Total Eclipse of the Heart - chapter 3

Yes, I've done it again. The story is finished, but this last chapter was way too long so I've split it into two. The next chapter will be the last. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed for reading and letting me know whether or not you've enjoyed it. :)

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From that moment on, she'd thrown herself into work whole-heartedly, never taking time for anything else. She needed to make sure she was so exhausted that she fell into bed every night, asleep almost before she hit the pillow. It was only then that she didn't have the time to think about him. Or him. Two people she'd loved and been betrayed by. Just thinking about them made her eyes sting with tears. She wasn't normally a cryer but her emotions were bubbling close to the surface now, stronger than they'd ever been before, like a dam about to burst from the pressure. She wasn't sure how much longer she would be able to hold it together.

Then one day good news came. The Admiral was coming for a visit. Kara couldn't wait to talk to him, although a part of her still feared he would be angry with her. She tried to ignore it though; her need to see him was too great. She missed the familiar faces and friends of Galactica - Adama, Helo ... and yes, even Lee. He was here but he wasn't - his body was here but the man she'd teased about being 'the worst CAG in the history of CAG's', the man who'd held her and kissed her for the first time when she returned from Caprica - he was gone. And Kara missed him terribly.

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Lee greeted his father warmly as he arrived in the Pegasus hangar bay. Despite being the more advanced of the two ships, it had taken a backseat to Galactica, the flagship of the fleet. It was rare for the Admiral to come here - Lee was usually summoned there.

"It's good to see you son. How are things going?" Adama asked as they walked side by side to Lee's quarters.

"Good, mostly." Lee smiled reassuringly but Adama was sharp. Perhaps too sharp - he always caught the things that weren't said.

"So, there's a problem?" he asked, accepting the glass of water offered to him.

"It's nothing, really," Lee said, sinking down on the couch beside him. "Everything's going smoothly."

"But ..." Adama prodded, knowing he'd have to extract what Lee was hiding. From the time he was a young boy, Lee had always held things close to his chest, never letting them out unless forced to.

"But ..." Lee sighed. "There's Starbuck."

"Hmmm." The sound was pregnant with meaning.

Lee looked sharply at him. "You knew she was here." It was a statement, not a question.

"I'd heard."

Lee took a deep breath and counted to ten. Sometimes his father's lack of openness frustrated him to no end.

"Things are ... difficult with her."

"When aren't they?"

Lee stared at his father. Had he just made a joke? Yes, it seemed he had. There was a small smile forming on his face and his eyes twinkled.

"She's a tough one to handle. I wondered how you'd manage it."

"And you didn't step in and give me advice on what to do with her?"

"A good leader has to learn how to deal with the difficult people too. It's not all 'yes sir, no sir' when you're in charge."

"That's not really the problem," Lee admitted. "I've promoted her to flight instructor - she's the best pilot we've got - naturally, and in just over two weeks has pretty much sewn up the job of assistant CAG. If I wasn't afraid Hopper would be offended, I'd promote her to CAG already."

Adama's eyebrows lifted. "After months away from duty?"

"You should see her - she's really changed. Doesn't pull crazy-ass stunts anymore, and is a respected leader around here. Of course it helps that the name Starbuck is pretty much legendary."

"There must be something wrong."

"Why do you say that?"

"For her to change so drastically? There has to be something bothering her."

Lee stared at his glass uncomfortably. Adama watched him, knowing there was more.

"So if she's behaving professionally like a model soldier, where's the problem?"

"It's personal."

"I see." Adama was dying to ask but he knew Lee would never tell him, even under threat of cylon torture. His personal life, especially when it involved Kara, was intensely personal. He shared it with no one. He liked to think that if he saw Kara and talked to her about it that she'd spill the beans, but he knew her well enough to know she was a closed book as well. Maybe that's why their relationship had been so stormy - neither of them had the ability to open up to the other, and misunderstandings always arose.

Still, if she'd changed as much as Lee thought she had, perhaps it was worth talking to her. He desperately wanted to see her anyway - she was his daughter, at least in his mind she was, even if no one else understood.

"I'll go say hello when we're done here," he said evenly, and Lee just nodded, happy to drop the conversation before his father started prying.

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He stood in the shadows watching her. She had changed as much as Lee said and now he was even more curious as to why.

She gave orders subtly and encouraged rather than yelled, something he'd tried to teach her for years but she just never seemed to grasp. He could see she had the other pilots' respect and she behaved as someone worthy of the responsibility of being in charge, not a spoiled teenager who fought when things didn't go her way. If he wasn't so worried about why she'd changed so drastically, he'd have been immensely proud of her.

"Mornin' Starbuck whaddaya hear?" he said, walking up behind her.

She spun round quickly, a look of intense joy on her face.

"Admiral, sir," she said, too tongue-tied to give him the proper response to their old daily banter. Her grin was so wide it nearly split her face.

Adama lifted a hand and traced her cheek delicately, then pulled her into a big bear hug.

The unexpected gesture made her eyes sting. She threw her arms around him, heart feeling suddenly lighter. She hadn't realized jsut how frightened she'd been that he too would reject her.

"It's good to see you," he said in a gravelly voice, obviously struggling to keep control of his emotions.

"You too," she whispered.

They broke apart and Adama appraised her. She'd changed physically as well.

"Do you think you can find time to humour an old man and sit and chat with him?"

She opened her mouth to answer that she was still on duty but Hopper beat her to it.

"Go ahead Starbuck. I'll take care of things here."

Her eyes stung again at his generous offer. It was beginning to become a habit, it seemed.

"You're sure?"

"You've put in far more time than you've needed to over the past few weeks. Consider yourself off-duty and go have some fun." He smiled at her and she returned it gratefully.

"Looks like I might have a few minutes to squeeze you in," she teased, taking the Admiral's arm and walking with him.

Kara led him to an empty briefing room, knowing there were always people in the bunkroom. She didn't want to share him - selfish she knew, but Adama was family to her, and they had a lot of catching up to do. Mostly they talked military stuff - how things were going now, what had happened while she was gone ... It was all very routine but it served to help Kara feel like she was still a part of things.

Eventually they fell into a comfortable silence and Adama put forth the question Kara wasn't answering.

"How was life on New Caprica?"

A shadow of sadness crossed her face before she smiled once again and answered.

"Definitely different," she admitted. "It was pretty bleak at times, what with trying to make do with as little as possible and the terrible weather." She gave a little laugh. "But you know what they say - whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

"I've heard that," he answered, a matching smile on his face. "How's Samuel doing?" he asked, after a pause. He'd heard she'd come back to the fleet - without him. And it made him wonder. Kara was the kind of person who threw herself heart and soul into whatever she did, and he'd seen first hand how much she cared for him by her insistence on rescuing him, and by her actions once she had. Though he had wondered at the time if love was enough to separate Kara from her destiny. It seemed not.

"He's fine," she said curtly, a note of bitterness creeping into her voice.

Adama caught it, and noticed her close off suddenly, a mask suddenly appearing over her previously open and confiding face. He'd seen it before and it always meant she was hiding something.

"He didn't come back with you?"

"He had better things to do," she bit out.

Adama watched as the mask she'd been trying to keep up slipped and the woman underneath was revealed. The tears pooled in her eyes as she lost the grip she'd had on her emotions.

"He doesn't want me anymore," she broke out suddenly, then burst into tears. Adama moved towards her and gathered her into his strong arms.

She stood at the edge of the settlement, staring out over the open fields by the river, arms firmly crossed over her chest. She felt more than saw a presence appear beside her. There was no mistaking who it was - only he had the ability to make her feel the way she did now.

"We need to talk," he said softly.

"I'm not really sure there's much to talk about," she replied just as softly, proud of herself for keeping her voice even and unemotional.

"Kara, I'm sorry you found out the way you did."

She turned to face him. "There's a better way to find out your husband is cheating on you?' she asked sarcastically.

"It's not cheating exactly ..."

"You're married to me but sleeping with another woman. How is that not cheating?" she interrupted, anger taking hold now. In the twenty-four hours since she'd caught them she'd swayed like a pendulum, emotions going back and forth from anger to hurt.

"Kara you have to understand ..."

"Do I? Do you really have to explain it for me? Because if you think you do, then obviously you're not giving me enough credit. I'm not that stupid." Her eyes narrowed and she turned away to stare at the dying sun. It was less painful than looking at him.

"You should have come back sooner."

She swung round to face him angrily. "Now you're making this my fault?"

"In a way it is," he said, blue eyes flashing darkly. "You promised me - promised you'd come back."

"And I did!"

"You said it took you two days to get to Caprica. Two days to get home, a few more to put together a rescue party, two to come back. A week - ten days tops. You were gone three months Kara, three months!" He stopped and took a deep breath. "I fell so hard for you - I can't even begin to understand what it was you did to me but I was full of hope when you left, knowing you'd be back soon and we'd be together again." His eyes narrowed. "And then you never came. I waited and waited Kara, but every day I had to give up just a little more. I wanted to believe you were trying, that maybe you'd been killed and couldn't return but there was this little voice in my head that just kept telling me you couldn't be bothered. That what we had meant nothing to you and you weren't willing to risk your life again."

"How can you say that?" she demanded, tears pricking in her eyes. "I thought of you all the time! I wanted to come back right away but I couldn't - we were stuck in crisis after crisis and I couldn't just take a bunch of people and leave."

"I didn't know that though, did I?" he asked quietly. "All I knew is that you made a promise, and when push came to shove, I realized I didn't know you well enough to know if you meant to keep it."

"So you began sleeping with her," she said bitterly.

"Jean was there, and well ... I can't really explain what happened. She'd changed - she was different somehow. More like you than I'd ever noticed before. And suddenly it occurred to me that everything I wanted was right there with me, and I'd been too blind to see it."

"So why didn't you just tell me all this when I came back for you? Why pretend you still cared for me? Why marry me and then have the truth come out?"

"I still loved you. I was so happy to see you and I wanted it to work out between us."

Kara wiped the tears that were escaping down her cheek with the back of her hand. "How do you suppose Jean felt when you suddenly dumped her because I was back?"

"I ah ... I ..." he began, flushing madly.

She glanced over at him as he stuttered. It wasn't like Sam - he was normally a very confident person. The truth pierced her suddenly and her eyes widened in shock.

"You didn't did you? You've been sleeping with her the whole time! Four months we've been married and you've been cheating on me the whole time!" Now the tears broke free and she let them fall.

"Kara, please ..."

"Don't bother. I don't wanna know, I just don't wanna know." She turned her back on him and let the tears fall unchecked, feeling her heart cracking into little pieces. Yet again.

He waited a few moments then put a hand on her shoulder. "Can't we work this out?"

She shrugged him off and turned to face him. "I'm going back."

"Back?" He shook his head in confusion.

"Back to the fleet. That's where I belong. I only came here to be with you."

"Stay?" he begged. "I still love you."

"Yeah, and I still love you. But you've already found someone to replace me."

"Kara, I ..." he began, but she was already walking.

"Goodbye Samuel," she said softly, not turning around. "Have a nice life."

She told her story in bits and pieces between sobs, not going into all the details, but telling him enough to understand the gist of it. He squeezed her tighter and rested his face in her hair as she sobbed on his shoulder.

"Oh Kara," he whispered.

Normally she would have punched anyone who dared have pity on her - except maybe the Admiral - but now she was hurting too much and needing comfort. Her heart responded with gratitude as she felt the love flow from him - the unconditional love a father has for his child who's hurting. It was what she needed most right now.

Lee stood outside the doorway, face white with shock. He'd been passing by when he'd heard his father's voice and had stopped, curious as to what he was doing in an empty briefing room. Then he'd caught Kara's voice and prepared to move on, not wanting to eavesdrop. But she'd burst into tears suddenly and he was rooted to the spot. Kara never cried. Never. He wanted to leave but at the same time needed to stay to know what was so terrible that she would actually break down.

Lee felt like an ass. His cheeks flushed hotly as their last few encounters came back to him, and he realized how horrible the things he'd said to her must have felt. He'd jumped to conclusions with her, again, and again had been wrong. Gods, why am I so stupid? he berated himself. Why can't I just keep my big mouth shut? But the answer to that came quickly. Because you feel a need with her - a need to win, to conquer her. And she's impossible to beat, though you just keep right on trying. A wisp of an idea formed in his head suddenly - maybe he should offer her love and understanding instead of contempt and arrogance. And jealousy, his subconscious reminded him. No matter how much you want to deny it , you want her. Always have, and she's continually pissed you off by choosing other men instead of you. But the other little voice in his ear spoke up. That's because you've always tried to dominate, and no one dominates Starbuck. The only other men who've had her were successful because they accepted her for who she was, and treated her as an equal.

His cheeks burned and he forced his feet to move before they left and caught him standing there. He was determined to confront her and apologize. And then maybe, if she was willing to forgive, they could start over.

TBC