Chapter 142
Sawyer walked off of the beach, sick with shame and loathing; he couldn't believe he had just done that, just abandoned her like that but cold panic had seized his brain, numbing it to reason and he had simply left. He remembered mumbling something probably incoherent and he didn't think that would ease her much, and it was kind of disturbing that she hadn't come after him.

It was best though, because it would just have degenerated into a fight and at least this way they got the same results without saying hurtful things they'd regret later. Not that he wouldn't regret this later, hell he already regretted it, he wanted to turn back, but the thought of facing her was bad enough; facing her in front of the camp was unthinkable. He hadn't come that far yet.

His feet were carrying him, he wasn't paying attention where; he was blinded by fear and guilt and the nagging knowledge that he was in way over his head and had no one to turn to, because he couldn't go to Kate with his fears without scaring her and he wasn't willing to do that. Eko was gone, hell, Vincent was gone, he had no one to guide him, to help him do what had to be done. What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to fight? He wanted some answers, and now, when he needed them the most, when he knew what hung in the balance, there was no one to answer him.

Those fears fed into his doubts about Joshua; he was being called upon to save his son from an uncertain future, to help him by destroying the demons before they could get him in their clutches, whether it was now or thirty-six years from now, and he didn't know how to do it. He was failing already and the kid wasn't even born. His father's story wasn't lost on him, either, he could die, and Kate, and with her Joshua and the cycle would be broken, the Island would win. There were no other male heirs in his family; he was the last until the baby. He was like his father in so many ways, even the painful ones, and he hoped that wasn't an omen.

How could he go to Kate with those things? He wanted her to believe in him, that he could take care of them. He could go to her, and she would understand, that wasn't the problem; he didn't want to seem so helpless, so much the baby that she had called him. And as always, he knew they were silly fears, that he was being stupid but he couldn't stop himself. When he held that little boy, on the beach, and he felt what it was like, the responsibility of it came crashing onto his shoulders; in an instant he'd gone from a guy to a father and it had scared him senseless. How could he tell Kate he wasn't ready?

Misery and guilt crushed down on him until his legs were like lead and he couldn't go another step; it was a mark of how far he had come that those feelings would take such a toll on him because three weeks earlier he carried those emotions with him everyday, every second and they hadn't slowed him. In fact, they had powered him, giving him drive until he found something to take their place.

And he had done that; those emotions that helped him survive had been replaced, instead of guilt and misery he had love and happiness and for the first time since he was eight years old he had a reason to breathe other than revenge. But he couldn't. He couldn't breathe, the weight of the world was crushing him and he stopped, unable to lift another foot; defeated, he sat down, leaned against a tree and put his head in his hands.

"Well hello, Sawyer. I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to say hello on the beach."

He lifted his head and he had to smile; Rose was standing in front of him, looking a little concerned. "Hey, Rose." He stood, slowly and almost painfully, and gave her a huge hug. "It's good to see you."

She nodded, more concerned over the way he was moving and, as she looked into his anguished eyes, feeling. "What's wrong, honey? You're moving like you're eighty years old." She took his elbow and guided him back down to the ground. "Sit down before you fall down."

Leaning back against the tree, he said, "How's Bernie? How come he ain't with you?"

She lowered herself creakily to the ground across from him, grunting just a little, as she situated herself she answered, "He's off tryin' to fish. Lord knows the man tries." She glanced up at him. "How come you're not with Kate?"

His smile faded and he turned his head. "She's with Claire and the baby."

"That didn't exactly answer my question, now did it?"

He sighed, a hint of a smile touching the corners of his mouth. "No, I don't guess it did." His lungs were screaming silently because the weight was crushing his chest and he couldn't breathe and he thought, why not? Why not Rose? He grasped at the rope she was throwing him. "I...I panicked. I ran away when she needed me."

She scooted around to his side, putting her arm over his shoulder and the weight lifted just a little and he began to cry. "Now, now," she soothed, "It can't be all that bad." She hugged his shoulder. "Kate's the one who is supposed to have the crying fits, honey."

"You know?"

She chuckled at his surprised look. "It's a small island. Word travels fast around here." She gazed at him, kindly. "Is that why you panicked?"

He turned away and nodded, still ashamed of himself, but as the first words left his lips it was like a flood; the gates had been opened and he said, "I was holding Aaron and it just hit me, the truth of it, the reality of it, and I...I don't know what to do, Rose. I have something I have to do, for them, and I don't know how."

"Now, look here, what you did was perfectly natural. Maybe not the best thing you could have done, but it's nothin', honey. "

He wanted...he wanted reassurance and he said, "I'm not ready."

Rose just chuckled. "No one's ever ready. No one knows how to be a parent. You learn as you go, and you learn together."

He tried something else, desperate for the relief of her words. "I can't take care of them. I don't know how to...protect 'em." He closed his eyes, forcing himself to say the words. "I feel so helpless."

Rose sighed as sadness fell over her face and her normal jolly demeanor was gone. "Bernard and I lost our son when he was five years old. Leukemia. Talk about helpless..." her voice trailed off for a second and he saw tears in her eyes, but she continued, "We couldn't protect him, either. We couldn't save him. I prayed every day, every day that I had to watch my little angel wither away in front of me and I couldn't do anything. It nearly drove Bernard insane. There was nothing we could do that we hadn't done, and one night he just slipped away." She looked Sawer in the eye, making him meet her gaze. "But I was thankful for every single second that we had him; I wouldn't trade an instant of it. He died. It didn't mean we didn't love him, that we were bad parents. Sadness is part of life, Sawyer. It's part of love. Being scared is natural, everyone is scared, but you push it aside and you deal with it because this is your life, Sawyer, and you don't want to miss any of it feeling sorry for yourself."

He couldn't ay anything; his throat was closed up and he didn't know what to say anway. He just nodded, a little, and Rose patted him on the shoulder, gently, then tried to heave herself up of of the ground, without much success. "You gonna help this old lady up?"

He leapt to his feet, the weight suddenly gone as he took Rose's words to heart, and he held out his hand, pulling her creakily to her feet, and holding her steady as she brushed the leaves and twigs from her clothes. He could breathe again, the act of getting the fears of of his chest had taken away the crushing weight and he suddenly hugged Rose, tight. "Thanks."

"You're welcome, honey." He smiled at her once more, flashing his dimples as he headed back towards the beach. "She's at the hatch, Sawyer, " Rose called after him, and he changed direction; as he pssed her he hugged her again, then winked as he disappeared in the direction of the hatch.

Rose sighed as he vanished into the trees, shaking her head. Men were such babies.

Kate had stayed with the women for a little while after Sawyer's abrupt departure, trying not to feel a little embarassed at his behavior; she knew he'd just panicked because she'd seen the look on his face, but it stung a little that his response had been to haul ass.

Eventually she, Sara and Ana pulled themselves away and headed to the hatch, to meet up with Sayid; Kate hoped Sawyer would come back by then because he needed to be a part of this, a part of what was going on. And she needed him.

Halfway to the hatch Ana stopped and said, "I'll catch up with you. I have something I have to do."

Sara stared at her suspiciously. "And what would that be?"

It was no use lying; Kate was too skilled at picking up lies and Sara would just know. "I just want to make sure he's okay. I...I have a bad feeling." She glanced at them, hesitantly. "I'll be right back."

Sara smiled, but it was a kind of warning, almost. "We can't stop you. I think it's a bad idea, myself."

Kate shook her head; it wasn't exactly the same situation, but she'd do anything to see Sawyer right now, to know he was okay, and she could imagine how Ana felt, how much she wanted to see Jack, just lay eyes on him for a second to be sure he was alive. "No, you should go."

Sara looked at Kate like she'd gone insane, but Ana just smiled. "You can come with me, Sara, if you don't trust me."

She looked like she was going to accept Ana's offer but Kate shook her head imperceptibly and so she sighed. "No. Go if you want." She grabbed Ana's arm, pulling her close. "Be careful, Ana. Don't be tempted by the apple, or Eden will be forever lost."

Glaring, Ana jerked her arm away. "I don't like apples." She threw Kate a smile. "I'll be back. I promise." Looking around to make sure they were alone, she disappeared in a cloud of grayish-pink smoke.

Kate smiled at Sara, gesturing at the dissipating haze. "That was different."

But would it last? Ana had made steps in the right direction, and going back to Jack was the worst thing she could do, at least, right now, because he still held too much sway over her, he still had power over her. Sara gave Kate a wan smile. "Yes. It was."

Her bad feeling was justified when she saw him, pale and wan, stumbling blindly through the jungle, an empty water bottle dangling in his fingers. His eyes were bright and crazy, and when he saw her she could tell he thought he was hallucinating and he started talking but he was so dehydrated and his mouth so dry that no sound came out, just a long whispering hiss.

He was coming toward her and she backed away, hoping he'd follow her to some water; she could have carried him, helped him, but she was afraid to touch because what little bit of resolve she had would be gone in an instant and she wouldn't go back. She wanted to go back, she liked the Ana she was becoming, the goodness she felt with them and though she loved Jack, and wanted him, she wasn't so willing to give everything up and love him blindly.

He kept trying to touch her and when he began to cry she almost gave in and went to him but she didn't; it was only when he fell and refused to move that she finally did it. She held out her hand but he only stared at it, doubt and fear in his eyes and then he thrust his out, gasping when she was real and she felt the fire in her building, exactly what she was afraid of, and she pulled him to his feet, trying to keep her distance because he was going to grab her and she would be lost, she'd give in. He didn't though, and she led him quickly through the jungle, her hand on fire where he held it and as she led him into the clearing with the waterfall she dissolved herself as quickly as she could, before it was too late.

She was going back, now, while she still could, but she met his eyes as she went, and it was her undoing; he was haggard and drawn and near death but when he looked at her he was Jack, smiling, laughing, happy Jack, the man she loved, the man she hated, and before she knew what she was doing she was kissing him and he responded, kissing her back and it was hot, so hot that she drew back, regretfully and vanished, leaving him alone in the clearing.

Kate was beginning to worry when they were almost to the airlock door and there was no sign of Ana or Sawyer; was her judgement that far off? She sighed with relief as Ana joined them, stepping out of the trees with a sad, tired smile.

They stopped while Ana caught up to them and Kate hugged her, a little surpised at how cold she felt. "You okay?"

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak because every ounce of energy she had was being used to keep herself from going back to him, giving up and giving in. It was easier, though, with Kate beside her and Sara smiling in approval, and slowly, gradually, as they began to walk, the urge to go back to him lessened.

The airlock door was just ahead and as they reached it Kate stopped, gazing around the jungle once more, hoping- no, expecting- Sawyer to come out, smiling and cocky, and she almost cried with disappointment when he didn't as she finally slipped inside, closing the door behind her.