Author's Note: So sorry about the delay! I'm experiencing a bit of writer's block on this one, but I think I've got it worked out, hopefully! So here is the next chapter of the sage. I'm pretty sure this one will be coming to a close shortly! A few more chapters probably! So happy reading! Dark rolling sea.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Rachel looked over at Ashley after the two were outside. Ashley had a worried look on her face as she stared after the two. This couldn't be a good thing.
Ashley was standing at the bottom of the stairs with her arms crossed over her chest. Rachel saw Sam running across the lawns of the other houses with Tom chasing behind him yelling for him.
"I knew he'd react like this. He pretends to be okay, but he's really not," Ashley mumbled.
"Maybe he can talk to someone as well," Rachel said softly. Ashley hugged herself tighter.
"I don't know that he will. Sammy is angry."
"At your dad?"
"Sometimes. But not always at Dad. He's just angry about…things."
"He has that right. He's been through a tremendously rough spot in his short life."
"I know. We all have, really," Ashley said, and Rachel noticed the tears in her eyes.
"I know. Your father and I as well," Rachel replied. She had the thought wondering if they had not gone through the turmoil and stress that they had, would they be together.
"Where's Grampa? He'll be able to help," Ashley said looking around.
"I'm not sure," Rachel said. She looked around and noticed Jed coming around the corner of the house.
"Grampa is right here," he said, and Ashley turned to face him. "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Daddy told Sammy about the baby and Sammy had a meltdown and ran away."
"Oh no," Jed said with a sigh. "It's okay, Sweetheart, everything will be okay."
"They ran that way, Grampa," Ashley said pointing a finger in the direction Tom and Sam had gone. Jed nodded and started walking that way.
"We should wait inside," Rachel said and placed a gentle hand on Ashley's shoulder. The girl was still hugging herself, but she nodded slowly and turned towards the house. They went into the living room and sat on the couch. They sat in silence for a while before Ashley spoke.
"Can I ask something?"
"Certainly," Rachel said looking at her. Ashley paused and pursed her lips for a moment.
"How did you deal with the loss of your mom?"
"I…it was very hard. I was very angry for a long time. My circumstances were different than yours obviously, but I threw myself into my mission."
"Your mission?" Ashley asked confused.
"Yes, I suppose that's what I called it. My mission. I knew after that point that I wanted to be a doctor, I wanted to help people who were sick, I wanted to know all about viruses and how to defeat them. So, I threw myself into the mission and became the top virologist in the world."
"Did it help?"
"It made me driven but the pain was still there. I wish I would have had a support system to talk to about things. I think that would have helped more."
"If you had had that…, would you have become the top virologist in the world?"
"I…don't know," Rachel said with a frown. She thought about that statement and wondered if she might not have been as driven if she had another way to deal with the pain and frustration. "I guess we'll never know. But that moment in my life defined the rest of my life, as if I hadn't been the top virologist, I would have never met your dad, or you."
"Do you believe in fate?"
"I…guess I might."
"I wonder how Daddy and Grampa are doing with Sammy. He's hurting but won't talk to anybody."
"Will he talk to you?"
"Sometimes, I guess. Mostly it's just that I see it in his…meltdowns. I know Grampa was going to talk to Daddy about it. He's acting out a lot more. He used to be such a happy kid, now…he's sullen, and angry, and mean a lot."
"He's hurting."
"I know. I just wish I could help him. How do I help him?" she asked with tears in her eyes.
"I know you love your brother very much, Ashley. And we'll get through this as a family," Rachel said then looked down. She didn't know how Ashley would react to her use of the word family. Ashley was quiet for a moment as she stared at the floor. Rachel pursed her lips and waited.
"I think…I don't know what I think," Ashley said softly. Rachel noticed Ashley was crying now. "I miss my mom."
"Oh, I know, Sweetie. And I'm so sorry you have to go through this," Rachel said as she reached her arm out and placed her hand in the middle of Ashley's back. The young girl leaned over and tucked herself into Rachel's side. Rachel hesitated a moment before she slipped her arm around Ashley and hugged her tightly.
They sat like that for quite some time as Ashely continued to cry and cling to Rachel. Rachel stayed quiet and simply held the girl, as her own tears started to slip down her cheeks. They were still that way when Sammy stormed back into the house followed by Tom then Jed. Tom was about to walk past them when he noticed them and stopped in his tracks.
"I'll talk to Sammy," Jed mumbled as he moved out of the living room following his grandson. Tom nodded slightly to his dad, but his attention was on Rachel and Ashely. He squatted down in front of them, his hands gently landing on Rachel's knees.
"Hey," Tom said softly. Rachel smiled at him and stroked her arm up and down Ashley's back.
"Hey," she whispered. Tom smiled at her and then looked at Ashley.
"Everything okay?"
"It will be," Rachel said with a sigh. Tom nodded as Ashley pulled her head up. Rachel loosened her grip on the girl, but Ashley didn't pull completely away from her.
"Daddy," Ashley said, her voice rough from crying. "Is Sam, okay?"
"I don't know, Sweetheart, he's very…angry right now. Grampa is talking to him."
"I told you he wouldn't like this," Ashley whispered. Tom nodded slowly as his hands moved from Rachel's knees to Ashley's. He squeezed softly.
"How do you really feel about all this?" Tom asked quietly. Rachel was proud of him for asking that question, and she smiled.
"I miss Mom," she whimpered, and Tom moved himself to the couch on the opposite side as Rachel.
"I miss her too, Kiddo, but I can't bring her back."
"I know that and it's okay. You tried really hard," Ashley replied. "I know if you could have been there to save her you would have been."
Rachel felt the tug of grief hit her when Ashley said that. She knew that they couldn't have done it faster, but if she could go back in time and change it, she would, even if it meant this would never come about. Ashley pealed herself away from Rachel and turned towards Tom instead and Rachel went to get up to give them room. Tom reached out and gripped her arm and pulled her back down.
She looked at him and he shook his head and tilted his chin for her to stay. Rachel took a deep breath and nodded before she felt Tom loop his arm around her shoulders holding her close with Ashley between them.
"I know you and Sammy miss our old family dynamic," Tom said softly. "But I can't bring your mother back. And as much as a struggle as it was for me to accept my feelings for Rachel, I understand if you and Sammy need more time for that too. I'm not asking you to act like your mom never existed, and I'm not asking you to act like Rachel is your mom. I'm just asking that you don't go to battle because you don't understand my feelings for all of you."
"I think I get it, Dad," Ashley said softly. "You didn't forget about Mom. But you do love Rachel and she loves you. I can see that. I know there's a lot a baggage for everyone. I'm willing to try. And I can't lie. I'm excited to have a little sibling soon."
"That's great," Tom breathed out and Rachel looked up to see tears in his eyes. "Now if we can just get Sammy on board."
"You got to get him to talk, Dad. He's bottling up a lot, keeping it all inside. He's trying to be brave for everyone else, but he's hurting really bad. He misses mom."
"I know, Ash, I know," Tom sighed. Rachel sat quietly and soaked up the family dynamic of the moment. She was glad that Ashley was finally coming around to accepting Tom and her relationship. Now if they could just get Sammy to understand and talk about how he was feeling she felt things would fall into place. Ashley pushed up a little and both Rachel and Tom leaned back to let her have space.
"I'm going to go to my room for a bit," Ashely said and then got up and walked away. Rachel scooted into Tom's side and laid her head on his shoulder. Tom wrapped his arms around her. They sat there for quite some time before Tom spoke.
"I never expected it to be this hard," he whispered. Rachel tilted her head to look at him.
"It's going to be okay," Rachel said as she put a hand on his jaw. Tom nodded slowly.
"I was so wrapped up in my own grief and guilt that I failed to see my kids' grief."
"Do you feel guilty about that?"
"I'm not sure. I feel like…I failed them."
"You haven't failed them yet, Tom," Rachel replied. "But you need to realize that the job is far from done."
"I'm realizing this," Tom sighed out. He kissed the side of Rachel's head. She leaned into him some more. They both looked over as Jed came into the living room. He paused a moment, a look of defeat on his face.
"I couldn't get him to talk to me," Jed said, his voice full of disappointment. Tom kissed Rachel on the side of the head again before he pushed himself up from the couch.
"I'll see what I can do," Tom said with a tight smile. Rachel nodded slowly as he turned and walked away. She smiled softly at Jed but then decided she needed some time to herself as she got up and headed to her and Tom's bedroom.
To Be Continued…
