Chapter 137
Where would she go? The question thrummed through his head like a mantra; she had obviously teamed up with Sara, which meant that she was with Kate. And Kate knew where the other stones were.
The caves.
Dammit! How had he let John screw him like that? Of course he could see into Jack's head just as much as Jack could see into his; he knew what Locke was planning, so why wouldn't Locke be onto him? And he let him, let him trick him into saying something stupid, something that was going to ruin him. It was his own fault, of course, and that knowledge hurt him more than anything, because, when he thought about it, why would John ask him such a question, unless he knew Ana was there to hear the answer? But why hadn't he felt her there? How had John known she was there? He was stronger. It was the only answer. Somehow he was stronger. He could have taken another injection while he and Ana were out in the jungle.
Exhaustion was taking its toll but he kept pushing; hunger and fatigue made his mind whirl and his thoughts were becoming less and less coherent even to himself and he knew if he didn't stop he was going to drop but he couldn't. His hunger for Ana was stronger, he had to find her, to explain and make things right. She was all that mattered, she was all that had ever mattered, really, and the thought that he had really lost her made his heart thud to a sickening halt. His body took the cue and shut down, and his eyes rolled up into his head as he fell to a heap in the deep green shadows.
-----
They'd fallen back into their usual positions, Kate and Sawyer in the lead and Sara and Ana trailing them, slightly; it was noon, almost, and the sun was directly overhead, beating down through the canopy, making them all sweat buckets and Ana said, suddenly, "When we get to the zoo, I think there are some sodas left in the fridge." She'd been thinking about the beer she had found, which led her to thinking about sharing them with Jack, which inevitably led to the shower, that delicious, hot shower with him and it hurt too much to contemplate so she blurted out something about sodas, to try and get her mind somewhere else.
A cold, bubbly, sweet soda was about the best thing Kate could imagine; her mouth still felt nasty and she reminded herself to try and snag some toothbrushes and toothpaste when they were back at the beach; Sun's sticks were okay but not for her particular problem. She glanced over at Sawyer and said, "Feel like a little pit stop?"
He did, actually, it was hot as hell and while a beer was what he wanted, a soda sounded really damn good. "Sure, Freckles," he said, winking, then added in his most condescending tone, "You should probably rest anyway. We don't want you overdoing it, you know." He was still a little miffed from earlier, about Kate calling him a baby. He knew she was just kidding but to him it wasn't a joke; he already felt inadequate enough for the situation, he didn't need her help there.
That wasn't the only thing that was bothering him, though, and he cringed as he admitted it to himself because it basically proved her right, but he hated that she, well that she didn't save all of her attention for him. It was stupid, he knew it, and he told himself it was stupid, but he just couldn't help it; he wanted her all to himself and though he knew it wasn't possible he just didn't care. Maybe at the zoo he could get her alone, away from the giggling slumber party.
Now that she had said it, Ana wasn't so keen on stopping at the Zoo, there were just too many memories, too many reminders of her and Jack but it was out now, and she sighed a little as the vine covered, wrought iron fence loomed up in front of them , almost out of nowhere. They were at the rear of the compound and they circled the fence line, going deeper into the jungle and they finally came around to the front, where the iron gate was still opened from their previous visit.
It didn't seem so spooky now, since they had befriended the animals, but Kate noticed that their jungle guard had deserted them when they came close; she supposed she understood, what had happened to them here was like torture, to be caged and confined, poked and injected, altered, and it would be like her going back to Iowa, back to the nightmare and she suddenly grasped why it was so curiously devoid of life.
They took the path to the left, and then when it forked they took the left again, and there was the research center, still crumbling and overgrown and Sawyer slipped the security badge from his pocket, running it through the lock. It clicked green and he leaned over and read the name on the display, and he smiled at Kate as he said, "Good old Charles Wallace." The door opened with a swish and they filed in, noticing that the lights in the left half of the building still seemed to be working.
Everything was just as they had left it, not that they had expected any different, and Ana went down the hall to the kitchen, bringing back a six-pack of soda. She handed one to Kate, who held the cold can to her forehead, rolling it around and savoring the cool chill on her skin, and Sawyer gazed at her until she caught him looking. "What?"
He smirked, though his eyes never lost their enchanted look. "Well, I ain't an expert, but I think the idea is to drink it, Freckles."
She stopped, bringing the can down to her neck, rolling it slowly down to the cleft between her breasts, laughing as Sawyer's eyes followed her every move. "Well, Tex, as soon as she gives you one I'll tell you what you can do with it."
Grinning, Ana handed him a can, quickly. "Hurry, Kate, tell him!"
All three of the girls laughed and he shook his head, glaring. "Oh yeah?" He shook the can, hard, then pointed it at them before they knew what was happening and pulled the tab, spraying all four of them in cold, sticky soda. The girls screeched and tried to cover themselves but it was too late; they were all drenched and he noted with satisfaction that none of them were laughing. "Was that what you had in mind?"
Kate smirked, trying in vain to wipe the sticky mess off of her, and said, "What did you have in mind? Isn't this just a pathetic attempt to get us all in the shower?"
Even Sawyer had to laugh at that, and suddenly everything was fine again, the nasty edge was gone and he said, "I was hopin' for you, Sweetheart, but if you two want to tag along..."
Ana groaned and Sara turned away, blushing a little, though she knew he didn't mean it. She hoped, anyway. Kate came to her rescue. "I don't think so, Sawyer. Sara, honey, you go ahead." They all had to take showers, of course, because the bugs would eat them alive if they tried to go outside covered in sticky, sugary soda, and they'd have to rinse their clothes, too, though they wouldn't have time to dry.
Sighing as Sara disappeared into the bunkroom, Kate popped the tab on her soda and took a long, sweet drink. It was ambrosia, heaven; sweet and tingly and it burned her throat pleasantly as she took a deep swallow. Ana popped one, too, and she eyed Sawyer evilly as she took a long drink, smacking her lips as she drained the can. "Damn, Butch, you drink beer like that too?" There was a tinge of admiration in his voice.
She grinned, handing Kate another can. "If the need arises."
Kate stared at the can in her hand for a second, overcome with emotion at the gesture; suddenly she loved Ana and it made her so happy and sad at the same time that she burst into tears and hugged Ana around the neck, hard, throwing her off-balance and she laughed a little, patting Kate's back and saying, "It's okay, Kate." She glanced at Sawyer, who had a look on his face like he was afraid Kate had snapped and Ana said, "It's okay. It's natural, Kate. Part of the process. You think this is bad? Wait a few months, you'll think you need to be committed."
Kate laughed against Ana's shoulder and pulled back, wiping her eyes and looking a little embarrassed at her tears. "Sorry, I don't know what came over me."
Ana shook her head. "Don't be sorry. At least that was a good swing." She smirked at Sawyer. "You'll be in trouble when it's a bad one." There was a silence for a few minutes as they all stood, lost in their own thoughts, then Ana said, "Let's go into the library, sit down for a while." Taking Kate's hand on impulse, she whispered, so only Kate could hear, "He's right, Kate. Don't push yourself. If not for your sake then for his."
Her emotions were still running high and she choked back more tears as she squeezed Ana's hand, nodding. "Yeah, I could use some rest." She withdrew her hand from Ana's, smiling her thanks and gratitude, then went to Sawyer, and as she leaned against him she realized that she was tired; the stress of the day before, not sleeping, the excitement of going back to camp, the horrible morning sickness, the rush of yo-yoing emotions, they all hit her at once and she suddenly sagged a little, relieved when his sticky arms went around her, holding her up. She turned to Ana. "Mind if we shower next?"
They were so sweet together, so right and perfect that Ana couldn't take it; she turned her head against her own tears and nodded, and to her relief Sawyer led Kate away to the bunk room, giving her time to compose herself. She went to the library, alone, glad for the solitude, and she sat with her head in her hands and tried to get her head together; there was a huge problem with falling in love with someone on a deserted island and it was becoming particularly clear to her that no matter where she went on this island she was going to be reminded of Jack, unless she went back to her old camp. Even that wouldn't work because they had spent some time together there, though they hadn't actually been an...an item, then.
She couldn't run from him. Misery crashed over her and she put her head in her hands, trying to figure out what in the world she was going to do.
That was how Sara found her, a few minutes later; she had wrung her clothes out as best she could and she was still damp, but in the cool shade of the buildings it was pleasant, almost, and she sat next to Ana, putting a cool hand on her shoulder. "Ana?"
She raised her head, keeping it averted so Sara wouldn't see how puffy and red they were. "I'm okay."
Sara put her hand under her chin, pulling her face around. "Ana, it's okay. You love him, don't be ashamed of your feelings. It's what makes you human, and you are still human, you know. Most of you." She slid her arm around Ana's shoulder, ignoring the sticky soda in her hair as she whispered, "Part-time angels, Ana-Lucia, but full-time people."
She stood up, wiping her sticky arm on her still-wet shirt and grinned at Ana. "I'm excited about getting to the beach so I can get some different clothes."
Laughing, Ana nodded. "Me too. It worries me that one day we're all going to be wearing fig leaves and grass skirts."
Sara laughed too, imagining them all in hula gear. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that." She started to leave then hesitated. "If he came here, right now, and wanted you to go with him, back to whatever it was you were doing, would you go?"
Ana didn't know how to answer, how she felt; could she believe Jack? Her trust in him, in his intentions had been tenuous at best before and now it was gone, so whatever excuse, whatever story he came up with couldn't really convince her. But did she care? She loved him, and she still wanted him, but she felt good for the first time in a while, even though she was miserable; she felt lighter, like her aura was brightening and the blackness was lifting. She felt good, and she wasn't sure she wanted to give that up, even for Jack. "I don't know."
Grinning lightly, Sara replied, "A promising answer, Ana-Lucia."
They were quiet for a second, then Sara nodded towards the bunk room. "Is Kate okay? She looked a little pale when I passed them."
It was a mark of how Ana had risen in her estimation that she was asked about Kate and she smiled as she said, "She's just tired. Think's she's superwoman." A sly little smile played across her lips as she remembered the crushing fatigue that accompanied her pregnancy. "That'll change quick enough. Good thing she's already energetic."
Laughing, Sara nodded, then she met Ana's eyes, holding them as she said, "I'm glad you're here, Ana." She looked away, and added, "I don't feel like such a third wheel, you know?"
It was much more than that, of course, but Ana just smiled. "I can imagine, with those two." She chuckled and motioned towards the bunk room. "Rabbits, I swear."
Sara snorted as she backed from the room. "Tell me about it. I'm gonna go get some fruit, I think I saw some trees a little way around the fence." She glanced at the bunk room as the shower came on and shook her head. "They'll be occupied for a while, you know. You wanna come with me?"
"Yeah." Action, movement was what she needed to keep her mind occupied, away from him. The bugs wouldn't bother her, not even covered in sticky grape soda, so she stood, joining Sara as they disappeared into the hallway.
-----
It was beginning to dawn on her that she wasn't going to be able to do the things she had before, at least not with the same drive and intensity; she was just too tired. She could never remember this kind of fatigue, bone weary, draining tiredness that she didn't think even sleep would help. Well, it would some. A lot of her problem was stress; too much was happening too fast, she couldn't keep up and that was really pissing her off.
Sawyer was holding her up, leading her into the shower; she didn't resist as she undressed her, though she didn't want sex; and he must have known it because he stayed clothed while he turned the shower on, the water heating up immediately, and he led her beneath the spray, soaping up his hands and washing the sticky grape mess from her, carefully, slowly, though somehow there was nothing sexual in it at all. He was almost businesslike, just chatting with her about inconsequential things and she realized he was just trying to keep her awake long enough to get her into one of the beds and she snapped out of it, a little, getting a little more alert.
It didn't last long, though, because while his washing of her wasn't arousing, it was hypnotic and she felt herself drifting off, her mind wandering in semi-sleep, thinking about Ana, coming to her with the morning sickness stuff, and how sad Ana was when Kate suggested she try again; it was painful, because she knew she'd put her foot in her mouth, and she'd been afraid she'd broken that fragile bond they'd managed to forge.
"James?"
"That's my name, Sweetheart."
She rolled her eyes, suddenly a little more awake. "I want carte blanche."
"We already played that game, Sweetheart." He peered at her, closely, a little concerned. "You okay?" Was she delirious or something?
"No, that was for your stash. I want carte blanche over you." She was leading up to something and his curiousity got the better of him; what was she cooking up?
He couldn't find any shampoo so he soaped up his hands again and began to wash the soda from her hair. "And what would tempt me to sell my soul to the devil?"
"I'll let you pick the baby's middle name."
He stopped, craning around to face her. "Anything I want?"
She eyed him, warily, and swallowed. "Anything."
He went back to washing her hair, pretending to consider the offer. He was gonna take it, of course, he would have given her what she wanted for nothing, but as long as she was offering he was gonna take it. He finally sighed, like it was killing him to part with whatever it was she was going to ask of him, and said, "Okay, You got a deal."
She looked up at him as she pulled her back to rinse the soap out. "Anything I ask you to do, you do it? No matter what?"
"Yes."
"No matter when or where?"
"No matter."
"No arguments?"
"Jesus, Kate, what is it?"
She just smiled to herself, satisfied, and she said, "Deal. But not now. I'll let you know when."
He finished rinsing her hair and shut off the water. She reached for her clothes, to wring them out, but he pulled her away, grabbing a towel and drying her off, even towelling and wrapping her hair for her before leading her cautiously out into the bunkroom. They were alone. He pulled back the sheets on one of the bunks and motioned for her to get in. "Take a nap, Kate. Just an hour. For me."
She didn't argue, for once, and he smiled as she closed her eyes immediately, murmuring, "What name, James?"
She was already asleep but he answered her anyway, whispering, "Philip. After my father."
Here eyes cracked and she smiled. "Not as bad as I expected." She was out before the last words left her lips and he pulled the covers over her, tightly, tucking them in as he kissed her lightly, then went in to take his own shower and wring out their clothes.
