Total Eclipse of the Heart - chapter 2
A/N: Well, it looks like it will be 3 chapters now - somehow this thing just keeps getting longer and longer! Hopefully I'll be able to stop at 3 - I need to get back to some of the other stories soon. :)
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The next few weeks went by in a blur for Kara. Every day was pretty much the same - she rose, ate, worked, showered, ate and then slept. There was time for the odd triad game, most of which she won, but otherwise free time was a thing of the past. She worked herself hard doing work she didn't have to do in order to keep herself busy, but Hopper didn't mind putting more responsibility on her shoulders. Less for him that way, and given their weak crew situation, he'd had more than his share of work for months.
She'd seen Lee exactly twice the entire two weeks; it seemed he was avoiding her as much as she was him. Although that hard and fast rule she'd decided upon about not going near him was a lot tougher to keep now that she was here, in an enclosed space with him. The first time they'd met - accidentally - had been a few days after their first encounter and Kara was still hurting.
She'd walked around a corner and literally stumbled into him. She'd put her arms up to prevent herself from falling, but a pair of strong, well-defined arms grabbed hers and pulled her upright in one smooth move.
"You should watch where you're going more carefully Captain," Lee said, no trace of humour in his tone. She looked up into his solemn face and felt a pang of disappointment. In the old days, he'd have said exactly the same thing, only he'd have been teasing and one thing would have led to another until they were both laughing themselves silly and everyone who passed by looked at them as though they were crazy. Now she had to bite back a nasty retort.
"I'm sorry Commander. It won't happen again," she said meekly instead.
He gave her a long stare before speaking again. "Does my father know you're back yet?"
"Not unless one of your crew mentioned it. I haven't told him."
"Good. Don't. You broke his heart by leaving. You'll break it again if he knows you came here instead of going back to his ship."
"Hey, that's not fair! I wanted to go to Galactica but I had no choice," she argued hotly. "You don't really think I want to be here with you, do you?"
Lee's jaw set. "I guess you're right. You've never wanted to be with me have you?"
"Are you still hung up on what happened that night between us?" she asked defiantly. She didn't have to mention exactly which night that was. They both remembered all too well.
"It was never just 'that night' Kara, and you know it," he said angrily. "You were stringing me along for months - flirting with me, ignoring me, flirting with me again, fighting with me, telling me you wanted me, getting me naked and then throwing me off and telling me you were attracted to some other guy, and just using me as a replacement. You do whatever the hell you want to make yourself happy and don't care about the people you hurt in the process."
"Oh, like you've never hurt anyone before," she retorted sarcastically. "Gianne, Billy - remember him? the guy whose girlfriend you stole?"
"Don't you dare bring that up! It's not my fault Billy was killed. You're the one who killed my brother and nearly killed me as well."
Her face fell as all the colour drained away. "Too bad I didn't," she said, forcing the usual Starbuck sarcasm. "Then we wouldn't be having this conversation would we?"
Lee's jaw set harshly and his eyes glittered with anger. "You just stick to your job and I'll stick to mine and outside of that we stay away from each other."
Kara snorted. "Whatever happened to 'yeah, we're okay'?"
Lee walked forward a few steps till he was in her personal space. "We were okay a long time ago. Now, we're nothing."
Gods, those words had stung. But if she was honest with herself, she'd deserved them. She'd thrown those very same words at him at a vulnerable point in his life and they'd obviously done a lot of damage, since his wounds still seemed raw and bleeding. It's just she hadn't expected them to come back now, nearly a year later. She'd expected him to lash out at her after she'd uttered them, and almost wished he had. The physical response of him touching her would have crumbled the walls she'd been trying hastily to erect that night, after realizing the mistake she'd almost made. One touch from him in anger would have fueled her desire to have him anyway, frak the consequences. And now things might be totally different had that been the case.
It was the other words he'd said that she dwelt the most on though - 'You broke my father's heart by leaving. You'll break it again if he knows you came here instead of going back to his ship.' Was he right? Was Adama angry with her for following her heart? That was what she'd always done and he'd indulged her for it even though others swore she needed severe discipline for her behaviour. Had he forgiven her for leaving? He'd always said he considered her a daughter, and parents had to learn to let go of their children and let them go their own ways didn't they? She didn't believe he would still be angry with her for falling in love and leaving to be with Sam.
Perhaps Lee was right about the other part though. She hadn't had a choice about which ship to be on, but maybe Adama didn't know that. And even though she hadn't contacted him herself, she knew only too well how the grapevine worked. After fifteen days, he had to have heard she was back. Maybe he would be angry with her for coming back and not contacting him to at least say hello.
As the days passed, she wanted more and more to see him, but she knew she couldn't. New recruits weren't allowed time off and her schedule had her working twelve-hour days most of the time. Her only hope was to wait till the old man came to the beast to visit Lee.
A more immediate problem was the fact that though she was getting eight hours of sleep a night, she was waking up feeling like she'd hardly slept. The dreams had begun plaguing her almost every night and she didn't know what to do to get rid of them. It had to stop though - it was like she was reliving her life with Sam. There was one in particular that was beginning to recur - it had been the beginning of the end between them.
They'd been married three months and it had been good between them. Mainly anyway. Things were more tense than they'd been on the Old Caprica, and even Galactica, but Kara put it down to adjusting to life on a new planet with few resources and crappy weather.
"What's the matter?" Sam asked, interrupting her daydreams.
She turned her head to face him, struggling to bring things back into focus. "Nothing."
"Bullshit kara. Don't lie to me." She smiled - he had a way of being endearing even when chewing her out.
"Nothing's wrong Sam. I'm fine."
He seemed to accept that and looked away, staring out the tent flap at the setting sun.
"You're not happy here are you?" he asked quietly.
"What do you mean? Of course I'm happy." She forced a smile.
Sam turned to face her. "How can you be? You gave up everything you had to come down here." He sighed. "I've been watching you - you're not happy here. You're putting up with it but you want to go back."
Kara stood up angrily, hands on her hips. "Samuel T. Anders! I didn't go all the way back to Caprica to haul your ass here just to leave you!"
"I'm not suggesting you leave."
"Sounds an awful lot like it to me." Her voice quavered with the tears that were springing to her eyes.
"Kara, I ... I didn't mean ..." he said apologetically, coming to stand before her.
"I knew what I was doing when I came here. I knew what I'd be giving up and what sort of life I'd be in for. Yes, I miss flying but I was willing to give it up to be with you."
Sam took her in his arms, resting his chin on her hair. "I hope I can be worthy of that sacrifice."
"You are," she mumbled into his chest. "You are."
Instead of crawling into her bunk, Kara pulled on a sweatshirt and pants and headed back to the ready room. If she lay in bed now, sleep wouldn't come and she'd just think about him - something she wanted desperately to avoid.
She laid her hand on the handle, intending to push the hatch the rest of the way open when she heard whispers. The room was dark but obviously there was someone in there. More than one person. And from the sound of things, she could tell exactly what they were doing.
She pushed the hatch open slightly and slid inside, intending on ribbing whoever it was heartily for frakking in such a public place. Her jaw dropped in amazement.
It was Lee. And Dee.
They were definitely frakking and from the sheen of sweat on their bodies that she could just make out in the emergency lighting, they'd been at it for a while. She stepped out and stood beside the door, hoping they'd finish soon so she could go in and grab her paperwork. She began to feel her stomach churn as she heard panting and moaning. When all fell silent for a few minutes, she dared venture in again, standing in the shadows by the door.
"We'd best get dressed and go," Lee said quietly.
The lights suddenly flicked on and Lee and Dee both turned, wide-eyed, to see Kara with her hand on the switch, a big grin on her face.
"You guys should get a room for that you know," she said, then appeared to think of something startling. "Oh, that's right. You're the Commander and XO of this ship. You have your own quarters. They not good enough, or do you like doing it dangerously? You want people to find you in such a compromising position?"
Lee stood between the two women, holding his pants up in front of his lower half while Dee dressed behind him. Kara only caught a quick glimpse but she could swear the dark-skinned woman was actually blushing. Lee turned to face her a minute later.
"Go on. I'll meet you at my quarters later." His voice grew harsh. "I have something else to do first."
Dee took her leave quickly, not meeting Kara's eyes. Lee turned back to face her, deliberately dressing slowly so she could see every part of him. And look she did.
"You've gained a little weight eh?" she taunted. "If you think you're going to stay as buff as you used to be just by having sex, you're mistaken."
"I see you've tried," he threw back cuttingly. "I guess it's working for you, you're skin and bones."
She exhaled loudly. "Yeah, because I've been getting so much sex lately," she said sarcastically.
"You jealous?"
She snorted with laughter. "Of Dee? I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole. You're used goods now." His face darkened with anger as she spoke. "First the prostitute on Cloud Nine, then stealing someone else's woman ... who else has there been that I don't know about?"
Lee grabbed her arms and pinned her against the wall before she was aware of what was happening.
"I told you not to talk about that," he growled menacingly, releasing her, but still standing close enough to pin her in.
"Sounds like someone's got a guilty conscience to me," she said, a challenge in her voice.
"I'm not that one who has reason to feel guilty," he said quietly. "I wonder how poor Samuel must feel, waiting months for you to come back to him only to have you dump him."
She froze, unwanted images burning through her mind.
She trudged wearily back to her tent, lantern in hand. Roslin had seen potential in Kara that she'd never known she possessed and had recruited her to help out at the school. Kara had never thought she'd like working with kids, but her love of art, dormant for so long, flowed through her like a stream and she'd thoroughly enjoyed every moment of the classes. Roslin had asked her to take part in some of the other artistic subjects - music, literature, writing - and Kara had agreed. They'd met this evening at the school to work out the next few lessons and fortunately had ended early.
As Kara pulled back the flap of her tent, she was surprised to see someone in bed; it was early yet. Someone with red hair - long red hair. Someone Kara recognized in an instant - Jean Barolay, a former C-buck and Sam's right hand man, so to speak, in the resistance.
At first Kara's tired brain didn't seem to connect, then she realized Jean was naked, at least from the waist up. Kara's brow crinkled in confusion. Why was she naked in their bed? Was something wrong with hers? Then it hit Kara like a ton of bricks as she heard a moan of pleasure and Sam's deep voice whispering her name. Everything came into focus suddenly and it was crystal clear. Jean's body began to move up and down faster and she heard Sam's breathy whispers turn to moans. Her blood froze - this was not supposed to be happening.
"Samuel!" she barked out angrily. The two bodies on the bed stopped suddenly and Sam lifted himself up to his elbows, a look of horror on his face.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded in a low, charged voice.
Jean had the decency to roll off him, but wrapped herself in the blanket, leaving Sam naked to the world.
"Kara," he began, a contrite 'little boy caught doing something he shouldn't be' look on his face.
She held up a hand. "Don't bother," she said coldly. "Stay," she spat out at Jean, who was grabbing her clothes and edging towards the flap at the other end of the tent. "Place is all yours now."
She slapped him, hard.
This time he slapped back, just as hard.
Kara's face paled and her eyes went glassy. The mark his hand had made on her cheek stood out brightly against the whiteness of her skin. Her body went limp and she slid down to the floor as Lee backed away in horror. As she sat in a crumpled heap on the floor, staring at nothing, Lee realized he'd gone too far, yet again. He'd hit her once before and it had driven her away from him, into another man's arms. He was then stuck with the consolation prize - any woman who was willing, and preferably didn't cost money. It suddenly struck him like a bolt of lightning that the reason his life had been the miserable, pathetic existence it had been for the better part of a year and a half wasn't because of her, it was because of what he'd done to her. He'd made her what she was now. The last thing he wanted was to drive her away again, now that she was back in his life. He'd been acting like he didn't want her around, treating her like garbage, but that was just him reverting back to old behaviours with her - except back then she'd have played along and trashed him right back, and it would all have been good. Now it was anything but.
"Kara, I'm so sorry," he said sadly, knowing after the last time that an apology was necessary right away.
"Leave me alone, " she whispered, eyes unmoving.
"Please, let me help you," he offered, holding out his hand to help her up, but she plastered herself tighter against the wall.
"Leave me alone," she repeated in a louder voice.
Lee leaned forward and tried to grab her hand anyway.
"Leave me alone!" she screamed, clawing at the wall to get up and scurrying to the door.
"Kara, please, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have ..." But by then she was so far down the hall she couldn't hear the rest of his apology.
She ran straight to the head and threw up in the toilet several times, then she washed her clammy face with cold water and headed back to the bunkroom. Thankfully the main lights were out and only one reading light was on - no one would see the marks Lee had made.
"You still up?" the one lone pilot still awake asked her as she shut the hatch.
"Working late," she said, trying to make her voice sound nonchalant. She wasn't sure she succeeded, but he didn't seem to notice anything amiss.
"So what's new?" he chuckled sarcastically. "Do you ever do anything other than work?"
"Doesn't seem like it," she whispered.
"G'night Starbuck."
"Night." She buried her face in her pillow and curled into the fetal position, silent tears coursing down her cheeks.
TBC
