Total Eclipse of the Heart
This was supposed to be a one-shot but I fear it will end up a little too long, so I'm splitting it up into two. I love using song titles for my stories so I've done it again here. The words (if you know them) fit really well for this story.oooooooooooooooooooo
... once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart ...
She stepped off the raptor and oddly enough, felt like she was setting foot on solid ground for the first time in months, despite the fact that she'd been living on New Caprica for over half a year.
She looked around, taking in her surroundings and feeling like she was home, despite the fact that she'd only spent a few days here, nearly a year previously. It had been a disastrous time but it hadn't been her fault - Adama should never have chosen a frakking engineer to command, though she understood his reasons for doing so - and Cain had her people so terrified they wouldn't even take a pee without asking permission first. Then Lee had shown up and she thought things would get better, but they'd gotten worse if anything. Not really surprising though, considering the rift that had grown between them. At least they'd put things right after that experience - for a while anyway - and Adama had come to his senses and done what he should have done in the beginning, put Lee in command of the beast.
All this went through her mind in the blink of an eye as she grabbed the backpack handed to her by the ECO and began to walk through the hangar bay. A 'greeting committee' came to meet her and the others transferring back to active duty - a Lieutenant she'd never seen before and two marines.
"This way to junior officers quarters," the Lieutenant said matter-of-factly.
"I was a Captain before I left," Kara hissed under her breath, making the other two pilots chuckle. She recognized both of them - one she'd trained on Pegasus during her brief stay here, the other a new recruit who'd signed on just before she'd gone planetside. Neither of them she knew well, but she intended to get both of them on her side if she could - the beast was notorious for being an unfriendly environment, and she had no idea how Lee was going to react to having her under his command again, considering the way things had been left between them.
She'd hoped to rejoin Galactica's crew but Pegasus had been in greater need of people. Not that it really mattered; most of her friends were either dead or staying planetside, and the old man - the only reason for her to go there - would likely welcome her about as much as Lee would. He'd been awfully upset at the decision she'd made to leave and she wasn't sure if he'd forgiven her yet. Which is why she'd come aboard anonymously, just checking with crew members recruiting for the battlestars instead of talking with their respective commanding officers, despite having known them so well.
"You'll bunk here," the LIeutenant said, opening a hatch and motioning them in. It was a typical bunkroom - space for twelve, but it seemed there were only four empty spaces.
"The CAG will see you at 0700hrs in the ready room to discuss your flight status. In the meanwhile, the mess hall is still open for another hour, one deck down. Please remain out of sensitive areas till you have clearance."
The moment the hatch shut, Kara slammed her backpack down on an empty bunk. "He talks like we know nothing of life on a battlestar. Come on, I've been serving since he was probably in grade school. Do you think he even shaves yet?"
The others sniggered. The hatch opened again suddenly and the Lieutenant poked his head in with a puzzled look on his face.
"Aren't you ...?" he began, staring at Kara. "You're Starbuck aren't you?" There was definite awe in his voice.
"Come off it, do you really think I'd be here if I was?" she replied saucily.
"I could swear though ... I mean, you look ..."
"I think I should know who I am, don't you?" she said testily.
He straightened and resumed the professional mask. "Good day then," and he retreated, shutting the hatch behind him.
"You are Starbuck though," one of the others argued. He'd been dubbed Jellybean, as he had a huge stockpile of them from before the first attacks.
She turned an exasperated face on him. "Of course I am." Then she smiled. "I just like playing with people."
"Yeah, I remember," the other one said, a knowing smile on his face.
Kara's forehead wrinkled. "Yeah, but I barely knew you."
I've heard rumours ... you're quite infamous on Galactica you know."
"Strange, I seem to be infamous everywhere I go."
"Everyone always talked about 'Apollo and Starbuck' and what a great team you were."
Kara's face hardened and her shoulders tensed. "Not anymore. There is no Apollo and Starbuck now."
The kid whose callsign was Scruffy (because of his unkempt hair) looked at her curiously. "Sorry, was Apollo killed in the attack?"
"You don't know?" She looked at him incredulously.
"I was only on Galactica a few weeks before the President's decree that we had to settle on the planet," he said defensively.
"Apollo is the Admiral's son, Lee Adama. He's Commander of the ship you're standing on."
"Oh," he said, an embarrassed flush rising to his cheeks. "I guess he doesn't fly anymore then."
"No he doesn't," she replied in a cold voice. "More's the pity. He was a fantastic pilot."
The others seemed to take the hint and dropped the subject, suggesting instead that they go for dinner. It was an uneventful time, and they didn't see anyone they knew, for which Kara was grateful. She knew eventually she'd have to face Lee but she really wasn't ready for it yet - she was still too emotionally fragile after what had happened on the planet, and Lee's words were always sharp and cutting, like a knife piercing through her soul.
Once the transfer papers were seen by him or his XO Dualla, her name was sure to spark a reaction and he'd likely seek her out, wondering why she'd come back. She wasn't ready to tell him the truth yet. Wasn't sure if she ever would be either. So avoiding him was good. It was her standard tactic when trying not to deal with someone or something she was uncomfortable with.
The rest of the evening was uneventful as well. She met half the pilots she was bunking with and they sat around the table in their quarters, playing a game of triad which Kara won handily. Lucky at cards, unlucky at love. She gritted her teeth. She'd heard that expression too many times to count and though as a young girl she'd laughed it off, she now realized how true it was for her. Shut up, she told her subconscious. Just shut up. Who needs love anyway?
She carefully hid the spoils she'd won, not knowing if the others were trustworthy, and stripped, climbing into bed in her underwear. She didn't bother visiting the head in case she ran into someone familiar. So far she'd gotten awfully lucky. She wished she had a good bottle of ambrosia and a few willing participants to continue playing cards, but as she had to be up and presentable before 0700 she knew she needed to retire to bed now. Being late and hungover on the first day really wouldn't be a good way to start life over. Lee would probably throw my ass in hack for a year, she thought ruefully, then deliberately pushed him out of her mind. She forced herself to imagine flying a viper so as to keep her mind from wandering into areas she didn't want to go. Eventually her eyelids grew heavy and the distinction between wakefulness and sleep was lost.
Her body was hot and sweaty, as was his, since they'd played pyramid for over an hour. The game was much harder one-on-one and Kara's knee ached horribly but there was no way she was going to lose after bragging about how good she was.
They stood, appraising one another for a moment as they both panted and wiped the sweat from their brows.
"You're pretty damn good," Sam conceded finally, a smile lurking in his frank blue eyes.
"Maybe next time you'll believe me when I tell you I'm good," she said, a cocky grin on her face.
Sam moved closer and the tension she'd felt between them all through the game heightened. So she hadn't been imagining it.
"What else are you good at?" he asked, in a low, husky voice.
"Wouldn't you like to know," she taunted, knowing exactly where he was going with this, both wanting it and being afraid of it at the same time.
"I would, that's why I asked." He moved closer still and lay two fingers on her shoulder lightly, pulling her tank to the side and wiping the beads of sweat that had formed there.
She stood, as if frozen, tongue-tied like an inexperienced teenager.
"Maybe you can show me what you're good at," he whispered, moving his head down to kiss her lips gently.
Lee wouldn't have had to bend down, she thought suddenly. He's the perfect height for me. Then she remembered exactly why she'd taken on this crazy-ass, no-chance-of-survival mission - she had to get away from Lee. So she opened her mouth seductively and kissed him with everything she had. Soon hands were raking over each other's glistening bodies, a minimal amount of clothing left on for propriety since they were still in public territory.
"You are good at this," he mumbled, lips never leaving hers.
"You ain't seen nothin' yet ..."
ooooooooooooooooooooooooo
She woke with a start to the alarm clanging loudly and the others rolling out of their bunks moaning. Her eyes felt sticky and refused to open, so she swiped at them with the back of her hand, wiping away the hardened residue of the tears she'd shed during the night. Her dream suddenly came back to her and tears pricked at her eyes again.
She shoved it out of her mind with an effort - she had more important things to concentrate on now. She had just under thirty minutes to be showered, dressed and ready for her meeting. And seven other people were doing the same, all struggling for room to get ready. She was bound and determined to show up there bright-eyed and bush-tailed, ready to show the CAG she was still in top form and didn't deserve to be treated like a nugget.
She made it with five minutes to spare and took a seat in the middle of the room. She didn't want to appear too eager, nor did she want to sit in the 'shit disturbers' territory in the back. Her sometimes warped sense of humour was something she couldn't do much about, but she had no desire to go back to her previous life of forever being yelled at and thrown in hack. She just wanted to fly. That's all. It was the one thing she could do without screwing up and the one thing that always gave her satisfaction. People couldn't be counted on for that.
"Commander on deck," one of the pilots yelled, spotting Lee walking in from the back of the room.
Shit! Not already, she thought, standing with the rest of them and plastering a look of nonchalance on her face. She'd had plenty of practice doing that.
Lee strode to the front of the room. "At ease." His eyes raked across the sea of flightsuits, taking in the mostly familiar faces. He'd been given the report earlier this morning that had said a few new recruits had come up from the planet, wanting to rejoin the military they'd left behind, but he hadn't had time to read it yet. Since he was dropping by the morning briefing anyway to talk with his CAG, he figured he'd meet them in person.
One set of eyes drew his like a magnet. Hazel-gree, wide, questioning. Her familiar blonde hair was pulled back in a severe ponytail and she was looking coherent and well put together.
"Starbuck," he said, in a flat, unemotional voice, though inside he felt like a million butterflies had been let loose in his stomach. "Glad you could join us. What brings you here?"
She nodded in lieu of a salute. Her stomach was churning like she had the Libran flu, but she kept her voice even and deferential. No point in making a scene already. "I'm here to join the fleet sir. If you'll have me."
Lee considered her statement, wondering if the undercurrent he felt in it was really there or just his imagination. "We need every pilot we've got, Captain."
The CAG had walked in during their exchange and looked at Kara in appreciation. "We have a Captain as a new recruit?" he asked Lee enthusiastically.
"Yes we do. She was the best pilot on Galactica before leaving us to join the settlers on the planet." Kara's cheeks burned as Lee continued to stare at her. "She's also one of the best flight instructors around, so you can promote her immediately to senior flight instructor and put Whiskers back in a raptor where he belongs. No need for an appraisal run."
The CAG, callsign Hopper as it turned out, stared wide-eyed at Kara as well. She flushed a deeper shade of red.
"Yes sir," he said, a note of doubt in his voice.
"You have a problem with that Captain?" Lee asked, turning to face him finally.
"No sir, it's just ... not routine ..."
"I've flown with her before. Many times. I know what she's capable of."
"Of course sir," Hopper deferred.
"Good, continue on then." Lee threw Kara another pointed look and exited the ready room.
"So Captain, ..." Hopper began, addressing Kara. "What callsign shall we use when addressing you?"
"Starbuck sir," she answered quickly.
His eyes opened wide as saucers and there was a hush in the room as all eyes turned to her.
"Starbuck," Hopper whispered, almost under his breath, the word itself filled with awe. After a pause to collect himself he continued. "Well Starbuck, we need some serious work here, as our previous instructor had little experience. It seems you've got your work cut out for you."
"That's good sir," she put in. "I hate being bored."
The room erupted in laughter and Kara smiled along with them, though inside she didn't find it funny in the slightest. If anything, it was more of a relief. She wanted to keep busy, needed to, in order to purge her mind and heart of all the unwanted thoughts and feelings surging through her.
ooooooooooooooooooooooo
Kara's first day was definitely wearying. Hopper hadn't been kidding when he'd said they needed a lot of work. by the end of her day - fourteen hours altogether - she was bone weary and had little voice left. Nonetheless, they'd made some good progress and she hoped they'd be pleased with her. Hopper seemed to be - he smiled and smacked her on the back as she peeled back the top half of her flightsuit and grabbed her roster from the ready room.
"Good work today Starbuck. Go hit the showers and get something to eat."
"Thank you sir," she said wearily, hoping that was exactly what would happen with no interruptions. Then she had a very important date planned - with her bunk. 0700 was going to come way too soon.
She'd no sooner turned the corner to the last corridor when a voice stopped her.
"Starbuck."
She stopped and turned around. Well, there goes a good plan down the drain, she thought, meeting Lee's steely blue gaze.
"Can I have a word?" He motioned towards an open hatch.
"Of course sir," she said, wishing she could be anywhere else but here. Even back on the planet would be preferable ...
He stood at the door and shut the hatch behind her, closing them in alone together. His eyes bored holes in hers.
"Why are you here?" he asked without preamble.
"I don't know what you mean sir," she replied, colouring slightly.
"Cut the crap Kara and stop calling me 'sir'," he demanded. "Why are you here?"
"I should have thought that was obvious," she answered, eyebrow raising. She'd been practicing - wanting to use that on him for a change.
"You missed flying."
She sighed. "Yeah, I did," she admitted. "It's a lot different down there."
He looked around as if searching for someone, even though he was a s aware as she was that they were alone. "How'd you manage to convince Sam to come back up? I thought he hated spaceships."
"He does, and I didn't."
"You left him down there?" he asked incredulously.
"You could say that," she answered evasively, shoulders tensing up.
He eyed her narrowly, noticing for the first time that she was wearing both dogtags.
"Something wrong between you two?"
"It's over," she said simply, looking him full in the face.
"Really," was all he said, sounding smug. He looked down at her disdainfully. "Following the same old pattern again I see. Pick 'em up, frak 'em till you get bored then dump 'em."
The energy drained out of her suddenly. This was a conversation she really didn't want to be having with him right now.
"Yeah," she spat out bitterly. "That's what I do. No one's interesting enough for me to keep around long." Her eyes narrowed to mere slits.
"So why marry him then?" Lee exploded. "Why even bother making a commitment if you know you're just going to break it?"
She shrugged. "Just felt like it I suppose."
Lee's eyes narrowed as well and the glare he shot at her was like ice. "That's you all over Kara, selfish bitch who only cares about herself."
"Are we about done here?" she asked impatiently, crossing her arms over her chest and beginning to shiver as her sweaty tanks chilled her skin.
"You have someone else's bed to get to?" he sneered. "Wouldn't want to be late - maybe he'll find someone else to replace you."
She stepped back as if stung, eyes widening in shock. Her arms wrapped themselves tighter around her chest.
"Can I be dismissed now?" she asked in a small voice, face hardening into a mask of anger.
"Sure. Just don't let your 'personal' life get in the way of your duties, Captain." He spat the last word out like she was a distasteful piece of food.
She hurried out, not looking back and ran to the head. She stripped as the water ran from cold to hot, and stepped in, finally letting the tears fall. They burned her cheeks as the water ran down her face. She took much longer than her usual five minutes, hoping the hot water would wash away all the guilt and shame she felt.
TBC
