Author's Note: Finally, a longer chapter . Happy Reading and as always leave a review on the way out. Dark rolling sea.
CHAPTER FIVE
A few hours later Rachel was in the hanger bay overseeing the loading of the cure containers. She made sure each container was securely in place and double checked the numbers. She was counting the last batch as they were ready to be placed in the helicopter and turned around to let the petty officer know they were ready. Her head was still looking at the containers when she slammed into someone and bounced back. Rachel let out a startled cry and threw her arms out to try and recover her balance. Strong hands wrapped around her biceps on each arm and steadied her before she fell.
"Whoa, slow down there, Doc," Tom's gravelly baritone rumbled through her ears. She stood up taller and nodded. "Everything ready for tomorrow?"
She waited for him to release her arms, but his grip remained firm. There was no hint of emotion in his body language, his voice, or his eyes. She had no idea what he was thinking. He was looking at her expectantly and she formed an answer in her head.
"Ah, yes. Everything is packaged and secure for transport tomorrow. This batch here is the last batch needing loaded. I'll be ready to ride in with the first shipment in the morning."
"No." Tom said.
"Excuse me?" Rachel asked pulling back slightly. His grip didn't waver, his hands still holding her arms.
"I'm not putting you on the first drop. It's too dangerous."
"Captain, I need to be there to make sure everything is administered correctly. I'm the one that…"
"I said no."
"I'm not your sailor. I don't have to follow your orders."
"Maybe true. But the helo is mine and I say you're not getting on it."
"Why?" she demanded, her anger bubbling over.
"Like I said. It's too dangerous. I'll land Vulture team first. They will assess the situation and if they find it safe then I'll allow you to join them on a future shipment."
"Captain, this is ridiculous! I should be with the first shipment. I need to be there to make sure…"
"Rachel, I said no," he barked, showing some emotion for the first time. "Look, it's a safety issue. I'm responsible for this ship and everyone on it. That includes you even if you don't think it does."
"I'm going to be on that first helo in the morning."
"Don't make me use force. I already told you it's not happening."
"Tom," she said angrily. "What's this really about?"
"What?"
"It's not about danger is it."
"Look, there isn't room with Vulture team. I'm not leaving a member of the team back so you can go. Vulture team knows what to do, you've trained them."
"This is bloody wrong," Rachel said and finally pulled her arms free, dropping them to her side. "And you know it," she gritted at him. Tom dropped his arms to his side and sighed.
"Look, it's not personal," he began.
"Or is it?" she snapped back with fire burning in her eyes. Tom stopped and looked at her, cocking his head to the side, eyebrows raising. "Let's hear the truth here, Captain!" He looked around the hanger bay and noticed his sailors trying very hard to not look like they were listening in to the captain argue with the doctor.
"Come on," Tom growled as he gripped her left bicep again. He walked past her and tugged gently getting her to follow him. She resisted at first but the look he gave her made her shuffle her feet and follow him down the passageway towards his stateroom.
Once inside he let go of her arm and turned back to shut the hatch. Rachel's anger had grown on the walk. As soon as he turned back to her, she stepped forward and pointed a finger in his face. He stopped and leaned back slightly, shocked.
"I'm getting on the first helo in the morning. Pick a member of Vulture team to stand down. This is my mission."
"Like hell it is," Tom barked right back. "My ship, my mission." His eyes were burning with a fierce anger now. Rachel dropped her hands to her hips and glared up at him.
"I'm the one who's been tasked with this bloody mission. It's my job to administer this vaccine and cure! I worked tirelessly on this and now I'm going to see it through to the end."
"After my teams check the area for danger!" Tom half growled at her. She took a step back.
"Why are you so angry with me?" she asked suddenly. The question shocked the captain, maybe even shocked herself. He clenched his jaw several times.
"I'm not," he ground out through clenched teeth. Rachel laughed.
"Could have fooled me. If you're not mad at me then why do tell are we having this bloody conversation, Captain?"
"I already told you it's too dangerous to send you out there without some kind of recon on the ground. We can't lose you to something that can be prevented!" he shouted. He took a deep breath and licked his lips. "Can we take down the volume? I'm not keen on the whole ship hearing our argument."
"What don't want any more fodder for the gossip gun?"
"The…gossip…what? This doesn't have anything to do with anything except the safety and integrity of the mission. And that means all personal. I'm sorry. You can ride in on the second helo drop as long as Vulture team gives a green light."
"Tom, this is ridiculous. I can be on that first helo."
"Why are you so damned stubborn!" Tom grounded out.
"I'm still waiting to hear the reason you're mad at me."
"I'm not."
"And you say I'm stubborn."
"Look, Rachel," he began but the stopped. He rubbed his face hard, then teepeed his hands over his nose.
"What," she said softly. He dropped his hands and looked away. She watched him wage a war of emotion and waited him out. He was standing with his arms crossed over his chest staring at the floor contemplating what to say next. She reached up and gently placed her hand on his arm. He looked at the contact.
"Just please don't fight me on this anymore. Agree to let me do this my way."
"Tom," she began.
"No," he said sternly. "Listen. Maybe there's…just please don't fight me on this now."
"Why are you mad at me."
"I'm not," he said flatly. He waited a long minute before he spoke again. "I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at me because I can't seem to figure anything out. I can't fix my own head."
"What do you mean?" she asked. He refused to make eye contact with her. He swallowed hard and licked his lips. Rachel squeezed her hand gently. "Tom, I don't know what's been going on with you. You seem to be sending me all kinds of mixed signals and quite frankly…I'm bloody confused."
"I know. I'm sorry," he whispered, still avoiding making eye contact.
"All I know is that I need to be there to administer that cure. I need to be in port tomorrow to make sure this all goes correctly. We only get one shot at this."
"I know that. But please let me make sure it's safe," he pleaded.
"Captain, nothing is safe right now. It's a world that's been thrown into turmoil and the only chance it has to settle down is me and those containers. You know this," she said, pulling her hand back. Tom's eyes finally met hers for a brief moment before he looked down again. They were both quiet for a long time.
"Seeing you with Tex made everything even more confusing," he muttered. Rachel's brows knitted together as she tried to decipher his words.
"What?"
"I…I'm sorry about everything. The mixed signals, the awkward moments…all of it. I'm just…confused," he sighed. He ran his hands over his short hair.
"I don't understand," Rachel said stepping back into the room. She was tired of standing and looking for somewhere to sit down. She took a seat in a chair at his desk. He hesitated for a moment then walked over and leaned against the desk next to her.
"That night you found me in here, broken?"
"You weren't broken, Tom. Not then, not now," she replied softly. He shrugged his shoulders.
"That night you helped me with my grief, I finally was able to process that my wife was gone. I'm a widower. That was a hard reality for me to accept," Tom continued quietly. Rachel reached out and slipped her fingers between his, taking his hand gently in her own. "Once I accepted that I was in fact a widower, things started to build in my head. I have no idea when it started but I know when it solidified."
"What?"
"Ever since that kiss on the Vyerni," Tom whispered, "things in my head have been different. So, I tried to act on those…feelings. But it went wrong because the other half of me felt like I was…cheating."
"Our dinner," Rachel said, squeezing his hand gently.
"Yes. I really wanted that to…go differently," he replied, with a deep sigh. "Then it was just weird in my head. My heart knew what it felt, but my brain was still not…ready…I guess. Then that day I found you in the lab trying to reach the top shelf."
"That was…nice," Rachel replied remembering the contact. Tom smiled.
"It was, but again my brain…panicked. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. If you aren't ready for this now, we can stay friends. We can wait if you want." Tom stared at her for a long moment. There was something burning in those bright blue orbs.
"It made me angry how easily you and Tex came in that room tonight," Tom mustered. Rachel's eyes widened. "The easy banter, the laughing, the conversation. I was jealous…am jealous."
He stopped then and shook his head. Rachel didn't know what to say. She hadn't known he was going to be there eating too. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. With all his mixed signals it really was his fault, but then she turned it around and wondered how she would have felt if Tom had been having dinner with a woman like that. It hit hard.
"I'm sorry," she replied. He nodded and a sadness overtook his face. "How do we fix this?"
"I don't know. How do I fix my head? How do I convince myself that I'm not cheating by…" he stopped talking abruptly and looked down at his shoes. "I just know I want to make sure land is safe tomorrow before I let you go ashore."
"Tom," she said with annoyance.
"Rachel, this isn't up for debate."
"We've been debating it for a while now."
"No, you have. But the answer still hasn't changed."
"You think about that kiss on the Vyerni?" The question caught him off guard. A red flush crept up his cheeks and he looked at his shoes again. He attempted to pull his hand back, but Rachel held firm, using it to pull herself to her feet.
"More than I should," he whispered. He sucked in a deep breath and pursed his lips before he looked into Rachel's eyes. "I think that's when I figured out things were changing. I mean I get it started to pass the note, but…"
"But?"
"But it kept going," he mused as he stared at the floor again. Rachel could see the turmoil of feeling brewing in his eyes. "You kept going…I kept going."
"So, then things changed?"
"Maybe. I don't know. I just don't know how to…shit," he sputtered and pushed away from the desk turning his back on her and walking a few steps. His hands rubbed his face hard, then he stared at the wall. "I don't remember this being so difficult before."
"What?"
"Just…I loved my wife, Rachel."
"I know that, Tom," she replied softly.
"It doesn't just go away."
"I know that too."
"I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place in my head. I know she's gone, maybe I just need more time to…I don't know."
Rachel walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, then leaned her ear against his back, pressing herself into him. His hands came to rest overtop of her own hands.
"I don't know what to do either, Captain, but the mixed signals hurt," she said. She felt the captain stiffen. They were silent for a long moment, standing together enjoying the moment. Eventually she felt Tom shifting his body, turning in her grasp. She picked her head up as he came face to face with her, his arms snaking around her shoulders, his hands clasping behind her neck.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled.
"You've said that," she whispered.
"I don't know how to fix it," he continued. Rachel thought he was close to tears. She laid her ear against his chest and listened to his heart thudding away. She had fallen for this man, that much she knew to be true.
"I'm sorry I made you jealous. It was not my intention when I agreed to dinner with him."
"I suppose it's not my place to be angry or jealous," Tom said, as his hand stroked part of her hair. "I know I sent up some seriously mixed signals and I don't have a right…" Rachel picked her head up and placed her fingers over his mouth to stop him.
"It's okay." Rachel murmured.
"And that's only half the problem," Tom whispered against her fingers. His lips brushing her skin, sending heatwaves through her middle.
"Oh?" she asked, dropping her hand.
"Yep. There's a pretty strict rule in the navy about fraternization between shipmates."
"But I'm not in the Navy, Captain."
"Yes, but you are on my ship. You see I can't have any one person's safety be more important in my mind when making decisions."
"But my safety is more important as per the mission."
"That may be but my brain has been brow beaten to not fraternize so I think that may be throwing up mixed signals in my head too. I don't know anymore, Rachel. I just know I'm confused, and I wish I could fix it. I know where I want to be, but I'm not there yet, and I haven't found the bridge over the canyon."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"You do enough already," he said with a laugh. Rachel laid her head against his chest again.
To Be Continued…
