Chapter 135
Jack waited in the glade all night, waited for Ana; even as the night waned he thought she would come, that she would follow him. He could have sworn, once during his vigil , that her lips brushed his because suddenly, he could feel her, taste her, but she wasn't there, it was just a trick of his imagination. The drug was really working, now, and he felt so strong, so...of the Island, that sometimes all of the thoughts and ideas in his head couldn't be kept straight and the line between reality and fantasy became more and more blurred.
He tried to listen for her, to hear her thoughts but he couldn't find them; he wondered if it was because of her...because of what she was, and he decided that had to be it. Then the horrible thought struck him; what if she had followed him, and heard he and John? His stomach dropped; he'd been so sure that he would sense her coming that he had not been careful about what he said, and he paled at the thought of what she might have heard. If she'd heard...he groaned slightly to himself and put his head back into his hands again.
Locke. Somehow that son of a bitch knew she was there and he asked Jack that question, and as much as he loathed the bstard he had to admire the question because if he said no, well, obviously it would push him and Ana apart and that benefitted John, and if he said yes, then Ana would hear and she'd be glad Locke asked, making her trust him just a little more, especially after he did that crap in the jungle, kneeling before her and offering her a pouch...a familiar looking one, at that. It hit him like a brick. John had the other stones.
So now he had a dilemma; did he go after Locke and kick his ass for letting Ana overhear them, hiding the stones, and generally just being a manipulative asshle? He could get the other pieces from him and then go after Ana, with the stones in hand they could go to the hatch and play the game. Or did he go after Ana now, because he had to fix things, because he was ruined without her? She'd go with him after Locke, he was sure, and they could do it together.
He still had his eyes covered and he didn't notice as the glade went completely dark, but he did notice something.
Ana.
He felt her before he opened his eyes, smiling; but his triumphant grin faded when he saw her and Sara, together, and it was strange, the glade was illuminated with a faint, rosy gray glow, like a red sunrise, and he backed up, slowly, all coherent thought driven from his mind by the two angels, hovering silently in front of him.
Ana didn't say a word, she simply glared at him and he knew with a sudden sinking feeling that she had heard everything, and he opened his mouth to explain, to try to salvage the situation, to fix it, but Sara shook her finger silently and he was struck dumb, grasping his throat and trying to speak, but there was nothing.
Ana pulled a handful of black and white stones from her pocket and shook them tauntingly in her hand, then giving him a nasty smile she flipped him off with a flourish and exploded into a black and red cloud that dissipated into the night, leaving Sara; the glade was filled with bright white light and she hovered in front of Jack, staring at him with sad disapproval before exploding into her own brilliantly sparkling cloud and disappearing in the breeze.
He could suddenly talk again but his voice was lost in the trees as it burst out, "...Love you!"
His own voice woke him up and he lifted his head from his hands, in a daze, he shook his head to clear it and realized he'd been dreaming; he must have dozed off while he was waiting. But she wasn't going to come, he knew it, and with a cold finger of dread tracing down his spine he reached into his pack, looking for the stones. They were gone, and she had taken them, and he slung his pack across the glade in fury, watching as it exploded against a tree trunk scattering his stuff everywhere but he didn't care; anger and betrayal wracked him and he couldn't decide who he wanted to find more, Locke or her. Locke had played them both, even while Jack was playing him and Ana was the one who came out the winner, by default.
Leaving the contents of his pack strewn on the ground, except for the spare gun and a water bottle, he closed his eyes and tried to make a decision. With a heavy sigh he chose, and headed off into the jungle.
-----
Kate was asleep before she hit the flowers and Sawyer lay beside her, wide awake, just watching her sleep; he thought he knew the real Kate but the truth hurt, because he was sure that there were parts of her he would never know, she was a puzzle and she'd hidden the pieces to herself so well even she couldn't find them. He wanted to know her, the whole her, every deep corner and chasm in her heart and he could, if he chose; her mind was like a diary and he could pick the lock and read it any time he wanted but he didn't, though he was tempted, so tempted, to know what she thought and felt about him, and Joshua, but she was always eventually pretty honest about those things. He wanted the secret Kate, the one only she knew, but he wanted it from her, given freely, not taken, and so he just watched. And wondered.
It was strange, he thought, how she could still surprise him, after all of this time together, though it hadn't been all that long really, had it? He'd expected her to slap the sht out of Ana, not become her best friend, though, he had to admit, watching her get the best of Ana in their battle of wits had turned him on a little and he suddenly wished she wasn't sleeping. He considered waking her but stopped himself; she needed the rest and her health was more important than his needs. But they were a close, close second.
His thoughts were getting him a little uncomfortable so he tried to move them elsewhere, to the beach; he almost dreaded going back. It kind of felt like going back to square one, like going home after a lifetime away, how different everything looked with a little perspective behind it. He'd gone home to Tenneessee once, or whatever had passed for a home, and he drove by it, not stopping, just staring at the house where his father killed his mother and himself, setting young James on a path he had never expected, a path of self-destruction and misery that had forever changed him, molded him into someone else, scarred him, and he was surprised by how small it was, how in his mind it had taken on such mythic proportions that when he saw it again, with experienced eyes and jaded heart it was nothing but a crackerbox with peeling paint and missing shingles. But he was back there again, huddled under the bed, listening to screams and gunshots and pissing himself with terror because he was eight fucking years old and he didn't know what to do. Ten minutes later he found himself on a two lane highway doing eighty miles an hour through a haze of furious, miserable tears as he left Tenneessee behind and he told himself as he sped away that he was never crossing the state lines again if he could help it because he was already in hell and he didn't need to be dragged further down, and to prove it he went on a two week binge in some craphole town in North Carolina, blowing all of his money and screwing every woman he could get his hands on.
Square one. How would they be around so many other people, people who were basically strangers now? The changes in them were so vast, so deep and fundamental that he couldn't imagine how it would look to people who hadn't been there, who hadn't experienced the same things as they had; could they even begin to understand what had happened? Hell, he'd been there for most of it and he didn't understand. But what scared him was Kate, how would she be? With him? It was a silly fear, that she'd go back to the old Kate, shunning him, pushing him away, but it was like going home, it would seem so much smaller now, and confining, and he would be back in his tent, wanting Kate, needing her, and suffering in misery because he was thity-six fucking years old and he still didn't know what to do.
It wouldn't be like that, though, and he knew it, but the fear was still there, taunting him, making him reluctant to return. There was also all of the explaining, and talking around and around; he hoped to God they could just slip into the caves and slip out without being noticed but that was unlikely; even with the hatch the caves still provided most of the water and people were in and out all day. At least they had been.
He also had the sneaking suspicion that Kate didn't want to slip in, she wanted to go to the beach and see Sun, and Claire, and Aaron, and he supposed he couldn't blame her; just because he didn't have any friends didn't mean she didn't. She really, genuinely cared about the other people at the camp and he thought with a pang how much she must have missed and worried about Sun and Claire especially, and the baby, and he smiled to himself as he realized that he wanted to see the rotten little kid again, with his big apple head.
His smile faded as his hand slid across Kate's stomach because reality suddenly kicked him square in the nuts; they were going to have a baby. Kate was carrying a little person inside of her, and though he'd known it, and adjusted to it, and loved it, he hadn't really grasped it and now cold panic seized him and he uttered, "Oh, shit."
Kate stirred and blinked sleepily, stretching innocently against him. "What shit?" she mumbled, pushing up closer into his arms and suddenly the stretching wasn't so innocent and all of his worries and concerns fled as he touched his lips to hers softly, feeling only a little guilty. After all, he didn't actually wake her up.
Her mouth was responsive though she was still limp in his arms and he wasn't sure she was entirely awake but he didn't care; her tongue slid gently against his and he moaned, almost without realizing it as her hands slipped sleepily beneath his shirt, lifting it over his head. As his bare skin pressed to hers she was awake, like she'd been stuck with an electric wire and her eyes widened as he slid aginst her, rocking into her with a passionate force fed by his fears and doubts until she cried out with wild abandon, his voice joining hers and they panted together, listening to their groans echoing through the jungle as Kate snuggled back into his sweaty, slick embrace, falling back asleep with a peaceful, satisfied smile on her face.
He shook his head, rolling his eyes at her sleeping body as she leaned down and kissed her cheek. "You're welcome, Freckles."
-----
After Kate and Sawyer disappeared into the chapel, Sara and Ana sat on the edge of the clearing, the stars the only light in the pre-dawn darkness. Ana was actually feeling a little relieved, to be here with Sara; if anyone could help her, understand her, it was Sara, and not just because of the angel thing. Sara had been married to Jack, and if there was anyone in the world who could honestly understand her feelings it would be her.
"So, what happened, Ana?"
Ana sighed, picking at a blade of grass. "After I shot...Jack dragged me in the jungle and after the battle Locke came to us and they started over the power and I just kind of lost it, you know? I..." she mimicked exploding into her dark, terrible angelic self, then grinned sheepishly. "So much for self-control."
Sara nodded, smiling. "He'll do that to you."
Shrugging, Ana said, "Well, it gets worse. Locke flipped out and said something about being a man of faith and wanting forgiveness, that's when he gave me the stones." She looked away. "Jack just turned his back and walked away."
Sara fingered her pack, where the Return of the King was nestled, and she quoted, "Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens." Her hand slipped over and took Ana's. "What else, Ana?"
It was nice, to feel Sara's cool fingers on her hot skin, and she smiled, sadly, as unbidden, unwanted tears welled up in her eyes. "I followed him, and he was talking to John. They were talking about Kate and I stayed hidden, I didn't want Jack to know I was there. John asked him if he loved me and he said...he..." She turned her face away, ashamed at her tears but Sara pulled her into a hug. "He said he didn't."
Ana dissolved into sobs against Sara's soft arms; it was amazing, how good it felt to get that burden off of her, to let someone else hear his words. "It's okay, Ana." She rocked her gently, shaking her head at Jack. He really hadn't changed all that much, he was still an asshle and she felt for Ana because she did love Jack, and that deserved as much sympathy as anyone could get.
Ana's tears had stopped and she composed herself, wiping away the moisture from her cheeks and pulling her damp, sweaty hair from her face. Noticing Sara's kind gaze she said, "How did you do it, Sara? How did you love him?"
"Oh, Sara said, smiling, "The loving was easy. It was the hating that took all of my energy."
Ana choked out a half-sob, half-laugh because it was true; she shouldn't love him but she did, and hating him was just too hard. She smiled at Sara. "You must have had a lot of energy."
Their eyes met and there were no black clouds, no white lights, just two women who loved and loathed the same man.
They sat quietly for a while, then Ana glanced up at Sara, a malicious gleam in her eye. "You wanna mess with his head a little?" Sara looked dubious -and curious- and Ana said, "Come on. He doesn't deserve a little return on the head games? We won't hurt him." She glanced at the ground and muttered under her breath, "Much."
He did deserve it a little, and she could see where Ana was coming from, to be so in love and then have it jerked out from under her, and a little head-messing was pretty tame compared to some women she knew; when one of her friends was dumped by a guy she'd been living with for almost a year she took his prize collection of model cars and smashed them to pieces with a baseball bat in their driveway. Another friend had found out her boyfriend was cheating and she got even by sleeping with both of his brothers and his uncle, and sending him pictures of all three. The fact that Ana wasn't pumping Jack full of bullets was a testament to her control, and Sara supposed that screwing with his mind a little wasn't the worst thing she could do. "Well, what's the use of being an angel if you can't put it to good use, huh?"
Ana could see, suddenly, why Kate was so enamored of Sara; the love and sweetness just poured from her and it was wrapping her up in it too. She reached over and took Sara's hand, holding it silently for a second as Sara's power gave her strength she couldn't generate on her own and she smiled, squeezing Sara's hand as she began to shimmer into a gray mist. Sara followed with a blinding, sparkling flash leaving the glade empty and quiet.
