her face. All of the crew was hypnotized by her apperance.

Nami snapped out of it first. "Well Luffy, what exactly is your mother doing here?"

Luffy's mother (Hereafter Mrs. D) gave a little shriek when she looked at Nami. She marched up to her, (Luffy still holding on) pulled a monstrous coat from the handbag she carried, and flung it over Nami. "I do NOT want my little Luffykins to have a stripper as a crew member!"

"What!" Nami shouted.

"Listen, dear, the emperor's new clothes' was a very nice story, but it's time to stop playing pretend."

Nami struggled to free herself from the vast folds of the coat, with futile results, as Luffy looked on and laughed. "You look funny, Nami!"

"Are you telling me, stripping McGee, that my little pirate king didn't tell you I was coming?"

"Nope" Nami grumbled, still wrestling the expansive coat. "And frankly I don't care about that; all I want is for you to get going!"

"How dare you!" Mrs. D shouted, quite stunned. "I shall show you a piece of my mind"

Then suddenly Nami went completely bald.

"AHHHHHHH! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?"

"I used my devil fruit power the author author fruit, it allows me to alter this story anyway I want!" replied Mrs. D smugly. (Cough, Cough, Mary Sue, Cough Cough)

"Dis just keeps getting' weirder and weirder," Sanji commented.

Mrs. D turned her attention to the cook. "And who might YOU be?"

"My name is Sanji. I'm the ship's chef, and-"

Without hesitation her arm shot out, snagged his cigarette, and flicked it overboard.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOOOOOOOOR!" he shouted in disbelief.

"I'll not let my little Luffykins be fed by a chef who smokes." Her long arm reached out and pinched his cheek. "Besides, it's a nasty habit."

Luffy nuzzled into her. "Thanks, mum. I was sick of his chain smoking."

"Aww, ain't that sweet, Luffy," Zoro sneered. "You gonna let Mummy take care of you, the great Pirate King?"

"Yep!" Luffy said cheerily, oblivious to Zoro's sarcasm.

Mrs. D fixed her gaze on him. "Young man, what on earth are you doing with those sharp knives? You could hurt somebody!"

Before he could react, the swords were in her hand. "HEY!"

She tossed them over the side.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Zolo began to freak.

"What's the matter with you, woman!" Usopp shouted in her ear. "You went and made him mad! NOW HE'S GONNA ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow…"

Without a word she had caught hold of his nose. Calmly she flung him into the air.

He landed with a thud on the otherside of the ship.

Mrs. D dusted her hands. "Goodness, that man was annoying person I ever met!"

(sorry for the remark Usopp fans.)

Luffy surveyed his crew: A bladeless Zolo, panicking; a smokeless Sanji, pawing frantically through his pockets for a ciggie; a bald Nami, still trying to escape the clutches of the mammoth coat; and an injured Usopp, moaning in pain. "Yay mum! You got rid of all the ship's garbage!"

"Christ I cant see this story ending well" moaned Usopp.

To be continued...