Chapter
141
Sawyer's knees went weak with relief as Kate came out of
the trees, followed by Ana, partly because he didn't want to fight
with Sayid and it was headed that way; he started to go to her as she
ran down the beach but Sun and Claire beat him to her, crushing her
and Ana in a mash of laughing, crying women and a baby, who started
bawling as if on cue, and Sawyer and Sayid forgot their hostilities
for a second as they exchanged comically horrified glances. It didn't
last. "See, Apu? Told you she was fine. So you can put away your
torture toothpicks."
"Not yet." Kate heard the hostile tone in Sawyer's voice and pulled out of the group of women, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand as she took in the scene.
"What's up?" She asked Sawyer, going to his side.
He took that as a sign and slid his arm around her waist, secretly glad that the entire camp was there to see it. "I didn't get much of a welcome, Freckles. Seems Apu don't trust me." He was still mad but now that Kate was here, safe, the icy dread in his gut had gone and he didn't feel quite as hostile as before.
Kate smiled up at him and said, "Who does?" She slid her arm around him, hugging him close. "Besides me?"
"Funny." He rolled his eyes, and Sayid watched them, his eyes taking in every detail, from the easy way he held her to the look in her eyes as she smiled up at him. They had become very close over the past few weeks. And they were different, both of them, relaxed and unconstrained; he wondered at the change, and at Sawyer's docility at Kate's hands, though he understood that well enough. But Kate was the real change; she didn't look hunted anymore, she didn't look terrified and guilty and he wondered what had happened out there to change her so, to make her a different Kate. The edginess was gone, too, and she seemed softer and sweeter, and obviously in love.
He noted with a deep pang how smitten Sawyer was, too, the man couldn't make it any more obvious how happy he was. And that was it, that was the change in both of them. They were happy. He swallowed hard, looking away from them and willing the tears not to well up in his eyes as he thought about Shannon; the weeks here had been hell, boredom to the highest degree. The most exciting thing to happen had been Charlie getting a nasty cut on his cheek from Claire's fist when he 'accidentally' kidnapped Aaron in his sleep. He'd been banished to the edges of camp and the incident hadn't recurred, but Claire had laid a good one on him and he'd needed three stitches to close it up; other than that he'd had nothing to do but think about her, and thoughts of her always brought of thoughts of Ana. He didn't hate her, not anymore; it wasn't her fault, she'd reacted trying to protect her people. And his people, too, to be honest, Sawyer and Michael and Jin. It was a terrible accident, but he needed someone to blame and so he chose Them. It was Their fault Shannon was dead, that he was alone.
Ana was watching him, and she saw the look of sorrow that crossed his face as he gazed at Kate and Sawyer; guilt bubbled up in her gut and she turned away, about to walk up the beach and try leave the guilt behind, but Kate saw her going. "Ana!"
She hesitated; she didn't want to face the accusation in Sayid's eyes, she couldn't take it, not now, but she turned and went to Kate's side, finally risking a look at him.
He wasn't looking at them anymore; his eyes were on her but there was no accusation, no anger. He smiled. "Hello, Ana-Lucia. It is good to see you. And you Kate." His defensiveness had disappeared, mainly because thinking about Shannon had drained his energy, his spirit and he almost didn't care. "You have been gone a long time. Where is everyone else?"
"Jack and Locke are still out there, we split up a while ago." It wasn't a complete lie, at least, and Kate continued, after a sad hesitation, "Eko's dead, and They have Michael."
Sawyer saw a couple of faces turn aside in grief at the news of Eko's death, and he noticed Rose and Bernard, hovering on the edges of the circle, and Libby, also watching, and he sympathinzed with them because he missed Eko too, badly. He craved his guidance, his wisdom because he needed it, now more than ever because he could feel an uncomfortable doubt growing in his belly, especially after his father's visit. The knowledge that he was so like his father had shaken him, a little, and it had given room to those fears, those worries that he wouldn't be good enough, that he could never be a real dad. What the hell did he have to go on? He had no template to go by, no knowledge of what he should be.
"How did Eko die?"
Kate suddenly swooned and fell into Sawyer's arms, jolting him out of his reverie as he caught her, sweeping her up into his arms and carrying her to the closest tent. "Kate! Kate!"
She cracked her eys, rolling them before whispering, "I'm okay. Play along." She closed her eyes again and groaned, and he carried her into the tent, laying her down and fanning her face.
Ana stuck her head in, looking concerned and Sawyer snapped, "Water!" She nodded, her eyes wide, and she pulled her head back out of the tent flap, and Sayid stuck his in.
"Is Kate alright?"
She opened her eyes and beckoned to him. "I'm fine, I just didn't want everyone to hear what I have to say and that seemed like the least suspicious way to get out of answering a bunch of questions. We'll meet you at the hatch in a while, try to get everyone out."
He smiled and nodded his head at the exit. "Sun and Claire are frantic. Shall I let them in?"
She grinned. "Yeah, and Sara too. I'm sure she's scared silly." She turned imploring eyes at Sawyer. "James, please go get her. I'm fine, really." He kissed her, deeply, before he stood and left, giving Sayid the eye as he passed.
Sayid watched him go, then turned dubious eyes on Kate. "Is she really Jack's ex-wife?"
She sat up, nodding. "Yep."
"Curious."
She laughed. "Sayid, you have no idea."
Sara popped her head in, and smiled when she saw Kate sitting up. "You okay?"
Kate nodded. "Yeah, just fine." She nodded at Sayid. "Sayid, meet Sara Shepard."
He took her hand and kissed the back of it valiantly. "I am sorry about what happened on the beach. We have to be careful here."
She laughed. "Oh, I know."
Kate grinned. "Sara's been with us on some of our adventures. She knows as much about this place as anyone else."
Sun stuck her head in, smiling when she saw Kate. "You must be better. What happened?"
"Just the heat, I guess. I'm fine." She stood, making sure to act a little unsteady and weak, because it was all in the details. "I think I'm going to go to the hatch for a while, lie down."
Sun was eyeing Kate steadily, scrutinizing her and a huge smile spread across her face. "How far along?"
There was a splash as her heart dropped into her stomach. "What?"
She was spared an answer by Ana sticking her head in with a water bottle, handing it to Kate. "You okay? Good, because Claire is waiting outside and I think she's gonna pace a hole in the earth if you don't let her in."
Sayid took that as a cue and he smiled at Kate as he started to leave. "I will see you at the hatch soon? I'll tell everyone you're a little ill from the sun so they'll leave you alone for a while."
She grinned, giving him a quick hug, since Sawyer wasn't around to see it. "Thanks. Tell Claire to come in, and Ja- Sawyer, too." He bowed, slightly, smiling back, and she said, "It's good to be back, Sayid. How have you been?"
He took Kate's hand, bending and holding it to his forehead. "I have been survivng, Kate, just like you." Letting her hand go, he slipped outside, and Claire came running in, holding Aaron.
"Kate, are you okay?"
She was getting really tired of that question, but she smiled and said, "I'm fine. Just a little too much sun."
Sun grinned and looked aside at Claire. "A little too much Sawyer, if you ask me."
Claire eyed Kate, approvingly, nodding as she looked her up and down. "I think you're right, Sun."
She glanced at Sara, almost for confirmation, and Sara shrugged. Why not? It was good news, and they obviously already suspected, why keep it in? A huge grin spread over Kate's face, her eyes lighting up and that was all the answer they needed; she was crushed under the weight of hugging, laughing women, and Aaron started crying again.
Sun grinned and smiled at Kate, shyly. "Me too."
She was stunned, though she shouldn't have been surprised; while she had been occupied with Sawyer after his return from the raft debacle, Sun had been occupied with Jin. "Wow," she said, softly, then they all dissolved into laughs and squeals again, interspersed with Aaron's shrill cries that went ignored.
The throng on the beach had dispersed. Sawyer was about to go in to the tent, which happened to be Sun and Jin's, when he heard the sqeals and the laughter; he hesitated then decided against it, it was bad enough when the slumber party was just Sara and Ana, he didn't think he could handle two more giggling girls thrown in. He turned, unsure of where to go, and he decided to check out what was left of his tent and his stash; he didn't expect there to be much.
He wasn't disappointed; his beach house had been stripped to the bare pieces of wreckage holding up the tarp, though, of course, the tarp was gone too. And of course, his stash. Gone. It didn't bother him as much as he thought it would, really, because that belonged to the old him, Saywer, and James didn't care about that stuff. Well, not as much. He wondered if the two suitcases he'd hidden in the jungle had been plundered too, and he was about to go and find out when a voice interrupted him.
"We all thought you were dead, Sawyer. We divided your things up among the camp."
He turned to find Sayid behind him, his dark curly hair pulled back into a ponytail; it had gotten really long and it gave Sawyer an idea just how long they had been gone; time had lost all meaning out in the jungle and everything had been so compressed, happened so fast that it was surrealistic and timeless and he thought idly about asking Kate to cut his hair because he was sure he needed it. They had never gotten around to it after she shaved him and things had gotten a little hairy (no pun intended) since then. "Nah, doesn't matter."
Sayid smiled. "I'm sorry about the beach, Sawyer. You must understand how it looked."
The old Sawyer would have sneered and said something smart, but he suddenly didn't want to. Sawyer, who used to be such an agreeable skin, didn't fit now; he was uncomfortable in it and he itched to get it off. Unconciously scratching at his arm he just smiled. ""It's okay, Apu. No harm, no foul. And it was just stuff, and I'm sure you needed it."
Sayid looked a bit taken aback at that; he'd expected some snotty remark and a racial slur thrown in for good measure. Apu was pretty mild, though somewhat inaccurate, but he didn't bring that up. He didn't know what to say for a minute, just staring at Sawyer, who seemed a little ill at ease. "What happened to you out there?"
Chuckling a little, Sawyer said, "Any other time I would have found that real insultin', Sayid." He paused, glancing furtively around to be sure no one was listening. "I know Kate's going to tell you everything later but I don't think this should wait. Jack and Locke, they both went over to the Others. Don't trust them, if they should happen to show up."
Sayid looked a little shocked, and he leaned close, whispering, "How do you know?"
Sawyer shook his head. "I'll let Kate tell you. I just wanted you to know about Jack. And Locke." Glancing into the jungle, he tried to change the subject. "Did you guys find the stuff in the jungle too?"
Sayid nodded, still trying to digest the information. While he still didn't trust Sawyer completely, he did trust Kate; she had proven herself to him, at least, and if she had faith in Saywer he saw no reason why he shouldn't. "Hurley found it when he was looking for fruit."
His last hope dashed, Sawyer shrugged. "Oh, well. I don't need it anyway." He glanced back down the beach at Sun's tent; Kate and the others had come out and she was looking around, frantically, he hoped for him. He smiled at Sayid and started down the beach and as Kate saw him her face lit up, dazzling him as always and he had to stop himself from running to her like a lovesick teenager; instead he let her do the running, catching her in his arms and kissing her as she said, "Why didn't you come in?"
The loss of his tent was suddenly much more distressing as he realized that they had no place to go, and he let her go before things got out of hand. "A roomful of cryin' women don't appeal to me, Freckles." Trying to look wounded he said, "I didn't think you'd notice I was gone."
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. I don't feel sorry for you." She kissed him again, aware of the eyes of everyone on them, then took his hand, leading him back towards Sun and Claire. Aaron was crying, still, and Claire had given up on shushing him; Sawyer eyed the baby with dismay, his gaze sliding almost automatically to Kate's stomach, and he swallowed hard, hoping no one had noticed.
Sun did, but she didn't say anything, instead, she smiled at him. "It's good to see you, Sawyer."
His eyes were still on the baby, and Kate was amused, and a little scared, at the look of horror and terror on his face as comprehension began to sink in for him. He tore his eyes away and glanced at Sun, mumbling, "Yeah, good to see you too," before turning his eyes back to Aaron, who had stopped crying at the sound of Sawyer's voice.
Kate's arms slid around him and she said, "Can you believe how big he is?"
Now that he had stopped crying he wasn't so bad, and Sawyer could see that he had grown; his body was almost right with his head, and he grinned despite himself as the baby smiled and cooed a little. At the sound of Kate's voice, though he started crying again, and Kate felt Sawyer tense as he said, "Do they all do that?"
Aaron stopped crying again, and Sawyer rolled his head back, giving the baby an exasperated look as Kate laughed, and Claire held Aaron out, a little, smiling as she said, "He likes you. You want to hold him?"
If it hadn't hurt so much she would have laughed out loud at the look of abject terror on his face as Claire thrust Aaron into his arms; he acted like she was touching him with a hot poker and Kate reached out, taking the baby instead. She'd been aching to hold him, anyway, and she knew Sun felt the same way; knowing they were having their own made them hungry for him, to feel his little body, so helpless and small, to cuddle and love him.
As she held little Aaron in her arms, talking to him, touching his little hands and fingers with awe, Sawyer was affected more than he thought he would be; it was late afternoon and the sun beginning to sink and it cast a hazy glow around her, holding the baby, and he was reminded suddenly of a stained glass window from somewhere in his childhood, of a kneeling Mary, holding the baby Jesus with the sun shining through the glass making it all hazy and glorious at the same time. She was beautiful, but even more so than usual; he could flash forward in his mind and see her that way with their son and it was so fcking perfect that he couldn't breathe for a minute.
His feet carried him next to her and she smiled at the dazed, awed look on his face and she handed Aaron to him, gently, and as he felt the little body curled int his, how light, but how warm and solid he was he turned his gaze to Kate, who smiled and kissed Aaron on the forehead.
Suddenly it was too much; the sweet fragile boy in his arms and the beautiful woman next to him, it made it too real, too...just too much. Panic shot through him, suddenly, and he felt weak and shaky; thrusting Aaron back into Kate's hands he mumbled something about being sorry then walked away as fast as he could without actually running.
Sun came to Kate's rescue, taking the baby from her stunned, shaking hands as she watched Sawyer go; Claire put her arm around her shoulder, soothing her. "It's okay, Kate. I'm sure he'll be back."
Sara knew the look in Kate's eye; she was about to go after him but this was one time it would be better if she didn't. She put her arms around Kate's waist and whispered in her ear, and Kate relaxed, even smiling, though she still seemed a little shocked and hurt. "He just needs a little while, Kate. He'll come back. You know that."
"Well," Kate said, staring after him through blurry eyes as he disappeared into the trees, "It's an island. Where's he going to go?"
He'd forgotten to get water. At the caves. He'd been so angry at Ana he'd forgotten to fill his water bottle, and he had now gone almost another day without drinking, and while his body could stand more punishment than usual it couldn't take that and it was shutting down again, his muscles were screaming and almost refusing to move and he had slowed to a crawl, hoping against hope he would stumble on a stream of some kind. Or rain; he looked skyward but it was bright blue, not a cloud in sight.
Dehydration was numbing his mind; he'd forgotten where he was going, how to get there; he was wandering blindly in the jungle, just willing his feet to keep moving until he could find water. He was hallucinating too; he kept seeing Ana everywhere and he followed her, trying to speak but she either couldn't hear him or he wasn't actually speaking. he couldn't tell which. But she beckoned him on, calling him forward, deeper into the jungle, farther away from the trail. Sometimes she'd disappear altogether, leaving him wandering, but she'd pop up again, luring him with her body and her eyes; he wanted her so badly he began to run after her whenever she appeared and just when he thought he had her she'd vanish and his fingers would close on thin air.
After a few times he began to cry, though there wasn't enough moisture left in his body to make tears; he was going to give up, he couldn't take her dancing away from him anymore.
She suddenly appeared next to him, sorrow and regret in her eyes as she held out her hand; he was afraid to take it, afraid that she'd pull it away, or worse, that it wouldn't be real at all, but he was weak, so weak, and he wanted to touch her, even if it was just a second, so he thrust his hand blidly, gasping in shock when it landed in hers, and she was real, tangible.
She helped him up, not speaking, and he didn't either; his throat was too dry and he didn't think she could hear him anyway. His hand was burning where she was holding it and he loved it, loved the fire of her skin but he held back, letting the fear take him again, the fear that she'd vanish.
He heard something, then, rushing water and she led him into a clearing with a waterfall and a large pool, and suddenly her hand was smoke, mist; she shimmered in front of him, holding his eyes with regret and love. And hatred.
She kissed him, suddenly, and it was real, but in the next instant she was gone, vanished in a mist, though he could still feel her lips on his.
He fell to his knees at the water's edge, too tired, too broken to go on, to even muster the energy to drink. What had he done? How had he fcked up so badly? He'd only done what he thought was right and it had cost him everything.
His hand touched his lips as he sank down next to the water, too tired to even cup it into his hands; he drank like an animal, crouching down and sucking it in and as his muscles and tissues began absorbing it tears began to run down his face, dripping from his cheeks and falling back into the water.
