CHAPTER FIVE
A few hours later Tom was restless in his stateroom and unable to fall sleep. He knew everything was ready for their cure stop in the morning, but he thought he'd stroll through the hanger bay and make sure the helo was ready. He still hadn't had that conversation with Rachel either yet, and knew that it was not going to go well. He had ulterior motives in not sending her in the first wave, but he had made the decision that only Vulture team would go for that fact. Until it was deemed safe the medical staff would not go ashore.
He left his stateroom and headed for the helo bay, that was still a helo bay. When he got there, he saw her counting vials and making sure everything was in place. He walked towards her, taking in everything about her as he did. She had yet to notice him coming towards her and she turned abruptly and walked straight into his chest. Rachel let out a startle cry and stumbled backwards. Tom's hands shot out and gently gripped her biceps to steady her, keeping her from falling down.
"Whoa, slow down there, Doc," he rumbled. She stood up taller and nodded. He continued to hold her arms. "Everything ready for tomorrow?"
He worked hard to keep his earlier emotions from his voice. He was doing a good job of it too. She seemed to be waiting for him to release her arms, but he was enjoying the contact too much, so he left his hands where they were. He kept his emotions in check, playing the part of Captain Chandler to a T, staring at her expectantly waiting for an answer to his question. He saw the wheels turning in her eyes and waited her out.
"Ah, yes. Everything is packaged and secure for transport tomorrow. This batch here is the last batch needing loaded. I'll be ready to ride in with the first shipment in the morning." And there it was.
"No," he said firmly. He had worked to keep the emotion out of his voice.
"Excuse me?" Rachel deadpanned back. Her golden-brown eyes fired, and Tom felt a spark run through his insides. She tried to pull back slightly but he held firm to her biceps.
"I'm not putting you on the first drop. It's too dangerous."
"Captain, I need to be there to make sure everything is administered correctly. I'm the one that…"
"I said no."
"I'm not your sailor. I don't have to follow your orders."
"Maybe true. But the helo is mine and I say you're not getting on it."
"Why?" she demanded her anger evident in her voice. Her eyes were dancing with fire now and Tom was struggling to keep from showing the effect it was having on him in that moment.
"Like I said, it's too dangerous. I'll land Vulture team first. They'll assess the situation and if they find it safe then I'll allow you to join them on a future shipment."
"Captain, this is ridiculous! I should be with the first shipment. I need to be there to make sure…"
"Rachel, I said no," he barked at her sternly, losing his hold on his anger. "Look, it's a safety issue. I'm responsible for this ship and everyone on it. That includes you even if you don't think it does."
"I'm going to be on that first helo in the morning," she bit back at him. He was feeling the rush of adrenaline and more running through his system. Her fierceness and tenacity were igniting that fire inside him, but he was also drowning in the fact he needed to focus on the mission at hand.
"Don't make me use force. I already told you it's not happening."
"Tom," she spat his name angrily. He bit at the inside of his cheek. "What's this really about?"
"What?" he asked genuinely shocked by her question. It was a matter of crew safety what else could she think it was about?
"It's not about danger is it!"
"Look, there isn't room with Vulture team. I'm not leaving a member of the team back so you can go. Vulture team knows what to do, you've trained them."
"This is bloody wrong," Rachel said viciously and pulled her arms from of his grasp. He let her go and dropped his hands to his side trying to maintain a less defensive pose. "And you know it," she gritted at him. He sighed.
"Look, it's not personal," he began.
"Or is it?" she snapped back at him the fire still burning wildly in her eyes. Tom stopped and cocked his head to the side staring at her. His eyebrows rose a little as he contemplated her question. "Let's hear the truth, Captain!" Her shout had drawn more attention. Tom looked around the hanger bay and noticed his sailors were trying very hard to not look like they were listening in on the argument between the captain and the doctor. Tom knew this conversation needed to move to more private accommodations.
"Come on," he growled at her as he grasped her left bicep again. He headed towards his stateroom tugging her along behind him. She had given a slight resistance to begin with but the look he gave her made her give in, then she had trudged along behind him reluctantly.
Once they were both inside the room he let go of her arm and turned back to shut the door. When he turned back to face Rachel she had moved forward and came right into his face with her finger up. He instinctively took a step back, a little bit shocked.
"I'm getting on the first helo in the morning. Pick a member of Vulture team to stand down. This is my mission."
"Like hell it is," Tom roared back. He was losing his temper with her now. Why was she fighting him so harshly tonight? "My ship, my mission." He knew his eyes were burning with anger. Her hand dropped from his face to her hip, and she glared at him.
"I'm the one who's been tasked with this bloody mission. It's my job to administer this vaccine and cure! I worked tirelessly on this and now I'm going to see it through to the end."
"After my teams check the area for danger!" Tom half growled at her. His blood was pumping hot. She took a step back.
"Why are you so angry with me?" she asked suddenly. The question shocked him, and he was sure it was evident on his face. Flashes of love, desire, need, panic, jealousy, guilt, and fear, streaked across his brain. He worked his jaw several times clenching and unclenching his teeth. Once the tsunami of emotions had quieted in his head he spoke.
"I'm not," he ground out while his teeth were clenched. Rachel laughed at him.
"Could have fooled me. If you're not mad at me then why do tell are we having this bloody conversation, Captain?"
That's a good question he thought. Because you won't let it go was his next thought. He stuck to his first guns, as the danger of the mission was his primary reason for not letting her on the first drop. Yes, there were other reasons as well he admitted to himself but primarily the safety and integrity of the mission were the top reasons for it.
"I already told you it's too dangerous to send you out there without some kind of recon on the ground. We can't lose you to something that can be prevented!" he shouted. I can't lose you his brain rushed at him. He pushed that feeling down. He took a deep breath to settle himself and licked his lips. "Can we take down the volume? I'm not keen on the whole ship hearing our argument."
"What don't want any more fodder for the gossip gun?"
"The…gossip…what?" he asked genuinely confused. "This doesn't have anything to do with anything except the safety and integrity of the mission. And that means all personal. I'm sorry. You can ride in the on the second helo drop as long as Vulture team gives a green light."
"Tom, this is ridiculous. I can be on that first helo."
"Why are you so damn stubborn!" he ground out breathing hard. This woman may be the death of him. But he had to admit he was very much turned on in this moment as her fierceness shown heavy. He squashed that emotion and blew out a hot breath through his nose.
"I'm still waiting to hear the reason you're mad at me."
"I'm not."
"And you say I'm stubborn."
"Look, Rachel," he began but then stopped. He didn't know how to proceed. He rubbed his face hard trying to clear everything so he could process better. He teepeed his fingers over his nose and held them there when he was done.
"What?" she said softly. He dropped his hands and looked away. Maybe he was a little bit mad at her, maybe he was just a little bit hurt. But those emotions were not driving his argument about this right now. He really was driven by the safety of the issue. He was very much attracted to her in the moment, and he was contemplating spilling everything. It might make things better, but it would probably just make them worse. He crossed his arms over his chest almost hugging himself as he sloshed around the different emotions and feelings in his brain. He was so battered and so guilt laden. This was not going to go well if he said something. She reached out and laid a gentle hand on his arm. Fire ignited under her touch. He looked at the contact.
"Just please don't fight me on this anymore. Agree to do this my way."
"Tom," she began.
"No," he said sternly cutting her off. "Listen. Maybe there's…just please don't fight me on this now," he finished. He had almost slipped. He had almost said what he wanted to say.
"Why are you mad at me?"
"I'm not," he said flatly. He waited a long minute before he spoke again, working hard to control his voice. "I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at me because I can't seem to figure anything out, I can't fix my own head."
And that was the truth of the matter. He had never in his life been in this position. He had never not been able to sort out and process emotion like he was struggling with now. He felt utterly broken inside as he was confused on how he could love two women at the same time. When he started to think about Rachel, Darien almost always made an appearance driving his guilt deeper.
"What do you mean?" she asked. She squeezed her hand gently on his arm. He couldn't make eye contact with her. He swallowed hard, trying to work his throat, that was suddenly dry, licking dry lips. "Tom, I don't know what's been going on with you. You seem to be sending me all kinds of mixed signals. And quite frankly…I'm bloody confused."
And there it was. He was hurting her without even realizing it. His heart shrunk and he felt the pain reverberate in his rib cage.
"I know. I'm sorry," he whispered. It was all he could manage. His eyes roamed the floor as he still couldn't look at her. If he did the dam would break again.
"All I know is that I need to be there to administer that cure. I need to be in port tomorrow to make sure this all goes correctly. We only get one shot at this."
"I know that. But please let me make sure it's safe," he pleaded, and he hated the way his voice sounded. But she needed to understand he was not letting her anywhere near shore until Vulture team had secured the landing zone.
"Captain, nothing is safe right now. It's a world that's been thrown into turmoil and the only chance it has to settle down is me and those containers. You know this," she said pulling her hand back. He instantly missed the contact and chided himself for the physical reactions. He finally found the courage to meet her eyes for a brief moment before he looked at his shoes again. Neither of them spoke for a long time.
Tom was consumed with all the emotions he was feeling. The confusion and deep seeded charges that detonated every time she touched him. Seeing her with Tex had flared something primal deep down in him and he was having trouble coming to terms with what that meant for him. God, how he wished he could separate his feelings and sort them out. He felt he might lose her in the time it's going to take him to fix himself. He had never felt so broken in his life.
"Seeing you with Tex made everything even more confusing," he was mumbling before he realized what he was saying. He glanced at her to gage her reaction and she had her brow knitted together in confusion.
"What?"
"I…I'm sorry about everything," he began. He felt like absolute shit. "The mixed signals, the awkward moments…all of it. I'm just…confused," he sighed out. He ran his hands over his short hair.
"I don't understand," Rachel said stepping back from him deeper into the room. She sat herself down in a chair at his desk. He stood where he was for a moment then walked over and leaned against the desk standing next to her.
"That night you found me in here, broken?"
"You weren't broken, Tom. Not then, not now," she replied softly. He shrugged his shoulders. It was how he felt.
"That night you helped me with my grief, I finally was able to process that my wife was gone. I'm a widower. That was a hard reality for me to accept," He continued quietly. He was afraid to raise his voice. Rachel reached over and slipped her fingers between his, taking his hand gently in hers. He drew strength from her touch and was grateful for the show of affection. "Once I accepted that I was in fact a widower, things started to build in my head. I have no idea when it started but I know when it solidified."
"What?"
"Ever since that kiss on the Vyerni," Tom whispered as the memory of that moment surged through him, "things in my head have been different. So, I tried to act on those…feelings. But it went wrong because the other half of me felt like I was…cheating."
"Our dinner," Rachel said, squeezing his hand gently. The gesture recharged him a little.
"Yes. I really wanted that to…go differently," he replied with a deep sigh. The memory of that night still pained him. "Then it was just weird in my head. My heart knew what it felt, but my brain was still not…ready…I guess. Then that day I found you in the lab trying to reach the top shelf."
"That was…nice," Rachel replied with a smile. Tom smiled in return thinking of the contact and the things it stirred inside him.
"It was, but again my brain…panicked. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. If you aren't ready for this now, we can stay friends. We can wait if you want," she had said softly. Tom stared at her for a long time after that unable to contain the inferno raging through him. How was it that he could feel even more for this woman? The image of her with Tex in the wardroom flashed into his mind.
"It made me angry how easily you and Tex came in that room tonight," Tom mustered. He watched Rachel's eyes widen. "The easy banter, the laughing, the conversation. I was jealous…am jealous."
Tom stopped then. He shook his head to clear it, to maybe figure out what this jumbled up ball of torment was inside him. It felt good to tell her though. Maybe it was the first step in working through the issue. After a long while, where she seemed to be working through something of her own, she spoke.
"I'm sorry," she replied. He nodded and the sadness inside him overtook his external features. "How do we fix this?"
"I don't know. How do I fix my head? How do I convince myself that I'm not cheating by…" he stopped himself from saying the word that almost slipped out. He was not ready to admit that just yet. No, he could not tell her he loved her yet, not until things were better between them. It shocked him at how easily it had almost slipped through the defense net. He looked down at his shoes and continued. "I just know I want to make sure land is safe tomorrow before I let you go ashore."
"Tom," she said her voice laden with annoyance.
"Rachel, this isn't up for debate."
"We've been debating it for a while now."
"No, you have. But the answer still hasn't changed."
"You think about that kiss on the Vyerni?" Her words registered in his brain and caught him off guard. His face burned hot, and he was sure she could see a blush in his cheeks. His eyes darted to his shoes again, trying to hide the emotion that was running rampant through his eyes. Boy did he think about that kiss with her. He attempted to pull his hand loose from hers, but she resisted and held firm, using his motion to pull herself to her feet.
"More than I should," he heard himself admit in whisper. He sucked in a deep breath and pursed his lips before mustering the courage to look into her eyes. He found more courage and finished speaking. "I think that's when I figured out things were changing. I mean I get it started to pass the note, but…"
"But?"
"But it kept going," he mused as he stared at the floor again. He wondered if she could see the turmoil brewing inside him in his eyes. "You kept going…I kept going."
"So, then things changed?"
"Maybe. I don't know. I just don't know how to…shit," he sputtered and cursed himself internally for sounding like a rambling idiot. He pushed away from the desk and turned away from her taking a few steps to put distance between them. His hands rubbed at his face hard, then he stared at the wall. "I don't remember this being so difficult before."
"What?"
"Just…I loved my wife, Rachel," he whispered as he felt his heart constrict. He still loved Darien which was making his falling in love with Rachel so much more confusing.
"I know that, Tom," Rachel said softly.
"It doesn't just go away."
"I know that too."
"I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place in my head. I know she's gone, maybe I just need more time to…I don't know."
He felt her wrap her arms around his waist and press her head into his back. She pressed into him squeezing from the front. He rested his hands over top of hers. The body contact igniting feelings in his body that he wasn't sure he was ready for.
"I don't know what to do either, Captain, but the mixed signals hurt," she said. Tom stiffened at her admission and felt a blow to his heart. It had never been his intention to cause her any pain. He didn't know how to answer that, so he stayed quiet, enjoying the moment, relishing in the contact. He was drawing comfort from her touch and his brain was quieting down. Eventually Tom shifted in her grasp. He felt Rachel pick her head up from his back and he came face to face with her as he turned fully around. His arms snaked around her shoulders, his hands clasping behind her neck.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled.
"You've said that," she whispered back.
"I don't know how to fix it," he continued. He blinked his eyes and willed the tears to stay at bay. She laid her ear against his chest. He could feel the love she had for him in that moment. It was palpable.
"I'm sorry I made you jealous. It was not my intention when I agreed to dinner with him."
"I suppose it's not my place to be angry or jealous," Tom said. His hand reached out and stroked part of her hair. His fingers enjoying the silkiness of it. "I know I sent up some seriously mixed signals and I don't have a right…"
Rachel picked her head up and placed her fingers over his mouth silencing him. He fought the urge to kiss them.
"It's okay," Rachel murmured.
"And that's only half the problem," He whispered, his lips brushing against her fingers sending shockwaves through his core. The urge to kiss them grew stronger. Something flashed across her eyes.
"Oh?" she asked, dropping her hand. Tom wanted her fingers back.
"Yep. There's a pretty strict rule in the Navy about fraternization between shipmates."
"But I'm not in the Navy, Captain."
"Yes, but you are on my ship. You see I can't have any one person's safety be more important in my mind when making decisions."
"But my safety is more important per the mission."
"That may be, but my brain has been brow beaten to not fraternize, so I think that may be throwing up mixed signals in my head too. I don't know anymore, Rachel. I just know I'm confused, and I wish I could fix it. I know where I want to be, but I'm not there yet, and I haven't found the bridge over the canyon."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"You do enough already," he said with a laugh. And he meant that. Rachel laid her head against his chest again.
To Be continued…
