Chapter 145
Dawn found Ana on the beach, as far from the makeshift graveyard as she could get. She hadn't slept at all, staring out at the ocean, watching it roll in, roll out; it was hypnotic and constant, never changing and that was a comfort.

Because everything else was changing, moving, shifting as they moved further into the future; Libby and Hurley, of all people, were getting closer, Bernard and Rose were always quibbling, Sun was pregnant, Aaron was getting bigger; somehow she had thought of the camp as being just the same, though she hadn't spent a lot of time there, it had seemed more like a home than the tailie camp had. And Sayid; he was almost as she had expected, he hadn't changed much since they had been gone. But maybe he had.

Her fingers went unconciously to her lips, feeling where he had kissed her. It had been nice, different from Jack; with Jack it was lusty, passionate, electric, but Sayid's kiss had been gentle and affectionate, comforting and sad. But it had aroused her just the same, maybe not to the extent of Jack's, no one else could ever get her to that kind of excitement because she loved him, but he didn't want her, so why deny someone else? Not that she expected to jump into the sack with Sayid right away, she wasn't ready to do that, she'd only been apart from Jack for a couple of days and she ached for him, wanted him so terribly she couldn't bear it, but it was something she could hold on to, something to keep her damaged heart afloat until she could find a safer harbor.

She'd felt something with Sayid, though, back in the jungle when she had killed Shannon; they had connected, when everyone else was gone and it was just the two of them. He'd felt it too, even drowning in grief for Shannon, and she knew it, but it had been lost in the aftermath of guilt and self-hatred. And then she'd seen Jack, with Eko, and Sayid was forgotten in the same sudden rush of desire she'd felt in the airport, though he was staring at her with disappointment and sorrow. He'd been the first one to come to her, though, at the camp, other than her own people, and that was it, that was when she'd fallen in love with him.

Dawn revealed her tears and she wiped them away, angrily, wondering why she was still here. Why wasn't she with Jack? What did good and evil matter anyway? All she cared about was him, touching, kissing, fcking him until neither one of them could move. It was building, the more she thought about it, the more she wanted it and she was so close to giving in and going, just vanishing in a puff of coal black smoke and finding him that she had risen to her feet to go back to the jungle so she could vanish in solitude.

She sat back down with a defeated plop. What the hell was she doing? He didn't want her, a fact made even more obvious, now that she thought about it, because he hadn't come after her. She wasn't hard to find, if he wanted it enough; they'd left tracks all the way to the beach. And why didn't he just ask the island? The Island had all of the answers, according to him, so why wasn't he here? It was as plain as day. He really didn't want her. He really didn't care.

People were starting to come out of their tents, stretching, yawning, building up the fires; Ana stood and walked quickly up the beach, into the trees. She didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone; she just wanted to be alone with her misery and despair. A voice whispered in her head. Maybe he's afraid to come to you.

She ignored it; he should be afraid to come to her but, come on, if he loved her he'd come, no matter what. This was Jack, not some awkward teenage boy; he didn't let fear stop him. There was no other explanation, no other reason why he hadn't come.

She felt it when her heart broke; it was like an ice block, split down the middle with an icy chisel, shattering into a million shards that ripped her insides apart then dissolved, leaving her bleeding and heartless. She couldn't breathe, the icy shards had frozen her lungs, too, and she gasped as she stumbled blindly through the jungle, blinded by tears and hurt.

The alarm went off again and Sawyer rolled groggily out of the bunk, trying not to wake Kate, though it didn't seem like that would be a problem; she was dead to the world, snoring like a lumberjack with her mouth slightly open, and he hesitated, kissing her softly before padding out to the damn computer.

Someone else was already at the computer and the counter reset as Sun turned to him, smiling, and he was suddenly very glad he had put his boxers on earlier. "Hello, Sawyer."

He glanced back to make sure Kate was covered up; it was Sun, but he still didn't want her exposed while she was sleeping. "Hey, Sun." He glanced down at her belly, smiling. "I guess you found the pregnancy test in my stash, huh?"

'Why, do you need it?" she laughed, and nodded towards Kate. "How is she?"

"Tired." She didn't miss the hint of a grin around his lips, even in the dimly lit room. "What are you doin' here?"

"My shift." She sat down on the rollaway chair and Sawyer's grin widened as he remembered what he and Kate had done there, after he'd been returned from the Others. It made him want to go wake her up. "I saw you two sleeping so I left the lights dim."

"Is it light outside?" He tired to figure how long they'd been down here, if they'd hit the button one...two...threee..four times, and each time was one hundred and eight minutes, that was like two hours, so if they came down here after dark-

"It's just past sunrise." He sighed with relief because he was too sleepy to try to do so much math so early.

"Thanks." The airlock door groaned open and they both turned to see who was coming in to the hallway; Sawyer smiled as Sara came in, looking a little worried, though she turned her head a little when she realized he was clad only in boxers. "Morning, sunshine. Why the rain cloud?"

She glanced at Kate, apparently relieved to see that she was asleep, and she whispered, "Have you seen Ana?"

Sawyer didn't like the sound of that. "No. Not since you two left last night. Why?"

Sun said, "I saw her this morning, on the beach. She was going into the jungle. Just at dawn."

That relieved Sara a little, since it meant that she wasn't far. She couldn't stop Ana, if she wanted to go back to him, but she could try to talk her out of it, show her what a mistake it would be. "Good. She just seemed so...upset last night."

"I was far away, but she seemed very upset this morning also."

Sara sighed, undecided; she didn't want Ana to think she wasn't trusted, but going to see Jack the night before had been a mistake. It wasn't like Sara didn't know the kind of pull Jack had; if not for the support and encouragement of her family she would have gone back to him within a week. Once the worst of it was over that desire had gone; she still loved him but he was a stranger. A part of another life. It would be that way for Ana, too, and it would be better for her eventually; if she could just get past the first week she'd be alright. "Will you go with me Sawyer? To find her?" She whispered, "She has something of Kate's we need back."

He looked at her questioningly, but he knew she wouldn't ask her to leave Kate behind if it wasn't important, so he glanced at Sun. "Will you stay with her? I don't want her to wake up alone."

Sun nodded. "Of course. I'll be here for another five hours anyway, but if she's still asleep of course I'll stay." She smiled. "You're not the only one who loves her, Sawyer."

He grinned and said softly, "I know." He turned back to Sara. "Okay, Professor, I guess I'm yours. Temporarily, of course. " He winked at her and she blushed a little, wondering if he had that effect on every woman he met. Probably. "Let me get dressed."

Quietly thankful for that, Sara turned to Sun. "How are you doing today? How's the little one?"

They fell into a muted conversation about pregnancy and morning sickness and Sawyer went back into the bunkroom, pulling his clothes on quietly while he watched Kate sleep. He didn't want to go, he didn't want to leave her, especially since he'd just told her he wouldn't leave again. Different circumstances, of course, but still the same result. He was leaving abruptly with no goodbye, no explanation and he hoped she wouldn't be too angry. But she would, though not from any of that. She'd be pissed because she was being left behind at all, left out of the group. Sighing, he kissed her again, smoothing her hair gently back from her face; she stirred and he hoped for a second she'd wake up so she could go, but she just rolled over, burying her face in the pillow and slipping back into soft snores.

There wasn't any reason to stall so he left the bunkroom, glancing back at her once more as he and Sara turned down the hallway to the airlock. The light was blinding after the darkness of the hatch and Sawyer took a minute to let his eyes adjust, and if he admitted it to himself, to give Kate a few more seconds to wake up and join them. Sara didn't press him, but after a few minutes she said, "Sun said she saw her going into the jungle to the left of the cave path, whatever that is. She said you'd know."

Forcing his mind away from Kate he said, "Yeah, I know where it is. If we cut through there," he pointed to a copse of trees to their southwest, "we may intercept her trail." He found a reason to wait for Kate. "But I don't know how to track even if we do find it. Do you?"

Nice try, Sara thought. "I'll know it if we see it."

Damn Angels. "What are we waitin' for then, Professor?"

With his new hope and restored energy, Jack made it to the Backgammon hatch before dawn, slipping in and running into the chamber, expecting to find them all there, playing the game.

It was empty. For a second he thought he might be too late, that they had already gotten in but the disc was still in place, apparently unmoved, as it was covered in dust. And there were no footprints except for his and Ana's.

He sighed with relief. He wasn't too late, they hadn't gotten here yet. He tried to sit and wait for them but it suddenly hit him; maybe somthing had happened to them, maybe something had gone wrong. They should have beaten him here, or he should have seen some sign of them but he didn't. Panic began to well up in his chest because that was it, something had to be wrong. He dashed back up the stairs to the exit, pounding up the hallway until he came out into weak dawn, gasping for air, partly from the run but mostly from fear. He had to find her.

Closing his eyes, he turned his face to the sun, lifting his arms and begging silently for the island to direct him, to tell him where she was.

He was at the caves and he stared around in confusion, but then they began to speed by him, the walls of the caves were coming right at him but he couldn't move; throwing up his arms he waited for the impact but it never came. Opening his eyes he was in the jungle, the caves receding behind him as the jungle slid by and he got it, he was being shown the way. He tried to concentrate as the featureless trees slid by, but there was a boulder, and there was a tree that looked like a pitchfork, and there was a stream with stepping stones, and there, past the stream was a waterfall and a small pool, not the one he had been at last night.

The landscape stopped and he was at the pool, then in a flash he was back on the mountaintop, next to the hatch, his arms out and face raised and he stayed that way for a while, crucified on the sun's morning beams.

Sayid stayed beside Shannon's grave for the rest of the night, though his thoughts weren't all of her; he found that Ana kept slipping in, no matter how hard he tried to keep her out. That he had kissed her had shocked him, a little, but that he felt something in it had stunned him. He'd felt dead for so long, it seemed, forever, and she had made him feel a little spark again, a little bit of life returning.

It would lead nowhere, of course, becuase she was still madly in love with Jack and that wasn't likely to change anytime soon, and he still loved Shannon, he still yearned for her everyday.

But it was lessening, diminshing a little every day. The yearning, not the love. He hated himself for it.

As dawn began to creep over the ocean he stood, brushing the sand from his clothes before heading into the jungle; he didn't want to face anyone, not now, especially not Ana and he headed for his favorite hiding spot, his own little oasis in the jungle where he could be alone. Amazingly, it seemed none of the other castaways had stumbled upon this little glade, and he spent many hours there when he needed to get away from the camp.

He found himself at the tree line, glancing back at the camp one more time, looking for her. She wasn't there, and his disappointment was a surprise to himself.

The alarm was going off and Kate leapt groggily out of the bed, having the presence of mind to wrap the blanket around her before she stumbled out to the computer, and she was a pleasantly surprised to find Sun there, punching in the code and hitting execute. "Hey." she glanced back at the bed to make sure Sawyer was covered, only then realizing through her sleepiness that he wasn't there. "Where's Sawyer?"

Sun smiled at the hint of panic in Kate's voice and siad, "He went with Sara to help find Ana."

Kate was fully awake now. "Ana's gone?" There was a distinct edge of panic now, and Sun was a little puzzled that Kate and Sawyer had the same reaction. Fear. Why was Ana being gone so frightening?

"Not far, I just saw her on the beach a few hours ago, but Sara and Sawyer have been gone for a while."

"Why didn't they wake me up?" She was angry, and Sun tried to placate her a little.

"You needed rest, Kate. You can't push yourself-" He words were cut off as Kate suddenly dashed to the bathroom and she heard the sounds of retching. "Like you used to." Sighing, she went in to see if she was alright.

She was leaning over the sink, water running, cupping it and splashing her face, which was a pasty white, while her other hand clutched the blanket around her. She smiled when she saw Sun, weakly, and said, "Just part of the process, huh?" She still felt sick, though she supposed a lot of it was the huge feast they'd eaten the night before, and she wondered how the others were faring. She was gonna find out, anyway, because she was going after them. As soon as her stomach stopped rolling.

Sun smiled, pulling Kate's hair back from her pale face. "It passes."

Kate took a deep breath, still leaning over the sink, but the cool water and oxygen seemed to be working and the nausea passed. She smiled, letting her breath out. "That really sucks."

Sun laughed and handed Kate a towel. "Yes, it does."

Kate hurried back into the bunkroom pulling her clothes on and slipping on her shoes. Sun watched her, warily, as she picked up her pack and pulled out two bottles. "How long ago did they leave?"

"Where are you going?"

She had moved to the kitchen, filling one bottle with water and the other with what was left of the grape juice; it filled about half the bottle. "I'm going after James. He needs me." She ginned at Sun's worried face. "I'll be fine. I've been doing this for a while now, you know. And I can track him, easily enough. How long ago did they leave?"

Sun sighed, wondering if it was even worthwhile to try and talk Kate out of it; it probably wasn't. She was going to do what she wanted anyway. "About three hours ago." Kate started for the door. "Kate!" She stopped and turned back to Sun. "Be...be careful."

Grinning, Kate said, "Careful doesn't work so well for me. I always get into more trouble that way." She disappeared down the hallway and Sun sighed as she heard the airlock door groan shut.

I will not be updating here any more due to restrictions on my time, but if you wish to read the rest of the story you can find it at Sorry for any inconveniences, and thank you for reading!

Sherrandy