CHAPTER TWELVE
It had been just over a week since they had left South America and headed for home. The voyage had been uneventful and smooth sailing so far. Rachel had enjoyed spending as much time with Tom as they could. For the most part Tom had been relaxed and open around her, but there were still times where she could tell something was weighing deeply on his mind, causing him to withdraw from her. She had left it alone for the most part, trying to wait him out, feeling he might tell her when he was ready.
But the days passed by, and Tom never let her into his worries. She was starting to feel a little worried. Rachel knew this was a huge step for the captain to take and that he was still battling inner demons about moving on from his wife, so soon after her death. But she could also feel and see the love he harbored for her. She hoped that he came to terms soon, or at least talked to her about what was bothering him. They had yet to discuss how they would tell his children, and maybe that was what was haunting him. She was settled against his side, sitting on the couch in his stateroom while he read Moby Dick. She was drifting in and out of sleep as she attempted to read A Tale of Two Cities. She was not getting into it at all. She dropped the book gently to the floor and stretched before burrowing back into his side. His arm wrapped around her and slowly caressed her shoulder.
"Ready for bed?" he asked quietly. She didn't want to move from right where she was. She knew he would most likely read for longer, so she just stayed where she was. She felt him kiss the top of her head. He had been in a relaxed mood for the night, and she thought maybe now would be a good time to talk about what had been bothering him for just over a week.
"Tom," she said softly as she sat up a little. He put the book down into his lap and looked at her, noticing her tone was a little timid. He didn't say anything, but she had his full attention. She struggled with what she wanted to say, and she wondered if he could see the turmoil in her eyes. His hand came up and stroked the side of her face.
"What is it?" he asked. Rachel sighed and then smiled.
"Can we talk about what's bothering you?" Rachel finally managed to get the words out. Tom seemed to freeze up, his eyes took on a look of fear for just the briefest of instants and then the captain was back. She waited for him to respond, but he didn't say anything. Rachel felt her heart sinking. He didn't feel comfortable opening up to her fully. She started to pull away from him and his arm reached out took hold of her gently.
Rachel paused and then slowly looked back at Tom. His emotions were no longer guarded. She saw fear, confusion, pain, something more. She held still waiting for him to lead the conversation. He was still silent, his eyes on her shoulder, his hand still lightly gripping her arm. She wanted to wait but she was losing herself in her own fears. Again, she tried to stand, and he again held fast. She sat back down and looked at him.
"We can either talk about this, or you can let me go and I'll see you tomorrow," Rachel said, trying to hold the emotion out of her voice. She mostly accomplished that goal. Tom finally looked her in the eye, and he started to nod slowly.
"I don't know how to tell the children," Tom finally said. She saw the tears building in his eyes. She took a deep breath and nodded. "I'm working through my own guilt, and I don't know how to tell them I've…moved on."
"We don't have to if you don't want to, at least not yet," she offered. He looked up at the ceiling then back to her. She could see his thoughts tumbling in his eyes.
"That'd mean staying away from you the whole time we were home," he replied. Rachel nodded slowly.
"Yes, it would."
"I don't want that either," he continued, wrapping his hand up in hers. "I'm also worried I'll shut down when we get back to the…house." Rachel looked at him with question and Tom sucked in a deep breath. "I shared that house with her for a long time. I think this," he said as he lifted their hands slightly, "happened so…quickly, because life here…has never had Darien in it, per say. She was never on the ship with me. There's not a million memories bombarding me of her. All the memories on the James are with you. At home…it was always her."
Rachel understood now. Moving forward with her had been made easier because they had been at sea. Darien was there, and he grieved her, but she was never a part of his life on the ship. The memories were of far-off places, easier to compartmentalize and work past them. Now he was going back, to the children she bore for him, the house they lived in together. He was afraid of the raw emotion and the fact that he would be bombarded with sights, sounds, and scents that bring back memories.
"What do you want to do?" Rachel asked.
"I don't know," Tom breathed out. "I do love you and I want you to be a part of our lives. I'm just worried how the children will react. I guess I have just under a week to figure it all out."
"I love you too, Tom," she whispered and leaned her head down against his shoulder. "We will work through this too."
"I know, but that's what's been weighing me down. I'm trying to figure out what to say to them, how to get them to understand."
"You may not be able to right away."
"I know. But I need to try. I need to be able to explain."
They were both quiet for quite some time after that. Rachel leaning into Tom's side, his arm around her shoulders. Rachel found herself slipping off to sleep. Tom shifted under her, and she opened her eyes enough to see that Tom had laid down along the couch, shifting her to lay with him. She settled in again as Tom brought his book up. She never imagined when she took the job to find the virus her life would lead to this.
To Be Continued….
