Disclaimer: I do not own One Punch Man.
Betaed by: Zim'smostloyalservant, Trackula, and Another
Chapter 3
Love is a Game-show?
All right, enough was enough, King had decided.
He'd spent days hoping something would happen to resolve this madness. And in that time, he had been forced to sign this Becky bug girl up for correspondence school, as he was not going to endanger kids, and schoolwork could distract her. He had also learned she could eat sugar in place of blood, and loaded her up with it. With any luck, she'd get fat and lethargic. Though so far, it just made her briefly hyper after eating, and she kept ordering raw meat delivered to get some blood and juicy meat too.
The only true victory he had won was to ban her from any food preparation other than the microwave. She'd managed to set a milkshake on fire.
Saitama had proven no help at all — when he had come over, he'd simply said they'd have to keep their chats PG and stated he hoped King wasn't playing naughty dating games with a kid in the apartment.
"You do know she's a monster, right?"
"Heroes don't punch people just for existing, and she seems harmless. Hey, why don't you make her your sidekick? Though she should pick her own hero name; the Association can't be trusted on giving out good names."
And that had led to Becky declaring her hero name to be Princess, and she was insisting in being addressed as that.
And so the madness went. King had actually taken to more "patrolling" just to get away from her. The only plus side was he was probably getting in better shape, as he was walking the city until he got tired before coming back. His precious sanctuary, his place to shut in as a shut-in, was occupied by the thing that would not leave or even see it was being a nuisance. She had even cleaned and tidied his apartment!
'Aren't insects supposed to revel in filth?'
In summation, he needed a break before he snapped and… well, no, he probably would more run away crying rather than hurt someone. But really, he'd rather not, even if his dignity was the only casualty.
So he had concocted a cunning plan.
"A training trip?" Princess asked. She was perched, crouching on the back of the couch, wearing only a too large t-shirt with the word PLASMA written on it.
"Yes, a very serious training trip where I must have solitude or the consequences could be dire," King said, having already put on a backpack loaded with his ration of games, consoles, and clothes.
"What am I supposed to do while you are gone?"
'Not go on a rampage and kill people,' he thought.
"You should have a sufficient grasp on living here now. I will return in three days… if all goes well. Don't leave the apartment without good reason, and don't respond to any calls from Saitama, he will lead you astray."
She hugged him again; man, she was hard and pointy in places. Yeah, not in that way, bug carapace way, he corrected his mind. Seriously, did people into this kind of thing know what they'd be getting into?
Anyway, soon enough he peeled her off and, nodding a noncommittal response to her declaration of daughterly love, he closed the door and beat a hasty retreat. Now he just needed to find a motel with the right outlets and room service.
This was going to work out fine, he'd been worrying too much, he decided. He'd already physically disabled any cooking implement that wasn't the microwave, and the internet and TV would keep her hypnotized like any child.
Everything would be fine. IT WOULD!
Five Hours Later:
"Bored," Princess muttered, watching an inferior insect scurry across the tabletop toward her partially-eaten Miss Excellence candy bar. She was on the floor, at eye level with the tabletop.
She had become bored. The internet was a strange and ephemeral teacher, fraught with pitfalls and demands for credit cards and personal information.
And the tests left for her by her father were enigmatic. After all, clearly if he was training then so was she, and the first test was to realize she was being tested/trained. Such was the burden of being a daughter of King; his every word was multifaceted with meaning and layered mystery, yet stunning in its wise simplicity.
Smacking the beetle, she spread it on her toast before slathering honey on it and plopping on a thick slice of red beef.
This was her second lunch since he left. She needed to find the purpose of her training quick, or she might start to put on weight and end up shaped like a bee.
The internet was not the answer, but it did lead her to the clue. Lifting the keyboard of the computer looking for a note, she found a credit card!
So the test had to do with spending money? If electronics were the key to clues, the television was the next best bet. Her dad had taken all the video game systems with him, obviously so she would not distract herself from her secret purpose with them. But there was no reason for him to take the games with him. Unless the ones he left behind were the clue?
"Ah ha! Now it's all clear! Dad, I will not be unworthy of your trust!" she declared, with the array of dating sims spread out before her like playing cards. With the power of the internet and credit cards, she would get King what he could not find with his formidable reputation and busy hero schedule — a worthy mate.
Besides, she would need to destroy these things later. The ignorant masses may get the wrong idea about the Hero King if he was found to have these. And they would be obsolete once she completed her training mission anyway.
"Failure is not an option!" she declared, slicing the air with the credit card, "To the internet!"
X X X
HEAR YE, HEAR YE!
TAKE NOTE AND GIVE YOUR ATTENTION TO:
"THE CHALLENGE OF THE WORTHY!"
WIN A DATE WITH THE HERO KING!
Women only to participate in a series of contests and challenges to determine if you are worthy to even contemplate romance with the strongest human!
The contest is not responsible for any damages, illness, disfigurement, loss of life, diarrhea, disillusionment, political incorrectness, time travel or dimensional displacement that may occur to registered contestants. All contestants must register or be considered trespassers and not be covered under any liability.
ARE YE WORTHY?!
From there, the internet announcement went on to announce the time and place. Saitama looked it over again, deciding it wasn't a fake. If nothing else, he was pretty sure that only King's crazy bug would use a chibi image of herself as a signature. At least she seemed to be going by Princess now. That was more thematically appropriate, and somehow the name Becky just didn't feel right.
"Genos, I'm going out to watch women possibly pummel themselves. I'll need a lawn chair."
"Yes, Sensei!" the cyborg said.
One Hour Before The Challenge:
"Hello and welcome, spectators and lurking denizens of the internet. This is your boy Yamada, coming live from Memorial Plaza! And ladies continue to pour in to participate or live vicariously through the contestants like every other gameshow fan ever! Half the square has been tarped off, concealing the supplies and apparatuses, but we have it on good authority they have a battle arena right out of anime there, along with other dark and otherworldly things. FANTASTIC! And just a reminder from our sponsor, the contest rules clearly define a woman as having to possess the full set of fully functional reproductive organs. With apologies, but much like dating sites this contest is without pity or mercy! The quest for love and fulfillment is, as ever, overflowing with heartbreak, disappointment, and rejection. Speaking of rejection, looks like this woman failed the preliminary punch from Princess. Young lady, is there anything you want to say when your stomach is empty?"
"Bugs hit… hard. BLARGH!"
"Hey, watch the shoes, they're expensive. And it's not just the fairer sex that has turned out for this carnival of hormone and loneliness-driven madness. People of all sorts, types, and undefined have turned out to watch so many hopes and dreams crash and burn like that meteor that wiped out a city whose name I can't be bothered to remember! You, Mr. Tall Man! Why change your plans to watch so many fail so miserably?!"
"Well, name's Gus Grendler. And I'm here because my wife is competing."
"Really? Trouble in paradise?" Yamada asked.
"Nah, she clicked the wrong pop-up; thought she was signing up for those urban zip lines thing."
"And you aren't at all bothered by this endeavor of infidelity?"
"Hey, it's King — that'd be like a candle getting jealous of the sun. If the contest rules were different, I might be there with her, angling for that date."
"What a sport, folks, what a sport! And what's this, look like a member of the Hero Association may have shown up to support his distaff counterparts in what will be the darkest hour for may of them! Sir, for starters, who are you?" Yamada asked.
"Saitama, hero for fun."
"You don't look particularly strong or charismatic, are you here just to get free internet exposure from yours truly?" Yamada accused.
"No, and do you have to phrase it like I'm some pathetic shady guy?" Saitama wondered.
"With that bald head, yes. Now, moving on, it seems vendors have moved in despite the suddenness of this event. Egads, that's no popcorn man, it's Demon Cyborg Genos, the hot up and coming S-Class hero with a literal blazing reactor for a heart! Mr. Demon Cyborg, sir! Why are you making popcorn?" Yanada inquired, indicating the vendor class popcorn machine Genos was manning.
"My master stated that popcorn compliments even the best show. Therefore, as a faithful student, it falls to me to provide it. I have swiftly acquired the ideal machine to prepare said popcorn, and after consulting databases and the great Dr. Kusenko, determined the best ingredients and technique to produce the ultimate popcorn. Presently, I am performing a series of test runs on these spectators to ensure the quality of the product meets with projections and that my master will only receive the most optimal popcorn experience. Which was further hampered by uncooperative stocking schemes in stores that sought to mislead me with inferior products of butter and popcorn. Even mere salt was enshrouded in many lies and artificial-"
"Genos! Just answer his question in 20 words or less," Saitama cut in.
"Apologies."
"Uh, so moving on from our enthusiastic vendor… let's meet some of the contestants! Now, as we duck over here to the ready area, it's clear we have all sorts of ladies in attendance. Some look to have violated the eighteen years old requirement. And while I don't think there was an upper limit, yowza. But I know what you all want, you want the alluring, the weird, the famous, and any combination of the three. So let's skip the likely rejects and get to the kind of people who get a wiki entry!
"Here we have Blizzard from Hell, the top rank of B-Class and leader of the Blizzard Group, and owner of a dress that covers so much but is tight enough to leave no man and many a woman wanting! So, angling for a hook up the ladder, are you?" he asked the dark-haired esper in the black dress.
"I have come here to demonstrate my power, and by extension the dignity of the Blizzard Group. A chance to socialize with one of the greatest heroes is of course welcome, but the glory lies in the victory, not the prize!"
"Hmph, if you wanna be respected, you should just get stronger and kill monsters. This is embarrassing."
"Egads, Tornado of Terror Tastumaki! Second only to Blast atop the whole of the S-Class!" the camera and the attendee all looked up the tiny green-haired esper in black lounging in the air.
"Big sis? Are you…?" Fubuki gasped.
"Mmm, you really think I'd jump through hoops for some stupid date? If I wanted romance, I'd just pick a guy and take him out. I just heard the news about this farce and decided with me being bored to come and watch morons humiliate themselves. This doesn't seem like King's taste, even. You sure this isn't some stupidity cooked up by his pet bug?" the Rank 2 hero asked.
"I'M HIS KID, NOT A PET!" Becky yelled from out of sight.
"Quiet. Anyway, maybe letting you get humiliated on the internet will finally get your act together. Now, is there popcorn?"
"Uh, over there being prepared by the longwinded death cyborg," Yamada said, pointing.
"Thank you for actually being useful."
"Okay, let's leave Miss Blizzard to this under-breath rant thing and move along! You, miss, have the look of a hero, name and rank if you please?" he said, addressing a cute brunette woman with brown eyes and a hoodie.
"Well, I'm not surprised you don't recognize me. Truth be told, my chances probably aren't too good, but I felt like I should be challenging myself and see how far I can go at opportunities that are within my reach!"
"Very nice, but not what I asked."
"Oh! Well, I am Swim, Class C, Rank-" she corrected, before being cut off.
"Moving on from the redshirt! Oh my, Captain Mizuki, Class B Rank 71! This living legend of track and field has been climbing the charts and all but declared to be destined for A-Class by experts and the media. So, mon Captaine, what do you hope to get from this contest?" he said, addressing the towering well-muscled red-haired woman with anime protagonist hair.
"Well, for starters, a chance for competition, to put myself once again in sporting matches against worthy opponents. Sparring only goes so far in the Hero Association, with so many absent or uninterested in the gym. This is a great chance to measure myself on the field again. And hey, a date with an all-star would be awesome. I mean, how much does anyone even know about King? What does he drink as part of his warm-up before battle?"
"Well, there you have it, folks, a classy contender with a six-pack so hot the honey would dry up on it. And Ring Ring! The darling token girl for the upper crust of martial arts!" he said, addressing the girl dressed in overdone Chinese style clothes with huge bells in her hair.
"Token?! I got in on merit!" the frustrated martial artist protested.
"And still seem to be the only one up there without a Y chromosome. So, looking to expand your field, or just want an S-Class to ring those bells?" Yamada asked, eyebrows waggling above his sunglasses.
"You're vulgar, go away or I'll stab you."
"And going! Well, it seems I have stumbled into the bargain bin of competitors, so why not do some bargain hunting? Now you, Miss Average Woman, what makes you think you have a chance here?"
"Oh, I just filled out the wrong from and decided to roll with it. And it's Mrs. Grendler," an average-looking woman answered him.
"We talked to your husband earlier. And who do we have here behind those thick glasses?"
"I"m KingFanGirl#1. The otaku gods told me to emerge from my hermitage on high and walk among the normals to compete here with the 3D people," a seeming living embodiment of internet nerd class female answered.
"Uhm, are you injured?"
"It's sunscreen."
"But it's overcast."
"Yeeesss," she hissed, steeping her fingers as her lighting seemed to darken.
"…Alright, enough of that. So, Miss Biker Woman-"
"I am designated Lady Deceptica. I have come here to demonstrate my superiority and gain access to the Hero King that I might test his strength against my own for proper measurement." This one was a buff woman clad from neck to foot in leather, with a cap on her head displaying a skull medallion. And her voice was quite monotone.
"Uh-huh. You wouldn't happen to be a robot in disguise, would you?" Yamada asked, glancing over his shades.
"No."
"That's a relief. And here we seem to have a burn patient, with all those bandages. What's your name and motive?" he asked a tall but hunched woman covered with bandages, tufts of hair sticking out of her head wrappings.
"Queen Maneater. And no, I'm not secretly a monster here to bring about humanity's downfall by killing King."
"Right, can we confirm Tornado is still around? And you, reasonably normal-looking middle-aged woman?"
"Name's Patricia Fairweather. I just felt like it," a blonde woman answered.
"Well, it's time for a word from our sponsor, but I think we can all agree it's a bizarre, inspiring, and somewhat horrifying display of womanhood that's turned out today. Which will mean great fun for all of us!"
X X X
"Kahaha!" Becky cackled, peeking through the curtain, not realizing her needle made her sneak peak very obvious.
"Just look at all those women. With so many, there must be a worthy mate for my father there. Now it is only a matter of weeding out the unworthy. Minion, is it all ready?!" she asked a nearby construction worker.
"Somehow, yes. Can't believe we got this stuff together so quick. I guess money combined with King's name is its own super power," he remarked dully, looking over a clipboard.
"Then let us begin!"
X X X
Becky took a seat at the judge/commentator stand and attached a clip-on tie, with a cartoon mosquito on it, to the King T-shirt she was wearing. Clearing her throat, she spoke into her mic.
"Alright, welcome to the Challenge of the Worthy! This is Becky, daughter of King, also known as Princess, here with my co-host Tornado of Terror, to pass ironclad and merciless judgement on the women gathered here."
"Wait, you said this was VIP seating and I'd get free snacks," Tatsumaki griped from her seat next to Becky.
"All true, but this way you get to talk down to people who feel they are worthy of dating an S-Class."
"…I still don't like you. And where's that cyborg loser with my popcorn?!" Tatsumaki grumbled.
"Now then, we will not delay except for this: This program sponsored in part by Edibles Food. Sustenance even for the apocalypse. For the extra price, it can't be eaten by mice! And now the first challenge, is the ugly wig beauty contest!" Becky cackled, picking up the mic to yell into it.
"Ugly wig?" Tatsumaki asked.
"That's right. Any girl can look good with the right hair, but can she look good enough for King on a bad hair day too? We're about to find out! No combs or other adjustments allowed."
X X X
Fubuki cringed, looking into the cheap backstage mirror that had been set up. Her lovely darkest green hair was currently covered by a wig as ugly as advertised. A pale blonde up-due with horrid bangs that nearly stabbed her in the eyes.
'I can't let myself be seen on the internet like this,' she thought as her name was called to the runway. The image would never vanish, and bring shame for years. And worse, Big Sis was right out there and had been roasting everyone to dare show her face in these ugly things.
It was time to withdraw with dignity.
"Fubuki-sama!" Lily called out from the crowd, other voices from the Blizzard Group joining her.
"Show them how it's done, boss!"
"You can make any look work!"
"You could dress up like a construction worker and make it look great!"
"Lily, the group," she whispered, her heart slowing. Yes, the Blizzard Group was cheering her on. If they were going to believe in her, how could she fail to live up to their expectations?
And Saitama was out there, too. If she didn't go out, would he think she was a coward who could be scared off by a wig?
Then she turned and saw Swim, who had preceded her on the runway. The poor girl looked horrid, wearing a curly mess of what was either a bad shade of red or unfortunate brown.
What kind of Hero was she if she couldn't match the efforts of such a young lady?!
Fubuki burst onto the stage, arms wide and ready for anything.
"You look dumb, but I guess that's just true to life," Tatsumaki deadpanned.
"Wow, someone actually picked that one? Bonus points for just being that bold, I guess," Princess said, scribbling.
"Where exactly do people get these things?" Saitama said somewhere.
Second Challenge, Apple Picking:
Swim carefully hauled herself up to sit on the next branch of the artificial tree. That put her in reach of several apples, which she pulled from the knots securing them and tossed down to the large basket below.
Of course, Miss Fubuki had picked all her apples first in a wave of esper power. And on the other end, that Fairweather woman had only picked the ones in reach from the ground. Still, it was a competition, and despite the internet girl's efforts to climb even one branch, Swim was determined to give her best for its own sake.
Still, she couldn't help but wonder…
Saitama scratched his head, watching the women climbing through the fake trees set up.
"What does apple picking have to do with dating? I mean, I'm no expert, but this doesn't seem right."
X X X
"Well I guess if heroing doesn't work out, my sister could crawl away to be a farmer," Tatsumaki remarked.
"Things are getting good," Becky declared as one woman fell screaming through her tree.
"Are you trying to kill them off?"
"Natural selection is important to breeding," Becky said, happily unwrapping a chocolate bar.
Third Challenge, Long Distance Race:
"Woohoo!" Captain Mizuki cheered, leaping across the finish line. She took a deep breath and wiped a thin veneer of sweat from her brow, "That was a good race."
Becky called out over a megaphone.
"That was a marathon, not a sprint. But I guess you still win."
Tatsumaki looked at the screen on the commentator table and shook her head at Fubuki, who had been told esper powers weren't allowed for this competition, struggling on, clutching her side while her cheerleaders tagged along the sidelines.
"Pathetic."
"To be fair, at least she's still going," Becky commented, glancing to the women whose images had been X'ed out for forfeiting.
"Victory!" Lady Deceptica roared, charging over the line.
"Actually, no," the captain said.
"I still don't get this," Saitama said.
Fourth Challenge, Extreme Make-up Application:
"Hello everyone, welcome back from the shameless fraudulence of advertising. We are now on our last contestant for the two minute extreme makeup competition. For recap, our lovely ladies must apply lipstick and other basic makeup with one hand while riding a mechanical bull! That's some extreme dexterity and multitasking. So far, our Otaku Lady KingFanGirl#1 has been the dark horse, while Captain Mizuki takes the stage for the last runner for this," Yamada said.
BAM
"Captain Mizuki has just murdered the machine and taken the seat and makeup. IS THAT LEGAL?!" Yamada asked the commentators/judges.
Becky held up a ten card by way of answer while Tatsumaki just held up a card reading MEH.
"Apparently destroying the machine to apply at your leisure for the two minutes allotted was legal the whole time! Sorry ladies, you done goofed," Yamada decided.
Fubuki slammed a fist into her palm.
"As one would expect from King! The contests are puzzles in and of themselves," she said, with makeup smeared all over her face.
Lady Deceptica growled, and Swim kept stealing looks at the otaku girl, who looked much better with the makeup, only to wipe her face with a wet towel and start to reapply the thick lotion from earlier.
Fifth Challenge, Jigsaw Puzzle:
"Okay, just think of it as hand-eye coordination," Captain Mizuki muttered, sweating a bit as she hunched over the table, looking down at the pile of jigsaw pieces in front of her. The other women were also puzzling their way through the puzzles as the big counter clocked down behind them on the table.
"It's anyone's game!" Princess declared from the commentary table.
"Well, at least it's not all brute force, I guess," Saitama commented.
Sixth Challenge, Hot Dog Eating Contest:
"Miss Fubuki, speak to me!" Lily cried, holding her dear boss up by the head and shoulders.
Fubuki looked up and past her dear subordinate to the heavens. So clear and beautiful, even as the ordeals of mortals played out. Some could take that as petty, but it could also be reassurance. That as bad as things could be, it was in so many ways schoolyard drama; so harmless and helpless in a grander scheme.
She had come ready to struggle, but had not been prepared to throw away years of hard work. Years of calorie counting to make sure she could always fit into her many skintight dresses, that were to display her self-confidence and not at all about showing off her figure for extra fame by any means necessary, thrown away in this ordeal. Would anything in her wardrobe fit tomorrow?
"And Swim throws in the towel by making the sign of submission! That leaves Lady Deceptica the winner of the hot dog eating contest!" the announcer proclaimed.
"Miss Fubuki!" Eyelashes' voice reached her over the distance of space and time stretching before her, "You've fought hard enough. You have brought honor to the Group, you don't need to push any further."
Maybe he was right, Fubuki thought, eyes closing. Maybe it was time to resign with dignity. Admit that her best efforts came short, and be the bigger woman.
No! Not only would she not accept putting on weight for no gain, but…
"Beaten by wieners? Man, I want to mock that, but it's just too easy," her big sis' voice carried over.
"To be fair, they weren't allowed mustard or ketchup," Princess pointed out.
Mustering all her willpower, Fubuki called on her power and set herself on her feet. Blizzard from Hell was not done yet!
Seventh Challenge, Pushups:
"The pushup competition is in a dead heat, folks! It's down to Captain Mizuki and Lady Deceptica! What do our commentators on the side think?"
"Pushups are useless, no one ever got strong enough doing something so basic. And I can't believe Fubuki lost to that otaku girl. Even Fairweather did better than them!" Tatsumaki griped.
"You know, Miss Tornado of Terror, you should probably offer commentary a bit more spread out; you focus a lot on your sister."
"Quiet."
"…So, Princess Becky-"
"Hey! It's Princess as a hero name, or Becky for my real name. Don't combine them," the mosquito girl scolded Yamada, playing with a pen.
"Right. So what do you think of this competition?"
"It's taking too long. We're just going to call it a draw and move onto the candy bar competition."
"Well that's good, I'm getting tired of watching those two muscle heads sweat," Tatsumaki griped, "Wait, candy bars?"
Eighth Challenge, Candy Bar Selection:
Miss Fairweather sighed. This had seemed a good idea at the time. But this competition was eating up a Saturday she'd never get back. Was internet fame worth not getting to do well at something else?
And this was the worst competition yet. They were supposed to pick a candy bar out of a hundred different varieties and told nothing else? What exactly did they expect of people in a silly game like this? Honestly, she was never signing up for internet matchmaking game shows ever again. That would show them, she thought as she just picked a Himshey bar with almonds.
Joining the others, she took her spot next to the woman who had ruined her figure by working out too much.
"Chocolate and nuts, eh? I didn't pick any because clearly someone at King's level wouldn't eat a candy bar anymore than drink a soda! I am thinking strategically," the musclebound idiot said, smiling and pointing to her head. Fairweather doubted she was really capable of thinking. She just wanted this to end before she had to quit or something.
"The correct answer was Himshey without nuts! Swim is the winner!" Princess declared over the mic.
"Uh, I just like s'mores, I didn't really think…" the plain girl muttered as everyone looked to her.
"Is that his favorite? It's never really come up. And what actually happened to Genos with that popcorn?" Saitama wondered, as he flagged down the guy giving away free hot dogs.
Ninth Challenge, Popularity Poll:
As the smoke cleared, the announcer made his way into sight, coughing. Meanwhile, between Tatsumaki's esper powers pushing the smoke away and Becky flapping her wings, the commentator table returned to sight.
"Okay, as the counter machine for the popularity poll open to the internet has very much exploded and almost killed us all, the commentators have declared to sideline that competition. Fortunately, by some fluke, its initial blast sent it into the sky before it could harm anyone. Incidentally, the audience member caught having snuck onto stage is going to be fined for trespassing," Yamada explained.
"Ah man, really?" Saitama said as the security guard issued him a ticket. Can private events give out tickets, he wondered, noting the Chibi Becky on it saying the amount in a word bubble.
"Now, our organizer will be taking the stage to explain the tenth and final event in the Challenge of the Worthy."
"There's more?" Swim stuttered with distress.
"Woohoo! Bring it on!" Mizuki cheered.
"Grrr," Queen Maneater growled.
"This is making me experience simulated rage," Lady Deceptica said, her head twitching slightly side to side.
"As expected of King, but for the Blizzard Group I will meet this final challenge!" Fubuki declared with a clenched fist.
Seemingly oblivious to the reactions of the contestants/victims, Princess took to the air in what seemed a bit like dancing before striking a pose over the stage, Tornado nonchalantly floating up next to her holding a piece of white poster board.
"Ladies and potential stepmothers, congratulations for making it so far! For starters, before we enter the final event, let's review the rankings! Miss Tatsumaki!?"
"Behold your worth," Tatsumaki said, flipping the board over to reveal a black zero.
"Sis, that's not funny!"
"Your calculations are a disgrace to math. Explain or be destroyed."
"The first nine events were just to qualify you for this one by displaying your will to carry on in addition to giving you the chance to resign with dignity if you could not rise to the occasion. So now you all get to participate in the only event that really matters to winning. A ONE VS ONE FIGHTING TOURNAMENT!" Princess declared. With a sweeping gesture, she indicated a curtain which was pulled back to reveal a standard shonen class martial arts tournament arena.
Tatsumaki gave the arena a skeptical look as the contestants were slack-jawed.
"What makes you think it's a good idea to decide everything with a beat 'er up tournament?"
"Every manga and anime ever worth reading gave me the idea. Now, we are going to need a whistle," Princess said happily.
"Well, she's not wrong, though it's a bit disturbing," Saitama admitted as he carefully applied ketchup to his latest free hotdog, "And seriously, whatever happened to Genos?"
Elsewhere:
Glowing lines were left lingering in the air as Genos retreated swiftly across the field. Halting and goring trenches into the ground, he faced his swelling, heaving foe, bearing its kerneled fangs.
"Corn King, dead or alive, you will surrender these kernels to me!" Genos declared, charging up a blast while the great monster corn cackled, spouting stalks to regenerate its mighty fist of agriculture.
TENTH CHALLENGE: Shonen Class Tournament
"I am so sorry, Miss Fubuki! As our legal expert, I am supposed to protect you from all fine print related peril!" Pencil of the Blizzard Group said, bowing so deeply his head almost hit the pavement.
"It's fine, grow from the experience and remember in the future to check for terms hidden in the illustrated document header," Fubuki said, shrugging off her fur-lined jacket totally as she rose from her corner stool. She resisted the urge to pinch at her torso to see if she was straining against her dress after all those calories. There would be time for that later. For now, matters had shifted in her favor. Blizzard from Hell would blow away the competition and claim a place beside one of the greatest heroes as proof of her greatness. Even Saitama would have to be impressed by that.
"Did she put on weight?" Saitama asked from his oddly awesome ringside seat.
Fubuki gallantly resisted falling into despair.
Her opponent was none other than Swim, who she saw had changed into her hero attire. Old-fashioned diving gear, complete with a circular scuba mask but lacking the footwear. She was taking a few casual practice swings with a trident, but stopped on seeing Fubuki watching her.
"I apologize. I've been training hard, but it seems I still can't break from the bottom spot, Boss Fubuki," the younger hero apologized as the announcer took his place.
"Persistence is vital, a mighty hero taught me not to give up easily," Fubuki answered, giving her best badass smile.
"Okay then, classic rules apply, elimination by ring out, 10 seconds pinning, losing consciousness, or death! Really, is killing legal here? Oh, like a boxing match? Well, okay then. Begin!" Yamada shouted.
Fubuki rose into the air, her power glowing about her, making her necklace jingle, and she watched Swim visibly gulp, taking a stance, holding out her trident.
"I admit, I've been curious how you fight. No real media coverage or posts, you're like a ghost in the organization," Fubuki remarked.
"Well, it's nothing much to report. I stick them with the pointy end, you know?" Swim answered.
Fubuki laughed, mostly at the remark.
"How cute. Well, perhaps I'll grant you the first move, let everyone see a bit of what you can do, Swim the hero!"
"Um, thank you! I won't let you down," Swim answered, tightening her grip on the trident and shifting her feet. Fubuki's smile widened as her eyes gazed intently, fingers twitching. Her Group cheering her on, and Saitama scratching his nose.
"WINNER SWIM!"
"HUH?!" both contestants shouted, along with much of the audience.
"What happened, did I blink?" Saitama asked no one in particular.
"I didn't lose!" Fubuki objected, rounding on the announcer. Becky cleared her throat over the mic.
"Being out of contact with the arena floor for more than ten seconds counts as a ring out as part of standard tournament rules. This is what you get for floating around like a jerk without even throwing a blow. Swim wins, next match please!"
"But, but, but," Fubuki stammered.
"Yes, we can all see your butt in that tight thing, and I'm sure it's popular on the internet, now get out of here before you embarrass yourself more," Tatsumaki demanded with her own mic.
"I'm sorry?" Swim said as Fubuki walked off with what dignity she could salvage.
"Well, guess that happened," Saitama said, scratching behind an ear.
X X X
Swim watched the matches unfold. The brackets had been determined by fate, which is to say Princess picked names out of a hat that belonged to King. Some matches ended quickly, others had clashes between low-ranking heroes. Queen Maneater put a woman dressed like a clown into an ambulance. Lady Deceptica let a boxing woman pummel her to no effect, before downing her with a single blow. And Captain Mizuki had already been declared the favored to win. Seeing the towering redhead subdue her opponent in a headlock, Swim smiled.
She stood no chance of winning this. But then, it wasn't for a prize date she'd done this. Ever since witnessing her hero Blizzard in action along with S-Class Genos, she had decided to step up as a hero. Even if she was still ranked bottom C overall, she was certain she had gotten stronger, if only slightly. And the way to keep getting stronger was to push herself.
And that included getting on a stage knowing she wasn't the star.
Still, she admitted she did wonder what King was like as a person. Boss Fubuki was wonderful, but so human in her struggles. And Mr. Genos likewise was amazing and beyond powerful, but still did something as simple as deliver food for a party. The humanity of such great heroes not only seemed to put heroism in the reach of someone like her, but also pushed her to be her best so they wouldn't have to do it all alone.
"Hey, Swim girl, you're up again," the portly roadie spoke up next to her.
"Oh, right," Swim said, straightening up and picking up her trident from where she'd stabbed the pommel into the pavement.
Her opponent was the well-dressed Miss Fairweather. It was impressive how unfrumpled her business dress was, and her hair still being in perfect order while she glared over her horned glasses. Swim took a deep breath like she was prepping for a dive and loosened up, twirling her trident and stepping into the arena.
"Meh, I forfeit. This is too much trouble," Fairweather declared.
"Bwuh?" Swim slipped, dropping her trident. As she awkwardly picked it up, the victory soundtrack played over the PA.
"And Swim advances to the next round!" Princess declared.
"But, I haven't really done anything," Swim said, unaware she was on their Jumbotron.
"Huh, this feels a bit familiar," Saitama said, scratching his nose and wondering where people buy tridents. Or did she make that herself? That would be kind of cool, he thought, visualizing her laboring in a forge like a blacksmith.
X X X
"And now Swim versus Queen Maneater in the semi-final match!" Princess proclaimed, flying over the arena, mic in hand.
"Well, looks like the wimp finally has to pay the price," Tatsumaki said from her own seat, grumpily eating a chili dog.
"Umm, let's have a good match?" Swim asked her opponent. The towering woman covered in bandages, with sunglasses that were also wrapped save for the lenses over her eyes with spikes of black slipping between the bindings, and padding dominated attire, seemed to get more ragged every time Swim saw her.
Right now, the mysterious woman was heaving with deep breaths.
"How inane. All this nonsense, and now I am supposed to waste time with this bug? This contest is exactly why I turned my back on humanity; it's so stupid and pointless. I came for King, not this carnival of foolishness! In fact, why bother when the perfect hostage is right here! BEHOLD!" Maneater roared, flexing to rip her bandages off. What was underneath was an ugly patchwork of mangy fur and twisting gray scales, glasses shattering to reveal bloodshot red eyes and a mouth forced wide by piranha-esque teeth.
"Once I take down King, nothing will be able to stop me from devouring all men to punish the patriarchy for how messed up society is. Then I will eat the women for being so weak to go along with it! And when that is done, I will self-spawn and create perfect a society of my- huh?" Queen Maneater ranted, before noticing she was being lifted off the ground while a green aura surrounded her.
"That's a rules violation," Tatsumaki said, looking over the top of a brochure of the contest's rules.
"But I'm not done monologu-"
*KER CRUSH*
"Double disqualification for not being a human as required by the rules, and for violation of minimal dental hygiene requirements. Swim advances to the finals!" Becky announced.
"Hey, are you just gong to do the announcer job yourself?!" Yamada protested.
"I was getting bored with the commentary, this is taking a long time."
"You made this event so long in the first place."
"Is that girl actually going to get to fight?" Saitama wondered.
X X X
Captain Mizuki came out of her final squat with a cheer. Jumping up onto the arena, she stuck the landing and gave a grin to her opponent. The grumpy biker woman was just as tall as she was, and quite well muscled. The athletic hero wondered if the other woman had followed any of Master Darkshine's training tips.
Which got her thinking of the last time she attended a meeting of Superalloy Darkshine's Devoted Followers. It was always so nice to meet others dedicated to physical fitness and gaining not only the best out of your body but getting the best life out of your best body.
The match started while she was lost in her head, so she countered the blow heading toward her head out of instinct, and blinked in surprise when her counterattack cross strike turned Lady Deceptica's head around on the shoulders.
"…Ah, I killed a person!"
"No, you did not," Deceptica said, her head snapping back into place.
"Oh, good. Say, what training did you do to turn your head like an owl? Those aren't easy muscles to loosen up."
"Yes, I trained. I am not an evil robot specifically engineered to kill King."
"Neat. So, ready to go again?"
"Hey, if she turns out be a robot I want back in. She'd be an illegal competitor," Ring Ring called from the sidelines.
"No take backs!" Becky declared from the commentator booth while a bored Tatsumaki ate a piece of the cotton candy Becky was holding.
"Time to take this seriously," Deceptica said, a red glow forming in her eyes and a wind bursting from her body, sending her cap flying.
"Heck yeah!" Mizuki said, rushing forward.
One Epic Fight Scene Later:
"Good fight, but you kind of trashed the ring," Saitama remarked as the only audience member still passively seated in the somewhat trashed street.
Becky surveyed the damage from the immaculate stage area as Tornado lowered her shield and yawned.
"We're going to need the back up arena. Minions, fetch it quickly, the finals beckon."
"Uh, but we lost the audience," Yamada said, emerging from a manhole, scruffy and smelly but unharmed.
"Not to worry, the internet didn't so much as blink!" KingFangirl#1 shouted from where she was dangling upside down from a tree, her camera held at the ready, already streaming in high quality.
"Uh, what should I do with this? She can't fight anymore, and I took out that exploding bit she talked about," Captain Mizuki said, holding up Deceptica's head, one half still covered by a pretty if serious face, the other a red-eyed robot skull.
"Well, you could just crush it. Or could make it your new roommate," Tatsumaki snarked.
"Wow, my roommates never last long, maybe a robot would have more staying power," Mizuki remarked, pulling a gym bag out of nowhere to stuff the robot head in over her objections.
Choosing to ignore the finalist, Tatsumaki looked at the back-up arena being carried in on a large flatbed truck.
"Why do you even have a back-up arena?"
"You don't watch anime or read manga do you?" Becky asked.
X X X
Genos landed squarely on his feet, cracking the pavement and with his cargo safely on his shoulders.
He sighed in thanks, seeing the popcorn machine was still where he had left it, though it seemed some level of minor disaster had occurred. The street was in shambles, and the remaining audience members were looking worse for wear. Save for his master, of course; Master Saitama was naturally unaffected by the damage around him. And now Genos was prepared to create the perfect popcorn. And there was no time to spare, as the counter on the Jumbotron declared the final mach was mere minutes away.
X X X
Swim tried not to sweat as the announcer and a cameraman stood over her while she sat on a lawn chair.
"So, you are indeed the bottom rank hero?" he demanded. Swim nodded, putting her diving mask over her eyes. She tended to feel more confident in uniform. And she had never been interviewed before.
Being interviewed isn't pleasant, she concluded.
"Well, apparently Superalloy Darkshine also stood in the bottom of C-Class for some time, so it seems following in that tradition, you are preparing to unveil your greatness to the world!"
"What? But I didn't-"
"Over the course of this tournament, you have gained a fandom, a hatedom, and just these last minutes a website dedicated to people who are tired of hearing about you. Do you think a promotion to B-Class is imminent, or will you just skip to A?"
"Huh?"
"What did you say?!" Fubuki demanded, bursting from the curtain behind Swim.
"Boss Fubuki?"
"Blizzard from Hell, how does it feel to be outwitted by the next big name in heroine? The internet is loving her victory by cunning tactics."
"Well, you should know she has a standing invitation to join the Blizzard Group," Fubuki said, rallying her dignity.
"Why are you still here, Fubuki? Shouldn't you be peeling your minions off a wall or something? You need a spatula?" Tatsumski asked. Becky flew down alongside the levitating esper.
"Enough talk, it's time to determine who is truly worthy of a date with King."
Becky pointed to where Mizuki was warming up, using a chunk of concrete as an improvised weight. Finishing the routine, she tossed the chunk into the air and headbutted it, shattering it to dust.
"Well, she likely doesn't have any braincells to regret that," Tatsumaki said.
"Uhhhh," Swim's head tilted as Becky pushed her toward the arena.
X X X
"Okay ladies, you know what passes for rules here by now! So as our eccentric organizer would say, enough talk, fight!"
The announcer ran for it and jumped off the arena to peek back over the edge.
"Okay, Swim! As a fellow hero, I'm going to show my respect by not holding back. Here it comes, Captain Mizuki, gold medal mode! 108%!" Mizuki declared, flexing her muscles.
As the other heroine took a step, Swim felt the aura of power wash over her. It was like she was caught in the shadow of a charging Lady Atlas, reaching up to brush the sky with its anime hair, face split in half by a wide, almost eerily childish grin whilst cast in black with glowing white eyes.
She did the only thing she could when faced with certain doom while regretting the ridiculous stakes she had wagered her life on. She held onto her trident, but fell back onto her butt, legs having turned into jelly.
Failing to sense any warrior's intent from her opponent and some level in her mind registering a potential pose of a surrender, Mizuki made to stop. But failed, and heroine reflexes acting to avoid crushing what momentarily registered as a civilian under her, she fell awkwardly, riding her momentum out.
A hand shot out to assert her movement. And she grunted at the oddity of bracing, almost slamming her face into the floor.
"Out of bounds!" The announcer shouted. Mizuki blinked and saw she had indeed reached out to touch the ground to stop herself from falling off the arena.
Standing up, she cocked her head and then looked with awe at the opponent who hadn't bothered to get to her feet, so certain that tactic would end the final match in mere seconds.
"We have a worthy!" Becky cheered as Swim's stunned face lit up all the screens.
"This was even dumber than your ads made it out to be," Tatsumaki grumbled, slumping herself clear out of sight in her chair.
In Another City:
The cracked screen skidded sideways on the wall before toppling off the back of the desk.
Amai Mask sat white-knuckled, one hand still extended from the strike that destroyed the computer. He was alone in this branch office, so he allowed himself a most unhandsome expression.
"Cunning bug. First you somehow manage to subvert an S-Class, now you use media exposure to influence the masses. The sheer audacity, having even heroines jump through perverse gameshow hoops. Who will even take you seriously as a threat now? I will. Justice will be executed, and when you slip up it will be as beautiful as the ugliness in your every existence when exposed."
But for now he had to bide his time and prepare for a toothpaste commercial. Dental hygiene was essential to beauty, after all.
X X X
Armored Gorilla smiled wide and popped open a beer can as credits rolled on the special event.
"Your girl's a star, Doctor!" he cheered, handing the can to Genus.
"…I never had an interest in dating, but that did not seem right. At all."
"It's a gameshow, sir. It's like fast food; even if it's not healthy, as long as you enjoy it the job has been done," the cybernetic gorilla said, before returning to cleaning the fryers.
"To think a monster could annoy Tornado for hours and live. Did I underestimate social skills as part of my methods?" Genus wondered. But shrugged it off, as the Übermensch engineering days were behind him. The future was fried squid.
X X X
Saitama picked up his lawn chair and looked up to see Genos coming up with a bag of popcorn that glowed slightly but visibly in the gathering darkness.
"Master, after much research, ordeal, and popping, I can now proudly present you with the perfect popcorn. Enjoy!" the blonde cyborg said, thrusting the salty snack toward the bald superhero.
"Eh, thanks, but I filled up on the free hot dogs. Let's just head home."
"I see. I foolishly overlooked that part of the vital appeal of snack foods is being ready to hand with minimal preparation. By taking so long, even if I produced a superior product, I ignored a vital pillar in the very appeal of popcorn. Forgive me, Master, I will strive to learn and do better from this shameful failure!"
"Okay," Saitama said as they turned to go. For his part, Genos rolled up the top of the bag and tossed it over his shoulder. However, before the bag hit the ground, it was enveloped in a green aura and came to a stop. Flying to Tornado's hands, she picked it out of the air and opened it up.
Raising an eyebrow at the glowing popcorn, she shrugged and put a handful in her mouth.
"Meh, too salty," she complained, but kept eating anyway.
"Well, see you next week, Tornado," Becky called as Tatsumaki casually flew off, ignoring her. The mosquito girl frowned.
"Eh, she'll be back, it's in the waiver she signed. As for you, future stepmother," she said, flying to get into Swim's face. The low-ranking hero blinked, their noses almost touching, "You did great out there, a dark horse victory for the ages. I didn't have high hopes, but it's an epic entrance worthy of King's future bride!"
Swim's face flushed.
"Bride? But, um, a date. Only?"
"Well yes, we start small, but why white out the spoilers? We all know how these things turn out, the internet told me. I've got your contact number, so I will let you know when the date is arranged. Just remember, this will take priority over anything else you might have going on. Anything. Well, bye! Minions, clean everything up!" Becky yelled, before shooting up into the sky.
"…I won a date with King? I won! Oh my, I won a date with an S-Class. One of the greatest of all time. How did this happen? I can't possibly be a woman worthy enough for King, despite this weird day," the hero began to panic as apathetic workmen started taking down the set.
Next Morning:
King stepped off the train and took a deep breath. A fine outing spent isolated in a motel room with his video games and room service. It left him feeling optimistic about life. No hero business had even intruded upon him.
Maybe the kid would be gone too when he got home? At this point he'd admit he would rather her not get killed. She was dangerous and annoying, possibly insane, but Becky didn't seem to mean any harm on purpose.
No, the best thing would be for her to leave his life with as little warning and explanation as she'd entered it.
And while he knew his luck wasn't that good, it wasn't like the situation could have gotten any crazier while he was gone, right? How much more trouble could a little monster girl cause?
An icy chill ran down his back.
"Did I seriously just think that? No, no, it's okay, it only matters if you say it out loud. Unless in manga, and I'm pretty sure my life isn't a manga. Definitely wouldn't sell well enough for an anime," the mighty hero King laughed hollow reassurance to himself before resuming his trek through the city, overlooking a magazine cover with Swim's face next to his own.
A.A.
And so in no small part do to RL issues we are back with my muse going into higher gear than its been in for awhile. But hey I'll take a silver lining to what's happened.
I love using the popcorn of enlightenment idea here. Huh, its even better when it got made by accident.
Moving on:
AND SO THE MADNESS CONTINUES TO SPREAD!
WILL KING BE ABLE TO MAN UP FOR A DATE WITH AN ACTUAL REAL LIVE WOMAN?!
WILL SWIM BE ABLE TO COPE WITH HER SUDDEN CELEBRITY STATUS?!
WILL SITCH HAVE TO ST THROUGH MEETINGS THAT ACCOMPLISH LITTLE?!
WILL THE POPCORN ENLIGHTENMENT SPREAD CHAOS IN ITS WAKE?!
WILL THOSE HOT DOGS COME BACK TO HAUNT FUBUKI?!
WILL BECKY GET TO SWIM IN MILK CHOCOLATE?!
These Questions and more will be answered in the next chapter of Return and Rise of the Mosquito Girl!
