Total Eclipse of the Heart - chapter 4 (the final)
Days went by, then a week, but still he couldn't get her alone to talk. He could have pulled rank and ordered her into a meeting, but he knew that would put her in the wrong frame of mind. It needed to be a coincidental meeting - she wouldn't be defensive then, and perhaps he could find a way to crack through her walls. He'd always assumed they were impenetrable, as on the outside she seemed as though nothing could hurt her. But he knew now that they could be breached - she'd cried in front of his father. And he himself had seen the wall nearly come down the last time he'd been alone with her. He needed another chance but fate didn't seem to be working in his favour this time.
A more pressing problem however, was Dee. She'd noticed his aloofness and had confronted him on it.
"Is something wrong?" she asked, the same hurt look crossing her face now as each of the last times he'd turned her advances down. "Did I do something to upset you?"
"No," he answered quickly, trying to force a smile.
"Are you sure? Because if there's something I'm doing ..."
"It's not you." The words came out suddenly, before he'd prepared himself to say them. The hurt look on her face and in her bright green eyes intensified as his words came out more abrupt than she'd expected them to be. She wrapped the sheet around her naked torso.
"Then what is it?" When he didn't answer she continued on. "If you tell me, maybe I can help."
Not a chance, he thought with an inward chuckle. No one can help me with this problem. Hell, I'm not even sure if I can help myself! But sharing his inwardly sarcastic thoughts with her really wasn't going to help either of them.
Dee seemed to sense his reluctance to talk about whatever was bothering him so she tried another tack. "Come to bed Lee, relax a little. Worries never seem so bad once you relax and let your mind wander."
Normally Lee would have agreed with her, and spending some time indulging physical pleasures had often helped ease his mental burdens. But letting his mind wander now would be horribly dangerous. He was barely able to drag his mind away from Kara long enough to do his necessary work - letting his mind wander while making love to Dee was just asking for trouble.
Besides, he just wasn't in the mood. Didn't think he'd be able to get it up even if he tried.
"Don't worry. You just lay back and relax and I'll do everything."
Too lost in thought to protest, he allowed himself to be undressed and laid on the bed. True to her word, Dee did everything, and to Lee's surprise, he was actually able to function. Of course he had his eyes closed for most of it and his thoughts kept coming back to Kara, but he kept his mouth firmly clamped shut. He wasn't normally a very vocal person in bed, but he had on occasion called out Dee's name softly during their climaxes. He really didn't want to make the mistake of calling Kara's name by accident. That was an unforgivable sin.
All of a sudden it clicked for him as Dee lay panting in his arms. The reason Baltar couldn't keep his eyes off Kara before Colonial Day, then seemed to hate her afterwards, after getting her into his bed. The reason Baltar laid into him at the card game the next day, like it was some sort of competition between the two men. And why Kara had been so pissed at him that morning when he'd teased her about getting laid. She wanted me - she called out my name when she was with him. And then I laid into her about being an irresponsible floozy who couldn't keep her pants up - my gods, no wonder she hated me and flew straight into Anders' arms! It was all my fault!
He wriggled uncomfortably at the thought, feeling the flush on his neck and face deepen. Dee took it as a sign that he wanted more, but he pushed her off, perhaps a little roughly, and began to dress.
She shrank back and pulled the sheet up around her again, the hurt look back on her face.
Lee turned to face her and thought he kept his face steady, inside he felt the weight on his heart grow. Seems flying a viper isn't the only thing you're good at, he told himself. Hurting people, especially women you care about, seems to be your specialty.
He sighed. "I'm not mad at you Dee, there's just something I have to do. It's driving me crazy."
"Uh huh," she murmured, knowing it was about Kara. It always was, when it caused him grief like this. Shed known from the moment she'd found out Kara had joined the Pegasus crew that it would spell trouble for Lee. It always did.
"I'll be back in a while."
Dee just nodded, the sadness never leaving her eyes.
ooooooooooooooooooooo
Lee strode the corridors, wondering how he was going to get Kara alone to talk to her. If he made it professional, she'd bristle up like a porcupine. If he made it personal, she'd probably just clam up.
He must have been walking for twenty minutes when he realized his feet had automatically taken him to the pilot's ready room - a place that should be deserted at this hour.
He pushed open the hatch quietly to find the lights dimmed and one lone figure at the table, blonde head bent over in concentration. He watched her for a minute before approaching, wanting to know what sort of mood she was in. He knew from hard experience that confronting Kara was often like dealing with a wild animal - you had to know which approach to take or she'd turn the tables on the situation and take control.
She was relaxed - no sign of tension in her back or shoulders, and her body was still, save for the movement of her arm as she wrote out reports.
"Kara," he said softly. She turned abruptly, eyes widening with ... surprise, shock, fear ...? He couldn't quite tell. "Can we talk?" He kept his voice low, hoping not to scare her.
She stood and involuntarily moved to the other side of the table. She didn't say a word and Lee was tempted to just turn tail and run, but he'd tried that with her before and it had never worked. But then again, she'd tried it on him as well and he'd always just let her go, which had also gotten them nowhere. It was time to make a stand, deal with the issues and get it all out in the open, regardless of how painful it would be. Couldn't possibly be any more painful than our confrontations already are, the little voice in his head told him.
"I'm sorry."
Kara cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at him. Lee Adama? Apologizing? That was virtually unheard of.
"What for?"
Lee's cheeks flamed. "I uh ... overheard some of your conversation with my father earlier, and I'm sorry ... about the things I said to you."
"Are you sorry about listening in on our conversation or about what you heard?" she asked sarcastically, a trace of bitterness creeping into her voice.
"Both I suppose," he answered uncomfortably. "Why didn't you tell me the truth about Samuel?"
Anger flashed across her face. "Why didn't you ask me instead of assuming the worst?"
"You could have been honest with me and told me I was wrong," he defended.
"Like you always tell me I'm wrong?" she shot back.
Lee's eyes narrowed. "You're the one who called yourself a screw-up."
"That's because I am." Her eyes flashed angrily. "But friends are supposed to be supportive when you screw up - help you fix things, not condemn you."
"When have I ever done that?" Lee demanded, hands on his hips.
The numerous occasions flashed through Kara's mind. "When have you ever ...?" She stopped and laughed harshly. "That's rich Lee Adama, even for you. People have always made jokes about your callsign, but I think maybe it's exactly the right one for you. You do think you're a god - sitting high up on your pedestal looking down on us mere mortals disdainfully as we screw up." Her eyes narrowed to slits. "Well I hate to burst your bubble, but you're not perfect!"
"I know that!" he yelled back.
"Then why do you act like you are?" she demanded.
"I ..." he began hotly, then a series of memories flashed through his mind - refusing to shake hands with the Chief when he'd first come aboard Galactica, getting defensive and putting Kara down when she didn't seem to believe he could destroy the cylons tylium factory, yelling at Kara for sleeping with Baltar when he himself had no claim on her ... they went on and on. The anger deflated out of him suddenly and he remembered why he was here. To apologize and make things right, not to let things escalate into hatred like they always did.
"I'm sorry," he finished, sighing sadly.
Kara blinked and did a double-take. "I beg your pardon?"
"I'm sorry," he said contritely. "You're right, I have been awful. Egotistical, condescending, and just plain mean. Especially to you. I'm sorry I hurt you - it was never what I intended."
The anger faded from her face and she stood quietly, seeming to take up less space than when she was mad. Her hands twisted themselves together in front of her.
"What did you intend then?" she asked softly, eyes rising to meet his.
He sighed. "I don't know. I never wanted things to be like this between us, and I just don't know how they got this way." He took a deep breath. "Somehow you always manage to bring out the worst in me."
She smirked slightly - almost imperceptibly, but Lee caught it.
"Except when we're flying," she teased.
"Except when we're flying." He nodded, smiling slightly. Then sadness replaced it once again. "It's too bad we don't do that anymore. I miss it," he whispered.
"Me too," she whispered back, and their stare held ... and held ... and then ...
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but you are the Commander of this ship right?"
"Right," he said slowly, wondering where she was going with this.
"Can you not sign out a ship for yourself once in a while?" She shrugged. "I've got some free time ..."
Lee broke into a big grin and Kara couldn't help but match it. It was just too infectious. His smile was one of the things she'd always loved about him, and something she'd really missed seeing lately.
He came around the table and stood before her, not touching, looking deeply into her gleaming eyes.
"Are we ... are we okay?" he asked tentatively, suddenly remembering as he said the words the time Kara had asked him the very same question. He really hoped she didn't answer the way he had.
She reached out a hand, eyes still locked with his. He took it and felt her squeeze gently, thumb caressing the top of his hand.
"No, we're not okay. But we will be."
The End
