Chapter 125
After Kate went back to sleep Sawyer crawled into the rickety old recliner, though he didn't dare to try and actually recline it; memories of the last time he had been in it were painful enough, to say the least. He kept his word to Kate, staying beside her, watching over her until she woke; she was so peaceful and beautiful he almost didn't want her to wake; he wanted her to stay in whatever dream it was that was making her smile so sweetly in her sleep.
Sara finished her shower and crept down the stairs expecting to find them both asleep in the bed; instead she found Sawyer, wide awake and gazing at Kate with a rapt, delighted stare as she stirred and mumbled incoherently. Sawyer looked up as Sara come close and he grinned and sat back in the chair, tearing his intense eyes from Kate as he said, low, "How was your shower?"
Sara grinned, toweling her hair gently. "Fabulous," she whispered back, "I feel like a new woman."
He grinned and turned his eyes back to Kate; they were drawn to her, like magnets and he couldn't keep them away. She was mumbling and moving restlessly and it worried him a little, especially when she said clearly, "Please don't kill it, Sawyer. Don't..." she broke into a smile in her sleep and her voice drifted back into a mumble. "Knew...you'd...right..."
Sawyer glanced up at Sara. He had an idea of what Kate was dreaming about and he thanked God again that he hadn't killed that boar, or whoever it was; he hadn't known Kate was watching but he'd known she was near and when he thought of her what little desire to kill he had was gone, and he saw through her eyes what he was doing, how wrong it was and he had a flash of insight into himself. He wanted to be good, for her; he knew it even then, and if he spared the boar, the reminder of his biggest mistake, his guilt and self-hatred, then maybe, just maybe, he would be redeemed enough to deserve her.
It hadn't worked right away, of course, though he could tell she was proud and glad that he hadn't done it, but once they were back in camp it was as if nothing had changed between them; she went back to Jack and he went back to being hated and miserable, so miserable until the only thing he could think about was leaving, getting away from her. Her and Jack.
It was why he outed her, too, though he hated himself for it every day; he wanted to hurt her as much as she was hurting him, he wanted her to feel the misery of being snubbed by the very people she thought cared and he did it, exposed her to a beach full of strangers and it was so cruelly satisfying, to see her loathed and hated, that he hated himself for it because he loved her.
He tried, once more before he left, to see if she cared, if she wanted him to stay; he was afraid he had blown it, had destroyed any chance he had and that was okay with him, too, because it made it easier to leave her, easier to sail away and leave her behind, with Jack, because that was who she really wanted anyway. His point was proven when she went with Jackass into the jungle instead of coming to tell him goodbye; as he scanned the beach for her his heart broke and he guessed she had taken his words, his stupid, hurtful, untrue words to heart, that she wasn't worth staying for, that she wasn't worth it.
When Michael had asked him, on the raft, if he wanted to die, it had been so easy to say yes.
Kate stirred again, mumbling, and he jerked out of his thoughts and focused on her, what was past was past and she loved him, now; she had found her way to him anyway, and he realized that it had happened the way it did for a reason because the only way for Kate to break through the wall she had built around herself was to think that she had lost him, to let herself feel guilty for driving him away and, like Tom, causing his death, however indavertently. Only then did she realize that she did want him, she did -love?- him and when he returned she was ready; ready to accept him, accept them.
And it all started with the boar. That wonderful, beautiful, ugly-ass boar.
"What didn't she want you to kill?" Sara's voice was soft and kind; whatever Kate was mumbling about had struck a chord with Sawyer.
He glanced up at her, sharply, then relaxed as he saw Sara's gentle smile; he had to remind himself sometimes that he didn't have to shield Kate from everyone. Lowering his eyes back to Kate, he said, "A boar."
Sara nodded, then sat cross-legged on the floor across the bed from him; she touched Kate's hand briefly, then smiled. "I was in a car accident a few years ago. Four, to be exact." He wasn't surprised; four was a big number for them. "My spine was crushed and I was told that I would never walk again." Sawyer looked up at her and she smiled again, nodding her head slowly, her eyes faraway. "Jack fixed me. He made me whole again." She stared into space for a few seconds, then shook her head, coming back to reality. "Anyway, I was laid up for a long time, of course, and I started having these really terrible nightmares, about fish dying in a dirty aquarium and me swinging a mallet at it, and it broke all over my bed, which I had been making on the floor and then a jackal came in and started eating the fish...anyway, it was horrible, and I had it every night, so since I was trapped in bed anyway I started reading up on dreams and what they mean, trying to figure out exactly what it was I was trying to tell myself."
He had torn his eyes from Kate and he was staring at Sara instead. "Did you ever figure out what your dream meant?"
She nodded, almost imperceptibly. "Yeah. Too bad I didn't follow my own advice." A wan smile crossed her face and she said, "The aquarium symbolized short-lived pleasures, becasue fish die so quickly. I was swinging the mallet and that meant domestic disharmony, and since I was swinging into the aquarium it meant that my domestic bliss would be a short-lived pleasure."
He pressed her. "And the pallet? The bed you were making?"
She looked a little embarrassed and turned her head. "A bed on the floor meant I was in danger of losing a loved one through my own actions." Her face was red and she didn't look at Sawyer as she said, "Pair that with short-lived domestic harmony and I guess you get the picture."
For once he didn't feel like making a joke, instead he asked, "What about the jackal? Or did that just mean Jack?" The joke came anyway, it was natural. "Nah, it would have been a Jackass, then, right?"
She smiled, despite herself. Sawyer was infectious, sometimes. "A jackal means someone will use you, feed off you to further their own career. When Jack...fixed me, it was a miracle. He married me then turned all of his attention to miracle working, trotting me out like a prize pony whenever he needed a display model." She hung her head. "I don't mean to make it sound all bad...I did love him, once. I still do." They were quiet for a minute, then she touched Kate's hand again. "Kate's been dreaming about a boar?"
Sawyer nodded, his eyes on her again; the slight rise and fall of her chest as she snored softly, the sunlight shining in her hair, turning it a dark, burnished amber as it framed her face, her fingers curled around the corner of the pillow, holding it tight under her head, her spattering of freckles so clear on her tanned skin that he could count them like the stars on a clear, moonless night, and he kissed her, softly, without realizing he was doing it. "Yeah. And a horse. The horse."
"They mean something to her? The horse and the boar?"
Grinning, he nodded. "Yes. To both of us."
"They may not mean the same in a dream as they do in your life, but they are strong symbols anyway. Animals always are, because they represent the primal, wild side of our subconcious. Your most secret, primitive self, and yet aspects of your everyday life too." She stopped and smiled at him. "Do you want me to tell you? I mean, we don't know her entire dream, but I can at least tell you what the two animals mean."
He nodded. He knew the significance to them, their own meanings, but he was curious about the other things they symbolized, and if Kate was dreaming about them it could be important. "Yeah, I do. And I might be able to fill you in on what the dreams are about, too."
Sara nodded. Her dream hed been somewhat prophetic and she wanted to do anything she could to help them, give them an advantage. "Okay, where do you want to start?"
He shrugged. "Well, I can tell you what I think she may be dreaming about. The horse, first."
Sara nodded. "Okay, first, let me give you an overview about what a horse symbolizes. When you think of a horse, what comes to mind? Hard working, free-sprited, independent, intelligent, selfish, cunning, a love to run...sound familiar?"
He frowned. "Way too familiar. You've seen it, right? What does a black horse mean?"
"Mystery, wildness. She may be taking a chance, a gamble in an area where she's never been before. There are many interpretations, Sawyer. Tell me what you think the dream is."
"Well, I know she was in the jungle, picking fruit for me when I was in the hatch, after the Others shot me. She said she saw a horse, a big black one."
Sara nodded, her hand taking Kate's softly. "The jungle is troubling...of course it could just be because we're in the jungle...anyway, the walking, or being on foot in the jungle signifies the need to cut a present romantic entanglement before it gets to be trouble. Then she saw the horse? Well, she cut her present entanglement for the mystery and wildness of the unknown. What happens then?"
It wasn't her dream and they both knew it but played along; he wanted to know what it meant, her horse and his boar, what did they really mean? "She came to me in the hatch and I woke up to her." He skipped over the other stuff, impatient to know what he meant, though he really already knew.
Sara smiled, shaking her head. "I get the feeling there's more to it than that but I'll let it go." She sighed. "I guess love or affection would be best there, since that is obviously why she came back to you." Yeah, Sawyer thought to himself, that and Wayne. "Do you think her coming back was a declaration of her feelings for you?"
He smirked, "No, but she pretty much declared them anyway." He looked aside at Sara, shyly. "She don't know I heard all that though. Don't say anythin', okay?"
"Okay. So she declared her feelings for you, kind of, and that signifies success, happiness. So altogether I'd say this was a pretty encouraging...dream." She recounted it. "She decided to break off a current romance to take her free-spirited, selfish, cunning self into a new, mysterious territory, to take a chance at something she'd never known and she was successful and happy. Sounds like a pretty damn good dream to me."
He was looking at Kate in a new way; he's never considered the chance she was taking on him, the step she was taking from that 16th story ledge into thin air, hoping he would catch her; he hoped he hadn't disappointed her. "Okay. What about the boar?"
"Well, " she began, smiling, "The boar. He is a bit wilder, more savage than our dear, domesticated horse. He can mean sexual energy, dirtiness, 'piggish' behaviour, or he can mean strength and vitality, confidence and value. And chivalry."
He abandoned all pretense of discussing a dream. "I was going to kill it. I had the gun in my hands, pointing it and I couldn't do it. Not again." He looked at her desperately.
"You were in the jungle too?" He nodded. "It means the same as Kate's...you needed to stop some sort of entanglement, though I don't think it was romantic, was it?"
"No."
"You needed to end a relationship of some kind, and you were holding a loaded gun. A loaded gun symbolizes the need to hold your temper, to keep control. Did you do that?"
"Yes." His voice was just a whisper.
"Do you think you are like the boar, Sawyer? Do his traits sound familiar? Because I think they fit you perfectly. So maybe you didn't want to kill yourself, maybe you realized that you had something to live for. You weren't alone, were you?"
He turned his anguished, cautiously happy eyes to her. "No. Kate was there. She...saved me." He began to cry silently, and Sara looked away, smiling, as he said, "Again."
Kate's voice mumbled up from the pillow and she said, sleepily, "Would you two shut up? I'm trying to have my own dream here and all I can hear is a bunch of babbling about boars and horses." She rolled her face up to Sawyer's and her sleepy grin faded at his expression, and he slid from the recliner, wrapping Kate in his arms and kissing her, hard. "Are you okay, James? What's wrong?"
He sighed, holding her close. "Nothin', baby. I was just...I was just thinking about you."
She was already fading away and she murmured, "Whatever, James...I heard all of it." A sleepy grin crossed her face and she slipped back into peaceful dreamland. "I think you're like a boar. Bristly..and with...sharp..." her words trailed off as her breathing evened out and she slept.
Sawyer shook his head at Sara, as Kate began to snore, and he grinned. "Minx. She's always gotta have the last word." He kissed her sleeping cheek and slid back up in the recliner to keep watch until she woke again.
-----
Being on the move gave Jack an outlet for his newfound energy, and though he didn't mind the other outlet, as much as he loved the other outlet, it didn't really get them anywhere; they moved quickly, and Ana was beginning to wonder if he had a specific place in mind.
They didn't touch while they were going; it was too tempting, even with the physical excercise they were getting; any time their hands brushed or they bumped together, anything, and it was instant lust; they had learned to keep their distance because they both wanted it, too much, and once they gave in they wouldn't move again.
They were moving slightly to the southwest, and Ana said, "Jack, where are we going? I'm sure Kate and Sawyer probably headed back over the mountain."
He didn't pause or even look back at her. "I was thinking about the map Locke had, with the Foundation and the Zoo on it? There was another mountain hatch and I want to see what's in it without Locke and Hanso tagging along."
"Oh," she said, then added, "What about Kate?"
He shrugged. "She'll still be there. Locke and Hanso can't do anything about her without me so I guess they'll just have to wait." He glanced back. "Why, you in a hurry? I thought you didn't want me to hurt the baby."
"I don't. I just want this to be...done." She had stopped and he came back, not quite all the way to her; even looking at each other was dangerous and he smiled as he kept his distance.
"Ana." He paused, not quite sure how to proceed. "Do you know what will happen to me after I...after I do it? Locke will start pushing to get me out. And he will kill me. And you. So we need leverage, something to make us valuable to them, okay?"
She nodded, suddenly scared; not only did she have to worry about Sawyer, now Locke was thrown in too. "I just want you, Jack. Whatever we have to do for that to happen."
His meager resistance crumbled and he went to her, taking her in his arms and she was stunned by the power that coursed through her at his touch; it intoxicated him and through him, her, and she felt drunk as he kissed her and they fell to the jungle floor.
