A Note

After I talked with Ritsuko, I began thinking. What if I wrote a letter to Hatori? How would he respond? Would he even consider responding? Probably not, but it was worth a shot, right?

Dear Hatori,

I paused after I typed just that into my laptop. I sat on the couch in my apartment, thinking. I tried typing a few things, but ended up deleating them.

Come on, Mayu, I told myself. Just let it all out.

So I began to type the following:

Do you remember when we were younger? A lot younger? Back to the days when you and Kana were in love with each other, and I was dating Shiguire (God, I'm surprised I didn't commit suicide)? You really thought Shiguire and I made a perfect couple, didn't you? You couldn't imagine a better life. You and Kana, me and Shiguire. Well... funny thing about that.

I only dated Shiguire because I was lonely. I was in love with someone else. Don't worry, though. I promised myself that I would never date anoyone just because I was lonely ever again.

Before I knew it, I was typing everything. About how much I hated myself for dating due to lonliness, how I would watch him and Kana and wish for him to smile like that around me. About how much I loved hearing him say my name, but wished he would call me Mayu again. I typed about the two years after Kana's memory wipe and how much I missed him. Then,I was typing about me. I was typing things I hated about myself. I told him of things I regreted, thing that scared me, moments in my life when I felt completely worthless.

I typed, and I typed, and I typed. I must've started around six in the evening, and I was up until midnight, perfecting, adding more, cutting out a few (but then putting them back) sentances. It was insane. And, as I climbed into bed that night, the letter freshly printed out and sitting on the bedside table, I wondered how Hatori would react.


"Mayuko-chan, can you come here and help me with these books?" I heard my mom calling. I picked up my head from the back of the receptionist desk and laughed at the sight of my mother trying to put books back on the top shelf. She was a very short woman.

"Hang on, Mom," I said, coming over. "Let me handle it." I took a few books, stood on tiptoe, and began putting them neatly back where they had originally been.

"Such a nice, caring girl I have," Mom said with a smile. I shrugged. "Oh, don't you shrug your shoulders at me, young lady. I bet any man would die to have you."

I almost dropped one of my books, but managed to catch it. "Mom... I'm perfectly happy being single."

"Oh, but Mayuko-chan, you're still young," Mom said with an old laugh. "You can still find that someone."

"Wrong, Mom," I said, becoming uncomfortable. "Can we please just drop it?"

"What about that fellow that comes in here to pick up books for his friend?" Mom asked.

"Yeah, that's specific, Mom."

"What did you call him? Hatori-kun?"

At that, I really did drop a book. Actually... I dropped most of the books I was holding. I swore, but stooped down to pick them up, grumbling. Mom was laughing lightly again, and I really didn't want to ruin her good mood. But this was getting ridiculous.

"Mom," I said slowly and carefully. I stood again. "He's just a friend."

"Oh, but I see the way you look at him," Mom said slyly. I felt my face heat up. "I was the same way. Not with getting the men I wanted, I could always do that." I had to give an amused giggle. "But I could never get your father to like me. It took until a few years after college before he finally asked me out on a date. We had been friends for too long, going through too many troubles." She chuckled. "I thought I would die if he didn't ask me out before I was this age... which I really thought would happen."

"Well, Mom," I said, finishing putting away books. I stood normally, relaxing my arms. "This isn't like your circumstance. He's not going to see me in a different light... ever." From the corner of my eye, I saw the door to our shop open, and a figure in the doorway. I knew who it was because he had called to tell me he was picking up another book for Shiguire.

Mom turned to see who our customer was and smiled. "Oh, that's him, isn't it?"

My cheeks burned as I shot her a glare. "Mom..."

"Good afternoon, Mayuko-chan," Hatori greeted me with a nod.

I smiled as best as I could, my heart sinking. "Heya, Hatori-kun." Before my mom could say anything, I walked over to the counter, gesturing for him to follow. He did, after bowing as a hello to Mother. As I was searching below the counter for his book, the envelope caught my eye. The envelope I had put my four page letter into. The envelope the I was going to give to Hatori today. I had placed it in the front of the book he needed, hoping for him not to see it until he left. I paused as I held the book open in my hands, staring at the letter.

Was this really a good idea?

"What's that?" Hatori asked. I looked up and saw him leaning over the counter, an expression of curiosity upon his face.

If I hadn't already been blushing furiously before then, now I was. Inside my mind, I swore like a beast. "It's, uhh..." I cleared my throat, then stood. "It's nothing." I set the book down and took the envelope out of the front. I held it tightly in my hand as I Hatori paid for the book.

"Are you sure it's nothing?" he asked, taking the book. "It looks kind of big. For a letter, I mean."

"It's not a letter," I said quickly. "It's just... it's nothing." Strange. Last night, I had been so intent on giving him this note, now I wanted nothing more than to rip it into shreds so he'll never find it.

"What's in it, then?" That man just didn't know when to give up.

"I don't know," I said, trying not to snap. "It's just junk mail. Trash." Before I could even think, I did rip the letter. It was actually somewhat difficult because there were four pieces of folded paper in it. But I ripped it. I ripped it in half, then did it again... then did it again. I threw it into the waste can, and gave a strained smile.

He gave me an odd look, but inhaled and shrugged it away. "Ok... I'll talk to you later, Mayuko-chan."

With that, he left the store, leaving me to feel so disgusted with myself that I could cry. No... I did cry. I felt the hot tears spring to my eyes, and I had to run to the bathroom. I locked the door, and turned on both fans so no one could hear my choking sobs.

Why did I have to be so damn stupid?